JACK HANDEY...POO!!

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

There are two theories about what happens to a skunk if he gets into heaven. One is that he no longer stinks. The other is that his stink is super strong. Both these theories are by me.

I'll never forget the time I got caught stealing watermelons from old Mr. Barnslow's watermelon patch. I was with my friend Bobby. We were giggling so hard I thought I'd wet my pants! At first we tried to steal two watermelons each, but they were too heavy and we dropped them, and that made us laugh even harder. Finally, we each picked out a good one, and we were just about to sneak back through the fence when we heard a low, deep voice behind us. "Just where do you think you're going with those watermelons?" I gulped and turned around. It was old Mr. Barnslow, pointing his shotgun at us. Bobby dropped his watermelon, then pulled out the .38 revolver he kept in his waist, turned, and fired. But the turning must have thrown off his aim, because the shot only hit Mr. Barnslow in the thigh. Mr. Barnslow immediately fired both barrels at Bobby. One blast of buckshot missed entirely, but the other tore into Bobby's shoulder. He tried to fire back, but his shoulder was so torn up he couldn't raise his arm. Just as he was trying to switch to his left hand, Mr. Barnslow ran up and cracked him across the face with the butt of his shotgun. Bobby fell to the ground in a heap. Mr. Barnslow raised the butt of his gun to finish him off, but just then Bobby pulled out his hunting knife and plunged it into the farmer's big white belly. After that, I don't think I stole watermelons for at least a year.

remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

-- cutty

I'm a "legal reporter" -- basically I read legal documents and summarize them.

You know what's a good way to make a woman angry? Just run up to her and kick her in the shin.

If I am my brother's brother, who am I? Answer: Me.

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

i think jack handey is the person who has most influenced my sense of humor

whoa me too i think

my parents had one of his books and i used to read it over and over with my brother and just lol so hard, age 12 or so

my sense of humor has not changed since age 12 btw

very handey:

http://twitter.com/fireland

also very handey:

http://www.amazon.com/My-Custom-Van-Mind-Blowing-Essays/dp/1439153531/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256166316&sr=8-1

i have a page-a-day calendar from '99 thats all jack handey deep thoughts

as i bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable. until i realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!

can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, March 28, 2005 11:53 AM (4 years ago) Bookmark

^^^ scanned the thread to see if anyone had posted this

these are even more hilarious than i remember

I remember I was hammering on a fence in the backyard when Dad approached. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried.
I continued to hammer as he came toward me. "Son," he said, "why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it."
"Oh, I'm not using nails," I replied. "I'm just hammering." With that, I returned to my hammering.
Dad asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Dad mad. "I said, stop hammering!" he yelled.
I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news. "Look," he said, "you can hammer later, but first--"
Well, I didn't even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard "You can hammer," that's what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer dog.
Dad tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, 'cause that's the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and and made me stop.
"I'm afraid I have some news for you," he said.
I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm's length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that's all. That apparently didn't make any difference whatsoever to Dad, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field.
And when I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that I just couldn't take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me.
"Son, come back!" yelled Dad. "What about your hammer?!"
But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice. "As long as you're pounding, why not use this?" I turned, and it was Dad, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer.
I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Dad's outstretched arms. But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him.
Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with the drugs, I like to tell him this story.

http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/fuzzymemSNL.html

"Fising": "Nice try, 'Dad'...if that's your real name."

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

love the hammering one

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

where are these longer ones coming from? i've never seen/read them before!

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2008/03/03/080303sh_shouts_handey

some gold if you search the new yorker site for his name... but unfortunately my favourite piece, "stunned" is only an abstract now

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/ABPub/2006/09/06/2003246232.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unfrozen_Caveman_Lawyer

omg never heard of this guy before. these are killing me!

very handey:

http://twitter.com/fireland

― cutty, Wednesday, October 21, 2009 6:05 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

^^^^^ amazing

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

fireland is so great. there's so many of them too

"My kid's got ADD so we're thinking about sending her to one of those concentration camps?"

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

hey he wrote a book
http://www.powells.com/biblio/62-9781455522385-0

& a nyt article

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/magazine/jack-handey-is-the-envy-of-every-comedy-writer-in-america.html?smid=tw-share&_r=0&pagewanted=all

This was discussed in the other thread (the article) but I prefer this thread since it actually spells his name correctly.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
― Hurting (Hurting), Sunday, March 27, 2005 11:08 PM (8 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this kills me

Instead of half-mast, maybe you could fly a flag at three-quarter-mast for a guy who's in a coma. Then, if he gets worse, the flag gets lower, or if he gets better, it starts to move up, so you can just look at the flag and see how he's doing.

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins.
Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.