Craigslist hilarity

What he's going to get is: 1) Women who think they can change him and/or 2) Women with serious mental and emotional problems.

so... manic pixie dream girls.

Posted at the request/behest of Get Bent:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/2111720687.html

Free Cello
Date: 2010-12-13, 7:32PM PST

So my sister gave me this cello a couple years ago. It's a nice cello. Actually, it's a great cello. It's probably the best cello, but I don't really know much about cellos. Also the neck snapped off. Of the cello. So it's really more like 3/4's of a cello, but the other 1/4's still there, it's just not attached. It's kind of like you're getting two cellos, only one of them doesn't have a body and the other doesn't have a neck. But if you stand them up next to each other it's like old times. You could probably fix it with like some music glue or something like that.

She also gave me a cello bag that I can give to you too, now that I won't have a cello. It's a really nice cello bag. You can fit everything in it. Actually, there might even be a bow in the bag, I'm not sure. I don't want you to think that there's 100% a bow in the bag. It's way over there, I can't check right now. But if it's in there it's yours.

If you're like me and you don't know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. It's hollow and there are two S's on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it's filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. Ooh, in the cello bag. It'd be like a cello purse. I'd do it but I'm moving across the country and it won't fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah.

Please come get it. I'm in Echo Park. I'd actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we're going is a cool place. Like the desert or something.

I'm 90% certain the bow's in there.

Location: Echo Park
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Neil Diamond sweaters!

MUSIC GLUE :D

rod stewart imp/impress sks tribute band/acoustic duo/solo gigs (palmyra)
Date: 2012-03-30, 10:55PM EDT
Reply to: rcqtp-2931912✧✧✧@c✧✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Hello,my name is Greg Scott. I live in Palmyra now; just moved here from Mobile,AL,but I`m originally from the Boston area. I have been a semi-professional Rod Stewart impersonator/impressionist for about 15 years. I am 48 yo. I call my tribute -BIG ROD.I am a large sized man so the name is very apt. My desire is to form a Rod Stewart tribute band or a duet with an acoustic guitarist, with other singers/musicians,or at least hire out myself as a one man show for hire,any occasion. I have ok 12 yo club speakers,stands,wireless mike and stand and amp and mixer,again none of it spectacular but good enough for a gig. I have all my music on a computer in Real Player and i have CDGs and some burned cd-roms. I am also willing to just get together to jam as a hobbyhorse,etc in lieu of gigs.. As for my act right now i do one-man shows with karaoke background music when i do have a rare gig. I only performed once in mobile at the Crooked Martini last year,a week before St. Patrick`s day. When i lived in Lancaster a few years back; I did a gig downtown on Queen st, for the Friday arts thing they had. The vast majority of all my past gigs have been in Mass. I have also won numerous karaoke contests over the years as well. I am always available for any occasion. I know over 70 Rod Stewart songs and can learn more. I perform,of course, the songs which are available on karaoke. My set list is anything from maggie may to his latest Songbook album. With a band or another musician,there are obviously many more songs that I will do such as songs he has not recorded but has performed as well as classic soul/rock covers in his style that fit his voice. I can sing many songs in an evening and have lots of energy and passion in my performances. I can move pretty good as well. I stay in character in my shows using a Stewart like voice and sense of humour. I use a long blonde wig and black viny like pants and tall boots. My shirts are either satiny like polyesters and I have a disco mirror ball type shirt i like to wear. I have three sport coats that i wear as well. I can wear make-up but haven`t used it in years. If you are seriously interested in putting something together or if you want to hire for an evening; please email me with details. I do not have a resume/package per se but i do have some video of my past performances going back to 1998/99 and a short video from last year as well. I will post my most current business card to this ad at some future time As for me auditioning for you and/or vice- versa; I do not have a rehearsal space but we could meet at yours or at my home or yours. I usually ask people to meet me at a local karaoke venue so they can see and hear me perform. You may also call me,Greg, at 717-639-4684 8-8. Look forward to hearing from you; serious replies only. ALSO OPEN MINDED TO JOIN A COVER BAND AS A VOCALIST,FRONT MAN OR OTHERWISE. OBVIOUSLY IN THIS CASE I WOULD NOT BE DRESSED/PERFORMING AS ROD STEWART.

Crap, should've X'ed out the phone number.

Real Player

http://charleston.craigslist.org/cas/2944036554.html

Justice With A Capital JO - m4m - 48 (West Ashley)

Date: 2012-04-06, 3:46PM EDT
Reply to: sxth8-2944036✧✧✧@p✧✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧

Looking to get some studs together to re-enact an episode of Walker. Any episode. We need a black guy to play Trivette and an old guy can do some of CDs lines. I will be playing Walker (obviously) We could maybe have a girl to do Cahill's shit but that might be weird for her when we all start to jo. Like she would have nothing to do but wait until we are done and then resume scenes.Maybe a couple of guys could play bad guys or horses. Its up in the air and I just wanted to spitball and get some input. Let me know (I cannot host as my wife hates Walker)

loool

i appreciate the implication that his wife is totally ok with his group pud-pulling, it's just that she HATES walker

"Sure honey, I don't mind if you have the guys over to jack-off again tonight, as long as you don't play Walker again. Whatever happened to your CHiPs group?"

I mean, what

probably too good to be for real; still hilarious

I just want to spitball and get some input

I am still back on the implication that there was an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger with a soggy biscuit scene tbh

as long as it's not the "Walker told me I have AIDS" one it's cool

mutual group j/o is safe sex tho!

well sure, it's just be kind of a turn-off imo

I mean, unless you have a haley joel osment thing

a.. what

You have never seen the clip of him saying "Walker told me I have AIDS" from his appearance on that show? Conan O'Brien played it a few times during his Walker: Texas Ranger gag.

My life has mostly been Walker-free

that sounds hilarious tbh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGOI8-X_JWg

http://madison.craigslist.org/web/2903924508.html

Ah, the problems people face today!

Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? - w4m - 28 (Aragon Ballroom)
Date: 2012-04-09, 3:41PM CDT
Reply to: c9kpp-2948959✧✧✧@p✧✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let raw dog it in the stall.
You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.

Anyway I'm pregnant. It's yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child's life.

.....................

what a way to come into this world

I hope she names the baby Raw Dog

i guess we should all be thankful that craigslist deletes those posts after awhile because, omg, could you imagine being a teenager and seeing that and doing some math? horrifying.

maybe if you're a big teenage megadeth fan you'd just be pissed your mom stepped away from the concert

lool

Could imagine being a teenager, seeing that and doing some meth, tbh.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/sno/cto/2977737272.html

Haha, I Best of Craigslist-ed it.

This posting has been flagged for removal.

Oran Juice Jones"Live" (models needed) (Universal City Plaza)

Date: 2012-05-14, 6:35PM PDT
Reply to: raynard✧✧✧@gm✧✧✧.c✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

I need 4 beautiful out going models to accompany the Legendary Oran Juice Jones on stage May 19 at The Gibson Amphitheatre. email me with 3 pictures and bio for more details. Serious inquiries only !!!

in case you didn't know:

http://youtu.be/9dZW1C3neao

Location: Universal City Plaza
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay
PostingID: 3015915665

Voice Over Actor for German Erotic stories (Anywhere)

Date: 2012-06-06, 1:39PM PDT
Reply to: mmxns-3061599✧✧✧@j✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am an English speaking erotica writer and I'm looking for both male and female book narrators to voice and produce the German versions of my erotica audiobooks. I am only looking for native Germans or those that speak German without an accent. The first that I would like to record is this one: http://www.amazon.de/Dunkles-Verlangen-heimlichen-Vorlieben-ebook/dp/B007SPGL44/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1336276174&sr=8-7

It shouldn't take you more than 10 hours to record and produce and I'm paying $120. If it sells, I can offer you many more books.

Please contact me for a script to record as an audition.
Location: Anywhere
Compensation: $120
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 3061599554

that's a find.

Lowball offer tho

I guess if I was a German speaker and desperate, making $120 in one day wouldn't sound SO terrible, depending how bad the book is (probably very bad, at least good for lolz later?) and how awful the person was to work with (probably very awful).

no one with any sense is going to talk for ten hours straight in one day

there's this guy I sit next to at work

oh 'any sense', right

hahah

"The thought of their ebony skin and dark cocks dominated her sex fantasies. As soon as she imagined her own white skin touching dark skin, her pussy began to throb"

-- werner herzog?

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/muc/3036860974.html

Real Rock Drummer for NON-pussy band (L.A.)

Date: 2012-05-25, 12:28AM PDT
Reply to: wfqrc-3036860✧✧✧@c✧✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

I do NOT play to a click track or backing tracks and GO SCREW if you think I'm gonna "tone it down a little, bro" so you can piddle away on your stringed sissy box. I WILL NOT play hotel cafe and don't take direction from ninnies who live in their fucking parents basement and whack off to dreams of hanging with Jack Johnson and rapping about his "process", you piece of shit. I am a real mother fucker with balls of steel and have a drumset that loves to be ass fucked mercilessly from behind and I need to join a band who understands that stage-sex is part of the fucking game, dude. So when I'm fucking the shit outta the kit, you can't be the guy in the corner beating your limp, taffy dick wishing that you could stick your dick in too, NO! You get that dick hard and fuck the stage with me, pussy boy. I'm so sick of stealing the show and would really love to meet some real sons of fucking bitches who aren't afraid to use a sweat band for its intended purpose: wiping off fucking sweat, cum, groupies, pussy juice, blood, etc.

Do not write me for reasons of sass because I will FIND YOU and shred your fucking face with my SHIT-STORMING DRUM GODLINESS!

http://images.craigslist.org/5I75He5Mf3Kc3J93N5c5pe441add8412b1d4a.jpg

Dude is in a wig. Right?