Craigslist hilarity

Haha, I Best of Craigslist-ed it.

This posting has been flagged for removal.

Oran Juice Jones"Live" (models needed) (Universal City Plaza)

Date: 2012-05-14, 6:35PM PDT
Reply to: raynard✧✧✧@gm✧✧✧.c✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

I need 4 beautiful out going models to accompany the Legendary Oran Juice Jones on stage May 19 at The Gibson Amphitheatre. email me with 3 pictures and bio for more details. Serious inquiries only !!!

in case you didn't know:

http://youtu.be/9dZW1C3neao

Location: Universal City Plaza
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay
PostingID: 3015915665

Voice Over Actor for German Erotic stories (Anywhere)

Date: 2012-06-06, 1:39PM PDT
Reply to: mmxns-3061599✧✧✧@j✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am an English speaking erotica writer and I'm looking for both male and female book narrators to voice and produce the German versions of my erotica audiobooks. I am only looking for native Germans or those that speak German without an accent. The first that I would like to record is this one: http://www.amazon.de/Dunkles-Verlangen-heimlichen-Vorlieben-ebook/dp/B007SPGL44/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1336276174&sr=8-7

It shouldn't take you more than 10 hours to record and produce and I'm paying $120. If it sells, I can offer you many more books.

Please contact me for a script to record as an audition.
Location: Anywhere
Compensation: $120
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 3061599554

that's a find.

Lowball offer tho

I guess if I was a German speaker and desperate, making $120 in one day wouldn't sound SO terrible, depending how bad the book is (probably very bad, at least good for lolz later?) and how awful the person was to work with (probably very awful).

no one with any sense is going to talk for ten hours straight in one day

there's this guy I sit next to at work

oh 'any sense', right

hahah

"The thought of their ebony skin and dark cocks dominated her sex fantasies. As soon as she imagined her own white skin touching dark skin, her pussy began to throb"

-- werner herzog?

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/muc/3036860974.html

Real Rock Drummer for NON-pussy band (L.A.)

Date: 2012-05-25, 12:28AM PDT
Reply to: wfqrc-3036860✧✧✧@c✧✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

I do NOT play to a click track or backing tracks and GO SCREW if you think I'm gonna "tone it down a little, bro" so you can piddle away on your stringed sissy box. I WILL NOT play hotel cafe and don't take direction from ninnies who live in their fucking parents basement and whack off to dreams of hanging with Jack Johnson and rapping about his "process", you piece of shit. I am a real mother fucker with balls of steel and have a drumset that loves to be ass fucked mercilessly from behind and I need to join a band who understands that stage-sex is part of the fucking game, dude. So when I'm fucking the shit outta the kit, you can't be the guy in the corner beating your limp, taffy dick wishing that you could stick your dick in too, NO! You get that dick hard and fuck the stage with me, pussy boy. I'm so sick of stealing the show and would really love to meet some real sons of fucking bitches who aren't afraid to use a sweat band for its intended purpose: wiping off fucking sweat, cum, groupies, pussy juice, blood, etc.

Do not write me for reasons of sass because I will FIND YOU and shred your fucking face with my SHIT-STORMING DRUM GODLINESS!

http://images.craigslist.org/5I75He5Mf3Kc3J93N5c5pe441add8412b1d4a.jpg

Dude is in a wig. Right?

wait so is this a hookup ad or...

kenny powers: drummer for hire

he does have red facial hair.

I can't decide if he's a Brian Posehn character or not

I didn't think the posting could possibly deliver any more.. and then there was the picture.

i know that picture is actually hanging on the wall behind him, but it really looks like the corner of the frame has been driven partway into his head

that leather vest is mesmerisingly bad

http://knoxville.craigslist.org/mis/3093254998.html

Let me set the scene here. I was laying out on a blanket under a tree near the parking lot around 7-7:30 or so, studying for a Western Civ quiz, and all the sudden this shirtless man is jogging across the grass yelling "ANDREW! ANDREW! COME ON!" and then I see this animal control truck pull up maybe 20 yards from me. The dog is obviously older so he's lagging behind, and then this fat bitch animal control officer gets out and tries to get this poor dog that OBVIOUSLY belongs to this man with her little loop on a stick. She's too slow, so she gets back into her car while the man and the dog just keep going, drives into the parking lot (probably 70 yards from where she just was, not even kidding), and tries AGAIN to get this poor dog. The man is yelling at the top of his lungs to get his dog to run faster to get away from this woman. At this point, I have gotten up and am walking towards the parking lot just in awe of what the FUCK I am witnessing, and I swear to god if she had caught that dog, I was ready to run over there and give her a piece of my mind.
Dude.
What.
The.
FUCK.
That dog ain't botherin' ANYBODY. That man looks like he'd probably been taking that dog on runs with him without a leash for the last like 10 friggin' years. And this fat bitch animal control officer is straight up STALKING him around. After he got done running there and back on the other side, he's talking to someone in their car about what just happened, and then, oh, guess who's about to turn back into the parking lot! Whoever that was that was in that car who let that man get in there with you, you are awesome. Me and my boyfriend who at this point had returned from buying shorts at Old Navy were sending you telepathic high fives.
To the man who got terrorized by the fat bitch animal control officer, I am so sorry that you got terrorized by the fat bitch animal control officer. You seem like a badass. Well, actually, you are a badass for just giving the fat bitch animal control officer the finger and just not stopping. Double badass points for continuing your run after the person with the car dropped you off again, you seem like you don't give a fuck, and I like that. I also like that your dog's name is Andrew because that's my boyfriend's name so I feel like I would probably like your dog.
To the fat bitch animal control officer, you created a very hostile environment on what was otherwise a nice day at the park. Way to go. Pretty sure that's not in your job description. And, seriously, you missed out on like half a dozen unleashed dogs that were WAY more trouble than that one. Where were you when I got swarmed by wet twin lab puppies who tried to take the twice baked potatoes I had from the Fresh Market and my cell phone? That dog wasn't bothering anybody. Also, you are a fat bitch. This is not just an attack on your physical appearance. This is about how you got in and out of a truck and drove short distances because you can't keep up with a dog that's probably well into retirement age in dog years. You are also a bitch. Just to reiterate. Also, I really hope you don't do that all the time, because you're going to ruin the fucking grass and everybody is going to resent you for it. Seriously. I hope you went home, had diarrhea, and on the way to the bathroom stepped on a Lego. You are a fat bitch animal control officer.

ADAM LEVINE TYPES (Burbank, CA)

Date: 2012-07-02, 12:56PM PDT
Reply to: mwpqt-3086165✧✧✧@g✧✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

ADAM LEVINE types needed! If you look like Adam Levine, can sing like Adam Levine, or are a straight up rock n roll dude, submit now for hottest dating show on TV!

This is only a one day shoot, easiest gig ever. We pay you $150, plus provide car service, food, and alcohol all day. Get paid to party like a rock star in a mansion. Audition now - space is limited!

Straight, single men, ages 25-35.

Email several photos, no sunglasses, teeth must be showing in at least one. Provide cell # and best time to call. FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS :)

Location: Burbank, CA
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $150
PostingID: 3086165138

Kind of a legit ad, imagining really some parody video or something where they need someone who looks like that guy. "can sing like Adam Levine, or are a straight up rock n roll dude" is pretty good though.

http://austin.craigslist.org/roo/3101120915.html

austin craigslist > housing > rooms & shares

$420 420 Alien Chillspot (map)

Date: 2012-06-25, 6:45PM CDT

Reply to: 5rpqk-3101120✧✧✧@h✧✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Dopest chill spot in the ATX lookin for a new homie!!! MUST BE 420 FRIENDLY! House is 4 bedroom. Its me (Tre, cool hombre, mid-twenties, glass blower/dijiridoo expert), Leaf (badd ass chick from Kali, works there during season and chillzzz rest of the year, dreads) and our dog Graffix (irie like Jah) and our kat Jah (also irie). One of the bedrooms u r not allowed to go in EVER!!! Do not ask, pleese.
U should be chill, liad back, e-z going, open minded, relax, drama free, 420 friendly, and down with mellow vibes. We usually kick it pretty chill at the house but sometimes we like to have a few heads over for hash seshes with the "other roomie," Herbie (hes a 4ft bizzzzzzong!) and watch psy-trance videos. House also has a sick backyard for hackey sack, hula hooping, throwing rocks, spinning poi (Leaf and I both spin fire yo!) or just chillaxin' in the hammock.
Hit us up if u think ud be down with are vibes. Big plus if u know about crop circles/UFOs/greys/unexplaind phenommenon. Leaf and I both beleeve, hope u do 2! If you come see the house, pls match a bowl so we can puff a nug.

PS Rent is $445 but other number was more chill for post

First at Elizabeth (google map) (yahoo map)

cats are OK - purrr
dogs are OK - wooof
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3101120915

http://images.craigslist.org/5Nf5Ma5Jd3K83L73Mec6p2e52474513f519a0.jpg

Translation: "Hi, we're undercover cops! We gotta arrest someone, anyone this year or we're going to get written up (again) for spending most of the budget on cat food and psy-trance videos."

wow, that is one of the best things i've ever read.

our dog Graffix (irie like Jah) and our kat Jah (also irie).

The original post had two extra attached photos(for completions sake or something):

http://images.craigslist.org/5Id5U65Jf3E53m23Idc6p7579560752b21809.jpg

http://images.craigslist.org/5K55H65S53E83Ga3Mac6p721204a589091ff0.jpg

There's something that so purely says "sophomore year dorm posters" about this that it's almost perfect.

I can't believe people still have "Take me to yout dealer" posters in the year 2012.

Herbie (hes a 4ft bizzzzzzong!)

throwing rocks doesn't sound v chill to me

that image has no expiration date

Hard to pick a favorite line, but:

One of the bedrooms u r not allowed to go in EVER!!! Do not ask, pleese.

http://www.dreadcentral.com/img/news/may08/dlitbb.jpg

http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/dmg/3135241814.html

Translation: "Hi, we're undercover cops! We gotta arrest someone, anyone this year or we're going to get written up (again) for spending most of the budget on cat food and psy-trance videos."

http://filmfodder.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/paul-movie-photo-08.jpg

caught!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/3162948350.html

To The Girls of Echo Park - m4w (El Ay)

Date: 2012-07-25, 3:02PM PDT
Reply to: bgv93-3162948✧✧✧@p✧✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧

I used to have crushes on arty girls, like those that are in abundance in Silverlake and Echo Park. Those girls with their slender, tomboyish figures. Until realizing that this subgroup I refer to as "indie kids" are not like the people I met in college at all. It is painful to sit in a coffeeshop and listen to these sorts of people as they continually spout out cliche hipster nonsense that they seem to think is intellectual thought, but isn't. It's like the entire generation that these late-20s, early-30s come from are completely emotionally detached, intellectually stunted, and politically and socially disengaged -- but they somehow remain completely self-absorbed. I mean, self-absorption was once solely the domain of the intellectual and artistic elite -- Einstein and Picasso, for instance -- but has now filtered down to those who don't even have a reason to be self-absorbed. Hell, with the seeming nonexistence of rational thought, pragmatism, emotional maturity, or any sense of the world outside, I'm not even convinced there is a self to be absorbed in.

After seeing places in this world where people live in tin shacks with no electricity or running water and literally eat the sun-baked gravel for survival of the barest degree, I find the lifestyle and values of this group of people reprehensible. And the fact that there are so many publications and facets of the media -- like the LA Weekly, for instance -- that seem to not only cater to this subgroup, but lionize and proselytize about the shitty music and faux-art that they produce must be sure sign of the impending downfall of the U.S., if not the Western world as a whole.

We here have been given everything, there is no excuse for ignorance and apathy. None. Take your shitty music with no balls, your mumblecore films and sub-Warhol pop art bullshit and go back to Oregon, Washington or Minnesota. And tell your hipster douche bag boyfriends to buy a razor, a comb, and some pants that didn't come off the girl's rack - you fucktards. I'll be laughing my ass off when you're working in the mines for your Chinese overlords. Thanks for pissing an entire generation away.

ps i'm wanking as i write this

wow, that really swerves off in a different direction than I expected from the opening line.

^^^ this, totally! And lol at Minnesota being some kind of hipster hotbed to be banished to.

idk, minneapolis, mang

Are you going to be protesting at the Ecuadorian embassy alone?

Well what a coincidence, so am I.

I'm heading there friday evening and staying overnight the whole weekend leading up to Assange's statement on Sunday at 2pm. I don't have any camping equipment so my plan right now is to sleep on the pavement, but if you want to share what you have, I'll be infinitely grateful.

I'm just thinking this would be a great opportunity to get to know a like-minded person of the opposite sex and since I've just moved into London I don't know many people here yet so it'd be nice to meet you this weekend.

Your pic gets mine.

I can't even...

I refuse to believe there are any women in the world so short on sexual options that they would consider a meeting a trustafarian Julian Assange supporter off a casual sex website.

.. send a pic fast enough?

(xpost)

It took me about 20 minutes to realise that ad was not "Are you a female Assange fan? I am too (both female and an Assange fan)" which reduced the creepiness level quite a lot, and in fact would be quite understandable (not wanting to be alone in a protest full of rape culture supporters) - but initially didn't notice and then was deeply perplexed by the "opposite sex" bit at the end.

Like "I am a woman and would like a woman to go with so I'm not alone" is unfortunately a reasonable request. :-(

Not even unfortunate, it's totally reasonable.

As opposed to "you hate rape? Hey, so do I. Let's hookup.."

Are there anti-Assange protestors outside the Ecaudorian embassy as well? Because otherwise that would be a very strange place for such a meeting.

It's unfortunate that women would feel uncomfortable going to a protest unaccompanied.

It's unfortunate that a bunch of Assange fanboys seem to be turning protesting spaces into "get out of rape free zones" but this is the kind of thing I don't feel comfortable discussing on the internet.