Craigslist hilarity

I think you can roll up Polaroids, smoke them, and get high, right?

http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/rnr/964514051.html

I am a born again Christian. Why is this a problem for people????! I have a house that's MINE and I PAID FOR IT. I also have a basement apartment for rent. It's a great space for I'm charing very little for it, $480 monthly, for the right tenant. I know it's ILLEGAL to require a Christian in the apartment, against the human rights. That's why I NEVER put this in my ad. Why then does it keep getting taken down?

HERE IS THE AD I POSTED, AND THE AD THAT KEEPS GETTING REMOVED:

Available Immediately – Broadway and Commercial – Showing Saturday and Sunday – Email for directions and additional information.

What kind of apartment is it?

• One bedroom basement apartment with separate entrance
• Tastefully decorated with modern décor
• Approximately 650 square feet
• There is even a window! Security bars installed for your safety and to prevent unauthorized activity
• Closed circuit camera installed for security and safety. One in your suite, one at the entrance, and one in the exercise yard

Rent:
• $480.00 per month
• First month’s rent + ½ month security deposit due at move in
• Small pet allowed with approval and payment of additional ½ month pet damage deposit
• One year lease permitted, option to renew lease at end of the term with no increase in rent
• LANDLORD’S SPECIAL! Move in before January 1st and don’t pay for the remainder of December! That’s significant savings.

Included in the rent:

• Electricity
• Heat – Maintained at 21 degrees with lock box to prevent unauthorized tampering. Additional heating available for $20.00 per extra degree of heating per month. You may not use your oven to heat the apartment. If you do, you will be fined $50.00 per occurrence.
• Air conditioning – Maintained at 25 degrees during the summer with lock box to prevent extra cooling from being dispensed. Additional cooling for sale for $20.00 per degree of cooling requested per month.
• 25" Zenith color television set with basic cable service - INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Wireless internet (with content filter applied to block forbidden/immoral websites) - INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Provision of coin laundry services - You will have your own personal coin laundry washer and dryer machines. Washers and dryers are paid using a token system. Tokens can be purchased through the landlord. Washer tokens cost $4.15 each and dryer tokens cost $3.60 each. You are not allowed to use foreign
currency or slugs in the washer and dryer. Violators will be fined $100.00 per infraction.

About us: (Landlords)

We are conservative, bible believing, God-fearing, born again, evangelical Christians. We interpret the bible literally in every way possible. We live a strict moral code and observe God’s laws in our everyday life. My wife stays at home and teaches our home-schooled children. I work as a pastor at a local congregation and am active in the faith community.

About you: (Tenant)

• You are employed
• You do not participate in lascivious deviant slutty behavior
• You do not choose alternative lifestyles as your lifestyle
• You do not have any criminal history
• You must have excellent character references
• You do not smoke, drink or take drugs. Mandatory drug screening required.

Additional Rules/Conditions:

CLEANLINESS: You are responsible for the cleanliness and orderliness of
your apartment. Beds are to be made before leaving your suite,
countertops must be wiped down, and you must remove all trash. Upon
inspection, if the tenant's basement suite is not clean, the cost of
cleaning services plus a fine of $100.00 will be levied.
LIGHTS: The lights in your basement suite and in the day room are not to
be tampered with. If a light needs repair, report the condition to the
Landlord.
WAKE-UP: Wake up will be at 5:30am each morning. All ceiling lights in
the suite will be turned on automatically.
LIGHTS OUT: Ceiling lights in the suite will be turned off at 11:30pm.
CONTRABAND: The following items are considered contraband – alcohol, illegal drugs, tobacco, weapons, lock picking equipment. If any contraband is discovered to be in your possession, you will be subject to a minimum $1,000.00 fine. In addition, your items will be confiscated permanently. Second offense – you will be evicted without notice. A bailiff will escort you and your belongings off the premises. Your security deposit will not be returned.
SMOKING: The basement suite is non-smoking. Anyone in possession of
tobacco products of any kind or any lighter or matches, will have their
contraband items confiscated and will be fined $100.00.
INSPECTIONS: The Landlord will conduct unannounced inspections to ensure
that these rules and regulations are being followed.
VISITATION: Visitation periods will be on Saturdays and Sundays from
1:00 p.m. until 3:00 p.m. All visitors and their vehicles are subject
to search while on landlord property. Refusal to allow a search can
result in their being barred from all future visitation privileges. All
visitors must sign the Visitor's Log. Unauthorized visitors will be
escorted from the property, and the tenant will be fined $250.00.
I.D. BRACELETS: Each tenant will be issued an I.D. bracelet with his/her
photograph. It must be worn at all times. If you lose your I.D.
bracelet or it is broken, you will be required to purchase a new one at
the nominal cost of $5.00.
EXERCISE YARD: The tenant will have access to the exercise yard in the
area to the back of the property for 2 hours per day from 4:00 pm to
6:00 pm. The tenant is not allowed to bring any personal property to
the exercise yard. Once the tenant leaves the exercise yard on a
particular day, he or she may not return. No boisterous behavior is
allowed in the exercise yard. There is no smoking allowed in the
exercise yard. Minimum fine for exercise yard infractions is $50.00.

That cannot be real.

(If so, !!!!!!!!!!)

lol has the penal system contacted these people yet to discuss outsourcing terms

If it is real (which I doubt), you could live somewhere with the same conditions, but rent free! It's called prison...
(damn xposted)

http://winnipeg.kijiji.ca/c-jobs-other-Wanted-Bar-attraction-W0QQAdIdZ94888311

Wanted: Bar attraction

Ad ID: 94888311
Visits: 9291
Address: Winnipeg, MB View map
Date Listed: 18-Dec-08

We are seeking a person, male or female, with an empty eye socket/cavity. They must be willing to allow people to take shooters out of said eye socket/cavity. We are willing to pay you 1/2 of all earnings from the bar attraction event and all the alcohol that you can drink. This is a real job application. If you qualify, We believe that someone just like you could bring a great deal of acceptance on the subject of loss of an eye, and earn a fair amount of cash on the side.

Again, this is a REAL ad and we truly believe that there IS a market for this.

If you fit the job description, please call 831-6212 or email lennonmccartneyharrisonst✧✧✧@hotm✧✧✧.c✧✧ .

Who are these people who charge $40 for an old, used Discman, and then have the audacity to write "serious buyers only" or charge $10 for their CD copy of the Lion King Soundtrack?

I am truly baffled, are so many people so inept at the utmost basic, common sense-marketing principles?

xpost to the eyeball shotglass - love how that email address is still very obvious despite the, ahem, starrs. and to the content - wtf!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/fuo/1032837033.html

buy it. now.

i'm pondering

cool cd rack i'm checking out:

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/fuo/1040975278.html

We are 2 guys, and 1 girl, early twenties. We all enjoy making music and art, gardening, cooking vegetarian meals, growing things like kombucha and consciousness, and being happy and healthy in general. If you are interested in meeting up and seeing the house, email me back and tell a little about yourself and some contact info~

growing things like kombucha and consciousness

grow some balls

Awwwww.

Frankenpick
Date: 2007-10-19, 9:08AM CDT

Latest offering smuggled from the former Soviet Union, this pick utilizes old Russian nuclear laser technology. Strap on the convenient Velcro micro-unit, plug into any 1200 Watt power supply, and aim the solar panels directly at the sun and dial in the guitar style of your choice.
From Chet Atkins to Duane Allman, guitar herodom is literally at your fingertips. The micro sensors process the bass and drum beats and submit a series of small electrical shocks directly into your nervous system causing you to involuntarily crank out searing leads.
A word of caution: actual electrical discharges my vary, and side affects could include erratic blues face, trembling of the hips commonly known as Presley syndrome, drooling and involuntary anal discharge. In extreme cases, you may be mistaken for a drummer.
Local sales only. Cash only. Contact your health care professional if erection last more than 6 hours. No scammers please.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/453488653.jpg

* Location: South Austin
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 453488653

flagged for my for sale ad
Date: 2005-10-20, 11:13PM PDT

I originally posted this in the "for sale" section of this website, but it was flagged and removed within 25 minutes. If you know anyone that can help me, please read on:

Years ago, just before i transferred from Chemeketa to the U of O, i was in a pretty sad state--sexwise, that is. My problem was that i wasn't pulling enough trim to keep my sexual desires satiated. I was basically a walking boner machine, cranking out a product that nobody wanted. Getting laid in high school was no problem: Back in the 90s girls would lift skirt as naturally as they would sneeze or yawn. But when college and hence my 20s came around, something happened. I can't put my finger in it, but i think it had something to do with the fact that women over 20 aren't impressed with things like how quickly you can shotgun a can of Milwaukee's Best Ice.
So my first term at U of O was pretty much vadgeless, no matter what i tried. Dyed my hair blonde, bought a new Merkur with the two spoilers, threw away all of my old Hypercolor T-shirts, even started ordering Cointreau Sidecars at the bar just to seem impressively pedantic. Nothing worked, and I was just about ready to resign myself to life without poon.
But then one day a miracle happened. I was walking back to my quad on 18th and Kincaid when i found something in the holly bushes out in front of the Lorax. It was easily recognizable by the shape of the hardcase poking out from the foliage. I opened up the case and saw that it was an accoustic guitar. A beautiful guitar that said "Regent by Kramer" on the little stem thingie. I placed the guitar back into the soft fluffy red fur that lined the hardcase and lugged it home. I placed a lost and found ad in the Emerald and called it a night. I didn't think it at the time, but that was pretty much the last night i would sleep without two soft milky-white breasts to bury my chin between.
The following day I decided to take the guitar with me to my CompLit 318 class because it was one of those once-a-week 6-hour classes that was more like an independent study type of thing. Just before reaching the corner of 17th and University, a girl named Alayne Mundtz walked up to me. Her first words were, "Are you in a band?" I was so surprised that such a beautiful although shortish Jewish girl would walk up to a stranger on the street that i lied, "Yes. Yes i am." By 9:30 that night, I was nose deep in Alayne. She broke up with me about three weeks later (when she finally realized that i didn't actually know how to play guiter), but that was okay because i was getting pretty sick of her anyway. Two nights later, i brought the guitar to Max's on 13th. That's where Jennifer D'Amico bought me four pints of Jubelale before taking me home. She thought she was an "artist" and had all of these paintings of butterflies all over her bedroom. I didn't care, though, because she was a box-shaver and that was the first time I'd ever gone down on a hoo-ha sans hair. She kicked me out of her apartment about a month later when she found out i wasn't in a band, but--again--i was fine with that because i think i was allergic to her fabric softener.
That was pretty much how the rest of my college career went. I got a BA in English Lit because i was happy to coast by on a 2.49 GPA, and about 30 notches on my headboard because of the guitar.
I moved to Portland after graduation, and the guitar-luck, of course, came with me. I've sprayed in all sorts of Portland girls thanks to this guitar: Indies, goths, trustafarians, hipsters, even a lesbian once from that time i lugged it up to the Egyptian Club on Division. This instrument has been vital in both my sexual development and approximately seven abortions. I won't even tell you about the time when i brought the guitar to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats. All I can say is that Planned Parenthoods are a ripe garden of fertile baby caves. Best. Blowjob. Ever.
You may be wondering why i'm willing to part with this guitar, this chick magnet, this slit supplier. Fair question. I present my answer to you in two parts: Firstly, i think it's morally apprehensible to walk around town with a guitar case if the only reason you're doing it is to moisten panties, especially if you've never even bothered to learn how to play. Secondly, and more importantly, I've finally met a girl without the help of the guitar. On one of the rare occassions that i forgot to bring out the chick magnet, i met a saucy little redhead at Paradox, and the carpets match the drapes if you know what i mean. We're engaged to be married.
I can pretty much guarantee that you'll be swimming in muffpuddles by the end of the week if you buy this guitar, but i really don't want to tell the fiancee about this so please don't hesitate to take it off my hands.
The price is firm.
PostingID: 105596028

This instrument has been vital in both my sexual development and approximately seven abortions. I won't even tell you about the time when i brought the guitar to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats. All I can say is that Planned Parenthoods are a ripe garden of fertile baby caves. Best. Blowjob. Ever

oh my. wonder how this would go over at slam poetry/open mic nite.

having heard something very similar two nights ago i can tell you: carwash clapped off the stage

also

* Location: South Austin

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats.

This is approximately 15 blocks/ 0.75 miles SE of where I'm currently sitting. And to think, the most exciting thing I've ever seen there is that they have a library.

Oh and douchebag pro-lifers will occasionally protest the place and get laughed at.

A large picture but safe for work ("Sarah Michelle Gellar and I").

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/ats/1111457569.html

selling ford truck - $1200 (girard)
Reply to: sale-9ujvk-1163953✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-05-10, 3:37PM EDT

$1200 obo this has been a good truck for me but i have to sell it because i cant ever get to it with all of the bees around it they have been in and around it for almost 2 months now and i havent been able to get near 5 feet or else i get stung and im sick of it i still have welts from months ago stingings and i cant even get to work because i cant get to my truck so i have to sell it test drives at ur own risk i cant go with you too many bees

* Location: girard
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://images.craigslist.org/3k93o63pdZZZZZZZZZ95a9d51ae134b8c1fcb.jpg

holy shit. i need that as a link so i can send it to coworkers!

http://snarkerati.com/movie-news/files/2008/08/candyman.jpg

here's the link http://youngstown.craigslist.org/cto/1163953978.html

i cant go with you too many bees

btw I just saw Candyman. wtf was the deal with that movie?

Oh, it's just ONE OF THE BEST HORROR MOVIES EVER MADE

i don't know but this reminded me of tommy boy like where they're driving drunk and they get pulled over so they run out of the car going BEES! RUN! YOUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS AGAINST THEM!

http://www.indiancomedian.com/EddieIzzard.jpg

it's coveredinBEEEEEEES!!!!!!

Knew someone who was genuinely too shit scared to say "Candyman" in a mirror five times

along with being great sociopolitical commentary at the same time, imho

oh beehive...
http://www.anglotopia.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/austin-powers-shagadelic.jpg

It made absolutely no sense to me & was not scary but OTOH I was sick & running a temp of ~102º F at the time.

"Movie reviews by a lady who is stupid and running a fever."

LOL classic self-deprecation there. that would be a good thread. you should do it.

anyway: Candyman the character is the classic 'Other,' the object of Helen's (Virginia Madsen) sexual fantasies...his monster senses her weaknesses, then assumes/consumes Helen to the point that she becomes Candyman. Her salvation comes only when she essentially dies in order to rid Candyman from her psyche; additionally, her 'sacrifice' is representative of an attempt to heal the schisms of racism and racial herding-- the baby that she saves is a 'new son.'

Finally, the film deals with issues of miscengenation as well as race/class tourism's destructive effects on communities.

I believe the last part-- the first part is more the political gobbledygook explanation of a slasher film.

KILLING ME WON'T GET YOUR GODDAMNED TRUCK SOLD!!

http://media.photobucket.com/image/Wicker%20Man%20Bees/GroinGremlin/beesnickcage.jpg

Sounds like a typical bee movie plot to me...

dude

am i that bad

honestly, if i am, i promise to shut my fucking trap forever

no you are not that bad

thank u

Knew someone who was genuinely too shit scared to say "Candyman" in a mirror five times

― snoball, Monday, May 11, 2009 6:41 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lol

I interpreted for Bernard Rose (Candyman director) on the set of a later and much, much crapper movie, Anna Karenina. He was entertaining and clever if occasionally a demanding bastard. He used to flap his arms and cackle.

rip

http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2009/05/craigslist-gives-in-will-shut-down-erotic-services-section.ars

Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.