Homemade Jokes

Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?

Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.

A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"

The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".

My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.

WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT ARE
JUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVES
DOWN WE GO
CLEAR THE WAY
INTO THE SEA BELOW
BUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHT
DOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDING
INTO THE SEA BELOW

I still sing it at Christmas

Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:

Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?

Julio! (like Coolio, etc)

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)

Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Oink oink.

And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.

did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.

your mom

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
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Because they dragon.

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

i'm getting nothing but sergio leone soundtracks. i think he may be pulling your leg

I think he is just being a silly guy.

guy? how'd you pronounce that?

Now you are being the silly guy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoYsfbq3vMc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq9zsqa-bcs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDevlNobB_g

I called the city about a sinkhole on my block today. They said they were already looking into it.

Had a dog called minton, ate my shuttlecock

BAD minton!

(friend swears he made that up, i'm doubtful)

Should be Mington, shurely?

Noticing I had been 21 minutes late for pretty much everything over the last few days, I checked my watch and noticed it had been set to Welsh Time.

wait have i spelled badminton incorrectly my whole life? the humanity!

yep, looks like it.

no i'm right and NV is all wrong

http://www.fistoffun.net/book/69.htm

Did you see the ceramicist comedian last night?

He was kiln em!

hahaha

Which professional tennis player has the fattest wife?

Roger Feederer

Hey bobby, what's the french for Voo-voo-zela?

Malaysian? Isn't that just bad asian?

Why did Lou Reed go to Williamsburg for his prosthetics?

Because he needed hip replacement surgery.

Man, Hurting, you are cracking me up!

Here is a joke of my own I once made up:

What do you guy who turns into an uncool wolf in the full moon's light?

A square-wolf.

I mean, What do you call a guy...

how did Snoopy begin his novel about wavelength measurement?

"It was a dark Ångström-y night."

a joke a former coworker made up:

why did the owl get fired from his job?
sexuOWL harrassment

(this joke actually made me laugh uproariously as it was about the tenth in a line of owl jokes and the first whose punchline did not play off a HOO pun)

Oh my God, in high school, my circle of friends & I had this habit of making up really bad nonsense jokes with the punchline "license to Bill." This had gone on several weeks, that we'd be hanging out at my friend's house, playing video games and making "license to Bill" jokes, then finishing the evening by ruining his family's dinner with terrible jokes that all ended in "license to Bill." One night his dad said, "Enough of your jokes, I want to tell you something serious my pastor told me about today." His dad was an evangelical Christian – the kind of guy who was too Christian to open fortune cookies because they were "false prophecy" – so we all knew this could go on for a while & you just had to be polite and listen. He started going on and on about what the pastor had to say about the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and how it was dragging our nation down, and he started reading out loud this letter his pastor had written about the dangers of dishonesty and adultery. "And do you know what he wrote on the envelope?" he said. "Lies! Sins! To Bill!"

^^^true story about a homemade joke, not a homemade joke itself

aahahahah i love when i get pwned by unlikely people

what did the river say to the riverbed?

my sediments exactly!

oh, my god

Sensational work.

The is easily Top Ten for this thread.

aww i just got it

first I hated it, now I love it

Thanks all, this is pretty much the only place for it so I'm glad it worked ...

Which dinosaur can do three trillion calculations per second?

Triteraflops

Never buy Communist books during a power cut. I went to the bookshop to buy Mao's Little Red Book. The power went out. Came home with my purchase and opened it up.

"Chunyang, 23, telephone Beijing 283901"

Only gone and got his Little Black Book hadn't I???

No one could understand it when I hired Scar, nefarious and conniving villain from Disney's "The Lion King," to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

[this joke brought to you by my daughter playing Scar in local children's theater and singing his signature song around the house constantly]

i came up with _one joke_ and just the other day i found out somebody else independently came up with it

actually i just came up with a new, better punchline to a pre-existing joke

q: what's a pirate's favorite letter?
a: a letter of marque

That reminds me of a joke, I think I've heard it, or a variation of it, before . . .

Q: What's a cat's favorite letter?
A: Cats don't have favorite letters, they're fucking cats.

What do you call it when the Phish bandleader only faintly has a quality of not being submerged in condensed milk?

Trey’s trace tres leches-less-ness

Your Gods so omnipresent...

"How omnipresent is he?!?"

Your Gods so omnipresent that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house

I was about to tell Lavator's joke at my stand-up night, but then I remembered that the Disney Haters Society had block-booked tickets, so...

No one could understand it  when I built a time machine, travelled back one hundred years, kidnapped Lord Baden Powell, and brought him back to the present day to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

Lol H.P.

xp i think we have a burgeoning genre here!

For your respects neando, have another.

Have you heard how poor the Christians are?

"How poor are they?!?"

The Christians are so poor they only got one God, and they still had to split him 3 ways!

If I ever want to be a hip and happening youth leader, I'll submit that joke as my resume

who was Christian Vander's favourite grunge artist?
Curt Kobaiian

There used to be a secret penis hidden in Rembrandt's The Night Watch until he was ordered to paint over it by its central figure.
He was Banninck Cocq