Real England

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"... heir to an immense fortune, gifted by nature with a mind susceptible of noble cultivation, and a body endowed with admirable physical powers with the wretched drunkard who died in a gaol at the age of thirty-eight, a worn-out debauchee and drivelling sot... " <-- i am this very second ensconced in the village that surnamed this regency rake, tho he mainly lived on the other side of shrewsbury

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:41 (eight years ago) link

nigel farage isn't real btw, he speaks for only his own constituency, which is seldom more than symbolic

is there a real england that is incapable of any sort of assimilation into colonned literature? a planar england that resists signification or commodification by interlopers from other englands

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:43 (eight years ago) link

south dublin iirc

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:44 (eight years ago) link

leatherhead is a promotory over a large and brackish inland sea that is never spoken of

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:45 (eight years ago) link

beneath the leylines, the true underground

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:46 (eight years ago) link

"Winter, 1981: the headless, skinned bodies of two bears are found by the River Lea."

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:51 (eight years ago) link

real england is all mates and and blood sausage and big bottomed birds reading thew newsie-wewsies

max, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:57 (eight years ago) link

nah it's hedgerows and birds and complete lack of public services

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:08 (eight years ago) link

Oh it's all about the public services nowadays; a bus to take you into town so you can spend all night trawling the happy hour bars, a streetcleaner to mop up your vomit from the pavement, a policeman to give you a place to spend the night. No-one needed public services when an evening's entertainment consisted of watching the sun set over a russet autumnal hedgerow, lulled into a reverie by the carefree birdsong.

ceci n'est pas un nom d'affichage (ledge), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:17 (eight years ago) link

http://www.photohistory-sussex.co.uk/UckFrisbyPiltdown03.jpg

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:19 (eight years ago) link

"Searching for the Putdown Man"

ceci n'est pas un nom d'affichage (ledge), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:21 (eight years ago) link

is there a real england that is incapable of any sort of assimilation into colonned literature? a planar england that resists signification or commodification by interlopers from other englands

Interesting question which I wish I could answer.

Ned Trifle X, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:29 (eight years ago) link

I don't know if I would like that England even.

Ned Trifle X, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:29 (eight years ago) link

is there a culture that can't be commodified? and i have to be v. v. careful not to paint my cultures, or the cultures i've drifted along the fringes of, as the only real England. the problem is that the word is usually only spoken out loud by a certain kind of cultural capitalist, whose vision of it is just as tangential as mine. bullshit about fair play and honest toil and love of the land that i'd counter with a nation of sneak thiefs, factionalists and urban wastrels. the contestedness is always part of the Reality of the nation, any nation really.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:39 (eight years ago) link

for every sleepy Sunday C of E-attending agnostic Tory there's an apocalypse-welcoming hair-splitting anabaptist

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:41 (eight years ago) link

Everywhere north of Enfield is basically a wasteland isn't it? Brrrr... Nothing there. Just a man collecting lumps of mud and putting them into a cloth bag.

Glo-Vember (dog latin), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:42 (eight years ago) link

yeah but the determination of that which is essential need not be a question of mere majorities

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:43 (eight years ago) link

everybody shd read The Uses of Literacy to see how you can constructively get this wrong in a way that doesn't just mourn real heritage centres. obv Williams and E.P. Thompson and Stuart Hall too

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:43 (eight years ago) link

the determination of that which is essential need not be a question of mere majorities

quite so, how about the British Isles then as a dumping ground/refugee camp/Wild West for Europe and parts south-east, over millenia, fuelling endless negotiation and conflict over territory, and that is the quicksand underneath Real England that we think of as bedrock?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:46 (eight years ago) link

look mate there's no need to get fucking personal, alright

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:49 (eight years ago) link

btw if i was gonna put forward one Real England it wd be old photographs of works sports teams or outings or other ceremonial jollies

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:49 (eight years ago) link

it would be the commie permawheezing mustachioed drunk one in tinker tailor, tho no doubt they'd have you b'leev it's smiley or haydon

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:52 (eight years ago) link

wait haydon was the commie?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:54 (eight years ago) link

SPOILERS

nah think he was the aesthete on a protest against the yanks more than anything else, wasn't the dude ciaran hinds played proper lefty in stated methods tho

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:56 (eight years ago) link

the sparking point of Real England is where the plummy port-swilling foxhunter runs up against the chippy millenarian work-dodger and we drink each others' health and promise ourselves deep down that one day our kind will crush theirs

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:57 (eight years ago) link

the phoenicians sailed up round to albion to trade tin for spice before the romans had even got out of bed, and if they weren't trading with aboriginal pre-celt and pre-pict inhabitants, then it was certainly aboriginal+1: an island of proto-druid shopkeepers since time immaterial

stonehenge is actually a kind of cashpoint machine

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:58 (eight years ago) link

xp

oh, Roy Bland. yeah Bland is the angry Puritan I've been talking about, defending his country so's his people can crush the effete Squire class one day

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:59 (eight years ago) link

but mark, who's to say the aborigines hadn't hopped off the boat from Boulogne just ahead of the celts themselves and so on and so forth??

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:00 (eight years ago) link

irish close to turks dna-wise iirc

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:03 (eight years ago) link

i think that's exactly what mark is saying, tbf

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:04 (eight years ago) link

Of all the Tribe of Tegumai
Who cut that figure, none remain
On Merrow Down the cuckoos cry
The silence and the sun remain

xp he's called smiley, he has to be of outlander extraction

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:13 (eight years ago) link

^ I wasn't at that FAP

R. Stornoway (Tom D.), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:34 (eight years ago) link

clun forest all-mercian jug band champions, tractor runs on wattle and daub

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:34 (eight years ago) link

never get away with haircuts like that up in the Danelaw

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:36 (eight years ago) link

post pictures of men who look like offa's dyke

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:37 (eight years ago) link

for every sleepy Sunday C of E-attending agnostic Tory there's an apocalypse-welcoming hair-splitting anabaptist

― Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:41 (58 minutes ago)

there is definitely a book to be written about those south-midlands dissenter sects, maybe in a sort of gently sardonic louis theroux tone, 'britain's very own wild east and its fire and brimstone pastors '

so a good effort, but not really real

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:45 (eight years ago) link

real english dialectic demands picture of McGoohan dressed as hunt sab.

you don't exist in the database (woof), Thursday, 3 November 2011 17:01 (eight years ago) link

there is only one named wind in england

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Friday, 4 November 2011 17:02 (eight years ago) link

This suggests a few more. I sincerely hope that "custard winds" isn't made up.
http://www.weatheronline.co.uk/reports/wxfacts/British-Weather-Terms.htm

Stevie T, Friday, 4 November 2011 18:12 (eight years ago) link

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2011/11/8/1320750745209/Members-of-the-public-wai-004.jpg

Sir Jimmy Savile's coffin goes on display - Members of the public wait to pay their respects

Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Tuesday, 8 November 2011 13:05 (eight years ago) link

haha when i posted MES's mugg up-thread i genuinely didn't know his new LP was called "Ersatz GB"

mark s, Tuesday, 8 November 2011 13:11 (eight years ago) link

nah i was deliberately misquoting "The Classical" and i haven't heard a new Fall album in most of a decade tbh

Bond 23: Skyrim (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 8 November 2011 13:15 (eight years ago) link

it has probably always been his topic, of course

mark s, Tuesday, 8 November 2011 13:21 (eight years ago) link

the problem is the paucity of our national realnesses, we have nothing so resonant as la france profonde nor even REAL AMERICA

the place is too small and thoroughly gone over to sustain any really vital autochthonist fallacy

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Friday, 11 November 2011 02:19 (eight years ago) link

"Middle England" as a conceptual culture, rather than a geography, has a resonance with politicians. There's an element of it that links back to the idea of a 'real England', away from metropolitan fancies. Much more bound up with class than 'real America', though.

Mohombi Khush Hua (ShariVari), Friday, 11 November 2011 08:01 (eight years ago) link

"Middle England" is a coy acknowledgment of the middle class that doesn't yet quite dare to speak its name

Bond 23: Skyrim (Noodle Vague), Friday, 11 November 2011 11:13 (eight years ago) link

two months pass...

so here i sit in a real England on a sunny Friday morning, but trapped inside the gloom of the institutional looking out at the sun, of course.

is our realness a sense that authenticity lies outside? what kind of culture will we leave for the archaeologists that isn't a bastard-Norman legacy of tea-cups and arcane manners? fate of an island to be the sticking point for a lot of flotsam and jetsam maybe, a 5 mile high mountain of tide-stranded rubber ducks and fashions.

maybe real england is that real desire to never belong, to always get back to sea.

summer sun, something's begun, but uh-oh those tumblr whites (Noodle Vague), Friday, 27 January 2012 10:04 (eight years ago) link

Another one, this is strange now.

nashwan, Thursday, 11 June 2020 21:23 (three weeks ago) link

Like something straight out of the Beano, but it does look a bit fake. Police don't normally wear the chinstrap down like that iirc?

Boris the Spreader (NickB), Thursday, 11 June 2020 21:31 (three weeks ago) link

They do in a high-scamp area though.

Andrew Farrell, Friday, 12 June 2020 06:12 (three weeks ago) link

I’m calling the police pic.twitter.com/1WIG3bhQZR

— mnrrntt2 and 87 (@mnrrntt) June 21, 2020

calzino, Sunday, 21 June 2020 11:52 (two weeks ago) link

Knife fight between daytripping Londoners near the amusements at Bournemouth Pier is pretty retro Real England.

Scampo di tutti i Scampi (ShariVari), Friday, 26 June 2020 12:13 (one week ago) link

Knife fight at a beach rave in Sheppey, a more modern approach.

Scampo di tutti i Scampi (ShariVari), Friday, 26 June 2020 12:17 (one week ago) link

Let's hope the Teds stay out of it this time

tired of waiting for icu (Matt #2), Friday, 26 June 2020 12:23 (one week ago) link

Still with Kent Online,

Controversy struck yesterday after Kent Police tweeted out a photo of two officers holding the Gypsy Roma Traveller flag, prompting hundreds of angry responses from the public.

....

Mr Ferrari shot back at the councillor, arguing that police should not get involved in political campaigning and asking him: "Why fly a flag for Gypsy rights?"

The LBC host continued to tell listeners about his time living in Kent, when a toilet and plasterboard was dumped into his parent's land, to which Cllr Osborne said we should be careful to point fingers at who is responsible for fly-tipping.

Mr Ferarri added: "Why can they not tweet quick enough about Gypsy rights, but we have to ask about Armed Forces Day?"

Illustrated with this picture of Cllr Osborne for some reason.

https://i.postimg.cc/GmCZyPcP/LSB15-HVHRLNQDEYO5-LEH.jpg

Scampo di tutti i Scampi (ShariVari), Friday, 26 June 2020 12:24 (one week ago) link

i noticed via the radio the other day that it's Armed Forces *Week*, not just a simple day for our brave boys and girls

then the Beeb had some chinless cunt doing PR for the military but i turned over

never mind that shit, here comes scampo (Noodle Vague), Friday, 26 June 2020 12:27 (one week ago) link

Armed Forces 24/7 365 in Kent, baby.

Scampo di tutti i Scampi (ShariVari), Friday, 26 June 2020 12:31 (one week ago) link

shitting in burger box at the beach is classic Real England

12 tonnes of rubbish left on Bournemouth beach yesterday. People had even defecated in burger boxes & left on beach. We are creating a pandemic & pollution hell on Earth #Covid19UK #plasticpollution pic.twitter.com/FoYcvligF1

— dominic dyer (@domdyer70) June 25, 2020

( X '____' )/ (zappi), Friday, 26 June 2020 12:35 (one week ago) link

i can only imagine with a shudder of gratitude for being elsewhere

never mind that shit, here comes scampo (Noodle Vague), Friday, 26 June 2020 12:36 (one week ago) link

U aim for the box, u best not miss

Scampidocio (Le Bateau Ivre), Friday, 26 June 2020 12:47 (one week ago) link

There was once this really unpleasant character who used to often hog the local phone box for hours (this was in the pre-mobile phone era) and often make innapeopriately sexual comments to any children in the area. So My partner's nephew and neice decided to leave him a present in the phone box, they shat in a ferrerero Roche box and left it on the shelf for him. He definitely wasn't impressed when he opened it!

calzino, Friday, 26 June 2020 13:11 (one week ago) link

So many questions.

Matt DC, Friday, 26 June 2020 13:13 (one week ago) link

Like one big shit or loads of little ones, one for each chocolate?

Matt DC, Friday, 26 June 2020 13:14 (one week ago) link

Lmao. 'Yo dawg we heard you're being a shit in a box, so we put a shit in a box in the box you're a shit in'

Scampidocio (Le Bateau Ivre), Friday, 26 June 2020 13:14 (one week ago) link

You ask that and not whether it was wrapped in gold foil?

American Fear of Scampos (Ed), Friday, 26 June 2020 13:14 (one week ago) link

I can't remember which one shat in it but they were 12 and 13 years old at the time if that helps!

calzino, Friday, 26 June 2020 13:15 (one week ago) link

Clearly the trick is to drop a massive tartare-induced deuce then to carefully sculpt it into a dozen chocolatey pebbles before wrapping them, Midas-like, in foils of gold.

pomenitul, Friday, 26 June 2020 13:18 (one week ago) link

Probably advisable for the 13 year old to play the Ambassador, bit more gravitas.

Matt DC, Friday, 26 June 2020 13:18 (one week ago) link

Stage one: open the box

Anti-Cop Ponceortium (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Friday, 26 June 2020 13:19 (one week ago) link

Nothing was wrapped, so God knows why this fule even picked the box up, but he did!

calzino, Friday, 26 June 2020 13:20 (one week ago) link

I like eat a Ferrero Rocher box, shit it out and then spread the resulting paste between two intact Ferrero Rocher boxes

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Friday, 26 June 2020 13:21 (one week ago) link

I think the phone box guy was addicted to sex chatlines. I'm not joking he would be in there for hours, possibly on speed, he'd even bring his bathroom rug in there with him some days!

calzino, Friday, 26 June 2020 13:25 (one week ago) link

Classic Real England, they don't make 'em like that any more

tired of waiting for icu (Matt #2), Friday, 26 June 2020 13:33 (one week ago) link

I was walking along the Regent's Canal once (up near St Pancras old church) and saw the most beautiful, ornate box floating along by the side. Looking back I should have known better, but I fished it out - all finely folded thick white card on a light wooden plinth, replete with a bow - and opened it up. Inside, lovingly inlaid, was a perfectly formed human shite. I fully expected Lisa Riley or someone to jump out with a camera but nothing.

Vanishing Point (Chinaski), Friday, 26 June 2020 13:53 (one week ago) link

itt: posts with beautiful vivid imagery

never mind that shit, here comes scampo (Noodle Vague), Friday, 26 June 2020 14:14 (one week ago) link

Classic Real England, they don't make 'em like that any more

― tired of waiting for icu (Matt #2), Friday, 26 June 2020 14:33 (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

RIP phone boxes

a hoy hoy, Saturday, 27 June 2020 17:33 (one week ago) link

So tempted to hit the spoons and then go and laugh at the angry mods in the miserable pissy rain

Boris the Spreader (NickB), Saturday, 4 July 2020 11:19 (four days ago) link

“Heaven,” said Bert Lockley, a regular, sipping his first pint of draught Guinness for three months. “I’ve missed this more than my missus when she left,” Lockley said.

coptic feels (seandalai), Saturday, 4 July 2020 13:01 (four days ago) link

Here are the bar staff at The Alliance Inn @MENnewsdesk pic.twitter.com/1lRB2kscTk

— Rebecca Day (@RebeccaDayMEN) July 4, 2020

Matt DC, Saturday, 4 July 2020 13:03 (four days ago) link

I admire their enthusiasm but each of those blow up sex dolls will have been through enough hands by 11pm to qualify as a superspreader event in their own right.

Matt DC, Saturday, 4 July 2020 13:24 (four days ago) link

Spreading what though?

The Fields o' Fat Henry (Tom D.), Saturday, 4 July 2020 13:29 (four days ago) link


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