fuck cancer

So very, very sorry Mark.

I couldn't imagine ever going back to work, tbh. I guess at some point you have to, but damn.

this is where my head is, so it was not easy as when boss called i was on the verge of an outburst along these lines.

the problem is : the company have been great, and my boss has been and is great.

just that my official sick note ran out a mere few hours before, and they were on the phone checking my whereabouts, despite the fact that last week i went into the office to tell them 'i'm f*cked up, and there is no way i'm coming back for a while'

hey ho, paperwork and forms are the foundations of the modern world i guess.

I'm so sorry man.

@ VGirl, it might sound sappy to say so, but in you it sounds you've got a fortunate mother-in-law.

one month on.
the big question : how long is it when i no longer see my wife die everytime i close my eyes
its ripping me to pieces.
cant remember any of the good stuff due to the sheer intensity of the last 12 months.
this shit really hurts.
think i need to see someone and get some advise on how to deal with this which is not easy given that on the surface all appears ok ..

Mark, I'm sorry for your loss and I sympathize deeply (although I could never understand exactly what you're going through).

I thought I was just coming back home to support my mom while my dad was in hospital with a sudden downturn related to his chemo treatments, when in fact I managed to get into town and to the hospital just in time to actually watch my dad die. It's a horrible thing to experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. As I mentioned upthread, this was almost two years ago and I'm still shaken by it. The best advice I can give: seek a grief counselor, or any kind of therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist. Someone who you (or your insurance) are paying to be there on a regular basis to listen to you. As helpful as friends can be as a shoulder to cry on, they might not be there when you need them to be or as much as you need them to be. It's important to remember that some people feel more helpless than others with respect to helping you cope with such a huge weight and also that this isn't a weight you should expect anyone in particular to help you shoulder if that person isn't a professional.

All I can tell you with any certainty is that when I was confronted with tragedy (my dad's death was only one of a number of deaths and heavy events that transpired over the course of several months), I tried the "shaking it off" method for as long as I could, pressing forward and hoping that day-to-day life would take my mind off of it. It only worked for so long, and I completely turfed out after I stopped seeing my psychiatrist at the time. I'm only starting to get back on track now, two years later, so I think it's really important that you take care of yourself now and continue taking care of yourself for as long as it takes until you are well. And possibly quite a bit after you think you're well. Most importantly, though, don't try to carry the weight yourself.

Ohhhh, and thank you, Erica, I didn't see your post yesterday. As evidenced by my most recent post, it really was and has continued to be a pretty rough road. And my dad and I didn't even particularly get on that well. You just never know how it's gonna hit you until it hits you.

thanks deric.

went to my gp today.

she toyed with the idea of upping the dosage of my anti-deps, but i resisted that.
however, i will be referred to the relevant people to talk about my issues around the death, to try and help me get to the next stage.
best thing = my gp telling me that this shit can take a while to get over, and she will help out in anyway she can.
i.e. ongoing sick notes.
as getting a call at 9:30am on friday morning from my boss (2 weeks to the day after i buried my wife, 4 weeks to the day after she had died), asking where i was as my official sick leave ran out on the day before.

him : "HR have organised a meeting for you this afternoon"
me : " i aint going to be there"

not the most helpful of attitudes.

so hearing someone tell me that they can swing, and that my boss will just have to wait for me to get over this was a massive boost that i needed.

That's great to hear. A lot of people are really dense when it comes to the grief of others.

deric (of the most amazing facial hair !) : that seems to have become very apparent in recent days.

old school macho attitude british seems to be at the fore - 'stiff upper lip', and all that crap.

head of HR = wife of high ranking bloke in the forces therefore one suspecst has a more clinical/cold 'tude towards dealing with death.

problem is that i'm not of that type of breeding.

this is the first time i have had to go through such an experience (and hopefully the last), and given certain aspects of the death, i'm struggling to reconcile various issues (all appears ok to the outside world as i have to function on a day to day basis for the Lads, but this stuff goes way deeper than being able to do the ironing).

my feeling is when you go through something like this, work may as well be another planet. Like, if you're a person who needs to throw themselves into work to cope, that's one thing...but yeah, I would feel no guilt at all for thinking your boss can sodd off and cope without you for a while.

"my feeling is when you go through something like this, work may as well be another planet. Like, if you're a person who needs to throw themselves
into work to cope, that's one thing...but yeah, I would feel no guilt at all for thinking your boss can sodd off and cope without you for a while.

indeed * 1000

yesterday i was walking to school to pick up small and one of the mums asked me re returning to work.

my answer : 'i couldn't give a shit re work'

to which after a moment of raised eyebrows, she eventually answered : 'well there's your new priorities'

which summed it all up for me ..

but it's like, this is your *life*. it's right to feel all those messy feelings and emotions and sadness...how could you not.
I think onlookers just have a sort of weird shelf-life for empathy, where they're sympathetic for a week or two and then they just don't want those tendrils of sadness in their life anymore so they want to shove you back into your normal routine so they don't have to talk about it. maybe not as blunt as all that, but something like it.

they're sympathetic for a week or two and then they just don't want those tendrils of sadness in their life anymore so they want to shove you back into your normal routine so they don't have to talk about it.

ringo bingo to the power of infinity.

i've been thinking about you a lot. i'm very sorry for what you've lost but also for what you have to go through next. it's going to be difficult and it might take a long time and i really hope you've got kind people in your life who will keep loving you and accepting you no matter how angry and sad and mean you get at times. one of my good friends lost her husband suddenly five years ago and had a terrible time of it but she is finally happy again and is amazed to be because for ages and ages she thought her grief would never end. meanwhile, other people's lives were continuing as usual and they didn't have to work incredibly hard to just get through a day and yet some of them were horribly judgmental.

but she is finally happy again and is amazed to be because for ages and ages she thought her grief would never end.

my world.

cheers estala.

i rarely open up on ilx, but this thread has been a vital resource in recent times.

thank you all.

onward, friend.

and estela otm.

mark, I am so sorry.

Hey Mark, I've got nothing particularly useful to say, but just wanted to wish you all the strength for soldiering on for however long it takes to get through to the other side.

Hi Mark -- I want to offer my thoughts to you too. Strength is hard to come by in people, and I admire what I see of it in you. Fuck cancer.

mark, I can't imagine what you're going through, but i'm thinking of you, and i'm glad your gp is supportive.

i just found out that a friend i hadn't talked to in years and years just died of cancer. he was a real joker and had strong attractive teeth.
iirc he's the first person my own age who i've known to die of a disease (rather than accident/od/suicide/other). sucks. RIP, man.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend La Lechera. My mom was diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer two years ago. She beat it with two surgeries and chemo. Unfortunately, we recently learned that it has metastasized to her bones. Since we caught the initial cancer so late, I'm a big believer in the Canary Foundation's emphasis on early detection. I'm hopeful for new technologies advancing early detection. But until we get there, I'd just like to join the chorus here on ILX and say FUCK CANCER.

I can't call Indiana. Radiation either worked or it didn't on Oct. 31. And I'm too much of a coward to call and ask. Girlfriend knows something is up. I'm just defeated, and I don't know what to do but shout it into the abyss of the internet.

I know what I should do. I should call.

Yes. Yes you should. Whatever you hear, whatever the news, you should call. We're holding you up, we're right here, always. recognizing the fear doesn't make you a coward, it makes you human.

fuck cancer.

on the day this thread gets revived, i find out that the husband of one of my cousins with whom i have had no contact in 20+ years has fought the good fight re surgery etc, and yet like with my wife, the evil lump is back, and so now they have to decide whether to fight more, or accept their fate.

to make matters worse, the family has 3 young children, one of whom is totally a 'daddys girl'.

also, i found out that an elderly aunt of mine who has also been fighting this fucking evil, now has been advised that the lump has moved into her back.

which experience tells me, things will not improve as this was the beginning of the end for my wife, and she too has to decide on the next stage.

she is frail, and relatively elderly, so its not an easy choice to make.

in other news .. i went back to work a few weeks ago, albeit on a very part time basis, and i have to say that both my boss and HR have been absolutely fantastic.

i could not wish for a more understanding set up that i now have.

as for you new folks to the thread, my heart goes out to you ...

fuck cancer. fuck cancer. fuck cancer.

I hope you called, Sufjan.

Mark, I'm really glad to hear that work have been so understanding. You must feel really besieged, hearing about these further cases of cancer around you.

Ditto that. I know you were under some stress/apprehension earlier that yr work weren't being all that acommodating to your situation/feelings, so its good thats changed :)

fuck you cancer.
fuck you fuck you fuck you.
how many lives ruined.
how many children are missing people they love due this evil fucking disease.
i thought i was coping, but today, on the day i should be celebrating 21 happy years of marriage, i need to curse long and hard at the fucking evil shit that has been given the name 'cancer'.
fuck you.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mejkk0Gd4q1rffx0to1_500.jpg

Today I went to visit my grandmother, who lost her husband (my grandfather duh) to cancer not even a year ago. She had broken her arm and was in hospital. They had done various tests apparently. So they found a lump. A big lump in her kidney. Monday we'll know more. But seeing she lost quite a lot of weight and broke an arm... Y'know what it could mean seeing I am posting it on this thread. God damn it. This has not been a good year. Not at all.

But on the other hand, she's in her 80s. You have to take that into perspective.

sorry nathalie :(

Ah, she was never a good grandmother. She was a very shitty, abusive mother. An alcoholic. Wonder if that had an impact? Probably not? But y'know I saw her a lot since my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years back. (He was an abusive father too.)

Man, I have had one fucked up year. (And fucked up family too. lol)

But it still sucks y'know.

I feel very sorry for my aunt who has had to do most of the shit. My father being in Japan and my uncle being a shit family member.

Still crying. Fuck.

Mark, Nath - thinking about you and hoping that '13 is better for you and yours.

Can I just say Fuck MS and Leukodystrophy on here? They are not cancer but just as fucking horrible. My wife had a lumbar puncture the other day to determine whether she has MS or the more destructive Luekodystrophy due to "extensive white matter lesions on her brain, quite striking for an MS sufferer of 6 years". If it is adult onset Leukodystrophy the doctor has told her it will be a more rapid decline in motor/cognitive function than MS. She is currently housebound and can only walk a few steps at a time before she falls or needs to sit down. She is constantly suffering from tiredness, vision problems, headaches and depression. She is still home educating our son who has autism, onset tourette's and epilepsy. I know this sounds like a very unhappy household, but we have a good time and it is a lot better than it sounds! I just get so fucking angry sometimes that a mother who has fought so hard for our disabled son. She has fought countless battles for him and worked so hard on his speech and language problems and then she gets hit with this shit. Anyone on this thread that have been hit any terminal disease as a sufferer or a partner to a sufferer or family - I feel your pain and wish you all the best.

Damo, obviously you can say fuck MS and Leukodystrophy. I wish you and your family the best as well.

yeah damo, go for it. I'm so sorry about yr wife, that's so rough. My sister in law was diagnosed with MS last year, I def sympathize.

i have a line manager and a boss.
over the last 18 months they have both been brilliant re my situation.

anyway, this week i returned to work after taking the festive season off.
then a couple of hours ago the boss (who rarely talks to me personally), asked to see me in an office.
after the basic chit chat, he then tells me that he has terminal cancer (primary = bowel, secondary = liver), with a matter of months to live.
this man is my age, 44, the healthiest person i know (diet, fitness freak etc), and has 2 v. young children (one is 3, and the other a few months).
he wanted to tell me the full story as opposed to the official line that he has announced to the company i.e. he is going to be cured by the chemo.
i guess so he could talk openly about his situation with me.
this is a good good man and once again, this evil fucking shit is going to destroy a happy little family.

i'm fucking gutted for him and his gang.

and to think i had tried to start 2013 afresh with a whole new outlook ..

sorry mark.

cheers, dr m, but no apologies needed for me

its just another case of how fucked up life and this evil shit is.

[he also revealed to me that he had read my blog - which must have been tuff for him as it kinda mentions stuff from the other side of the situation
i.e. the surviving partner]

also, morbs genuinely hoping your experience goes well this year ...

Oh shit. Keep an eye on yourself Mark, this sounds like it could be pretty rough for you

What do you tell your boss? Having gone through what you went through, mark, what would you tell anyone facing the same thing?

well, thats a whole story unto itself isn't it.
i started saying certain things, and then stopped as i thought this is too much for him.
so, i said that if his wife wants to chat to me and ask me anything at anytime, then i'm there for her.
of course, i suspect that she, like me, will be in a form of denial, and not wanting to face up to the reality ..
as for my boss - he is a very controlled, precise character.
he is all about project management .. flow charts etc and seems to be approaching this in the same manner.
needs to know everything, but yes, i did stop from saying certain things ...
but he wants to have everything sorted out before the end game kicks in, and was asking what needs to be done to make things easier for his wife ..

why is he still working?

he isn't.
he came in today to tell the team ...
suspect that will be it bar the odd pop in session ...

this sounds like it could be pretty rough for you

as per the usual way things work for me, this has proven to be correct ...

i hate delayed reactions like this ...