Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

what effect will the answer have on your lifestyle during these weeks

depending on the status i will either
1) make out with other people, or
2) not make out with other people.

this seems to confirm it is at an early stage, where answers are not yet necessary and questions are too soon

why is the being away for 3 weeks relevant? would the possible answers to the question be the same even if they were not away for 3 weeks?

or rather...

what effect will the answer have on your lifestyle before and after those weeks

post you make it sound like all new relationships reach an "obvious" point where without anyone stating it explicitly you know its exclusive.

I've had more than one experience with assuming that to be the case and it turning out not to be, so it doesnt work that way.

As in I mean Ive been with someone i saw almost daily, for months, then after many months got a very suprised "oh this isnt an actual RELATIONSHIP, wtf!?"

I never ask these kinds of questions, prefer not to worry about this kind of thing too much. If it 'feels' exlcusive then I guess it feels right for me to be exclusive, if it turns out not to be doesn't really matter because I was doing what feels right

I don't really like labeling things tho or thinking about definitions too much though

I mean I know I'm sorta writing a bit like a robot on this thread but in actual life I prefer just to go on instinct - horses for courses - but it seems to work out best that way if i trust them, for me at least

In my experience, "I prefer just to go on instinct" is guy speak for "I have appalling communications skills, I expect my partner to know my needs by ESP, and I will just assume that I know my partner's needs by similar methods, and project if necessary."

It also tends to have a side order of "My needs always have primacy (and even thinking that my partner might have needs of their own makes me uncomfortable.)"

I would feel uncomfortable being in an exclusive relationship, with someone whose communication skills are so poor that they cannot even have a conversation about whether a relationship is exclusive or not. Because poor communications impact other places outside the bedroom. Assuming that one knows what one's partner wants, without discussing it with them, is just a real red flag for me.

I'd say, BG, don't bring up the question unless you are absolutely certain that *you* want an exclusive relationship. Because there's no way to un-have the conversation. If you are still experiencing the desire to make out with other people, are you so certain you want to exclusify the relationship? Or are you worried your partner will get hurt if they find out that you made out with others while they were away? (Or just worried that they may be doing the same thing?) These are legitimate worries, but one needs to work out what the worry is, before asking a question to assuage it.

WCC brings up good counterpoints, I definitely think its about finding out what is right for you and what approach is right for you, as there is no objective correct approach

I think I mostly have good communication skills, and have no problem in discussing a situation, relationship or thing at all. I have no problem in discussing the other person's needs or questions, and if the other person wants to discuss if something is exclusive or not, I'm totally happy to have that discussion. But I don't require that validation for myself, ie I don't PERSONALLY need to ask that question or have the question answered. The trusting in instinct refers to my own feelings about a particular situation (and in this particular scenario BG is asking the question for their own needs, not the other persons needs - if this was a question about BG's other persons needs then I would have answered this question differently)

I'd say, BG, don't bring up the question unless you are absolutely certain that *you* want an exclusive relationship. Because there's no way to un-have the conversation

ie I'm pretty much agreeing with WCC here because this is actually about BG and not the other person, and asking this question is kind of putting the other person on the spot, when you yourself don't actually know the answer to the question, or what answer you want. This is why I don't like this question, and this is why I think the question is too early, and putting pressure on the other person

I never ask about exclusiveness, or for that matter, even explicitly demand it from my partner.

well, i'm just thinking of the possible outcomes of just making assumptions. there is a 50% chance that we would both make the same assumption, and that would be fine. but the 50% chance that we don't make the same assumption is where there is potential for getting hurt. i am fine with this being exclusive (i don't feel like i really need to be with anyone else right now) but if they want to not be exclusive then i'll go out with other people. if i'm cloistering myself and find out he is sleeping around, i'd be pissed, but if i'm sleeping around too, i'd be less pissed. and vice versa i'm sure. but i don't want to take not having the conversation yet as a mandate to go make out with other peeople.

of course i chickened out last night and didn't bring it up, though.

I told a friend of my frustration over writing a dating profile and she told me that Livingsocial recently ran a special on profile ghostwriters and she's encouraging me to use one.

It seems like a good idea but also weird and not genuine. But more like a solution to an overwhelming task.

Depending on price, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna hire a ghostwriter!

Ghostwriter!

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wASiu_X4a5A/Tu7fL2o5UOI/AAAAAAAAAMI/wSwsO9xjxE0/s1600/ghost+writer+tv+show.jpg

iirc, one of these teens will write the profile for you

can't decide if getting a ghostwriter for your dating profile wd be the better synopsis for a romantic comedy or a horror movie

This just brought back the weirdest memory!

I had to ghostwrite someone's dating profile once! He had hired me to help him with his pronunciation, and I would meet him at work and we would basically just talk for an hour. I tried to give him some assignments, but he kept not doing them and changing the subject when I tried to talk about the book I asked him to read.

Then he showed me his dating profile and asked me to "give him advice" about it, and I did. Why not, he needed some help. Then things got a little weird when he took me to the car dealership on their free car wash day and asked me to just sit in the waiting room with him, so people could see that he was with a woman. Our professional relationship ended shortly after that.

tbf, if I was trying to do the bait-and-switch to make other ladies feel like they should compete to have me, you would definitely make the list

"You're going to have to work extra hard, ladies. I'm dating at this level."

ha, i do make a good emergency wedding date even though no one has ever taken me up on this offer.

bene_, in your shoes I would probably seize a comfortable moment to say something like "hey, while you're gone, I'm gonna, like ... not make out with other people, you know?" and see if his eyes look like the eyes of someone who is being suddenly imposed upon.

"You're going to have to work extra hard, ladies. I'm dating at this level."

<3 <3

xpost
yeah, I was going to say something similar earlier. Or you could casually mention that you were going to disable your okc profile tonight, or something like that.

Jackie: So, Steven, when I go to Marquette with Donna this weekend, there'll be lots of cute boys around.
Hyde: Lucky you.
Jackie: Well, unlucky them, because I won't let them kiss me. Yeah, that's my promise to you. (Hyde gives her a blank stare.) Now, I'm not saying you have to promise me anything, but if you want to, now would be a good time. (Hyde continues his blank stare.) Okay, well just know…that I won't be kissing anyone.
Hyde: Good to know.
Jackie: Good to know? Well, that's it?
Hyde: Did I stutter?

Who's the lucky fellah, bg?

In Gilmore Girls, Lane tries to teach Rory how to have "the talk":

"We've been dating a few weeks no. Where do we stand? What are we to each other? If another girl asks you out do you feel free to go?"

Of course Dean was so infatuated with Rory that the talk wasn't necessary.

it's the person i metioned awhile back, who i had exchanged 50 okc messages with before our first date thing. i'm feeling less and less inclined to initiate this conversation but i feel like it would be wrong to do something without saying something!

I haz a date on Sunday. Third time some kind of charm? God I hope so.

Just for some kind of sparks, excitement, mashing, anything the slightest bit exciting.

hey bg, i don't think you should feel like you have any obligation to not do anything, if nothing's been explicitly stated on either end.

laurel, 3rd okc date or third date w/same person?

3rd person! I know it's not much considering how many dates you have to go on to meet an interesting and compatible stranger, but they're just happening so slooooowly....

Bg, do you have a definite prospect? He seems to like electronic communication...maybe you could initiate the convo by text.

Good luck Sunday, laurel.

Nerves!

did the gang go away, at least?

Yeah. Am beginning to reconsider the wisdom of hanging out with them 3 nights in a row, though.

have realized i should probably deactivate this while unemployed as i can't really afford to be dating atm

though that didn't stop me from going out with this one p badass girl friday night who, i suspect, might be a good new friend. also nice student who i've been activisty with for the last 6 months is now single and seems interested in spending some non-activisty time with me, so there's that.

Well, so, that happened.

uh oh?

No! Actually I think it was shockingly normal for a date! I'm a little surprised by "normal" at this point, maybe? He is v v pretty btw.

btw guys i had a breakthrough tonight, i realized i am only attracted to lesbians, it all makes sense

lol when I see "that happened" I jump to assuming that it's an admission that more happened than was expected

There might have been some unrepentant smooching in full view of a bar half-full of people. Which actually IS more than I expected.

whee!

Excellent, I thought my nuance detector was not working this fine Monday morning but I see it is calibrated after all

Oh you.

btw guys i had a breakthrough tonight, i realized i am only attracted to lesbians, it all makes sense
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Monday, March 19, 2012 8:44 AM (5 hours ago)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGMr6kCWau4

Just messaged me to inform me I am radiant despite "tipping towards 50"

>:[

GUY just messaged me that should say.