vadge horror stories

i would have eaten
the vag
that was in
your panties

but when I saw
you were probably
storing
nachos in there

forgive me
I was so nauseous
so putrid
and clammy.

LYSOL DOUCHE

Dirty pillows
Are OK
If you stir
Your curds & whey
LYSOL DOUCHE

Does your lover
Gag and cough
Because you stink
Of Hasselhoff?
LYSOL DOUCHE

The Ass divides as with a Comb -
(A drooping shaft is seen) -
And then it drips down at your feet
And oozes further on -

He likes a Boggy Acre
A Floor too cool for Corn -
Yet when a Boy, and Barefoot -
I more than once at Noon
Have passed, I thought, a Catfish
Eroding in the Sun
When stooping to secure it
It scurried, and was gone -

Several of Venus' Critters
I know, and they know me -
I feel for them a transport
Of Cordiality -

Yet never met this Fellow
Attended, or alone
Without a tighter breathing
And Zero urge to Bone -
LYSOL DOUCHE

I'm 35 and I only learned how to give good head three days ago. The trick is to alternate between smacking the clitoris around and ignoring it for long stretches - like a cop breaking the spirit of a prisoner who's just killed his best mate. I learned it from a magazine article - written by a man who knew what he was talking about. Cosmopolitan has never been any bloody help.

-- colin s barrow (colinsbarro...), June 7th, 2003 8:34 PM. (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

u&k re technique finesse: has the prisoner killed the cop's best mate or his own best mate?

-- mark s (mar...), June 7th, 2003 9:07 PM. (later)

did you poo
in your smoo
how could you not knew?

Such a stink
and I think
a chink in my ardor

Scrub it out
I really doubt
I could get less harder
LYSOL DOUCHE

Okay, okay, I'm done. It's, uh, dinner time.

---

Even le douche de Lysol is more appealing
For real, HOW APPALLING IS THAT????
THE SCALDING
The itching the burning
Try Cruex
But hey, no baby.
No circulation
No orgasms
Not much of anything
But a clean clean piss
HAHAHAHAHA
"Ah! I give my urine to the world!"
"And I've never felt fresher!"
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. Your shit may stink, but your pee is free."
It'd have to be a very pink commercial
With unusual sound effects
PEEEEOOOO
Maybe an alternate model for kiddie TV shows. Two bunnies in a field.
"Mommy, do you ever have a problem, you know, PEEING FRESH?"
"Yes dear."
"What do you do?"
"What ALL the good bunnies do..."
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. If a fucking bunny can use it, WHY NOT YOU, ASSHOLE?"
10:05 PM
HAHAHAHA
I like the idea that all the fluffy commercials end with threats of death
*scene, beach
Oh my
beach *
A mother and daughter walk through the tide.
"Mom, do you ever have a problem..."
"Bitch, you keep asking me this."
"MOOOOM!"
"Here, use this."
"AUUUGH!"
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. Stop pissing off your mom, you moron."
"Serves you right, you gullible slut."
I'm dying here.
*scene, school hall *
JENNY: "Well, did you HEAR about the cheerleader?"
MUFFY: "What?"
JENNY: "She fucked the WHOLE football team."
MUFFY: "Gross!"
JENNY: "But she used Lysol Douche for the water sports!"
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. Come on, you stupid ho-bag, get with it."
ANDREA: *worried* Um, did she fuck the football team BEFORE last Thursday or after?
ALL: "Hahahahaha!" *twinkly music*
28 days
Through the thrush;
Time to clean
That uterus!
LYSOL DOUCHE
It's so happy!
_Buffy the Douche User_
HAHAHAHA
*doodle doodle dee*
"BUFFY! The vampires are coming!"
"I'LL DOUCHE THEM!"
Lysol product placement
The idea of SMG doing a spinning kick split onto a douche is dancing through my head.
"Buffy, why are you always huffing Lysol?"
Hahahaha
10:10 PM
A BEAUTIFUL image, sir
"And now the gynamstics team will do their floor exercise."
"Huuuuurrrr...*GRUNT*"
*audience flees*
HAHAHAHAHA
And now the 'power lunch'
*doodle doodle dee*
CLARA: "Well, I got the Johnson contract."
MARA: "Well, I got a Johnson."
*embarrassed silence*
MARA: "...but I had my Lysol!"
*sparkling laughter*
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. Stop just eating salad, you anorexic fleabags."
HAHAHAHAHA
*at a funeral*
DORIS: "So sad to see Mary end this way."
ANNA: "Don't worry Doris. She left us ALL her Lysol in her will."
DORIS: "Hurrah! Just what I need before my next hot flash!"
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. Huh-huh huh-huh, you're old."
OMG you are killing me
I have to say these are beautiful images
Let's see, what next
*on a camping trip*
LISA: "Well, I brought the Off!"
JOHN: "I'd rather get it on."
LISA: "Oh, Fred!"
JOHN: "Fred?"
LISA: "Oh, sorry...uh, want me to give you a douche?"
10:15 PM
JOHN: "JESUS CHRIST!"
HAHAHAHA
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. You think you know someone..."
LYSOL DOUCHE: Take it like a man!
You spineless worm!
*at a diner*
WAITRESS: "And what'll y'all have?"
BOB: "The fried eggs."
JUNIOR: "The HAPPY meal!"
PATSY: "Oh my god, I need a douche!"
WAITRESS: "Got the Lysol RIGHT HERE!"
ALL: "Yay!"
WAITRESS: "You want ketchup with that?"
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. Just don't order the omelette."
*On a train*
AGENT 1: Do you have the documents?
AGENT 2: No, but I do have the clap.
AGENT 1: You fucking whore.
*dying*
LYSOL DOUCHE: Um, what was I talking about again?
GHAHAA
Lovely
Okay here:
*big sci-fi movie tie in*
VIN DIESEL walks over the wasteland
VOICE: "RIDDDDDDDICCKKKKKKK!"
VIN: "I've made my choice. I'LL HAVE THE LYSOL!"
JUDI DENCH: "WELL, Riddick..."
VIN: You aren't afraid of a douche are you.
THANDIE NEWTON: "Only the best."
EVERYONE ELSE: "RIDDDICKKK'S DOOOOUCHE!
THANDIE NEWTON'S BREASTS: Ole!
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. Blast off when you blast off."
*on Arrakis*
10:20 PM
PAUL: "So how do I summon the worm?"
STILGAR: "Take this can of Ly-Sol."
PAUL: "The hell?"
STILGAR: "And put it in your pants."
PAUL: "Um."
STING: "I WILL DOUCHE YOU!"
HAHAHA
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. Fucking English teabag punk."
*on the Red Dwarf*
RIMMER: Lister, what the smeg is that?
LISTER: That, Lister, is your standard issue Lysol Douche.
DAN: Oh shit, I completely fucked up
LYSOL DOUCHE: Wow I'm tired
Hahahaha
*On the Death Star*
DARTH: "You should not have come back."
OBI: "If you strike me down, I will douche your goddamn ass so bad."
DARTH: "THE CIRCLE IS NOW COMPLETE!"
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. No, those aren't your wangs."
*In a Manhattan apartment*
MONICA: Rachel, have you seen my handbag?
RACHEL: Didn't PHoebe take it into the bathroom?
MONICA: PHOEBE???
PHOEBE: WHEW Monica, that douche is something else!
10:25 PM
Hahahaha!
MONICA: PHOEBE THAT WAS MY LAST ONE! Oh my God, what am I gonna do?
JOEY: I've got an idea...
LYSOL DOUCHE: I'll be there for you after you hit it with a boatload of crusty sailors.
HAHAHAHA
Lovely, very lovely. Let's see, I've got one:
*backstage at the Motley Crue show*
VINCE: "Fucking fuck, that fucking fuckslut put crabs on my balls!"
MICK: "Spread those asscheeks wide, son."
VINCE: "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!"
NIKKI: "REPAIR ON THE ROAD!"
"...LYSOL DOUCHE. Why do you transvestites not take precautions?"
Haha
I am totally saving his
Yes, please
I will too. There is beautiful wrong here.
It didn't work at all, but the Red Dwarf one is sending me into hysterics.

Creative reinterpretation surely has a place.