Does the entire Innocent Smoothies aesthetic strike you as deeply fucking irritating?

or just claim my name is 'latte'

'yeah uh my name is actually latte (pause) VAGINA, like that. you say latte and then you pause and yell vagina'

"my name is Costa"

"ipher gott"

Oh FFS. I don't want you to know my name, prickfeatures. In fact, this was the reason before I never went into the Gloria Jean's coffee shops, way before I found out they were run by evangelicals. So yeah, Starbucks, well done, now you sound like a bunch of rabid right-wing over-friendly glassy-eyed cult members.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/02/24/article-2105882-11DDEE4C000005DC-701_468x711.jpg

http://www.innocentdrinks.co.uk/static/olympics/images/olympics_juice_label1.jpg

ffs

is there a US brand that pulls this kind of stuff?

said it in the thread I think but fuck the assholes who write copy for Groupon gave me a p similar vibe

Kind of related...

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/new-festival-aimed-directly-at-twats-201203285064/

i like the Daily Mash because it demonstrates exactly how good The Onion's writing is

"Tasty Little Numbers" - food for people who can't and won't count!

Packaging for a chocolate bar includes
"I NEED DARK CHOCOLATE NOW!
"the snacks that take the messin' outta guessin'!"

"If you are super busy, love life and real food (like me!), want to enjoy a healthy lifestyle but think that life is too short to eat diet food and tot up odd numbers of calories (like me!), then Tasty Little Numbers is for you!

... perfectly proportioned to whole numbers of calories so you get to leave the sums to the snacks that take the messin' outta guessin'!"

It even has a "Tasty before" date.

What's annoying me most is the suggestion that odd numbers aren't whole numbers.

Dammit I demand that calories and other nutritional data are expressed in scientific notation! Or failing that, as base 7 reals with 3 decimals of precision. I'm determined not to have gone through New Math for nothing.

Since coming back to the UK I've noticed tons of branding in the supermarkets which has gone all cutesy. I don't know if it's just a contrast with US brands or if they've actually gotten worse but they're all using childish non-threatening fonts and writing all kinds of shit over the front of the packaging (e.g. instead of 'Doughnuts' it says 'I'm a DOUGHNUT monster!'). I blame Innocent.

I imagine BrewDog would see themselves as the complete opposite of this kind of thing, but a lot of their cobblers is surprisingly similar:

"Bracken is James' Dad's chocolate lab. He recently appeared on Mastermind and progressed to the semi final with his specialist subject of 'The origins of Constitutional Democratic Government: Europe 1846-1912'. Unfortunately he missed the semi-final because he was busy chasing a stick.

He is our guard dog, head taster, accountant and general buddy! Be sure to say hi if you see him. He is very friendly! Apparently he loves a high-five… and a biscuit!"

h8 the brewdog blurbs

everything about brew dog is reprehensible.

the pot noodle (i know) im currently eating: "Quality: if it's in perfect condition, happy days, if not, have a moan at the customer care department. And don't forget to quote the code on the pot so we know who to send back to noodle school".

KINDLY FUCK OFF.

i quite like the first sentence there, even if the second is terrible

"happy days". not on my watch.

idk it seems like it's being used sarcastically? assuming that glaswegian pot noodles all speak like malcolm tucker

"send back to noodle school" has some potential as a phrase, just not on the side of a pot noodle

Brewdog's short run taxidermy publicity stunt editions are pretty noize tbf

i don't think this kind of thing has really caught on the US yet

'Happy Days' makes me think of that awful payday-loan-hawking cricket cunt Phil Tuffnell.

My Tesco bagged salad has a skirt-wearing stick figure on the back and a Comic Sans story about some presumably imaginary lady growing their salad garden and all her brilliant ideas for growing better salads and then in bigger Comic Sans it says "we all think she's a bit of a star!"

Well, we all think you can fuck right off, Tesco marketing department.

That is all.

Apparently my "call to grubhub may be recorded to ensure awesomeness"

gah

flickr using

"Herding pandas..."

to mean "loading stuff" :(

^

yeah somewhere along the line flickr turned into the OK Cola of websites

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/404058_10151168286701204_2127498272_n.jpg

Yeesh. I look fwd to them patronising the other gold medal winners with regard to their epic "chasing people on bikes", "running really, really fast" and "shooting pigeons (not real ones!)" etc. Fuckers.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/418813_10151169993736204_265797513_n.jpg

wow the stuff they post on facebook

Letitia Jane Becher - as tempting as it would be to spend our days forging adorable letters from small children, we have better things to do with our time. Namely, finding pictures of baby duck billed platypuses to share with you on facebook, and sometimes squashing fruit into bottles, which keeps us pretty busy. Pictures of baby duck billed platypuses don't just find themselves you know, and it takes ages to get even the smallest of mangoes into a bottle.

Ugh.

this ad is tied into videos at my work, and i have to watch it a lot. god it's shit. bonus points for the ever-popular trustworthy northern narrator.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwtydLeYiDo

Andy Kershaw's probly got a lot of solicitor's fees to pay off tbf

(innocent have moved, btw. the industrial estate in W12 (W6?) where Innocent Towers used to be now has a sign on the locked gate saying 'luxury apartments coming soon')

xp I thought it was David "Bumble" Lloyd?

i dunno, i was joking. sounds too young for Bumble to me.

no, it cd be him on re-listening

shd've given the gig to Michael Holding, i wd actually buy anything he asked me to his voice is so lush

you heard it here first, vendors of financial products!

I think it is Bumble. Friend of mine was in a pub in Birmingham once where David Lloyd and Bob Dylan Willis were sitting in a pub with some young women (surely daughters or... something) at about half ten in the evening, and Bumble was being cheerful and talkative and Bob Willis was staring gloomily across the table, and then said in his unassuageably dreary tones, 'Do you fancy another, Bumble, or are you done?'. He wouldn't sell many smoothies.

Holding could sell anything for sure, but I'm slightly scarred by the memory of two comments he made during a West Indies/England Test a number of years ago now (could it have been that series where Harmison went berserk?). Anyway, the camera was panning around the all but empty stadium, and Holding's gentle warm accents gave forth the line, 'Not many people here today. Not many people at all. There wouldn't be many casualties if there was a terrorist attack here.' THEN, a bit later or the next day or something, the camera panned over to a boy sitting up a palm tree outside the ground, watching the cricket. A bucolic scene + avoiding any terrorism. Holding goes 'Lad up a tree there. Watching the cricket. Hope he's sitting safe, he could break his neck if he falls out.'

Dark places, Mikey, dark places. Still, yes, would buy a broken neck/large-scale-minimum casualty-terrorist attack off the guy.

Mike "Alan Partridge" Holding

think we need some recognition of all the dreadful animated adverts for financial products etc full of human/soft-toy hybrids in a pantheistic wonderland

there really are a lot of these

i just don't get who they're supposed to be influencing. i can't even remember who the above one is for and i've had to watch it about 100 times.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc9yKO-OCAc