Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

I know... I think I am in the "ugly" pool. My first like 15 pages of matches are all poly people.

Match.com is almost worst.

I GUESS I WILL TRY AND MEET PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE????

Mands there is NO WAY you are in any pool that isn't marked "ONLY AWESOME ONES HERE, GET YER AWESOME ONES HERE."

Laurel, that's sweet of you :)

Nobody poly ever contacts me, except for I think one dude who was married and lives in California saved me to his favorites (?). Maybe it's because okc says I am less kinky than most straight women my age.

for awhile creepy married dudes kept contacting me, and i was like wtf, and then i realized i had not checked off "must be single" under who i'm looking to meet.

I did check "must be single" but one of my 99% matches kind of buries the lead at the end of his profle that he is a committed polyamorist. I keep forgetting what's wrong with him and click on his profile occasionally; luckily he's never contacted me.

Wait, so his profile says single, but he isnt? What a dick!

I guess maybe, because he comes up in my searches? Eh, he's not all that anyway....

Hm unless saying "must be single" also includes ppl who have it set as "available", which is poly code for "i'll take as much as i can" ugh.

Match.com is almost worst.

Yes. Match in the over 40 age range has more folks into health and exercise, but alas many of them are only into triathalons, hiking and biking huge distances, etc. OK Cupid in the over 40 range has lots of very, very large folks into music and movies. Surely there must be someone in the middle between these extremes.

I've heard match is kind of... bad, but I've actually heard worse reports about eharmony! Eharmony: for when you have "traditional values" and are looking for a _serious relationship_ meaning that my female friends end up with dudes who have weird ideas about women who are looking for wifey.

I kind of still in my "not taking okcupid seriously" phase in that I need to upload better pics and actually fill out info to sound more enthusiastic and not like a crepe.

Women that appear to be on okc in my area:
- People I recognize or have met through friends who do not fit me for various reasons, but it is odd when we recognize each other from the site
- Women from 26-34 with kids. Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but some are... too kid-focused? I don't know, they present the facts in a weird way
- People in careers that keep them busy in normal socializing hours so they go to the site. Slight overlap with the mothers. Example: nurses.
- Suburbanites with tastes that weird me out
- People with horrible aesthetics or who are (as Todd the squirrel in Achewood would say) "church-face retards"

OK relevant achewood comic: http://m.assetbar.com/achewood/uuag2XNs5

Ugh guys I think I'm giving up on this thing again. This just simply is not for me.

Are you profile-stalking? I think that's the key to a good okc experience. That said, it's not like you have any problems meeting people IRL.

I mean sort of, but not that much. But no, I have no problem meeting people IRL, that's the weirdest part. It's so easy for me to make new friends and acquaintances but so hard to meet, like, potential romantic interests that are also attracted to me.

Maybe you are valueing romance too highly and sex too cheaply? Just get romantical with one of your hook-ups--you're at least halfway there.

Or am I misunderstanding the whole gay-sex-scene yet again?

Sort of, maybe. A successful and even regular hook-up doesn't necessarily equate to a romantic interest; I was just thinking today how there are a couple guys that I really enjoy as FWB's (meeting up once or a couple of times a month, hanging out, cooking dinner, cuddling, watching TV, fucking, etc.) but that very likely wouldn't work out as actual boyfriends for various reasons.

I don't know, is that weird?

Though, I mean, I guess sex has the potential to be a lot more casual in "the gay scene" or whatev, so if you have a friend of the same sex and seuxality with whom you share a mutual attraction, it's sometimes not that big of a deal to just throw sex into the mix. But, I mean, just as you have straight male friends who make great friends but would probably be not-that-great boyfriends, so is gay stuff. I guess we just really like fucking or something.

Hmmm...maybe you should start only hooking up with people you are interested in romantically...HA HA HA HA. It's not weird, I think it's fairly common, but if I liked someone enough to do all that stuff you mention...I'd want for it to be more than once or twice a month. Otherwsie, I'd rather be friends without benefits. I dunno, my life is not so packed and fulfilling that I could only pencil someone in every few weeks. Um, though, come to mention it, I am sort of in that kind of situation at the moment, not exactly by choice, just kind of waiting for it to peter out or resolve itself but it just continues on it's own irregular schedule.

Thos thread came at the perfect time for me. If someone has a dealbreaker in their profile, is it better to just Ignore the message or do they want to know about why you think it won't work out? Is it better or worse to just say you think it won't work out but not provide a reason? I'm afraid its going to turn into some kind of debate...

there are a couple guys that I really enjoy as FWB's but that very likely wouldn't work out as actual boyfriends for various reasons

*obviously* i don't understand the gay sex scene, but -- if you have ppl that you like as friends and that you like fucking, then what is the disconnect between that and "actual boyfriend"?

if it's a real dealbreaker then ignore the message xp

I used to think it was polite to write people back if they seemed somewhat interesting and literate, but that has opened the floodgates of neediness, so now, my advice would be: DON'T ENGAGE. Don't give people any opening. I began by giving people the benefit of the doubt and working under the assumption that they were fairly functional, but it seems if you respond to them, they think they OWN you and your time in some way, and they never go away, until you spell it out for them. Er, alternatively, if they seem nice and normal give it a try and respond. And report back.

but -- if you have ppl that you like as friends and that you like fucking, then what is the disconnect between that and "actual boyfriend"?

for one, "ppl"

the person i was supposed to hang out with tomorrow ALSO cancelled on me, also because of work, i am pretty sure i have terminal cooties.

Yah I ignore messages if the person isnt for me, theres no point getting into any having to justify oneself with a complete stranger ffs.

if that person's excuse was illness, i can attest to the fact that shit is going around

Haha, it's probably for the best. I have a date-free week and I couldn't be happier.

Already trying to think of how I can extricate myself from things I planned for next week...this "work" is a good excuse?

My brief okc honeymoon period seems to have ended.

migraines are a good, easy excuse, that is my go to.

*obviously* i don't understand the gay sex scene, but -- if you have ppl that you like as friends and that you like fucking, then what is the disconnect between that and "actual boyfriend"?

Age, fundamental life differences, personality traits that are fine in short doses but would be problematic dealing with all of the time, etc. I mean, surely you have female friends that you're attracted to but that you know you wouldn't be a good relationship match with, just pretend being able to fuck them but w/o getting all attached and sentimental.

haha i don't think i can

do you think the availability of no-strings fucking is a hindrance to boyfriendhood or beside the point

Well, first of all I should say it's good to see so many sane people are like "fuck, maybe I'll give OKC another try."

Used it a little recently though my real life prospects have been a bit more lively. I've been hanging out with someone who I like pretty much more than anyone ever apart from last serious relationship (when i was in it), it's just a bit of a mess since she had a bf when we first met.

Still it's sort of made me think a bit more about relationships so I've been using OKC. I have to say it's fairly grim. As a guy you pretty much need to message people in my experience, I assume cos girls get inundated with dudes sending them messages.

It's also that thing of it being incredibly difficult to come across well in text.

I think in real life I am pretty outgoing, to a point, and at least can joke my way through meeting people, plus I met the above person by doing some drama stuff, so mostly I think better to just do more stuff.

That plus, I've started talking to people I don't know a lot more when out, which has been kind of fun.

do you think the availability of no-strings fucking is a hindrance to boyfriendhood or beside the point

It's really hard to say; the whole gay thing such a different beast. I mean on the plus side people can just get what they want without having to feign commitment in a relationship they might not even want, but on the flip side since the option of NSA sex is so available people might not even be considering a relationship as something they might want. But this is all speculation; I really can't say for sure.

<quote>Still it's sort of made me think a bit more about relationships so I've been using OKC. I have to say it's fairly grim. As a guy you pretty much need to message people in my experience, I assume cos girls get inundated with dudes sending them messages.</quote>

As a girl, I used to message guys I thought were interesting but that <em>never</em> went well! Not sure why, or if that's just the online dating "culture" in NY, but I eventually gave up and just wait for them to message me.

whoops. wrong html.

I had a woman write to me once--"you looked at my profile and didn't write to me but despite that rejection, I am contacting you because I think we have things in common"

lol

I had a woman write to me once--"you looked at my profile and didn't write to me but despite that rejection, I am contacting you because I think we have things in common"

Did that happen to be a photographer with a limp? Because that woman pulled this on me too!

I don't think so!

I must admit I am sometimes thinking the same thought when I contact people who have looked at my profile. But I would never phrase things that way (You rejected me).

Rayuela, why did things not go well when you contacted guys in NY?

as a woman on this site you get all sorts of harassing messages - once i received a message from someone, looked at their profile, and the wrote back, didn't reply, and five minutes later the guy wrote me back this scathing, mean tirade about how ugly i was.

and people will just write me out of the blue with "negs" from everything to my looks to my cat (crazy cat lady, so original!)

i honestly don't know why i still have a profile on this site.

So this week:
- A girl who works at a coffeeshop I go to and is a friend of friends walked into a bar I was at, where I was celebrating a female friend's b-day. Female friend was like "hey, that girl is cute" and I mentioned how I sort of knew her.
- Same girl has now shown up on okcupid and looked at my admittedly godawful, unmaintained profile
- Do I send message? wtf

I wonder if my one picture that includes a cat brands me as a crazy cat man

'and five minutes later the guy wrote me back this scathing, mean tirade about how ugly i was.'

Just wondering: can't you report that to a moderator?

if only there were an irl moderator to whom one could report things

or site admin...

What's worse is that I've had a few people "Save me as a favorite" - and I've written them, and they never respond. What gives?! I THOUGHT I WAS A FAVORITE.

I just don't know about online dating sometimes. It seems I'll meet someone and they're well read and articulate and interesting, but there's no physical attraction. Either that, or there's physical attraction from one party toward the other, but it's never reciprocated. At least when I meet people in person the mutual attraction is established pretty much straight away - and then I slowly find out all the fucked up shit about them over time, LIKE NORMAL!

Guys why do we do this to ourselves

:(