Craigslist hilarity

I really love the implied existence of some previous ad/shoot that resulted in the model getting ALL WHINY because glue was burning into her eyeballs and she wanted to like stop the shoot my god.

Easy Money for you? (vallejo / benicia)
Date: 2012-01-29, 2:13PM PST
Reply to: gigs-hy3jf-2824586✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Hubby and I are looking for someone we can call upon when we are too stoned to drive yet want food. We will pay for the food we want plus $10 or $20 to you for going and getting the food for us. We might want I n' Out or Carl's Jr or Mi Publo burritos but what we really want is to stay off of the roads while mellowing out. So if you think this might work for you to get some cash under the table hit us back and let's talk arrangements.

Namaste

Something about finding this when I'm looking for an actual job really pisses me off.

someone at my grad school offered a service like this. i never took them up on it.

lol @ namaste

I was about to text my friend about an ad seeking a male midget stripper but he's not very tall, he might take it personally.

Isn't phoning for delivery cheaper than paying someone to be your munchy dude?

Those places they name don't usually deliver.

brilliant business model imho

Bass player available for PAYING GIGS ONLY. I play G, C, D. If your songs are not in G, please transpose them into G. If your song has an Em or Bm or anything off the wall I will probably sit out that chord. Or I could learn those notes for $30 each. If you want me to do fancy stuff like go back and forth between G and D while you hold a G chord, forget it because I'm a "pocket" player. Minimum $100 per gig within a 5 mile radius of 39202. $5 per mile travel charge for other areas out of town. Please make sure your gigs are on a JATRAN bus route, or you can pick me up at my place. Must be home by 11pm due to previous legal hassles. No gigs within 500 yards of schools, parks, or playgrounds.

beautiful.

that can't be real

Not legally able to play Nick Gilder or Chuck Berry.

That ad="Hi, I'm a sucky guitar player but I still want you to pay me. In fact, I want you to pay me more for having to put up with my suckiness."

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m049wcbYcX1qa1avyo1_500.png

Sweaming

Date: 2012-03-16, 3:38PM PDT
Reply to: marnenew✧✧✧@ya✧✧✧.c✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Sweaming teacher

Compensation: 2500
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 2906142632

uhh

Swimming in sweat?

Hello Ladies and Only Ladies. I am posting this add not as some kind of freak,pimp nor am I into fetishes. I am a happily married man looking for new clients. I have an in home Gig....Cutting,Shaving, and Trimming hair where the sun shouldn't shine. I keep my wife up to par and with her approval thought it would be a great Gig. Call for appointment. First 10 ladies are free (only if you spread the word)! I will be accompanied by a female employee and you will be guaranteed great service, All For Only $3-$10. All sizes,lengths,and races welcome! --Note this : Not a scame---! Have A Bless Day.

would you let a stranger mow yr lawn

Female rapper looking for a GHOSTWRITER

Date: 2012-03-17, 2:27PM PDT
Reply to: pinkzeebr✧✧✧@gm✧✧✧.c✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Im a 19 yr old female rapper
who wants to find a writer to ghostwrite my songs for me I have the beats I just need someone to write to them

my influences are Uffie,MIA, AZELEA BANKS, ROXANNE SHANTE AND SALT N PEPA

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay
PostingID: 2907709064

would contact

Looking for a Hard-Headed Woman - 30 (Downtown)

I'm looking for a woman who can relate to a misanthropic man.. who is well-read, but doesn't wear her intellect like an accessory. A woman who is allergic to pretension, despises all 'isms', who is fiercely opinionated and objectively beautiful. A feminine tomboy and a lover of dancing and dark music. A woman who has a finely-tuned bullshit detector, and a devout aversion to the narcissistic, the phony, the loud and the banal. A woman who instinctively scoffs at the perversion of modern feminism, at its predictable effects on hapless men and women, and rises above it without effort. Sort of a modern incarnation of Salinger's Franny, without the prayer. I am a struggling musician and writer, and a lover of a very specific kind of woman which is increasingly difficult to find in a city that is hopelessly sedated by irony, vanity, and other vices of the vapid and hip.

Send me a photo and tell me about yourself.

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/m4w/2924228475.html

I am this dude's manic pixie dream girl, I think. Unfortunately I am married.

Poor lonely Gordon Lightfoot

Hahaha my husband is a HUGE Gordon Lightfoot fan, that's appropriate.

Dude's looking for his Franny, probably going to end up with Zooey... Deschanel

ya... unlucky... guy

*slow clap*nicely done, mh!

objectively beautiful

he just sounds so sad and despairing and lovely. like a single version of my hippy math teacher who had sweaters handsewn by his girlfriend with Neil Diamond and John Denver lyrics on them. He had one that said "You are the sun I am the moon You are the words I am the tune Play me' with an appliqued sun on it.

he sounds lovely to you? he sounds like an insufferable old asshole who wants a hot goth to listen to him rant and rave.

Yah seriously. The inclusion of "a feminine tomboy" should be enough to tell you that no woman on earth exists that would be everything this guy wanted; she doesn't exist and if she didn't, she wouldn't go for this bitter asshole.

I mean if she did.

Also she should "rise above" "modern feminism," effortlessly. Whatever that means. Get tae fuck.

he sounds like an insufferable old asshole who wants a hot goth to listen to him rant and rave.

I put this on my dating profile, personally

I am a struggling musician and writer

lol'd

i miss LJ

why are all the A+ crazy ones from Toronto? wtf!

:(

haha slocki OTM.

Ooh, I think my theoretical date add would be almost the exact opposite to that. I'd be looking for someone who can't relate to a misanthropes; who's smart but not necessarily well-read; who loves light music, and pretentions, and the loud and banal, and who's subjectively beautiful; who lives for the perversion of modern feminism, and loves its predictable effects on men and women...

Can't imagine anyone answering to the this guy's ad, but good look anyway, chap!

"add" = "ad"

What he's going to get is: 1) Women who think they can change him and/or 2) Women with serious mental and emotional problems.

so... manic pixie dream girls.

Posted at the request/behest of Get Bent:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/2111720687.html

Free Cello
Date: 2010-12-13, 7:32PM PST

So my sister gave me this cello a couple years ago. It's a nice cello. Actually, it's a great cello. It's probably the best cello, but I don't really know much about cellos. Also the neck snapped off. Of the cello. So it's really more like 3/4's of a cello, but the other 1/4's still there, it's just not attached. It's kind of like you're getting two cellos, only one of them doesn't have a body and the other doesn't have a neck. But if you stand them up next to each other it's like old times. You could probably fix it with like some music glue or something like that.

She also gave me a cello bag that I can give to you too, now that I won't have a cello. It's a really nice cello bag. You can fit everything in it. Actually, there might even be a bow in the bag, I'm not sure. I don't want you to think that there's 100% a bow in the bag. It's way over there, I can't check right now. But if it's in there it's yours.

If you're like me and you don't know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. It's hollow and there are two S's on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it's filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. Ooh, in the cello bag. It'd be like a cello purse. I'd do it but I'm moving across the country and it won't fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah.

Please come get it. I'm in Echo Park. I'd actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we're going is a cool place. Like the desert or something.

I'm 90% certain the bow's in there.

Location: Echo Park
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Neil Diamond sweaters!

MUSIC GLUE :D

rod stewart imp/impress sks tribute band/acoustic duo/solo gigs (palmyra)
Date: 2012-03-30, 10:55PM EDT
Reply to: rcqtp-2931912✧✧✧@c✧✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Hello,my name is Greg Scott. I live in Palmyra now; just moved here from Mobile,AL,but I`m originally from the Boston area. I have been a semi-professional Rod Stewart impersonator/impressionist for about 15 years. I am 48 yo. I call my tribute -BIG ROD.I am a large sized man so the name is very apt. My desire is to form a Rod Stewart tribute band or a duet with an acoustic guitarist, with other singers/musicians,or at least hire out myself as a one man show for hire,any occasion. I have ok 12 yo club speakers,stands,wireless mike and stand and amp and mixer,again none of it spectacular but good enough for a gig. I have all my music on a computer in Real Player and i have CDGs and some burned cd-roms. I am also willing to just get together to jam as a hobbyhorse,etc in lieu of gigs.. As for my act right now i do one-man shows with karaoke background music when i do have a rare gig. I only performed once in mobile at the Crooked Martini last year,a week before St. Patrick`s day. When i lived in Lancaster a few years back; I did a gig downtown on Queen st, for the Friday arts thing they had. The vast majority of all my past gigs have been in Mass. I have also won numerous karaoke contests over the years as well. I am always available for any occasion. I know over 70 Rod Stewart songs and can learn more. I perform,of course, the songs which are available on karaoke. My set list is anything from maggie may to his latest Songbook album. With a band or another musician,there are obviously many more songs that I will do such as songs he has not recorded but has performed as well as classic soul/rock covers in his style that fit his voice. I can sing many songs in an evening and have lots of energy and passion in my performances. I can move pretty good as well. I stay in character in my shows using a Stewart like voice and sense of humour. I use a long blonde wig and black viny like pants and tall boots. My shirts are either satiny like polyesters and I have a disco mirror ball type shirt i like to wear. I have three sport coats that i wear as well. I can wear make-up but haven`t used it in years. If you are seriously interested in putting something together or if you want to hire for an evening; please email me with details. I do not have a resume/package per se but i do have some video of my past performances going back to 1998/99 and a short video from last year as well. I will post my most current business card to this ad at some future time As for me auditioning for you and/or vice- versa; I do not have a rehearsal space but we could meet at yours or at my home or yours. I usually ask people to meet me at a local karaoke venue so they can see and hear me perform. You may also call me,Greg, at 717-639-4684 8-8. Look forward to hearing from you; serious replies only. ALSO OPEN MINDED TO JOIN A COVER BAND AS A VOCALIST,FRONT MAN OR OTHERWISE. OBVIOUSLY IN THIS CASE I WOULD NOT BE DRESSED/PERFORMING AS ROD STEWART.

Crap, should've X'ed out the phone number.