Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

what this boils down to is that people who are comfortable meeting people in social situations don't see the utility of online dating for themselves because they are comfortable meeting people in social situations. duh.

Yeah this p much. We'd all HAVE dates if it wasnt so hard :/ Or something like that. I dont know.

the classical musician dude i was messaging with totally blew it by saying something creepy and sexual. ugh. dismissed.

I def. see the utility of online dating, it's just that i can't help thinking how awful the women i've had my best-so-far relationships with would have looked on a dating-site profile. Had I known one in particular only from her background and interests, I would have clicked on the "next" button before I could bat my eyelashes, and missed out on a great 3 years. Conversely, some people I met online were disappointing when we met in real life. I'm also spooked at the notion of ppl checking me out online before meeting me IRL - i'm really tiring of people who don't want anything to do with me until they've stalked me online.

You've brought that up earlier, and it is bugging me. I dont do this. Do people do this? I mean googling potential dates? The hell?

If I meet someone "on line" - and OKC is the ONLY "dating site" i have ever used, all my "online" partnering has been meeting people I knew/came across via newsgroups, IRC chat, Livejournal, and even last.fm. I never felt the need to dig for dirt on them. I *did* appreciate the ability to connect with them cerebrally without my usual crippling shyness.

yes people do this unfortunately, and all too frequently. I've had people refuse to go out with me (or hire me as the case may be) because they googled me and someone else with the same name is an online jerk.

Recent survey shows 43% in the US googled their dates

I def. see the utility of online dating, it's just that i can't help thinking how awful the women i've had my best-so-far relationships with would have looked on a dating-site profile. Had I known one in particular only from her background and interests, I would have clicked on the "next" button before I could bat my eyelashes,and missed out on a great 3 years.

Although I generally sympathize with what you're saying here, I think the thing I'm reacting to most strongly about your perspective is the assumption that people don't take online profiles with a massive grain of salt. I'm sure anyone who's engaged with online dating sites has learned that this is a much smarter move than taking a stranger's self-description at complete face value. The thing is, though, it's just as much a risk as dating IRL, to the extent that you never really know what anyone's about (it's just a continuum of approximate knowledge that, hopefully, increases in accuracy over time).

The thing is, though, when I'm in dating mode, I date fairly indiscriminately: online dates I initiate, online dates initiated by others (whether we had a lot in common or not, I generally went with it so long as they didn't seem actively creepy), irl dates initiated by others, the very occasional irl date initiated by me (tbis used to happen a whole, whole lot more when I lived somewhere that I knew a lot of people). I don't get real picky until the multiple dates/possibly exclusive dating stuff kicks in, so I don't feel at all like I'm limiting my options or failing to take chances (aside from that whole "there's no way I'm bothering that girl who's immersed in her interesting book" thing).

Girls with books of the world thank you for that last part.

See? My instincts would appear to be correct.

I can't imagine where the "creepy & sexual" line wd be with gay male sites.

I have to say, I feel a good deal of sympathy for anyone in general who's attracted to guys. That has to be a bit of an albatross, at times.

FAPCORE

Honestly, my ideal situation would be if people I knew a little and had spent some time around and was interested in eventually displayed an interest themselves.

Definitely. This is partially why I've tried to make gay friends - to get exposure to potential dates, since current work is gay-free and I've never had a real friend who was gay (thought I did this winter, but we fell out of touch b/c he has a disturbed friend who drove a wedge).

I can't imagine where the "creepy & sexual" line wd be with gay male sites.

For real. (tho tbh, I've encountered some unequivocally o_0 forward guys online. IRL too.)

thinking about signing up for this finally but i'm getting option paralysis trying to pick a username. do people actually pay attention to your username on this thing? for most sites i tend to just use first initial-last name but that seems like a bad idea here, and all the other names i typically use online have poor connotations in the context of a dating site

i'd say: don't go with your real name, don't go with a cutesy name(cuddlydreamstein), and don't go with random letters/digits either. just be...

cpress

if that's taken, go with ccpresss

Whatever you choose, make sure you leave enough room to affix a "4U" at the end.

but no, no one pays much attention to the username. and if someone does and rules you out based on that, the relationship was doomed to failure from the start.

yeah good point thanks

My handle is literally just two random words that sounded good together but have no other connotation. AFAIK, anyway. It's probably the name of some horrifying Thai sexual practice, with my luck.

yeah i get worried about that sort of thing when i'm going for random neutral name. i guess i'm just kind of OCD about self-representation

my username was sorely unappreciated
i wouldn't worry too much about it really

i suspended my account for now and am glad

In 1997 when I started using the internet, I was obsessed with Kafka, so I used a combo of my name + one of his best known characters. I've been trying to get away from it b/c it's pretty much unique and it makes it too easy to cyber stalk me, but the only other name that appeals to me is "debaser" and that's too fanboy-ish.

ZS, will you name me?

Haha - Just remembered the other user name that started as a joke: Trampolina (or Trampolino). That has definite connotations....

sure!

just be Kdot

the thing about usernames is that you should never spend more than 7 seconds thinking of them

at least, that's my theory

xpost Kdot has is really neutral, no one will think twice about it, and then there's the bonus that maybe sometime a special someone will be like "does Kdot mean K., like in Kafka" and you can say "gaaaaaaah"

my username is a mashup of the mythical universal solvent and the heroine of The Scarlet Letter.

i'm thinking about pulling my account as i am kinda set for the moment and I always wanna follow up when people contact me regardless.

"it's low-risk, with considerable upside", as we in the pro username consulting biz like to say

Is 'familyguy4eva' available?

frequent name on gay.com is (or was, c. 2000) a variant of lQQking

Also: AnFboi, AandFboi and other combos of A[bercrombie] [a]n[d] F[itch] and the diminutive for "boy."

How about 'solve_et_caligula'?

"sturm_und_drangbus"

reactivated the other night out of boredom

got several messages within hours -- i guess you pop up in searches more often when you're 'new'

the whole thing somehow seems even weirder this time, but that could just be my mood

but no, no one pays much attention to the username. and if someone does and rules you out based on that, the relationship was doomed to failure from the start.

Weeeelll, I dont know. I can't say I'm drven to message someone called "hot4U" or "dropUrPanties" or "ImaLova", really. Especially baffling when a real icky comeon username is on a v normal person, too (tho usually its on the "hi I have my shirt off and my face isnt in the photo" type of dickhead).

if someone does and rules you out based on that, the relationship was doomed to failure from the start

i dunno about 'rules you out' but when working with v. limited information and a lot of potential 'candidates' (ugh, sorry), a ridic username is as much of a reason to slide on by as anything else

well, revisionism here but i didn't mean that any ol' username is ok. most people are going to be a bit put off by a guy calling himself Big8====D. i just mean it's not worth working yourself into a fit over the large % of names that fit within 3 standard deviations of normalcy

however, it's always possible that i am not within 3 SD's of normalcy. *paints self into corner*

reactivated the other night out of boredom

got several messages within hours -- i guess you pop up in searches more often when you're 'new'

the whole thing somehow seems even weirder this time, but that could just be my mood

― mookieproof, Tuesday, May 29, 2012 2:47 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is a good trick for short term self esteem boost btw

haha yeah

PROTIP: If you look at a zillion profiles and rate people, OKC also funnels people your way.

Oh sure I'm not gonna get het up over a silly username - my last guy had "quirky" in his, ffs. But LUVAYNRAND as a username and I'm going to ... not click on u.

i did not get a boost in messages when i reactivated just some guy telling me i was too pale or boring in my photos and then some guy who at first seemed cool and then made a not-cool comment about how i should use sexual bribery to get someone to install my air conditioner :( (my friends ended up doing it for 3 beers and also gave me a free bike!)

OH and the retired rock star who made tentative plans then didn't message for a week, then messaged some non-sequitur.

i wonder if this is the curse of 33.

If you look at a zillion profiles and rate people, OKC also funnels people your way

doesn't it inform people when you rate them highly? i haven't done this (except for ilxors! xo) -- seems like a cop-out when you could be messaging instead

this encapsulates my dating history pretty well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMhdksPFhCM

Lol.

I really don't mind the instances when I crash and burn without getting off the ground. I can do the "two dates in and it's pretty clearly going nowhere" mambo all the live-long day. I'm just tired of actually achieving takeoff and soaring for a good long while and just getting to the point of being comfortable and taking off my parachute before a flock of geese flies into the engines.

Hey! Relevant to what we were talking about yesterday and this morning: I am sitting on the patio of the Panera Bread on my block (fucking PERFECT weather in Chicago right now - 77 F and extremely low humidity), working on my laptop. You may remember that a week or two ago I mentioned that a super cute Trader Joe's worker messaged me on a proximity app. We texted for a few days then lost track. Well he and another guy walked past me about 20 minutes ago and I....stuck my nose in my work and pretended I hadn't seen him b/c he was w/ someone I didn't know, and I figured he probably wasn't going to be interested in talking, esp. since we'd stopped texting.

A minute ago I was reading a report on the Chicago Trib on the huge fire that shut down the north side commute at rush hour when I hear behind me "Jesse!" It was TJ dude and friend. We chatted for a few minutes and we talked about the fire and the beloved furniture store that it destroyed and it was very natural, etc.

This chat reinforces something I learn and forget all the time and what Lee was getting at: Get out of the fucking house. I live in a very active area and I recognize tons of the people who walk around here. Besides my shyness, a reason I'm not meeting them is that if I'm not at work or with friends, I spend most of my free time fucking around at home. Also, it really is NOT WEIRD to say hi to even very casual acquaintances.

Also: My perception of other people's interests is not so accurate.

Anyway, another tl;dr, maybe, but it was interesting to me.

doesn't it inform people when you rate them highly? i haven't done this (except for ilxors! xo) -- seems like a cop-out when you could be messaging instead

This is how my friend found out that the weird joke? profile guy was interested in her.

Also, it really is NOT WEIRD to say hi to even very casual acquaintances.

Oh, man, do I ever wish I could convince myself of this. If I feel like someone I only kinda know might not want to talk to me or I think someone I know saw me and didn't say anything, I will do just what you did: bury myself in whatever I'm doing at the time and try to make the other person's "obvious" disinterest as unpainful as possible for everyone. Which probably goes a long way towards informing that whole "standoffish" vibe I apparently give off. Someday I will finally learn to accept that I don't really understand nearly as much about people's motives towards me as I'd like to think I do. Really, I think a lot of people are insecure about this stuff. But I also think a lot of people just learn how not to let it get in their way so much.