Music Criticism 2012, UK Division: "Instead of a review of this performer's concert, here are 50 insulting remarks about her appearance."

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Christian Jegard
white pepper is the most pathetic, neediest condiment around. we all know black pepper's by far the best, yet white just sits there acting as if its not bothered. yeah good luck going on MY pasta you prick.
April 15 at 9:13am via mobile ·

18 people like this.

cissémanwhore (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 14:46 (seven years ago) link

RECENT ACTIVITY

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"hello chaps! i'm an englishman and was wondering if there was a british division of your wonderful organization that i could join? i can provide references if i need to. just a few questions -
1) is there a fee to join?
2) do we get a welcome pack/ fact pack?
3) how soon can i start murdering people?" on Crips's timeline.

cissémanwhore (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 14:48 (seven years ago) link

this guy's gonna far

Vermicious Knid A (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 14:51 (seven years ago) link

RECENT ACTIVITY

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"i'm having a day where i'm pretending its the seventies and i'm going to smoke anywhere i damn well please, just for one day. on the train, in the pub, etc. we won't get nicked, as long as we keep moving on. everyone do it. " on Everyone Smoke Fags Day's timeline.

cissémanwhore (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 14:51 (seven years ago) link

xp I wish he'd just go TBH

good luck in your pyramid (Neil S), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 14:52 (seven years ago) link

Christian Jegard
remembering when we spent the whole day replacing 'love' with 'lunch' in song titles - what time is lunch, shower your lunch on me, i would do anything for lunch (but i wont do that), i believe in a thing called lunch, your lunch is my lunch (and my lunch is your lunch) etc...
November 14, 2011 at 11:27pm via mobile ·
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17 people like this.
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View all 124 comments

cissémanwhore (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 14:53 (seven years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibt5wfp5nZQ

not the Tesco Value Pete Doherty, no sir

Vermicious Knid A (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 14:53 (seven years ago) link

The newly formed Valentines are a Brighton based band who formed in 2007, consisting of singer Christian Jegard, Bassist Chris Lowe, Guitarists Chris Leader and Danny Curtis, and drummer Carlito's Way.

Their plan from the start was to make fun, proper songs that sound like they're "sprinkled in Sugar and glitter".

They want "to smash melodies out for everyone to fall in love with/to".

WNS

Vermicious Knid A (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 14:56 (seven years ago) link

drummer carlito's way. FFS

pandemic, Tuesday, 15 May 2012 14:58 (seven years ago) link

and drummer Carlito's Way.
and drummer Carlito's Way.
and drummer Carlito's Way.
and drummer Carlito's Way.
and drummer Carlito's Way.

good luck in your pyramid (Neil S), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 14:58 (seven years ago) link

shd've got a bassist called Glengarry Glen Ross

Vermicious Knid A (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 15:00 (seven years ago) link

Donnie Brasco on tambourine.

good luck in your pyramid (Neil S), Tuesday, 15 May 2012 15:01 (seven years ago) link

Kind of don't want to give the pricks the clicks, so not going on to that article, but from what's posted here this dude is the kind of utter utter twat that gives Brighton a band name. SMH.

emil.y, Tuesday, 15 May 2012 18:33 (seven years ago) link

hello! i wrote this florence thing and am well good.
firstly, do you not think that suggesting 'glengarry glen ross' and 'donnie brasco' is redundant because 'carlito's way' is clearly not what the drummer's ACTUALLY called and was only referred to as such ONCE in this particular description because we were being silly. you cant ridicule something that was self-consciously silly in the first place. your brasco comments are kind of 'scary movie' to 'scream' if you know what i mean.

secondly, i'm not a writer (as you can probably guess). it wasn't intended as an actual review. d'you REALLY think i mean it? how on earth can someone "look like sid james' laugh"?
i'm merely just indifferent to welch. no feelings either way. she was bothering me at the time and (no offence) you'd have to be a moron to think that i actually believe that a florence and the machine gig is comparable to the fritzl basement.
twas a joke. rest easy, i'm not a music journalist. i posses neither coke nor iretrievable levels of smugness.

dextor ellis bextor, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:25 (seven years ago) link

incidentally, carlito's way is a TERRIBLE film.
all De Palma films are.

dextor ellis bextor, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:27 (seven years ago) link

U mad doggie

Blue Collar Retail Assistant (Dwight Yorke), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:29 (seven years ago) link

i'm certainly challenged by those opinions

Vermicious Knid A (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:30 (seven years ago) link

Egg on my face re. Donnie Brasco joeks.

good luck in your pyramid (Neil S), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:32 (seven years ago) link

feeling a calum/doomie vibe from this guy, need to nurture him imho

pat rice memorial barbecue (Ward Fowler), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:33 (seven years ago) link

Oh, it's nice to know you do not mean it.

Neither do I.

Mark G, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:34 (seven years ago) link

feeling a bit star-struck tbh

Vermicious Knid A (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:34 (seven years ago) link

I wonder which photo of King Adora did he took to the barber's

Morrissey & Clunes: The Severed Alliance (PaulTMA), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:35 (seven years ago) link

Is the band called "The Newly Formed Valentines" ?

Mark G, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:35 (seven years ago) link

Why is "glitter" not capitalised? Is it to distance yourself from Gary Glitter?

Mark G, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:36 (seven years ago) link

no, the "Sugar" is capitalized to signify the tween girls' mag

Vermicious Knid A (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:37 (seven years ago) link

They 'want to "smash melodies out..." '

Is that because they aim to do this at some point in the future?

Mark G, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:38 (seven years ago) link

'carlito's way' is clearly not what the drummer's ACTUALLY called

No his real name is Carlito Sway.

Gavin, Leeds, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:41 (seven years ago) link

When you say you cannot ridicule something that is silly, are you saying that Florence is not silly?

Mark G, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:42 (seven years ago) link

and, has he gone?

Mark G, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:42 (seven years ago) link

'carlito's way' is clearly not what the drummer's ACTUALLY called

No his real name is Carlito Sway.

― Gavin, Leeds, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 11:41 (5 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

up there with Lou Bega (hi grimmers!)

Blue Collar Retail Assistant (Dwight Yorke), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:49 (seven years ago) link

oh and emily, you're right, i do give brighton a band name.
on a daily basis, in fact. today it "the trust fund bohemians".

dextor ellis bextor, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:50 (seven years ago) link

Hi Dwight (xp)

Gavin, Leeds, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:52 (seven years ago) link

TRUST! FUND! BOHEMIANS!

Blue Collar Retail Assistant (Dwight Yorke), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 10:58 (seven years ago) link

mark g - the glitter's not capitalised because i didn't write the blurb and even if i did, i STILL would capitalise it because i personally cant be arsed with capitals. i've not capitalised anything in this post (apart from 'STILL')
and i assume you all understand what i'm writing.
where does this loathing come from mark? i think under different circumstances, we could've been friends you and I.
(i just did a capital for YOUR sake. [and another four, just then])

ps - email me mark, i've got some ideas about getting together to write a blog or wash a car or plant a fuckin tree or something.

dextor ellis bextor, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 11:04 (seven years ago) link

Waiting patiently for you to realise that the problem with posting 50 insults about a woman's appearance is not that it doesn't measure up to the Rolling Stone style guide.

Get wolves (DL), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 11:09 (seven years ago) link

What loathing? I have none. Or do you mean yours?

Mark G, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 11:11 (seven years ago) link

I think "The Newly Formed Valentines" is an excellent name for a band.

"The Valentines", um, well.. There's been a few havent there?

Mark G, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 11:12 (seven years ago) link

mark -
no yours, toward me band. although that youtube video up there is a bit shit, granted. this is much more representative.
(i await your slating with baited bait.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=US&hl=en-GB&client=mv-google&v=x86mVnCmg10

dextor ellis bextor, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 11:23 (seven years ago) link

well, two of note (kind of).
bon scotts old band and a doo-wop group. neither of which has been big enough to be any kind of problem though.
there was a 60's 'the charlatans' and a 60's 'the vines'.
it sounds obvious though, which is why i like it. i like names like 'the stone roses' and 'the kills' and stuff like that. i fucking hate names like 'godspeed you black emperor' and that.

dextor ellis bextor, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 11:35 (seven years ago) link

because you see i COULD call my band 'default pacino impression' or 'we are industry' or something wank like that, and do the mogwai 'loud then quiet then loud then quiet then feedback for six hours' thing but i like songs and pop music.

dextor ellis bextor, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 11:39 (seven years ago) link

Hi again.

I know it fits the concept, and is also corny, but I haven't listened to the track and am not going to.

(It's a "I don't play music at work" thing)

I used to know a bass player of "Nirvana", and yeah...

Mark G, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 11:42 (seven years ago) link

Christian are you familiar with that meme-y internet photo of a middle aged guy in suspenders having sex with an exhaust pipe?

cissémanwhore (DJ Mencap), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 12:04 (seven years ago) link

yes of course. i'll always remember his face because it was just so BLANK.
you'd think being in suspenders in a field with your dick in the exhaust pipe of a car would provoke SOME kind of reaction but nothing...
imagine what he looks like when he's washing up or fixing a hinge bracket.

dextor ellis bextor, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 12:34 (seven years ago) link

why? you're not him are you?

i don't drive.

dextor ellis bextor, Wednesday, 16 May 2012 12:36 (seven years ago) link

I wonder which photo of King Adora did he took to the barber's

― Morrissey & Clunes: The Severed Alliance (PaulTMA), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 11:35 (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

^^^^most savage zing on all ilx imho

It was you. Miming to Tenacious D. (stevie), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 12:53 (seven years ago) link

Makes me nostalgic for the days of Raygun.

banal like anal (snoball), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 13:14 (seven years ago) link

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heated debate over derpy hooves (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Wednesday, 16 May 2012 13:44 (seven years ago) link

Mr. Louis J. Batman late of the Island of Dr. Moreau

cosi fan whitford (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Monday, 21 May 2012 04:26 (seven years ago) link


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