Craigslist hilarity

uh..

http://greenville.craigslist.org/mis/340111857.html

seeking any woman with a garage - 33

Reply to: pers-386221✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-31, 1:09PM HST

I recently ended a relationship with a wonderful woman, we just were not meant for each other. I am seeking a new relationship with a woman with a nice garage. The garage does not have to be enclosed, but must have plenty of lockable storage. A workbench would be nice with good lighting too. I live in town, so the garage would need to be located near UH. The girl will need to have a sense of humor to be able to put with my odd sense of humor. I am open to any race, ages 22-45, perfer thin to average, and physical beauty, but less attractive women need to make up for it in "garage".

To alleviate your curiosity, I will now describe myself. White, male, 33, 5'10", exercise regularly, modestly attractive, fun to be around.

I thought i would give CL a try since I keep meeting women who live in condos. Mahalo for reading my listing.

less attractive women need to make up for it in "garage".

Awesome.

Is "nice garage" a euphemism.

nice workbench

i like to think of this as the guy's idea of "the full spectrum of acceptable garages":

http://images.craigslist.org/010101010208010409200707314e3c5586fa4a68109e00b09e.jpg http://images.craigslist.org/010112010212010402200707312cece8a6d5f5a53014007289.jpg http://images.craigslist.org/01010201020501040620070731099eed4228d98562640051b5.jpg

what is that minimalist faggotry on the right

Frank Lloyd Wrights shed?

how hot would you have to be if that were your garage?

The small/low res image makes it look like an idea someone had for leftover fiberboard and 2x4s.

man that first garage is making me hard.

Greetings,

Our apartment building has been a veritable revolving door over the past few months (thanks in part due to the excessively permissive flexible leasing system instituted by our notoriously spaced-out landlord) and our apartment has been no exception. Our current roommate, a nice beefy self-proclaimed hillbilly from the Twin Cities and a die-hard Cubs fan to boot (which naturally fueled malicious little one-liners from my former naturalized Southsider tendencies) is moving in with his long-standing girlfriend (who, mercifully, is a die-hard White Sox fan) following the dictates of Cupid which thankfully won over a frankly trivial raging century-old intra-city rivalry.

Of course, considering the fact that White Sox won the big one in 2005 while the Cubs have been . . . .

Never mind. Cubs fans know the facts very well while Sox fans would have used arguments along similar lines several, several times in the past, particularly in the wake of the Sox' misfortunes this season.

(Hmm. This is worrisome. I'm a Southsider purely by academic vocation only and don't really know baseball that well. Yet I talk the talk. I'll confess to not being wholly capable of walking the walk)

However, back to the main intentions of this post. The apartment is a spacious unit with three bedrooms, a basement, two bathrooms, a large backyard, a large kitchen and a living room area. The apartment is situated around 5 blocks away from the Six Corners and is on North Avenue.

The dramatis personae who currently inhabit this financially serendipitous piece of real estate are currently three in number.

One is a nice little 24-year-old blonde girl from Iowa who used to attend Columbia College and now intends to pursue academic interests in forensics (which I shall maintain to my dying day is the result of too much CSI). She has a big scaredy-cat of a dog who is probably one of the frendliest mutts for blocks around. Nobody who has crossed this threshold (save the landlord, strangely enough) has ever been greeted by anything other than a vigorous wag of the tail and a friendly "smile" on his face, as the little blonde girl puts it. Do not mess with the little blonde girl. She might be tiny and almost always alternate between sleepy and sweet. But, be warned, she listens to Rancid and Drop Kick Murphys, is tattooed (well, ONE tattoo) and will mess you up in extremely diabolical ways if you feel the need to be a jerkwad.

The second character is the aforementioned dog. He's neutered and he knows it. He will also fetch you one of his toys (once he gets to know you better), hold it tantalizingly just beyond your grasp and then run at top-speed into the little blonde girl's room where he shall energetically chew it every time he espies you after this baiting incident. You have been warned. DO NOT FALL PREY TO HIS TEMPTATIONS. BRING YOUR OWN TOYS TO CHEW ON.

The third character (and almost certianly the most minor in the roll) is a 23-year-old boy from a magical land far, far away. He's an aspiring economist, a wannabe investment banker, a graduate student at a smarty-pantsy university in town and purveyor of all good things literary, culinary, cinematic and musical. He's a vegetarian, usually smarter than a doorknob, frequently complimented by mothers of winsome young lasses to be a good-looking boy, easy-going enough to be a pushover without being a punching bag and is currently struggling with a newfound discovery that he has inexplicably and unprecedentedly become very, very shy around girls. He has no explanations or deductions about this. Applications for, ahem, things OTHER than the room in the apartment will be gladly accepted and be duly processed expeditiously by the boy. Since he's single, he will PERSONALLY give you big, BIG bonus points if the prospective applicant has hot, fun-loving and flexible FEMALE friends. His mannerisms are often British (though he's not), smart and world-wise and will insist that certain words must necessarily be written a certain way, Microsoft Word US Edition be damned.

This boy is currently the writer of this post.

Still with us? Good. Well, qualifications for prospective applicants are:

1. Pretty please with a cherry on top be in our age range (which would approximately be around 20 - 26 years of age in human years). This means that people who whistle and wittle twigs into fanciful representations of Lyndon B. Johnson as they "remember" him or people who need fake IDs to get into bars and clubs and still have the smell of high school lockers on them would be politely spoken to and firmly refused any further consideration.

2. Pretty please be clean, hygenically repronsible, a frequent washer of one's own plates and cutlery, financially responsible and suitably well-rounded and tolerant. We occasionally watch soap operas for the hot chicks (well, the boy does) but we would prefer it if we don't end up in one with a significantly less attractive and less wealthy cast of characters (once again, this is all from the boy).

3. It is generally preferable if you are the owner of a bed for your room (and a big point in your favour if you are the owner of a television and a stereo, adds the boy, so that he can play acid jazz and soothing lounge music on the stereo and watch fanciful foreign films with bad subtitles on the other).

4. The little blonde girl has said that she will be more open to female roommates than she was before. So, the little blonde girl has one bonus point for you if you're a non-bitchy female. The boy is unconcerned about the gender of the applicant as long as the applicant has hot, fun-loving and flexible FEMALE friends.

5. Bonus points if you're a student and are still financially stable. Double bonus points if you know and appreciate the arts, cinema and music in particular. Triple bonus points if you have a sense of humour.

This advertisement is being published a WHOLE MONTH IN ADVANCE (the place will be available by September 2007) because the last time we ran an advertisement on Craigslist, we were swamped by over a hundred applications, which we assume would be due to:

a. The conducive location of the apartment. The apartment is in one of the nicer neighborhoods in the city peopled by many interesting people and is strategically located close to grocery stores, convenience stores, Blue Line stations and bus stops.

b. The ridiculous cheapness of the place (considering the neighborhood) without the inhabitants being similarly so. The landlord of the place is accomodating, friendly, slightly mad and very flexible with the lease. A security deposit of $400 would be required and all utilities will be shared.

However, unlike last time, no telephone numbers would be provided here for you to call. A correspondence with detailed information about the applicant is deemed absolutely necessary (please take note of the amount of detail WE are providing you about us. Appreciate that and reciprocate. This would be one basic quality we are looking for in our prospective roommate), appointments will be booked (and hopefully maintained), viewings will be scheduled and finally, a telephone number will be provided just so that you don't get lost while looking for the place.

A decision will be made in consultation with the landlord (WHO WILL NOT BE MEETING YOU) and you shall be informed via email about the decision. If you're selected, you will receive information as to whether you could move in any time earlier than September (which is entirely possible, thanks to the urgency that Cupid inspires in young people) and any other relevant updates that you should know.

Peace out, ladies and laddies.

i'm probably still gonna email them

I wish he would try harder to sound smart.

i'm just telling myself that a lot of my good friends and i assume i myself sound pretty annoying on livejournal. pretty sure there are a couple study abroad u's up in that novel though ugh

enjoy living with ian riese-moraine.

lololololololol

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/188591432.html

stop hogging all the AC bitch

a newfound discovery that he has inexplicably and unprecedentedly become very, very shy around girls is totally gay.

otm

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/386248666.html

new york craigslist > manhattan > men seeking women
Harry Potter Party - (Single guys and girls more then welcome) - 29 (Midtown West)
Reply to: pers-386248✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-31, 4:09PM EDT

Hi everyone. My girlfriend and I are having a costume themed Harry Potter party this Saturday at our apartment in Matthatan. The party begins at 6pm and lasts till it ends....

Please dress as a character from the Harry Potter book series. There shall be awards given out at the end of the night.

Please bring $5 dollars per person to cover our expenses for drinks and food - of which there will be an endless supply!

If the weather is nice we will hopefully take the party up to our roof deck!

Alot of our single guy and girlfriends will be attending...

Thank you and please email us for address and other details.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/383737657.html

Indie rocker looking for love - 21 (Upper West Side)
Reply to: pers-383737✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-28, 12:08AM EDT

I'm 5'10", 164lbs, and so obsessed with Harry Potter that I sincerely wish I attended Hogwarts. I play guitar and sing lead in a prominent nyc band. I'm an acting major at college in NYC. I enjoy drinking (in moderation), smoking, hiking, biking, walking around, getting lost, swimming, singing, writing, acting and listening to a lot of music. If you feel any need to contact me, just write a bit about yourself with a picture. Mine will follow.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/383433985.html

Just Finished Harry Potter - 26 (Upper West Side)
Reply to: pers-383433✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-27, 4:11PM EDT

Now I'm sad...anyone else?

lol at this guy:

Horny goodlooking masculine bi Italian male 23/6/160 with a big dick looking to swap loaded condoms with similar young guys. I've got a fetish for eating big loads out of condoms. I'm super healthy and shoot big nuts. You be too. If you want my thick load in a condom, get at me. We can swap cum by mail.

parmesan

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/muc/393282746.html

You must also pay me and feed me as well if we have rehearsals. I learn fast so you will get the most out of your money and food.

For Gigs I expect more compensation and two dinners. (I love any kind of fast food, but most is ok. No Pork, I get the runs) I am good and worth my weight in gold.

TWO DINNERS

He must be pretty fucking amazing if he eats two dinners a night and is still worth his weight in gold.

Amazing?? He rocks the "hissousee"!!

I'm 5'10", 164lbs, and so obsessed with Harry Potter that I sincerely wish I attended Hogwarts. I play guitar and sing lead in a prominent nyc band. I'm an acting major at college in NYC. I enjoy drinking (in moderation), smoking, hiking, biking, walking around, getting lost, swimming, singing, writing, acting and listening to a lot of music. If you feel any need to contact me, just write a bit about yourself with a picture. Mine will follow.

any guesses as to what "prominent nyc band" this guy plays in?

harry & the potters

8x8x16 Cement Block - $1
Reply to: sale-395453✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-08-12, 6:24PM EDT

I have approximately 275 to 300 cinder blocks for sale. They are standard 8"x8"x16". They cost about $1.75 plus delivery fees if you buy them somewhere else. I'm asking $1.00 per block.

You pick them up and move them yourself.

Please don't waste my fucking time with endless emails. These are plain old cinderblocks, for fuck sake. You don't need to do an engineering study on the feasibility of using these fucking things as building material. That's what they're for, you fucking idiots. Now listen, we're all busy people here. You want the blocks? Come get the fucking blocks and give me one dollar for every block you take. How fucking hard is that? You don't have to tell me what you're building. I don't give a fuck. I'm not interested in helping you build it either. Why? Because I don't give a fuck. I just want to get these fucking things off my property. So if you want them, get the fuck over here with some money and take them. The next fucking moron that emails me with "I'm building a blah blah blah, and was wondering if..." The answer is NO. Come get the fucking blocks and build it yourself. If I knew how to do masonry, don't you think I'd be using the blocks myself instead of selling them for half fucking price? What the fuck is wrong with you people? The next one of you fucking jackasses that emails me with some sob-story bullshit is getting his email address added to the North American Man/Boy Love Association mailing list.

You want the blocks? Come get the blocks, and don't fuck with me!

Jeez, was that written by Lyle from Achewood?

FREE - Batman Car FLOAT
Reply to: sale-382294✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-26, 8:22AM CDT

We have this Batman car float - please see pictures - that we've used in the Maryville homecoming parade. I would hate to destroy it - it took forever to make. If you can use it - maybe in a parade or just to let your kids play on it please come by and take it. It's built on a 4x8 plywood base and the overall dimensions are approximately 5x9.

It's in the driveway at:
824 Cedar Valley Dr.
Maryville, IL 62062

I would recommend typing our address in Google for directions. If you have any questions please call me at 618-304-0907.
Thanks!

http://images.craigslist.org/01030001040801040220070726fa8eb32ad4f4d1c3dc00417d.jpghttp://images.craigslist.org/01030201041101041020070726b367a28ec0e9779db000d35f.jpg

I am going to get the shit out of that Batman car float.

And then what, once it's poop-free?

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/sys/404687992.html

+++IS YOUR COMPUTOR ACTING BAD?+++
Reply to: see below
Date: 2007-08-23, 11:36PM PDT

SAVE money, don't toss or replace it, bring it to me.

I clean viruses, trojans, spyware, etc, and restore your computor to its optimum ability.

I can UPGRADE your box to maximize its performance AND RELIABILITY.

The vast majority of computors also have HUNDREDS of REGISTRY ERRORS which slow the boot and other processes. I correct these errors.

They also often have lots of "cookies", and/or various "spyware", and/or "adware", etc. which also serve to slow your box down CONSIDERABLY. I REMOVE these,

and if you wish, I WILL SHOW YOU HOW YOU can KEEP IT UP AND RUNNING RIGHT!

All you need to do is call me at 360-719-3523 (Vancouver) and if you have to leave a message, I'll get back to you A.S.A.P. As I'm pretty busy, I can't always come to the phone, but if you'll say your name and your phone number (CLEARLY and TWICE so I don't have to REPLAY it), I promise you I'll return your call. Give me a time frame and HOW LATE I can call you as I will call as late as Midnight if you wish.

NO, I DON'T charge for a quick "look-see" and recommendation.
NO, I probably can't diagnose over the phone. I simply do not have the time.
NO, I DON'T charge by the hour (I'm HONEST) and most often the bill is $50 or less for labor.
AND, you can save even more by supplying any needed parts yourself if you wish.
Just CALL me at 360-719-3523 and SAVE some CASH and your COMPUTOR.
Thanks for looking!
Jim

And, to the jackass(ES) who keeps "flagging" this ad, Please, GROW a pair.

Little "man", I know what you're doing and how you're doing it. NO ad can get flagged in less than 20 minutes without the assistance of a computor and I wonder how Craig and the others will like it when they find out they have had their system played with and manipulated by you. I feel sorry for the likes of you who have NOTHING better to do than sit at a computor and continually harass and make misery for others.

You are interefering with, disrupting and gernerally causing undue harm to peoples lives and I believe there is a special place in HELL for you and your kind.

GET the DECENCY and GUTS to Call ME and arrange a mutually agreeable time to meet and for me to rearrange your attitude. You have my number THREE times above. It's too bad you haven't attained a level of common courtesy. If the HONEST way I do business (I tell the truth and give people their options) offends you, you have Rights. Among these is the Right to LEAVE and go elsewhere. PLEASE, PLEASE EXERCISE that Right. Perhaps the French would allow you to infect their country. WE don't need your type in America. Since my favorite color isn't blue, I'm not holding my breath waiting for your ineffectual call, or feeble attempt to justify yourself and/or your actions.

I'm tired of your crap. I've contacted a buddy of mine who works for the feds. I believe he can nail you for violations of the ANTI-TERRORISM bill signed by clinton AND the current Patriot Act.

AND, ANYONE else who has been harassed by this simpleton and/or had their ads improperly "flagged" PLEASE feel free to contact me with the particulars. If we work together, perhaps we can remove this unmitigated ass to the federal pen for about 25 to life.
My # is here three times. CALL ME.

Location: 360-719-3523
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 404687992

Are you dead? - m4w
Reply to: pers-411971✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-09-01, 11:12PM HST

Hi, this is going to sound nuts to most ppl,
but I have recently come to the conclusion that
I am not actually alive and that I died some time ago.
I am looking for other ppl who have realized that they are dead.
If you wanna chill, drink, and laugh at all the people
who think they are still alive, then hit me up.

http://images.craigslist.org/01010001040001030520070902cef3ee2f53609528d400fb3e.jpg

I know it's rare nowadays but is there any Bearded-Lady out there ?? - m4w
Reply to: pers-408520✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-08-28, 2:32PM HST

Enthralled as I always was with the Circus, especially the attraction of the Bearded Lady, I am looking for such a lady here on Oahu. Let me emphasize that her beard must Not be a fake wig but a REAL beard. Am anticipating your e-mail.

http://honolulu.craigslist.org/oah/stp/408520074.html

Grady that you?

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/msg/434412683.html

The "things wanted" list is the gold here.

CARTON OF MARLBORO 100 CIGARETTES (the red ones)(must be new)

DVD shows - must be complete series
1) Mannix (complete series)
2) Magnum P I (complete series)
3) Baretta (complete series)
4) Hart to Hart (complete series)
5) Branded with Chuck Connors (complete series)
6) McMillan and Wife (complete series)
7) Life of Riley with Bendix (complete series)
8) Loretta Young Show (complete series)
9) My Secretary (complete series)
10) Bachelor Father (complete series)
11) My Little Margie (complete series)
12) Hazel (complete series
13) Police Woman (complete series with Angie Dickenson)
14) Topper (complete series)
15) December Bride (complete series)
16) Love That Bob (complete series)
17) I Married Joan (compete series)

PENS WITH ASSORTED INK COLORS - RED, BLUE, GREEN, BLACK, PURPLE, AND PINK OR OTHER COLORED INKS (MUST BE NEW)

COMPUTOR INK FOR HP DESKJET 9650 PRINTER - INK # 55,56,57 (MUST BE NEW)

VILEDA MOP HEADS (MUST BE NEW)

VHS 8-HOUR BLANK TAPES - EXTRA HIGH GRADE FOR THE BEST QUALITY PICTURE AND SOUND(MUST BE NEW)

JVC TAPE CASETTES FOR A DIGITAL JVC CAMERA (must be new)

RECHARGEABLE AA BATTERYS NICKEL-METAL HYDRIDE 4- IN PACKAGE (must be new)

TIDE THE BIG ONE (must be new)

AMMONIA BIG ONES (must be new)

LILAC BODY SPRAY (must be new)

BIG BOTTLES OF JOY (must be new)

BIG TUBES OF BENGAY (must be new)

PRELL SHAMPOO BIG BOTTLE (must be new)

SOS PADS BIG BOX (must be new)

ENVELOPES THE KIND THAT PEEL SO THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO EAT GLUE (must be new)

NAIL POLISH REMOVER (must be new)

WINDSHIELD WIPERS OR BLADES FOR A VAN (must be new)

SNOWCONE FACTORY MACHINE (must be new)

SALT FOR THE SNOW BIG BAG - REGULAR SALT (must be new)

HAMMS SCENERAMA MOTION BEER SIGN WITH THE CAMPFIRE AND WATERFALLS

HONDA 305 CC DREAM MOTORCYCLE

1955-56-57-58 CHEVY CONVERTIBLE, 2-DOOR SPORT COUPE, OR 2 DOOR SEDAN

ANTI-FREEZE FOR A VAN OR TRUCK BIG ONES (must be new)

OIL FOR A VAN OR TRUCK (must be new)

TRANSMISSION FLUID FOR A VAN OR TRUCK (must be new)

WINDSHIELD WIPER FLUID FOR A VAN OR TRUCK (must be new)

SNOW STICK/SCRAPERS WITH THE BRUSH ON IT (must be new and long ones)

LEMONADE OR KOOL-ADE IN THE CANS - the big ones (must be new ones)

SNOW TIRES FOR MY VAN - (MUST BE NEW)

genius taste in television programs, at any rate

BIG TUBES OF BENGAY (must be new)

ENVELOPES THE KIND THAT PEEL SO THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO EAT GLUE (must be new)

omg this

Should I trade my 1956 Chevy convertible for his toy accordian, y/n?

BROOKLYN REKKID STORE PICKUPS

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/430427832.html

I love how his wants are basically the Christmas list of an old man.

BIG BOTTLES OF JOY

er...

(must be new)

Try going to a shop then!

call me vince

you'll be best off if you do

inside of a slot machine it's too dark to read

https://littlerock.craigslist.org/ele/d/conway-inside-of-slot-machine/6770230281.html

https://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/zip/d/los-angeles-free-embalming-fluid/6779896145.html

FREE EMBALMING FLUID (Los Angeles)

The guy on Reddit over-estimated how much I'd need for my Mom and her Pomeranian, so I have six quarts of leftover embalming fluid. It's currently at my life-coach's in Beaumont, so I'll need at least 48 hours advance notice. Willing to trade the very well preserved Pomeranian for a hammock. If interested in just the fluid, text or email a photo of Don Garlits. If interested in just the Pomeranian, text or email a trade offer, along with a photo of Artis Gilmore. If interested in both the fluid and the Pomeranian, text or email an offer, along with a photo of Dino Stamatopoulos. Serious replies only.

"I tried using this dishwasher you sold me and it smashed all my dishes and glassware to bits. Something's wrong with it"

https://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/app/d/falls-church-dishwasher-miele-like-new/6786417587.html

no thanks

Large music library looking for safe, secure, long term home. Senior rock and roll drummer (without a set!) Also seeking a place to call home. Together would be nice but the library is in storage and I want to get it out. Willing to pay some rent, and share the resource. Interested in starting a music appreciation program also. Music is best when shared.

https://i.redd.it/mr7etpcgenn61.jpg

slim yogurt pant

pulitzer worthy

Pittsburgh's James Joyce.

chris (simpsons artist)

SBARROS

https://minneapolis.craigslist.org/ank/zip/d/anoka-mn-twins-paul-molitor-3000-hit/7652317880.html

StarTribune poster of Paul Molitor's 3,000 hit. Not mint. Some wrinkles from damage during a move. 24" X 18".
I am selling most of my MN Twins items here.
Health issues are forcing me to begin to liquidate my estate.
I know my family will not abide by my final wishes, so I am
trying to sell here.
If something were to happen to me, my family would simply back a U-Haul up to the door, toss EVERYTHING into boxes, and haul it to Goodwill.
After that they will have a party and dance on my grave.
**MINIMUM 24 HOUR NOTICE FOR P/U.

HOW have I never seen "Pittsburgh's James Joyce" before today? Dying.

I hope he was able to taste her hair and bobs and buy her a meal at Arby's on McKnight Road.

"slim yogurt pant"

this is one of the creepiest/weirdest CL posts i've seen, in the "free stuff" section:

https://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/zip/d/falls-church-free-home-repairs/7676945091.html

Free home repairs (Falls church)

If are a plus size women over 45 I will do your home repairs for free. Please live with in 10 miles of Falls Church.

(like, uh, why?)