what's happening to our borad TMI

rub some coconut oil on it

coconut oil is a miracle cure-all

almost

9 months growing future ilxors

"he has his father's gifs"

that's kind of a catch-22. "I'll just rub this oil on my... oh boy, that isn't helping"

just talk to markers while you do it, should keep anything from arising.

. . .

markers, I may need yr phone number should this need occur this year

;)

it's 911

that's good. it's tricky to dial more than three digits with all this coconut oil on my fingers

wtf, get someone else to rub coconut oil in it, smh

was wrested from my slumber last night by an excruciating bout of proctalgia fugax. pacing the floor like a sick dog, trying to stretch it out. took some benedryl in the hope it would simply render me unconscious and duumb to the pain. things eventually settled down while drinking a glass of milk and I went back t8o bed. this used to be rare, but now occurs about once every two months.

Oh shit, that's what that is?

It is recurrent and there is also no known cure.

Oh.

:(

That little discovery combined with a theory from my doctor that my recurrent choking might be cricopharyngeal spasm- which is apparently treated by JABBING A NEEDLE FULL OF BOTOX INTO THE NECK JESUS CHRIST- makes me feel like my body is completely falling apart.

have u tried 'poppers'

Since they're the kind of drugs you get from other people, as opposed to the kind you get prescribed because you're paralyzed with anxiety at the thought of interacting with other people, no. Every so often I think about trying pot for the crushing social phobia, realize I have no idea how to get it or really what to do with it once I have it, and go back to my Ativan and agoraphobic weekends and malfunctioning esophagus.

Yeah, as my display name shows I was hilariously looking at the poppers article on wikipedia. Apparently an effect is the relaxation of the rectal muscles. um, side note.

good luck 2 ur anus

Last night I dreamt that I took two enormous craps that were actually songs from Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. One was angular and resembled both a music note and a saxophone: this one was "Money". The other was shaped like a huge, overstuffed burrito: this was "Us and Them". I had the damnedest time flushing them.

Is it weird that I'm kinda jealous of your dream?

"'Listen son', said the man with the gun, 'there's room for you inside'."

"Don't give me that do-goody-good bulllllshit."

i went through like a month long period of exercising a lot more and masterbating a lot less and feeling terrific. and then it got cold and it switched and now i feel rubbish and lethargic. guess i just need warmer running clothes? and a chastity belt, idk.

The "rubbish and lethargic" part sounds like it has more to do with the lack of exercise than the surplus of masturbation. And I've never thought of exercising and masturbation as mutually exclusive activities.

(I think you can even do both at the same time.)

jerk it so much, yo, they call me Han Solo

i did go on a double date a few weeks ago. I did not get a second date.

(I wasn't real broken up about it)

Last night I ordered a bar appetizer of tater tots, and ate the whole damn thing myself. It was a HUGE basket of tater tots, with some kind of queso-ish dipping sauce. We're talking like 2000 calories without leaving the chair.

All day today, I paid for it. Jesus god, the grease. So much grease. So much gas. So many dark rumblings from below. So many trips to the toilet. Don't eat a pound of tater tots by yourself. Just don't ever do it.

Eeep.

I hope you're feeling better now.

I call a pound of tater tots with queso "a good start"

"...toward morbid obesity."

morbidity is the goal, queso is the field

I hope I never get accustomed to eating that much food at once. I hope it always makes me sick. It that ever becomes a comfortable amount of food for me, I will have developed a true problem.

And, yes, I am feeling perfectly fine now. Thank you, Christine.

Grease shits are terrifying.

^^^new board description

- would no longer describe the terms me & the ex-bf are on as "friendly" - entirely my doing
- trying to decide if i regret that or not
- not flatulent, but was for a few days
- flatulence and ex-bf sitch are unrelated iirc

- flatulence and ex-bf sitch are unrelated

Are you absolutely sure?

it is possible

an ex-friend of mine told me she used to dump men for farting.

I thought she was kidding, until I realized later that she was the antichrist, or if not, at least his niece.

I think my husband and I stopped holding it in around each other sometime around the third or fourth month of our relationship.

one of my exes had a notorious stomach prob and used to be embarrassed and scurry away when she was...ahem...breaking wind. finally one night she couldn't escape and let out an audible, quiet fart, and she was turning beet red. I told her to relax, and that it was cute.

in short, you know you're in love when you think your partner's farts are cute.

So, I'm finally getting back to my normal levels of horniness, and my husband just has to throw his back out. Shit.

The ratio of my audible farts vs. my wife's has to be something along the lines of 75:1.

yeah, me too. i'm convinced that if it weren't for the audibility, the quantity might be closer to 2:1, but i'll never know because gf is all coy about it.

one thing you may rest assured of on iltmi: if the subject is farts, Neanderthal is up for the discussion

glad as always to oblige my friends and neighbors. plus, they say "write what you know", so....

true fact: once i accidentally ate a bunch of bread dough. i had the worst gas in the history of gas, just a consistent rumble-tum-tumbling that lasted for hours and didn't smell... normal? ...? human...?...farty? it had kind of a sweet, hoppy, vaguely medicinal characteristic that wasn't even immediately identifiable as flatulance. in addition to being painful, this yeast-gas was inconvenient. i was hosting some out-of-town friends on a jaunt to the Getty museum, and actually succeeded in clearing out a few galleries during our visit. On the way home we were stuck in traffic, and my poor friends were trapped with me in a Corolla on the 405 for the better part of two hours while I blew malign gale-force wind on the minute.

hoppy

OMG YOU WERE FARTING PALE ALES?

I was farting a high wind to jamaica

I'm gonna be honest here. It's probably more like 350:1.