― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:21 (twenty years ago) link
"And now Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched the guy steal his bike wheel" [spoken by Scott]
[Bruce enters, bike lowered from above] Well, you knew it wasn't his wheel! What did you think? He was coming back for the rest of his bike later? Well, why didn't you do something? Why didn't you say something? You human piece of apathy! Why didn't you say, "Hey! That's not your wheel! That could be Bruce McCulloch's wheel! We love him! And he loved that wheel!" Just eatin' brunch. Well, didn't you think I needed it? I did! Well, look at that! Feast on that act of violence! Good work, Einstein! Pus!
"That was Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched while the guy stole his bike wheel." [spoken by Scott]
[Bumper video of Bruce walking his incomplete bike.]
Dear Guy I Clotheslined As You Went By on Your Bicycle.You don't know me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone. Now I've asked myself over and over why did I clothesline that guy. Perhaps I watched too much slapstick as a kid and expected you to get up after being violently assaulted. Imagine my confusion when you did not. Although not so confused that I'd actually hang around.
In all fairness, It was pretty funny, I mean the last thing you'd expect as you were riding merrily by on your bike is that someone you didn't know at all would stick out his arm and crush your throat.
I mean, you really should have seen it, It was just like WAM! BAM! (hahaha)
ANY-WAY....
In closing, as you lay there convalescing in your hospital be, I'm forced to wonder 'What were you doing riding your bike on the sidewalk anyway, Huh, ya asshole? side-WALK!
Maybe sometimes we bring heartache upon ourselves.
Signed, the guy that collapsed your trachea.
― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:21 (twenty years ago) link
― metfigga (metfigga), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:22 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:24 (twenty years ago) link
― lauren (laurenp), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:24 (twenty years ago) link
― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:25 (twenty years ago) link
― mandee, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:26 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:26 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:28 (twenty years ago) link
― latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:29 (twenty years ago) link
"See Bobby, pretty soon we'll all be listening to Jazz!"
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:29 (twenty years ago) link
― mandee, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:30 (twenty years ago) link
― latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:31 (twenty years ago) link
― andrew m. (andrewmorgan), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:32 (twenty years ago) link
― latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:34 (twenty years ago) link
― andrew m. (andrewmorgan), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:34 (twenty years ago) link
― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:35 (twenty years ago) link
― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:35 (twenty years ago) link
When he's a big brother and the kid tells him he got a girl pregnant.
When he's flashing back to playing games with his mom.
When he's hosting his painting show:
Now if you remember all great paintings have an element of tragedy to them. Uh for instance if you remember from *last* week, the unicorn was stuck on the aircraft carrier and couldn't get off. That was very sad. Uh and this week some of you wrote in with your suggestions. In fact Mrs. Trabinsky of Paulvale Street wrote in and suggested we give this lover [points to man in painting] a tumor in his head. So, let's begin! Now colour is especially important with a tumor. You want some red [uses brush to take some red paint and moves it to a different part of the palette], and you want some green [takes green paint on brush and mixes it with the red], and you want a little bit of blue [takes blue paint and mixes it with the others] to make it out-- There. Can you see that? That's a really nice colour for a tumor isn't it? Alright. Now, let's work with the colour we've created and add the tumor. [paints tumor on top of the head of the man] Now the thing is we don't want the tumor too big, we don't want to [points to mountains] steal focus from the mountains, okay? And what we'll do is we'll reflect the tumor in the water, down here, but we work again with the colour we've created, [paints tumor on man's reflection] we just sort of imply it because we don't want to wind up screaming, "Hey everyone look! There's a reflection of a tumor in the lake!" It's not what we want. [looking at painting] Well this is uh... quite a sad painting now I think. Perhaps this is the last time our lovers will be here together. I don't think this one will be around the next time ss-the snows settle on the gentle slopes of Mount Schwarzkopf [pointing with brush to mountain] up here.
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:36 (twenty years ago) link
the weird thing is I'm blanking on my favorite skit.
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:37 (twenty years ago) link
― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:38 (twenty years ago) link
― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:38 (twenty years ago) link
― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:38 (twenty years ago) link
― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:39 (twenty years ago) link
― A Nairn (moretap), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:40 (twenty years ago) link
― metfigga (metfigga), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:42 (twenty years ago) link
I say, "Well, I really hate Jazz."
They say, "What do you hate about poor old Jazz?"
I say, "The sound. The sound that Jazz instruments make when they're being manipulated by Jazz players to the delight of Jazz respondents. I think of it as musical barf."
They say, "I don't think you've given Jazz a chance."
Well, I maintain, I haven't given suicide a chance, but. . .Well, I did give suicide a chance, but that was only because I was threatened with Jazz. You know. Jazz music.
One thing I hate--One thing I hate is being woken up in the middle of the night, when I'm dreaming about, say, promiscuity with dignity [Man off camera "All right."], by a rap-tap-tappin' on my window by those guys with goatee things on their faces, saying, "Hey. Can we come in? Beano's clarinet's gettin' wet." And then they go into this sorta Gene Krupa trance. Jazz schmazz. I'm sorry; I've got to go that far. Jazz schmazz.
You know what? I'd like to declare this a Jazz-free zone, about forty miles as far as the Jazz-hatin' crow flies in any direction. Just paradise. Those guys would go to work, and it wouldn't be there.
I'm gonna ask a question. What sort of music do you think there is in hell? You know, H-E-double hockey sticks? Well, I think it's probably hateful, free-form Jazz. And in heaven? Country and Western music. The choice is pretty obvious. It's not Jazz. It's not bop-a-dop bop-be-bop-bo Jazz. [to flutist:] What's that? A recorder or something? I'm not into it. Fuzz pedal, that's what I'm into. You know?
― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:46 (twenty years ago) link
I really liked the one where Foley and McDonald are the French trappers hunting Yuppies for their suits in downtown Toronto. The site of them canoeing down the hall of the office building past cubicles was great.
― earlnash, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 23:00 (twenty years ago) link
― earlnash, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 23:01 (twenty years ago) link
― Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 23:03 (twenty years ago) link
― latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 23:04 (twenty years ago) link
also:
"you know for a straight man you sure know a lot about faggotry..."
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 23:44 (twenty years ago) link
and
"What time is it?""It's ten till four.""No. The time is now."
― Vinnie (vprabhu), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 23:55 (twenty years ago) link
― Prude (Prude), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:00 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:00 (twenty years ago) link
― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:09 (twenty years ago) link
― Verbal (Verbal), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 01:16 (twenty years ago) link
Also, does anyone remember which one had the flashback of the dad firing hockey pucks at his kid?
― ModJ (ModJ), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 01:18 (twenty years ago) link
2) "I had the pear dream again."
"We are lost..."
3) "I've got a score to settle with a kabob!"
4) "I'm just going to step out this window and see if I can't fly or whatever...."
5) the one where Kevin McDonald is new at the office and Dave Foley plays the psycho who keeps telling the boss things like Kevin pees himself, he's a satanist, etc., but they actually help Kevin with the new job.
6) I like that random one where it's that old guy walking down the street in a leisure suit accompanied by some tune, acting all cool and suave
7) Bruce as the wig shop owner! "Why would I know anything about a wig?!"
8) Running faggot!
9) God is dead!
10) Cyril the Escape Artist
jeez, it's a gold mine on that show.
― Gear! (Gear!), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 01:23 (twenty years ago) link
― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 01:26 (twenty years ago) link
Dave: MadTV (November 25, 1995)
Dave: Hi. Uhh, yeah, I'm Dave Foley, and I just wanted to talk to you, not just as a middle-rung celebrity, but also as a Canadian who has recently moved to your country.
Now I've been surprised to find how little Americans seem to know about Canada. Now granted, there are many similarities between our two nations but there are also many subtle differences that give us our unique Canadian identity. For example, in Canada everyone hates Barbara Streisand. But here she seems to be quite popular.
And there are other differences too. I mean, we don't have states; we have provinces. Umm, we use the metric system. Canadians and Americans both love football, but in Canada the game is played slightly differently. The field is a different size for one thing, The CFL field is 17 miles long and 6 feet wide. So understandably, games are a little longer. In fact, the 1949 Gray Cup game is still in progress.
Many Americans believe that our national anthem is "Oh Canada" simply because we enjoy singing it before hockey games. But in fact, our anthem is "The Night Chicago Died" by Paper Lace.
Our systems of government differ somewhat in that America is a Republic with a President, a Congress, and a Senate. In Canada we are ruled by a small boy with supernatural powers... of whom we are all very fond.
Now in the U.S. when a mommy and daddy love each other, they perform bipolar sexual intercourse and make a baby. Canadians, however, are a breed of hermaphrodites who reproduce by means of auto-insemination, thus eliminating the need for sex. This also explains why we don't really have a film industry.
And of course, how can we discuss Canada without discussing the weather. Yes, it is cold in Canada. It is very, very cold, are ya HAPPY now?? Yes, the average year-round temperature is 275 degrees below zero, but that is CELCIUS. Now can we talk about something else??
Like for example, the fact that our atmosphere is pure sulpher dioxide which is, of course, incapable of sustaining life, LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT. Or the fact that we only have gravity for 6 hours out of each day and spend the rest of our time desparately clinging to trees to avoid being spun into the endless abyss of space.
Yes, all this is true, but at least we have universal health care.
Thank you for your time.
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 01:27 (twenty years ago) link
― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:09 (twenty years ago) link
― stockholm cindy (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:10 (twenty years ago) link
― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:30 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:33 (twenty years ago) link
― lauren (laurenp), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:39 (twenty years ago) link
― mandee, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:42 (twenty years ago) link
― lauren (laurenp), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:45 (twenty years ago) link
― mandee, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 02:59 (twenty years ago) link
― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 03:00 (twenty years ago) link
A family court conservatives maybe?
― frederik b. godt (jim in vancouver), Thursday, 5 March 2020 23:01 (four years ago) link
That's basically what I remember and I will admit that I just don't ever believe celebrities/rich guys who hate their ex-wives and have those sob stories.
― Greta Van Show Feets BB (milo z), Thursday, 5 March 2020 23:01 (four years ago) link
Alimony based on how much he was making as the star of newsradio. When his career wasn’t at such heights he tried to adjust it but was denied and now can’t go back to Canada or something. I saw he had a special streaming a few years back and tried to watch it and it was terrible and depressing. Mostly telling the story of that situation and complaining about his ex. I don’t remember it even being funny. This is the guy who would do the most amazing monologues, just smart and surreal and hilarious. It was depressing. I always loved that about them. All the bits where it’s just one of them standing there. I’m a bad doctor. Fuck my Bank. Buddy. The one where mark is sitting there losing the feeling in his leg because he stubbed his toe and don’t treat it.
― dan selzer, Friday, 6 March 2020 01:35 (four years ago) link
i don't know why but out of the millions of kith sketches i've watched the one line that repeats in my head unwarranted multiple times a day is scott thompson's i'm not roy orbison! i work in colorization, but i don't agree with it
― ✖, Friday, 3 December 2021 01:31 (two years ago) link
I have the "shortest tubes in north york (and they don't even know)" pop in my head every time I see some pathetic misogynist on Twitter, which is invariably
― Enjoy the brighter sounds of Analog on CD (stevie), Friday, 3 December 2021 09:55 (two years ago) link
"Your Honor... I am not an experienced cannibal."
― made entirely of styrofoam (GOTT PUNCH II HAWKWINDZ), Thursday, 9 December 2021 07:04 (two years ago) link
KITH is (mostly) up on Amazon and I've been rewatching the available seasons. Watching it on Prime via Roku, it is extremely confusingly set up (some seasons are free, some require an AMC+ sub, some are pay-per-episode and some are all three) btw.
― made entirely of styrofoam (GOTT PUNCH II HAWKWINDZ), Thursday, 9 December 2021 07:06 (two years ago) link
F**kin'good ham.
― ringworm, Thursday, 9 December 2021 19:41 (two years ago) link
Fine ham abounds, mum.
― Millsner, Friday, 10 December 2021 02:52 (two years ago) link
And they taught a dog to smoke!
― war mice (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 10 December 2021 04:23 (two years ago) link
It's not the funniest thing they ever did but I really appreciate how thorough they were with the Feelyat! sketch, right down to the audience of extremely pale European people with East German looking glasses.
― made entirely of styrofoam (GOTT PUNCH II HAWKWINDZ), Tuesday, 14 December 2021 06:33 (two years ago) link
Also good use of Darryl, a character whose value was almost completely gone at that point.
― made entirely of styrofoam (GOTT PUNCH II HAWKWINDZ), Tuesday, 14 December 2021 06:34 (two years ago) link
Woah, even the Eradicator's coming backhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zm2rAjmH_JQ
― politics is about vibes and the vibes are off (stevie), Sunday, 8 May 2022 13:20 (one year ago) link
So often in circumstances like this going back to the well with all the same old characters can be lame, but with all these KITH characters it almost adds an extra layer of funny, seeing all these sad weirdos like the head crusher and the eradicator still doing the same shit 30 years later as old men. Really excited for this.
― nobody like my rap (One Eye Open), Sunday, 8 May 2022 17:48 (one year ago) link
Death Comes to Town was very underrated. And on their recent tours they still have good new material.
― DAMAGED by Black Flat (Boring, Maryland), Sunday, 8 May 2022 17:54 (one year ago) link
pic.twitter.com/BopQWbAbbN— kids in the hall no context (@KITHnocontext) December 2, 2022
― Camaraderie at Arms Length, Saturday, 3 December 2022 10:31 (one year ago) link
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FkmUP1lX0AItPrz?format=jpg&name=small
― mookieproof, Sunday, 25 December 2022 05:25 (one year ago) link