Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

ugh. i just kind of ended things with the okc girl i was seeing.

she was actually pretty great, we got along well. i just wasn't falling head over heels or anything, and i was starting to pick up that she was really into me. it was uneven.

i'm very confused. i feel like i should come with a label right now, "WARNING: emotional landmine, recent 7-year breakup, proceed with caution"

i think part of it was also that she's even more antisocial and misanthropic than i am, and i could easily see us retreating away from the world, imminently. i'm open to fully succumbing to the hermetic lifestyle in the future, but right now i need to keep engaging with the world. that's what's been helping me get through the last month or so, and it felt like i was being forced to retreat from that before i wanted to.

ended up going on my fourth date of the week tonight and it was good last night was a second date which was also good

z s did you give her signals that you you were into really into her? it seems like you at least must have been pretty into her if you deleted your okc.

this whole "i stopped liking you because it seemed like you liked me too much" thing has been particularly annoying to me lately. sometimes we ladies go with the flow when someone is coming on very strong with liking gestures. i had this happen recently where this person was so over-the-top wooing me (like, baked me my favorite kind of pie and made me gushy mixtapes and held my hand over the dinner table at a restaurant). then just fell off the face of the earth. when i was like "wtf dude?" he said that he had started to get nervous/bad feelings about things because i had stayed an extra hour longer than i said i was going to stay and it freaked him out because i seemed "too attached to him". like the dude BAKED ME A PIE and it's somehow ok, but i stay an hour later than i said and it's suddenly crazy psycho attached woman, watch out!!!

this is the kind of romantic terrorism i can do without.

the wooing was also just so over-the-top and highschoolish that is was impossible for me to believe anyone would actually do that just to get someone into bed. i should have realized something was off, but the cognitive dissonance was too great. and also i really like pie.

that is kind of fucked up, his behaviour.
whereas it is totally totally normal and rational to like pie! and even be wooed by it!

okcupie <-- would join

someone should rewrite "the game" or whatever the pua manual is to just say "bring pie."

i once dated a guy (non-OKC) who drew a picture of me for my birthday that was one of the sweetest, best gifts i've ever gotten in my life. i bought him a book for xmas and he got really weirded out, like i wanted to move too fast or something. wtf.

these people with their crappy double standards :(

like they just want someone to dote on but don't want anything in return because the mutual exchange of sentiments is too relationship-y

i'm sorry about it not working out, ZS - sometimes things can seem really big/hot/heavy at first and fizzle quickly when you actually get to know each other more. i guess i'm just pointing out the obvious really! but still, it sucks on both parts :/

am over the emotional issues resulting from yesterday's date, but i realized, in talking to a friend just now, that i totally turned the the date's power structure on its head without even knowing it... like, he was the one who asked me out and planned it and i then used my 'connections' to get special tour and essentially put myself in the drivers' seat without meaning to. i haven't dated in so long, i am kinda clueless. but learnin'...

someone should rewrite "the game" or whatever the pua manual is to just say "bring pie."

lol + otm

(xpost)
or they just want the pursuit. and when the person they idealize starts to show human emotions they are voted off the pedestal.

at least it's good practice for learning how to not take things personally

because that is certainly their issue, not yours/ours

z s did you give her signals that you you were into really into her? it seems like you at least must have been pretty into her if you deleted your okc.

well, i disabled (not deleted!) my okc because she kind of hinted pretty strongly that she wanted me to, and thought oh hell, why not. also, speaking of cooking things, the other day i went over there and she had made me like 5 or 6 dozen vegetable DUMPLINGS!!, homemade. i know that must have taken her at least a couple hours, probably more. it was really sweet.

i don't know. if she would have done all of that about 6 months from now, or rather, if i were meeting her 6 months from now, i might be totally into her and ready to get more serious (and in fact, we left the door open for seeing each other again sometime in the future). i'm just a mess right now, pretty much.

the male/female dynamic of doing nice things is so fucked. like, you see ridiculous stereotypes of the past where a dude shows up with flowers on a date or chocolates and is being chivalrous by opening doors, pulling out chairs, pulling the car around, and somehow ~proving himself worthy~
not to mention the traditional stance of "man buys things!"

then there's an idea of equality now where you just split things down the middle, but I feel like guys have this bizarro cultural baggage where they don't know how much or too little to do. then when they get even an equal response from a woman, it's like, "oh shit, I got past the threshold of reciprocity where she demonstrates she likes me! Now I have to reevaluate this whole thing"

argh i didn't re-evaluate the whole thing because i got free DUMPLINGS!, i re-evaluated because the thought of being in love again is sort of terrifying right now. 6 months ago i was talking about possible names for future children with my fiancee

not that you were accusing me of that, mh, i think i'm just paranoid that i just did something awful and i'm a terrible a-hole, and maybe i am, but i'm a bit of a landmine right now. can't really imagine any situation really working out longterm in the next several months, but i probably wouldn't throw that tidbit in an okc profile.

that is totally understandable! we understand
xp

do you think you might want to just not date right now altogether?

ZS: I think the key point here is you probably shouldnt get involved with anyone at all for a while, as tempting as an idea as it is. You need more time to be ok with it, and as you've just found out, now's not that time. Nothing wrong with that at all - acknowledge it and be ok with it :) It'll get better.

Also:
this whole "i stopped liking you because it seemed like you liked me too much" thing has been particularly annoying to me lately. sometimes we ladies go with the flow when someone is coming on very strong with liking gestures. i had this happen recently where this person was so over-the-top wooing me (like, baked me my favorite kind of pie and made me gushy mixtapes and held my hand over the dinner table at a restaurant). then just fell off the face of the earth. when i was like "wtf dude?" he said that he had started to get nervous/bad feelings about things because i had stayed an extra hour longer than i said i was going to stay and it freaked him out because i seemed "too attached to him".

HOLY FUCKING FUCK I HATE THIS SHIT. It has happened to me MANY times and I DO NOT GET IT. Can a guy pls possibly explain what the shit is in someones head to give all the ott signals and then accuse the lady of being "too into me"? *&&^%

ZS, I've seen people write things like they just got out of a serious relationship and aren't ready to get into another one. I respect that. Don't feel like an a-hole.

On a lighter note, my date last night was asking me about the Vietnam war. I was like, how old do you think I am?

RE: what i actually want

i don't know what i want right now, it's true. i know i don't want anything super-serious right now. but it's not like i'm just trying to fool around, either.

when i met E- (ex-fiancee), i was actually in a similar position, i had been coasting on happily for several months just meeting girls occasionally. i wasn't looking for anything long-term, and then all of a sudden i met E- and it was BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE. i didn't even have a choice - i HAD to be with her all of the time. i mean, i wanted to, but the desire was so strong on both of our parts that there was no need to make a decision, we were just together, immediately. all of the time. and loving it. it lasted like that for years. people used to say to us all the time that we disgusted them with our happiness. one day about 2 years in, some homeless guy yelled out "HEY! RIGHT THERE! THE PERFECT COUPLE!", and we just laughed because he was absolutely right. it was visually obvious. sigh.

earlier tonight, when i was ending the thing with the okc girl, we actually talked a little about whether it's possible to ever get those butterflies again. does that only happen with your first big, serious relationship, and then all the subsequent relationships are a little more guarded in the opening stages? because what freaked me out about okc girl is that things were going pretty well and could have easily gotten serious, but i never had that GAAAAH feeling, and i wanted that. i never want to get really serious ever again unless it's accompanied by the GAAAAH. is that just hopelessly misguided? and then i end up breaking it off with girls who are actually really nice and considerate and good people?

No, you should totally have that feeling. If you don't have that feeling, there's not much point.

That's not to say you can't also have fun in the meantime with people you don't have that feeling about.

like they just want someone to dote on but ... when the person they idealize starts to show human emotions they are voted off the pedestal.

I feel like you guys, together, just totally got this. It's a backhanded favor they're doing you by pulling away, because they kind of weren't seeing you as a person in the first place?

No, you should totally have that feeling. If you don't have that feeling, there's not much point.

that's my gut feeling too, but the girl i had been seeing was of the opinion that it's impossible to get again because you'll always be afraid of being hurt after your first epic love. she seemed like she still wasn't totally over some shit that went down about a year ago.

Feelings are going to differ, in scope and magnitude, but I think at the very least there has to be some sort of spark and excitement.

I've definitely had some good, long term relationships where there wasnt over the top crazy first-love butterflies.

i haven't had a butterfly in my stomach for a very long time. just moths in there.

maybe a ferret once

i no longer trust that GAHHH feeling when it happens

Ha, yeah that too. I think the last couple times I let my feelings run away with me, I made a major arse of myself and ended up hurt and/or disappointed. My sense goes out the window in such states. Its a shame, cos I do enjoy a bit of ecstatic joy now and then.

I was just thinking about how I miss the effing butterflies.

Waiting for my date. I had a bit too much to drink at happy hour so am feeling a bit punchy.

Also vp lol re Vietnam.

i totally turned the the date's power structure on its head

o shit i guess i have not been paying appropriate attention to the power structures of my dates?

man . . . pie.

Also re yr question curmudgeon, we had already decided to meet in bk which I am not familiar w at all, while he lives in bk, and he was all like where shd we meet, I say you tell me, and he's all like Ummmm. Actually his text literally said "hmn". . Finally I was like OK! Let's meet at the subway!

I will readily cop to being too picky if that's not a big deal. But we were messaging forever until I was finally like so do u wat to meet or not? And then I planned the date. So I think at least he should take the lead on the next one. Aka tonites date.

Have y'all heard of nerd n1te?

every n1te on ilx is nerd n1te

O man.

ime GAAAAH can be manifest in different ways at different points in one's life

GAAAAH as first love can be a different GAAAAH at later loves. Later GAAAAH, thoug different, is no less GAAAAH.

every n1te on ilx is nerd n1te

― mookieproof, Friday, November 18, 2011 8:24 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

OTM

GAAAAH as first love can be a different GAAAAH at later loves. Later GAAAAH, thoug different, is no less GAAAAH.

quicie, i want to hear more about this when you have time. also, i fully expect "GAAAAH" to be in the OED next year

quincie so totally OTM - was reading this thread earlier and trying to figure how to say just that

i want to believe.

but tell me more about how the GAAAAH is different. because i've experienced it a few times - the first two were sadly, pathetically unrequited. but the third actually happened, was reciprocated and was amazing. and i understand that feeling can't be maintained ad infinitum. i'm just looking for that feeling again, even if it's brief, at the beginning, because it's pretty much the best feeling in the world.

no, the UNIVERSE

It does change over time and experiences yeah. Perhaps because each new relationship adds to it all yr knowledge of previous successes and mistakes. There's a maturing and a deepening to connections as you progress in years, I've found. You really know what you want the further along you get.

So it might not be the untrammelled GAHHHHH of the first time but thats not always a bad thing! It can be... richer? Better prepared, too.

i worry that, for various reasons, i have no GAAAAH in me anymore. not just for relationships, but in general.

but yeah z s otm about the UNIVERSE

GAAAAAAHHH just loses letters and capitalization over the years and eventually you are ok with gaah or even guhhh

a little gehhh is enough to get out of bed in the mornings

Quincie otm.

My relationships and their Gaaaah distinctions, by ljubljana (sorry for tl/dr)

1: Saw him for the first time, spoke his language very poorly, heard about 3 sentences he said and fell madly in love GAAAAHHHH. I still understand now exactly why this was and why it was justified.

[2: no Gaaah. Rebound. Desperate. Error]

[3: no Gaaah. Flattered, went along with it. Error]

4: Initially as per 1, and I was so overwhelmed I became extremely boring, and got dumped. Excruciatingly painful at the time, yet now I really don't know why I was so hung up on him (in contrast with 1). Lesson: post-breakup GAAAHHH can reverberate forever or it can taper off after a bit and seem silly.

5: Found the person slightly annoying, but it got physical after a few dates, then suddenly appreciated all the lovely nice things about him and a slow kind of gaaaHHHHHWWWWWWW WHAT A NICE PERSON crept up. Lasted about 2 months until he shouted at me during an argument. Instant gaaaHHHH cessation even though we dragged it out another year.

6: Found the person slightly baffling if interesting, then baboom style GAAHHHH hit the day after after 3rd date while making roasted vegetables alone in my apartment. Remember the moment well, I burst into tears as I recall.

7. 1st date: oh, what an interesting person. 2nd date: oh dear, he can get a bit much, can't he. 3rd date: yet he is intriguing and I really must see him more often. From there on in I would describe it more as an amazed, happy WOW WOW with GAAAAHHH moments hitting me from time to time while, say, looking at him while watching TV.

My problem is not GAAAHH variation, it's GAAAHH reciprocation.