lol I came here to post my own version of that too, but to comment on the righteous screencap
http://i.imgur.com/bwYEy.png
― dayo, Saturday, 1 October 2011 16:21 (twelve years ago) link
http://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.png
― dayo, Saturday, 1 October 2011 16:22 (twelve years ago) link
http://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.png
― ice cr?m, Saturday, 1 October 2011 16:34 (twelve years ago) link
can't... stop... staring...
― dayo, Saturday, 1 October 2011 16:36 (twelve years ago) link
worst episode of hollywood squares
― Roberto Spiralli, Saturday, 1 October 2011 19:42 (twelve years ago) link
it's impressive how simmons can't write about anything without referring to the nba -- it's reminiscent of wilbon's propensity for mentioning jordan in any possible (or impossible) context
― mookieproof, Friday, 21 October 2011 00:13 (twelve years ago) link
good podcasts this week w/blake griffin and the ticketmaster guy
― call all destroyer, Friday, 21 October 2011 00:16 (twelve years ago) link
simmons article going in on the players for the lockout was nagl
― ice cr?m, Friday, 21 October 2011 00:33 (twelve years ago) link
im shocked you guys haven't pointed out the whole "there are more likeable players in the NHL" thing most likely meant "there are more white guys in hockey"
― frogbs, Friday, 21 October 2011 02:42 (twelve years ago) link
not to mention the whole "NBA players have limited intellectual capacity" thing
― frogbs, Friday, 21 October 2011 02:44 (twelve years ago) link
i know this is easy pickins but if you want to see him get ripped apart click herehttp://www.sbnation.com/nba/2011/10/20/2502297/nba-lockout-2011-bill-simmons-hook
that was enjoyable tbh
― mookieproof, Friday, 21 October 2011 03:53 (twelve years ago) link
feel cleansed now
― ice cr?m, Friday, 21 October 2011 04:03 (twelve years ago) link
the problem for Bill is he's really not knowledgable about anything outside the NBA and I'm pretty sure he going to write like a dozen LeBron articles this winter
― frogbs, Friday, 21 October 2011 04:09 (twelve years ago) link
ill read every single one tbh
frogbs do u like stats come have fun in the player game finder thread
― MODS DID 10/11 (k3vin k.), Friday, 21 October 2011 04:11 (twelve years ago) link
the problem for Bill is he's really not knowledgable about anything outside the NBA
bostonhoopsguy
― mookieproof, Friday, 21 October 2011 04:13 (twelve years ago) link
xp I'd read them too! he's so much better editorializing about hoops than anything else. i read his NFL picks columns but he knows pretty much nothing about football (or baseball for that matter), but his stuff on Lebron is always good
― frogbs, Friday, 21 October 2011 04:19 (twelve years ago) link
sportsguy33Could anyone else who twists my "limited intellectual capital" comment around from yesterday's column please note that...
...I'd have the same concerns for NHL/NFL/MLB players? Athletes are trained/conditioned to play sports, not save their sports economically.1 hour ago
― polyphonic, Friday, 21 October 2011 06:50 (twelve years ago) link
I always thought that baseball was his bread and butter, you know his whole I'M FROM BAWSTON RED SOX RED SOX RED SOX thing
― dayo, Friday, 21 October 2011 10:08 (twelve years ago) link
Really enjoyed this article:
http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/7538/rediscovering-rock-n-jock
― polyphonic, Thursday, 27 October 2011 17:46 (twelve years ago) link
― dayo, Friday, October 21, 2011 6:08 AM (6 days ago) Bookmark
this angle has had rapidly diminishing returns for everyone who worked it since 2004
― call all destroyer, Thursday, 27 October 2011 17:52 (twelve years ago) link
http://deadspin.com/5878436/tennis-players-bill-simmons-would-do-another-classic-from-the-secret-sports-guy-vault?tag=bill-simmons
― omar little, Thursday, 26 January 2012 18:47 (twelve years ago) link
^^kinda imagine nu-bill simmons gritting his teeth every time he's writing about female athletes and holding himself back from saying things this extreme
― omar little, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:03 (twelve years ago) link
ugh @ the "hey i'm just doing what the ppl asked for!"
― i love pinfold cricket (gbx), Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:15 (twelve years ago) link
SYLVIA PLISCHKE — C-minusProbably the most attractive tall woman on the tour, which isn't saying much... short-haired blonde, painfully skinny... she's about six-foot-three, but she doesn't have that stiff-legged, "women's hoop coach" walk like most other tall tennis players ... on the bright side, I'm convinced she wasn't wearing a bra during her matches last year.
― omar little, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:20 (twelve years ago) link
MARY PIERCE — B-minusCaptain of the "Beauty is just a lightswitch away" club ... in other words, she's got a Butter Face (everything looks great but her face) ... supposedly better-looking in person ... then again, they said the same thing about Rocky Dennis ... one of the few female tennis players with a legit cleavage... as Frank Drebin said in the first "Naked Gun" movie, "She's got the kinda breasts that say 'Hey, look at these!'"
Two drawbacks here: 1) Pierce dates Robbie Alomar, which speaks for itself, and 2) she had that weird restraining order thing against her domineering father, which means she possesses an inordinate amount of emotional baggage ... there's just a lot to work with here, both positive and negative.
**** Caveman #1: "She's searching for a father figure, which means she's probably extremely attentive to her man's needs. Extremely attentive."
**** Caveman #2: "Remember when Kenny Mayne was doing tennis highlights and said, 'Mary Pierce down a set, although it doesn't appear that way'? Now THAT's comedy!"
― omar little, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:21 (twelve years ago) link
ARANXTA SANCHEZ-VICARIO — D-plusBuilt like a fire hydrant ... not a lot to work with here ... her face finally cleared up, so she actually looks the best she's ever looked.
(Note: That last statement reminds me of something my buddy Worm said in college when we were talking about a chunky girl on our hall — one of her friends had said how this girl had lost 15 pounds and the Worm quickly responded, "Oh good, only 40 more to go." High comedy. You had to be there. By the way, I'm babbling...
**** Caveman #1: "The WTA doesn't let Aranxta raise trophies after she wins tournaments due to her McHale-like armpit-hair."
JENNIFER CAPRIATI — C-plusShe should have a tattoo of a suitcase on her right arm, because this gal's got baggage! ... not only did she have a serious drug problem, but you just KNOW she did some bizarre things when she was in her "Sidney from Melrose Place" stage a few years back (I'm still waiting for the secret Capriati porn tape to show up at Tower Records, ala Tonya Harding) ... one of my buddies in the know swears that Capriati had a breast reduction, so we're going to have to dock her grade just on rumor alone ... basically, she's starting off with a C before we even evaluate her ... and I think her features are a little rough ... on the other hand, she's probably the most fun girl on the tour to go out drinking with, so that brings her up to a C-plus.
**** Caveman #2: "Like every drug girl in college, slightly overweight but still cute enough to take advantage of for a one-nighter. Thighs show the effect of many nights with the munchies, but return to the game could work in her favor, as long as she doesn't start sniffing the lines or smoking the grass at Wimbledon."
― omar little, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:22 (twelve years ago) link
THE WILLIAMS SISTERS — B-minusCall me crazy, but I think they're cute in an Amazon kinda way ... any man who hasn't thought about being in the middle of a Williams sister sandwich is lying, plain and simple ... then again, I also think Chamique Holdsclaw is cute ...then again, I think almost everyone is cute ... one of those cases were the sum is much greater than the parts... and let's be honest, the beads thing is pretty kinky ... Serena's body is right out of a porno movie (she's on the Frank Drebin team) ... they're also a tad surly, which can always be fun after a few drinks ... one drawback: a domineering father.
**** Caveman #1: "Venus is just scary. Anyone that confident, big and strong would reduce any man to a quivering mass of blubbering flesh. Serena's better looking, and since she has the second child thing going on, she'd probably go the extra mile to get the job done for her man
**** Caveman #2: "Both of them make a lotta noise, if you get my drift. Hey now."
― omar little, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:23 (twelve years ago) link
AMELIA MURESMA — F-minusAs Austin Powers once said, "She's a man, baby!" ... in fact, Martina Hingis remarked that the French-born Muresma was "half-man" during the 1998 U.S. Open, which infuriated French fans and caused Hingis to get booed all through last year's French Open ... Amelia's just terrifying ... every time she makes the semifinals of a major, she has a "Latrell Sprewell in the NBA Finals" effect on the ratings ... a "Saturday Night Live" skit waiting to happen, ala Janet Reno.
**** Caveman #1: "AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH!"
**** Caveman #2: "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH!"
MONICA SELES — DAlways looks like she hasn't showered in about five days ... used to be much cuter a few years ago, before she was stabbed in the back ... lately she looks like she's been hanging around the buffet table with Billie Jean King ... she might want to consider looser clothing (nothing worse than a top-ranked tennis player with a front-butt) ... on the bright side, she makes an astounding amount of noise ... there isn't a man alive who hasn't mulled her over after one of her yelping forehands.
**** Caveman #1: "You get the feeling her breasts hang down like fire hoses when she doesn't have a bra on.
**** Caveman #2: "Not a good potential date because she would probably eat so much you'd go broke."
you know, there was a link to the article upthread...
― EZ Snappin, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:25 (twelve years ago) link
(nothing worse than a top-ranked tennis player with a front-butt)
I agree that this is the worst thing
― lag∞n, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:26 (twelve years ago) link
btw bill was a notably worse writer back then huh
― lag∞n, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:27 (twelve years ago) link
any man who hasn't thought about being in the middle of a Williams sister sandwich is lying, plain and simple
I don't often fantasize about being crushed to death but I guess this wouldn't be a bad way to go
― frogs you are the dumbest asshole (frogbs), Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:27 (twelve years ago) link
didn't see that link, oh well...
― omar little, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:27 (twelve years ago) link
uhhh not really, no
― frogs you are the dumbest asshole (frogbs), Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:28 (twelve years ago) link
yah totally, blatantly
― lag∞n, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:29 (twelve years ago) link
yeah he was
― J0rdan S., Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:30 (twelve years ago) link
is the "caveman 1" and "caveman 2" thing like anonymous reader submissions or like the pure id of bill simmons presented in a way that makes him feel better
i think by merely toning down his misogyny from tucker max levels to beer commercial levels he's become a better writer. i mean i think he's mostly tedious now but better without a doubt.
― omar little, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:31 (twelve years ago) link
stuff like this aside, the only time in which Bill was really tolerable was before the Red Sox won in 2004; haven't you read any of his recent stuff? like his 20 page opus on why there can only be 15 movie stars at one time, how none of them can be women, and how Ryan Reynolds is definitely not one of them?
― frogs you are the dumbest asshole (frogbs), Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:31 (twelve years ago) link
maybe it's "cousin sal" and "jacko" xpost
― omar little, Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:32 (twelve years ago) link
Note: That last statement reminds me of something my buddy Worm said in college when we were talking about a chunky girl on our hall — one of her friends had said how this girl had lost 15 pounds and the Worm quickly responded, "Oh good, only 40 more to go." High comedy. You had to be there.
good thing he qualified that statement...I was thinking..."40 more...what? What is he talking about?" I guess I had to be there...
― frogs you are the dumbest asshole (frogbs), Thursday, 26 January 2012 19:34 (twelve years ago) link
Somehow the result of the Grantland experiment is that now I never, ever read Simmons (or listen to his podcasts), whereas before I read/listened him pretty much every week. Not sure why that is.
― polyphonic, Thursday, 26 January 2012 20:53 (twelve years ago) link
i think a lot of that is because his articles come out at like 3 PM on a Friday and i'm usually done for the week by then. not really a prime spot for a writer.
― frogs you are the dumbest asshole (frogbs), Thursday, 26 January 2012 21:01 (twelve years ago) link
out of sight (espn.com), out of mind
― joepa mi pinga (am0n), Thursday, 26 January 2012 21:02 (twelve years ago) link
http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7503780/the-return-young-jeezy
? ! ?
― san lazaro, Thursday, 26 January 2012 22:12 (twelve years ago) link
http://a.espncdn.com/i/columnists/barshad_amos_m.jpg? http://a.espncdn.com/i/columnists/barshad_amos_m.jpg! http://a.espncdn.com/i/columnists/barshad_amos_m.jpg?
― joepa mi pinga (am0n), Thursday, 26 January 2012 22:23 (twelve years ago) link
removing the bookmark from this thread so I'm never reminded of what a revolting shithead bill simmons is
― oneohtrix and park (m bison), Thursday, 26 January 2012 23:38 (twelve years ago) link