Archie Comics - C/D?

You should see the comic digests they sell on street corners in Mexico. They're the same size as those Archie mini-booklets and drawn in the same way except they're very adult, with busty blondes who can't keep their robes tied around them and the obligatory homosexual man available for comic relief.

Other than those differences, you still half-expect to see Mr. Weatherbee on the next page.

Also, whoever's writing them and editing them these days has atrocious language skills. I've counted numerous cases of the your/you're and the their/there/they're mistakes, and noticed in this last one that someone was complaining that their credit was so bad that Pop Tate wouldn't even "except my cash". Ow.

In the course of a day, Reggie and Archie discover to their surprise that Betty, Veronica and Midge are preparing a 160 pound burger in the front lawn of the Lodge mansion. Their job appears to consist of lowering the upper monster bun onto the patty. Nearby, butlers whose sole job it is is to dress in tux and tails while presenting individual jars of pickles sternly march in a line. A small dog observes them, appearing to contribute nothing beyond drooling, and even that is not actually shown, but implied. The quality of the burger patty itself is vaguely questionable.

Reggie concludes insanity on the part of his female friends. Betty mocks him for his thinking by means of a logical observation:

* It is noted that Riverdale is suffering from a problem of unemployment and depopulation. Apparently what occurs is that when work is not found, the automatic choice is to leave town. This in and of itself is not surprising, however, it is somewhat suspicious that Betty chooses this moment to illustrate the point in that at the same time she says so six separate moving trucks and vans are seen to be moving about on the roads, interstate bypasses and other means of mass transportation support which are apparently located directly in front of the Lodge mansion. This not only speaks to the amazing powers of foresight of Betty, to time her reaction to a question such that the perfect opportunity arises, but that Mr. Lodge apparently thought that this location was a prime place for a mansion. He perhaps does not mind gawkers pounding down the I-5.

* Since there is such an unemployment/depopulation problem -- presumably this combined will ruin the tax base and therefore the budget for the high school, which as a result would give the kids little to do besides sit around Pop's Diner, perhaps -- the solution is to call attention to Riverdale by means of the burger. The creation of the burger will therefore result in the world knowing Riverdale, and therefore wishing to work and invest in it specifically.

This conclusion is accepted without argument. We now move to the next part of our plot.

The nameless editor, who we can tell is an editor because he is bald, mustachioed and wears an eyeshade on his forehead, insists that the creation of a massive burger is unworthy of his reporters' efforts, due to the profusion of similar stories in other locations. It is not clear whether the images showing the world's largest pizza and so forth also occurred in Riverdale itself, which could perhaps explain his disinterest, as the local market could be saturated. The editor suggests that if someone consumed the entire burger then perhaps a story could be done. Veronica says this will not be a problem, without considering the nature of human biology before giving her answer. It is possible she flunked that class in high school. The editor, showing interest and conviction in this assertion on the part of Veronica by rising from his chair, asks her to hold off on the devouring of the hamburger until 'his' photographer is available. A reporter for the story is apparently unnecessary, which is not so strange but is perhaps reflective of the newspaper, in that the photographer is shown in the background with his legs up on a desk, staring like a shlub into space. There appears to be no other photographer than he, and indeed no other staff. The efficacy of using this particular journal in order to communicate news of economic interest to the mass media market is therefore further called into disrepute.

The story now returns to the question of the burger.

At this point one Jughead Jones appears, as he is apparently wont to walk down the street leading to the Lodge mansion, which as previously established is a highway turnoff ramp or something similar. One concludes that Jughead either likes to play in traffic or that this is a most cavalier town in terms of public walkways; both suppositions may be equally valid and applicable. Jughead is whistling, a sign that he perhaps cares for nothing in this the mundane world, though nothing is set in stone as of yet. The three females creating the burger note his appearance and conclude that they have found the person they need, and the accusations by Betty and Midge towards Veronica's state of mind are now immediately forgotten, and harmony reigns once more, as they insist Jughead must eat the burger.

This puts Jughead into a state of surprise. (As of yet, he has not seen the burger even though it is right in front of him. Clearly, he too is insane.)

Also, "visor".

Having been observed and pointed at, Jughead, who combines hunger with paranoia for reasons that a moment's thought will surely make obvious, flees the area (it is unclear if he returns to the freeway), insisting that he is not wont to dance, a point he has insisted on before. This is perhaps designed for amusement. Betty and Veronica tackle him and insist he is desired for the power of his mouth in consumption, a thrilling prospect to be sure, though in this case it is for the eating of a sole burger. The expression on his face as he is tackled is vacant and a thought bubble contains a question mark, showing that his hunger and paranoia are now combined with mental slowness. His sad addiction to the demon weed is confirmed, but further unremarked upon, though the remainder of the comic makes clear that he had a bad case of the munchies.

Jughead, confronted with the burger, wonders if there is any condition attached to the eating of it, and seems incredibly unfazed by the prospect of devouring the entire 160-pound content of it. Indeed, he welcomes it, and wonders if he is being made fun of given the opportunity to devour it in full. (As you can see, his paranoia continues.) Archie, who hitherto has been mute, suddenly speaks for the first time to insist that if Jughead pursues his course of action, the resultant effect would be to render him deceased, with the unspoken implication that his worldly pleasures would therefore cease as well. Jughead challenges this observation by an embrace of hedonism, insisting that death resulting from the eating of a 160-pound burger would be a welcome and amazing way to shed this mortal coil. There are no further attempts to stop Jughead's eating, indicating that his friends have accepted the prospect of suicide and are willing to witness the grand event.

This might be seen to be a curious state of events, in that the eating of a burger -- bite by bite -- might not normally be considered gripping television. We are now shamed for assuming this, thanks to a portrayal of a man and a woman in their home, where the man is watching TV. It is not clear where this couple is in relation to Riverdale but what is clear is that the TV station the man is watching is showing minute-by-minute coverage of the burger eating. The woman, confused, wonders aloud if there isn't a baseball game on the man wished to watch. The man, gripping the armrest in excitement and apparently also drinking a beer, acknowledges this but insists that burger eating is a more fascinating spectacle to observe on TV, even after 5 hours and 22 minutes have elapsed. We do not see this couple again, and it is not clear whether their discussion petered out, led to an argument, resulted in copulation or became some combination of various moods.

Jughead is in agonies due to his exertions, and insists he cannot have the final bite. But his fellows cheer him on, and we see the horrible grinning visage of the terribly-attired TV reporter say in triumph that the burger has finally been devoured. He then goes on to tell his audience that two world records had been set in Riverdale, for burger size and continual burger eating, though at no point does he take the opportunity to point out that this makes Riverdale an attractive place for multinationals and venture capitalists. It is presumed that for this reason Riverdale turns into a slum the following day, but this is not clear.

Jughead, overhearing the reporter, insists that a third record was set, for the world's biggest stomachache, as he sits slumped against the burger podium. The reporter looks stunned while his friends engage in merry laughter at his expense. With this the comic ends. It is not clear whether Jughead then smoked some more pot to relax.

I want a CDR of it being read out.

You are insane, but with a purpose.

(a giant jpeg showing a whole comic story. totally dismal and excellent!)

http://accordionguy.blogware.com/Photos/2005/10/shes_goth_to_have_it.jpg

Oh, the misreadings.

http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k157/jcsunshine/rap1.jpg
http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k157/jcsunshine/rap2.jpg
http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k157/jcsunshine/rap3real.jpg
http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k157/jcsunshine/rap4.jpg
http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k157/jcsunshine/rap5.jpg
http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k157/jcsunshine/rap6.jpg

Sublime

And indeed, ridiculous. There was much laughter when these were shared over the weekend.

whut

The first panel of the second page is the best. Veronica's rap exasperation bursts out of the frame!

wow

What the hell.

Although maybe Mr. Lodge's fortune got wiped out last year so Archie and Veronica are on the same social level now.

Veronica'll say NO

But the cover!

http://www.img.archiecomics.com/press/a600.500.jpg

wait, what's going on with Jughead

hmmm Ned I guess if words are in huge, bold, pink letters they have to be pointed out to me.

Has anyone ever proposed IN a jewelry store?

seems like it would remove a lot of the mystery

I think Jughead is dismayed that his friend is making such a dumbass move. So sad! BETTY FOREVER!

Ned you are at your stone cold best in this thread.

I remember one of the funnest nights I had in high school was me & my buddies reading some Archie comics out loud to each other, in similar panel-by-panel breakdown, with each person reading a specific character's dialogue bubbles.

Hahahah thanks. :-)

i always enjoy mike sterling's comics blog, but today's entry on Archie was esp entertaining:

http://www.progressiveruin.com/

also someone leant me a few issues of 'the black archie' recently, they're terrible sadly:

http://www.mycomicshop.com/comicbooks/item?IID=7361041

All I can say is, Carl Jung would have made considerable hay out of Archie comics. He would damn near have wept golden tears over Betty and Veronica.

Well hello there

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/comic-riffs/archie.jpg

"The introduction of Kevin is just about keeping the world of Archie Comics current and inclusive. Archie's hometown of Riverdale has always been a safe world for everyone. It just makes sense to have an openly gay character in Archie comic books," Archie Comics honcho Jon Goldwater said in announcing the news.

In an interview , Parent said that the comic is striving for more diversity and that the new character, a "burgeoning journalist" named Kevin Keller, reportedly will appear in Veronica Comics (#202) in September, in an issue titled "Isn't It Bromantic?" (To see character art of Kevin, you can check the blog "Robot 6.")

"Veronica's got the hots for this guy and can't understand why he's not interested in her ... and, uh, he's gay," Parent says in the interview.

^loving V-ron's face on that btw

my daughter got an issue of Archie awhile ago. plot featured ringtones, youtube clips, and texting

#Dennis Perrin
Archie has a gay wedding, and it's not Betty and Veronica? Sugar Sugar my ass!

Genius.

this one from archie out of context cracks me up every time http://i.imgur.com/smFA4.jpg

baby girl http://i.imgur.com/smFA4.jpg me

My cousin Paul is the lead writer on the "Life with Archie" comic, so he's written quite a bit of the Kevin Kellar stuff. After all his years in the industry, it's funny that he's getting his greatest success with friggin' Archie.

http://online.wsj.com/article/APfcbf388f6a2f4b0b89238ad78bf1fcd6.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/nyregion/the-battle-for-a-comic-empire-that-archie-built.html

Meanwhile:

http://www.readaboutcomics.com/2011/12/21/criminal-the-last-of-the-innocent/

Also given the Occupy parody links from Nicole a few posts up, get this (from the NYT story):

Meanwhile, Mr. Goldwater, a married father of two, is running Archie solo. An “Occupy Riverdale” comic and an animated “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” series are imminent.

https://sphotos-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/993939_10151862242484009_1399795862_n.jpg

damn, is this real?

http://media.tumblr.com/d78206af10d1b8c4dba11537f1de88e6/tumblr_inline_mqijxq0bLw1qjcsti.jpg

the bongos are in pain

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/archie-boss-calls-male-employees-penis-article-1.1534462

re: the co-CEO of Archie Comics: “[T]he word ‘penis’ became somewhat of a campaign slogan and her preferred method of referring to employees in lieu of their names,” their new filing says."

Silberkleit, they say, invited Hell’s Angels to Archie’s Mamaroneck offices in an apparent effort to “intimidate” them, and has repeatedly inquired about the whereabouts of the handgun and 750 rounds of ammo her husband kept at the office.