ILF trolls of the future

hate to say i told le saux -- controversial poster who insists on trying to relate football with landfill indie in every post. once had a trial with the cribs.

heil heil the celts are here- less said bout this guy the better

Venkytimest - curious and yet enthusiastic American ILM newbie who moves over to ILF in January 2012 with a "Which EPL team should I support?" poll. When Blackburn Rovers when the obvious wind-up vote, with posters arguing they will swiftly become the next Man City, he gamely joins in, passionately learning the history of the club and getting 'GAMST' tattooed on his back. A string of terrible Blackburn results follows and he realises he's been had, posting 'CUNTS! CUNTS! CUUUUUUUUUNTS!!!!!' repeatedly on football threads until such point as he is banned. Online news reports later confirm he drove his car over a bridge following Blackburn's relegation in May 2012, causing the deletion of ILF.

rip

KING_KEITH - morbidly obese Newcastle fan who become a genuine Youtube sensation after being filmed dancing shirtless to 'Mr Boombastic' in a town centre chain pub, his lack of shirt of course revealing black and white tattoos that end just below his pendulous tits. ILX comments range from "this man is a modern day hero" to "I can literally not see any point to him existing", the latter makes him so angry when he self-Googles that he registers and subjects the posting community to a barrage of all caps abuse. Curiously, continues to make sporadic, less aggressive though no-less-illiterate posts on the Premiership thread before becoming a beloved ILE and ILM cult figure and eventually moving to London and sharing a house with l0u1s jagg3r.

rip

Bou Radley - affable South Londoner whose sly wit and cheerful demeanour quickly make him a favourite of the board's regulars. Becomes the source of growing discomfort and eventually horror when his increasingly frequent posts to the ILE "what do you look like" thread are noticed to contain a lifesize cardboard cutout of Hamer Bouazza visible in the background, with the eyes hacked out and an increasingly grisly series of simulated mutilations to its face. He attends a "FAP" unannounced and after an otherwise pleasant evening is later ejected from the venue after suddenly overturning a table and repeatedly screaming "BOUAZZA DIE SOON". He is quietly permabanned from the site and moderators set up an autofilter so that any subsequent mention of his username is replaced with the phrase "stop being a dick", but an innocent reference to Bouazza's 2013 transfer from Millwall to Leyton Orient on that season's Football League thread causes a well known poster to suffer a nervous breakdown.

Gorgeous George - Amy Chetwynd, 23, a trainee geriatric nurse from Minehead is initially welcomed for her incisive tactical analysis but polarises the ILF board after posting a series of meticulous, inventive slash fictions pairing occasional Wolves full-back George Elokobi with a range of notable figures, including Magyar strongman Steve Hargitay, Claus von Bulow and Syama Prasad Mukherjee, founder of the BJP. Opinion is divided between those who view the spicy tales as inappropriate for a football-themed forum and those who believe the work’s undeniable literary and erotic merit deserves free reign. Compromise is found in a dedicated I Love George Elokobi board.

Chetwynd, who self-identifies as asexual, claims to obtain no personal gratification from the activity, preferring to view the stories as “thought experiments”. After two and a half years, in which she receives and turns down offers of commissions from The Guardian and Village Voice, as well as an ‘editor-at-large’ role at Shoot magazine, she disappears. Although attempts to trace her prove fruitless, her Fantasy Football team continues to dominate the ILX league until Elokobi’s retirement to become a quantity surveyor some years later.

Ferdy Zac Shaun - Semi-reclusive armchair fan who provides each Saturday evening a peculiarly earnest summary of the day's footballing events. Attempts to rile him into posting more frequently than his weekly 600-word spiel (always optimistically located on the 'football journalism' thread) prove futile, and instead the ILFraternity conspires to ascertain which team Ferdy supports. Eventually it is determined that Aldershot Town feature in virtually every report, regardless of the mundanity of their result, but as soon as this is pointed out on the thread, they are never mentioned again, although one smart alec observes much later on that Bournemouth Town are only ever mentioned whenever they lose by three or more clear goals. Ferdy never does get his big break, but his presence is cherished by all who never had gotten round to finding out how Hayes & Yeading were coping with the burden of expectation.

det huibschinden verklompf -- subject of repeated complaints from de subjectivisten who allege that they post in a nonsense language which resembles but isn't actually dutch. since nobody else can confirm this, dhv is allowed to remain and eventually migrates to ilf. starts a thread about the flemish regional leagues which initially amuses but is then ignored completely, though when clicked on accidentally by a hoy hoy some 10 months later it is found to contain 365gb of megaupload horseporn links and fourteen instances of incitement to religious hatred.

orsonwellesclapping.gif

darraghmac - elderly irish poster who registers for ILF in february 2053. initially hamstrung by his haphazard vietnamese and total ignorance of the subject of fabergé eggs, darraghmac is cautiously indulged despite his coarse and prejudicial views towards silicon based lifeforms. while insisting that he has never had any interest in or knowledge of fabergé eggs, he tells yarns about a mythical predecessor of ILF where snarky english people argued about the merits of soccerball players and provided an early platform for experimental novelist and 2034 ordre des artes et des lettres inductee phil mcnulty.

canada fuck -- longtime vancouver whitecaps fan posts a series of scurrilous exposés of whitecaps players, including troubling allegations of holocaust denial, wire fraud and satanic ritual abuse. lurid rhetorical flourishes suggestive of beckford and de quincey entrap and begin to convince ILF and Ismael Klata offers to help with unearthing the vile crimes. eventually a description of nigel reo-coker shitting in a 14 year old's mouth before setting her on fire leads to a defamation suit from the former england u-21 international and the sordid trolling is revealed to be the work of an embittered aston villa fan who promptly slits his wrists and bleeds to death in his solihull bedsit.

cis male - BATE Borisov fan whose initial posts are a mixture of agitating for a unified post-Soviet football league and vile abuse directed at Belarus' small transgendered community. Later produces an astonishingly complex spreadsheet listing every professional player in the country and ranking them on their likelihood of being homosexual - using criteria including 'is not a Slav', 'has a fancy name', 'has been pictured wearing pink', 'suspiciously shiny teeth' and 'does not play for BATE Borisov' to determine this. Spreadsheet is sent to Alexander Lukashenko with a request that FC Gomel defender Ezequiel Palomeque be deported immediately. A scanned copy of Lukashenko's letter of response, promising to review the evidence and consider the matter, is posted as a final crowning victory before he is banned by the moderators.

Rhys -- single issue poster whose heartfelt 'Who are the Real Fascists?' thread excoriates Gareth Bale for joining Real Madrid. Doxxed by deems as a former Swansea University geography student and editorial board member of UniLad. Unrepentant yet evasive, he advocates 'a properly progressive banter' and leaves the 'embittered and unengaged' ILX to write a series of thoughtful and engaged Comment is Free posts concerning the plague of steroid abuse in the Valleys and the progressive values embodied in the work of Malky Mackay and Biffy Clyro. Later appointed as Andy Burnham's Youth Tsar.

Transfer Deadline Dre -- heteronymous account that posts a series ITK updates concerning imminent transfers while signing off all their posts with an image of poochy from the simpsons. challenges a hoy hoy to an online poker deathmatch after a series of arguments about the plausbility of tim howard's move to cska moscow before being banned after excoriating several posters in the autogoon thread for their 'cracker a$$ phaggotry.'

be my bb - passionate tunisian fc barcelona b fan who praises the purity of spanish lower division football and expresses a curious pathological hatred of the 'venal, satanic' primera division. her knowledge of la liga adelante and spanish youth football development awes ilf but she causes bemusement and disgust by revealing her ignorance of tito vilanova's passing and claiming that tito has been dead to her since leaving his role with fc barcelona b in 2008. later self-immolates in a vimeo clip when jean-marie dongou makes his camp nou debut.

This thread is so amazing when drunk

spazzmatavž -- ilx v2 grandee 'bosko' returns for a sadly less than triumphant second tenure, this time repeat posting tim matavž' stats for his troubled 2007/8 season at nd gorica, gaining a renewed clique of admirers for his what dog latin describes as 'spazztastic high-concept meta chicanery' before alienating them with a series of slurs against cerebral palsy sufferers and increasingly deranged blood libels against the slovenian and croat nations

HOLTY, HOLTY IT'S GAZZA -- Sir Lansbury's troll account for posting parodies of 'fat lumpen chavspud' GRANT HOLT, who initially reacts with good humour before determining that the insinuations of wife-beating and roid abuse are 'well out of order'

― diouf est le papa du foot galsen merde lè haters (nakhchivan), Monday, September 19, 2011 8:56 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

https://twitter.com/Grantholt31/status/423567603689611264

lol

:D

Grant holt ‏@Grantholt31

Good morning people last game of the season for villa today so hopefully take all 3 points and finish on a high.

twinyavb ‏@BTwiny May 11

@Grantholt31 please don't return bk to villa your dog shit your not fit to wear the claret and blue

a properly progressive banter

Bruno Martins Indigo Girl - not really thought this through tbh.

https://twitter.com/BeyondTLM/status/546338679342776320

^^ new board description - seemingly automated catastrophe that initially occurs on ILF and then posts "^^ new board description" in response to every single new post on ilxor.com for eight continuous weeks, somehow withstanding all attempts to ban the account; after the turnover of new posts has decreased to a feeble, traumatised trickle, the entity ultimately disappears without fanfare, nearly every board description having been inexplicably changed to say "^^ new board description" on its final night of activity

the board description for I LOVE CRICKET: THE CHINATOWN OF ILX still just says DUMPLINGS!

its like the g ceara of message board posting

^^ new board description

abu akbar al-turikani -- volatile expatriate poster who joins ilf hoping to a find a supplier who can ship a carlos edwards 2007-08 player issue shirt to mosul. traditionalist views on apostasy and the doctrinal legitimacy of polygamous marriages with war orphans divide ilx, some expressing strong dissent while others defending it as a legitimate expression of the suppressed culture of north-east england. sudden sabbatical related by some posters to an f-15 strike in anbar province that reportedly destroyed seventeen armoured vehicles and a rare collection of wings memorabilia.

The Shawcross Redemption - shadowy poster who hints that they may be a former professional whilst posting increasingly threatening demands for Ryan Shawcross to be picked for England

Marcelo Carlino -- volatile south american poster who delights ilx with photos of his pugs and capybaras playing together in his private lake. migrates to ILF, posting broken english dismissals of every post in 'the nascent appeal of managerial competency' accompanied with grainy photos of his desk covered in hundreds of tactical diagrams. leaves abruptly and without explanation; references to marseille, the basque country and a trip to south wales in late 2015 are later pieced together by darraghmac to indicate a role in a global jesuitical conspiracy.

daddy's little girl -- embittered liverpool fan who registers and posts predominantly on the subject of jamie vardy's move to arsenal using a repeating cycle of JME lyrics and pictures of soiled wedding dresses. defended from accusations of triteness and creepiness by ilxor imago on the grounds that ILF 'could use some female presence tbh' until found to be a prototype chatbot from vardy's luxembourg based ChatShitGetBanged AG natural language processing lab.

Emmanuel Frimpong - actually Emmanuel Frimpong.

grey mad professor pierre van hooijdonk and Roy poly ' I bought a pub' rafael van de vaart on my stream for the dutch

― Swanswans, Sunday, 13 June 2021 18:36 (fifteen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Roy Poly - publican and record-collector who pretends to be Rafael Van De Vaart for an entire half-season. Fond of posting about his alternative lifestyle choices to the Champions League thread. Rumbled when the real Van De Vaart is revealed to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship with a princess

this and wisdom of gaffers are my favourite ilf, well ilx tbh, threads. had forgotten about nakh's 'hate to say I told let saux'

le seux