ILF trolls of the future

Bordesley Blue - hilarious, monosyllabic parody of an unintelligent Birmingham City season ticket holder. Has forgotten his previous identity four months in and is arrested for a string of public order offences. Kills several women while on bail.

Joe Pavey - his real name. Approx 1 in 3 of his posts are him pointing out that he is not the female long-distance runner Jo Pavey. Gradually builds up a cult following before finally starting his first thread on the eve of the 2015/16 season, a poll in which he invites ILF users to pick the next England manager from a list that includes Ian Holloway three times.

Karolina_Käse -- popular twitter account in austria that 'translates/transfigures' caroline cheese's bbc liveblog updates into gnomic nonsense poems in the style of kurt schwitters. the anonymous collective behind the twitter feed briefly posts to the ILF nult threads with impassioned scatological ramblings about mcnulty from the perspective of the semi-fictional fraulein käse.

sue burkha -- kinda boring PSG fan who argues constantly with Jibe about the merits of gourcuff and pastore. becomes increasingly erratic and degenerates into incoherent rage against the french government's minorities policy on every thread.

dan passimento- northampton fan who can't understand why he gets instabanned after his debut post and never returns.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_TYtL3iq-5_8/SSyOd6vchYI/AAAAAAAADBI/uEBCG7SIaMY/s320/guy+incognito.jpg

HUGGLEZ - feral antipodean West Brom fan with inexplicably deep knowledge of the intricacies of the Midlands - suggest banned twice after a grueling campaign of all caps gay jokes and N-bombs before unexpectedly settling into a pattern of comically earnest political posts and poignant self portrait shots posted to the "what do you look like" thread - later marries an ILX poster

is that a dig at me?

SHOOT YOU DOWN - angry and combative Mancunian poster whose main contribution to threads is to endlessly retell the story about the time he followed Wes Brown, John O'Shea and Johnny Evans around a golf course in Cheshire and how they're sound lads and we're all fucking idiots who don't know what we're talking about. Cross-trolls on ILM with a succession of IAN BROWN IS GOD threads.

Igor - incurably morose, Igor is primarily motivated by hatred for the lazy, feckless individuals populating the Russian Premier League and the undeserving inheritors of Rurik's mantle in the national side. Nevertheless, Igor responds to anyone else's slights on same with encyclopaedic invective, which reaches a peak in April as the bloodletting and scapegoating following Arsenal's relegation is met with 100,000 words of impassioned boilerplate encompassing British meddling in late Tsarist times, the inalienable right to self-determination of the South Ossetian people, and how it was Van Persie's job to have tracked back for Arshavin before Swansea's crucial fifth goal.

Igor implodes when Russia are denied a place at Euro 2012 by a blatant handball goal by Shane Long in Ireland's final group game.

Happily, he makes a triumphant reappearance in May 2013 after a Messi/Ronaldo masterclass sees Anzhi Makhachkala destroy City in the Champions League final, proving that Russia is the greatest nation in the world and that, given the budget, Sam Allardyce was a world-beater all along.

Happily, he makes a triumphant reappearance in May 2013 after a Messi/Ronaldo masterclass sees Anzhi Makhachkala destroy City in the Champions League final, proving that Russia is the greatest nation in the world and that, given the budget, Sam Allardyce was a world-beater all along.

Still laughing!

Would follow Karolina_Käse.

Barry Beane - Stoke-based would-be sabremetrician. Posts vast info-dumps minutely detailing the statistical supremacy of Pulisball after every stage of the Potters' ineluctable progress to the 2012 Europa final. Ill-judged use of the term "multifinality" after their ultimate loss to FC Metalist Kharkiv prompts the return of much-missed Pomey-partisan DJ Martian, who vanquishes Beane with a pitiless display of Systems Thinking.

All this thread proves is that if DJ Martian didn't exist someone would have had to invent him.

DJ Marshawn -- NFL running back and sometime bloghouse DJ marshawn lynch tries manfully to take an interest in soccer, leaves after a fortnight because ILF posters insist on reposting his every message in block caps interspersed with cybernetics jargon.

This is the kind of thread that redeeems ILX

michel blanc- louche francophone psg fan who spices up his posts with earthy gouts of ingerlish (picked up by listening to mick mccarthy standing too close to byline mics) when excited. Discovers iltmi in August 2012, whence his prudish nature forces him to self-ban

harpenden tits -- controversial login of 29 year old hertfordshire tax accountant and rabid tottenham fan rav 'tits' chakravorty. initially welcomed and hommaged by darraghmac with the displayname 'harpenden tits bramble', rav becomes ILF's most knowledgeable, witty and insightful spurs poster. begins to attract more and more vitriol until a concerted campaign of threats, abuse and sugbans drive the 'creepily misogynist cumdog' from the boards, despite an open letter from his client laurie penny affirming rav's feminist bona fides.

love that guy so fukn much come back to us rav

Stern Stern John - claims to be lackadaisical Trini striker born again after discovering 'de fyah ah de lord' following extensive conversations with Marvin Andrews. Splits his time between using terse, literalist interpretations of biblical passages to explain Birmingham City's off-the-field woes and offering disciplinarian child-rearing advice on I Love People-Making. Board members suspicious of his inconsistent patois are unsurprised when he is exposed as a fraud, following the real Stern John's arrest, alongside Dwight Yorke, for attempting to smuggle amyl nitrate and two under-age Belarussians into Abu Dhabi.

Cursory Googling reveals him to be Roger Walton, 47, a roofer from Morecambe who has been living as 'Stern John' for four years. It's a crushing blow to partially-sighted wife Martha, son Stern and daughter Sterne. Disappearing shortly afterwards, a tear-stained note is found on Morecambe pier reading simply "with his talent and my iron will, we could have made the world tremble before us".

^

word for word what i was about to type

chicharito #9 los markers -- enterprising ilxor 'markers' sells franchise rights to forum users worldwide, including this enigmatic $35 parody account that posts updates on overseas mexican footballers in broken english. cautiously indulged by ilx and described by mark g as 'julio geordio for the ipad generation', C9LM is suggest banned for spamming 77 with indecipherable wingdings posts. later transpires that the account was a front for a logistics officer in the sinaloa cartel and the deletion of encrypted dropoff co-ordinates led to the interception of 346kg of pure cocaine and the summary execution of eleven drug couriers.

DAPPY4REALNOREGRETS - Dappy from N-Dubz is introduced to ILX backstage at V2012 by long-time ILTMI lurker The Bass Player Out Of Scouting For Girls. He posts once on ILF, telling Ailsa to fuck off after she posts a gif of Kenny Miller falling down a well.

Red Buttons -- hardline Liverpool fan who blames everything that's gone wrong with the club on Souness not being given time to complete his project, having been undermined by a shadowy conspiracy of international Zionists and Craig Johnston's extended family for reasons which are never fully explained. SB'd for following any mention of Kenny Dalglish with the same gif of Ian McShane playing Judas in the 70s mini-series Jesus of Nazareth

lauren iro - sockpuppet created by the pinefox in a vain attempt to nudge rtc over the SB threshold.

Graz_Entertainment - hyperenthusiastic and tbh slightly creepy mitteleuropean poster debuts with a splash next week through his 'Never Mind The Red Bullocks - Weiner Neustadt won't win the Austrian Bundesliga 2011/12'. Not one to admit defeat, he notches up 847 unanswered posts through to the end of November before pandemic takes pity on him and streams Mattersburg v Wacker Innsbruck late one Tuesday. To pandemic's surprise, the quality is astonishing, Wacker's Luka's Hinterseer sealing a 3-2 win late on via a backheel rabona from his own half.

It turns out Austria's international performance over the past two decades has been a smokescreen to protect the tactical leaps and innovations in technique hothoused domestically for the highest stakes before rabid crowds. Word gets around, sonderangerbot even going so far as to attend February's Vienna derby, won when Stefan Kulowitz ears in a swerving screamer from outside the box in injury time.

By March the entirety of ILX's football chat has migrated to the thread, now including dozens of regular ilxors who previously wouldn't've touched football with a bargepole - even some girls. The season culminates in the inaugural ILF awayday to Salzburg, where against the odds Weiner Neustadt do clinch the title amid incredible scenes. At least two posters never return, setting up home there so as to never miss a kick again.

Alas, all does not end happily for Graz_Entertainment - on top of the humiliation of Weiner winning the league after all, Sturm turn out to be merely the tenth most brilliant team in Austria and are relegated. He relocates to spam politics and conspiracy theory threads instead, before fatal indecision sees him selected as mod in dubious circumstances. He uses his new powers to takeover De Subjectivisten and several other, weaker boards, and is only repulsed from ILM itself in an epic struggle. Thereafter restricted to the 'Ask Graz_Entertainment' thread, he eventually self-permabans in pathetic circumstances. Some wag attempts a Downfall youtube, but it's hardly worth it.

i laughed, i cried

bravo

Best thread ever! <3 you guys.

bradley_out -- High-count poster from BigS0ccer US nat'l team forum who comes across ILF while Googling for obscure hyphenated Americans plying their trades in smaller leagues abroad. Most posts are directly c/p'd from BS about the lack of quality in MLS and how much he hates El Tri. Leaves in frustration after failing to understand repeated inside jokes about Spurs.

tbh there probably is a poster on bs with the sn bradley_out

The Stringer Bell Stand -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utTADVjq9l4

hate to say i told le saux -- controversial poster who insists on trying to relate football with landfill indie in every post. once had a trial with the cribs.

heil heil the celts are here- less said bout this guy the better

Venkytimest - curious and yet enthusiastic American ILM newbie who moves over to ILF in January 2012 with a "Which EPL team should I support?" poll. When Blackburn Rovers when the obvious wind-up vote, with posters arguing they will swiftly become the next Man City, he gamely joins in, passionately learning the history of the club and getting 'GAMST' tattooed on his back. A string of terrible Blackburn results follows and he realises he's been had, posting 'CUNTS! CUNTS! CUUUUUUUUUNTS!!!!!' repeatedly on football threads until such point as he is banned. Online news reports later confirm he drove his car over a bridge following Blackburn's relegation in May 2012, causing the deletion of ILF.

rip

KING_KEITH - morbidly obese Newcastle fan who become a genuine Youtube sensation after being filmed dancing shirtless to 'Mr Boombastic' in a town centre chain pub, his lack of shirt of course revealing black and white tattoos that end just below his pendulous tits. ILX comments range from "this man is a modern day hero" to "I can literally not see any point to him existing", the latter makes him so angry when he self-Googles that he registers and subjects the posting community to a barrage of all caps abuse. Curiously, continues to make sporadic, less aggressive though no-less-illiterate posts on the Premiership thread before becoming a beloved ILE and ILM cult figure and eventually moving to London and sharing a house with l0u1s jagg3r.

rip

Bou Radley - affable South Londoner whose sly wit and cheerful demeanour quickly make him a favourite of the board's regulars. Becomes the source of growing discomfort and eventually horror when his increasingly frequent posts to the ILE "what do you look like" thread are noticed to contain a lifesize cardboard cutout of Hamer Bouazza visible in the background, with the eyes hacked out and an increasingly grisly series of simulated mutilations to its face. He attends a "FAP" unannounced and after an otherwise pleasant evening is later ejected from the venue after suddenly overturning a table and repeatedly screaming "BOUAZZA DIE SOON". He is quietly permabanned from the site and moderators set up an autofilter so that any subsequent mention of his username is replaced with the phrase "stop being a dick", but an innocent reference to Bouazza's 2013 transfer from Millwall to Leyton Orient on that season's Football League thread causes a well known poster to suffer a nervous breakdown.

Gorgeous George - Amy Chetwynd, 23, a trainee geriatric nurse from Minehead is initially welcomed for her incisive tactical analysis but polarises the ILF board after posting a series of meticulous, inventive slash fictions pairing occasional Wolves full-back George Elokobi with a range of notable figures, including Magyar strongman Steve Hargitay, Claus von Bulow and Syama Prasad Mukherjee, founder of the BJP. Opinion is divided between those who view the spicy tales as inappropriate for a football-themed forum and those who believe the work’s undeniable literary and erotic merit deserves free reign. Compromise is found in a dedicated I Love George Elokobi board.

Chetwynd, who self-identifies as asexual, claims to obtain no personal gratification from the activity, preferring to view the stories as “thought experiments”. After two and a half years, in which she receives and turns down offers of commissions from The Guardian and Village Voice, as well as an ‘editor-at-large’ role at Shoot magazine, she disappears. Although attempts to trace her prove fruitless, her Fantasy Football team continues to dominate the ILX league until Elokobi’s retirement to become a quantity surveyor some years later.

Ferdy Zac Shaun - Semi-reclusive armchair fan who provides each Saturday evening a peculiarly earnest summary of the day's footballing events. Attempts to rile him into posting more frequently than his weekly 600-word spiel (always optimistically located on the 'football journalism' thread) prove futile, and instead the ILFraternity conspires to ascertain which team Ferdy supports. Eventually it is determined that Aldershot Town feature in virtually every report, regardless of the mundanity of their result, but as soon as this is pointed out on the thread, they are never mentioned again, although one smart alec observes much later on that Bournemouth Town are only ever mentioned whenever they lose by three or more clear goals. Ferdy never does get his big break, but his presence is cherished by all who never had gotten round to finding out how Hayes & Yeading were coping with the burden of expectation.

det huibschinden verklompf -- subject of repeated complaints from de subjectivisten who allege that they post in a nonsense language which resembles but isn't actually dutch. since nobody else can confirm this, dhv is allowed to remain and eventually migrates to ilf. starts a thread about the flemish regional leagues which initially amuses but is then ignored completely, though when clicked on accidentally by a hoy hoy some 10 months later it is found to contain 365gb of megaupload horseporn links and fourteen instances of incitement to religious hatred.

orsonwellesclapping.gif

darraghmac - elderly irish poster who registers for ILF in february 2053. initially hamstrung by his haphazard vietnamese and total ignorance of the subject of fabergé eggs, darraghmac is cautiously indulged despite his coarse and prejudicial views towards silicon based lifeforms. while insisting that he has never had any interest in or knowledge of fabergé eggs, he tells yarns about a mythical predecessor of ILF where snarky english people argued about the merits of soccerball players and provided an early platform for experimental novelist and 2034 ordre des artes et des lettres inductee phil mcnulty.

canada fuck -- longtime vancouver whitecaps fan posts a series of scurrilous exposés of whitecaps players, including troubling allegations of holocaust denial, wire fraud and satanic ritual abuse. lurid rhetorical flourishes suggestive of beckford and de quincey entrap and begin to convince ILF and Ismael Klata offers to help with unearthing the vile crimes. eventually a description of nigel reo-coker shitting in a 14 year old's mouth before setting her on fire leads to a defamation suit from the former england u-21 international and the sordid trolling is revealed to be the work of an embittered aston villa fan who promptly slits his wrists and bleeds to death in his solihull bedsit.

cis male - BATE Borisov fan whose initial posts are a mixture of agitating for a unified post-Soviet football league and vile abuse directed at Belarus' small transgendered community. Later produces an astonishingly complex spreadsheet listing every professional player in the country and ranking them on their likelihood of being homosexual - using criteria including 'is not a Slav', 'has a fancy name', 'has been pictured wearing pink', 'suspiciously shiny teeth' and 'does not play for BATE Borisov' to determine this. Spreadsheet is sent to Alexander Lukashenko with a request that FC Gomel defender Ezequiel Palomeque be deported immediately. A scanned copy of Lukashenko's letter of response, promising to review the evidence and consider the matter, is posted as a final crowning victory before he is banned by the moderators.

Rhys -- single issue poster whose heartfelt 'Who are the Real Fascists?' thread excoriates Gareth Bale for joining Real Madrid. Doxxed by deems as a former Swansea University geography student and editorial board member of UniLad. Unrepentant yet evasive, he advocates 'a properly progressive banter' and leaves the 'embittered and unengaged' ILX to write a series of thoughtful and engaged Comment is Free posts concerning the plague of steroid abuse in the Valleys and the progressive values embodied in the work of Malky Mackay and Biffy Clyro. Later appointed as Andy Burnham's Youth Tsar.

Transfer Deadline Dre -- heteronymous account that posts a series ITK updates concerning imminent transfers while signing off all their posts with an image of poochy from the simpsons. challenges a hoy hoy to an online poker deathmatch after a series of arguments about the plausbility of tim howard's move to cska moscow before being banned after excoriating several posters in the autogoon thread for their 'cracker a$$ phaggotry.'

be my bb - passionate tunisian fc barcelona b fan who praises the purity of spanish lower division football and expresses a curious pathological hatred of the 'venal, satanic' primera division. her knowledge of la liga adelante and spanish youth football development awes ilf but she causes bemusement and disgust by revealing her ignorance of tito vilanova's passing and claiming that tito has been dead to her since leaving his role with fc barcelona b in 2008. later self-immolates in a vimeo clip when jean-marie dongou makes his camp nou debut.

This thread is so amazing when drunk

spazzmatavž -- ilx v2 grandee 'bosko' returns for a sadly less than triumphant second tenure, this time repeat posting tim matavž' stats for his troubled 2007/8 season at nd gorica, gaining a renewed clique of admirers for his what dog latin describes as 'spazztastic high-concept meta chicanery' before alienating them with a series of slurs against cerebral palsy sufferers and increasingly deranged blood libels against the slovenian and croat nations

HOLTY, HOLTY IT'S GAZZA -- Sir Lansbury's troll account for posting parodies of 'fat lumpen chavspud' GRANT HOLT, who initially reacts with good humour before determining that the insinuations of wife-beating and roid abuse are 'well out of order'

― diouf est le papa du foot galsen merde lè haters (nakhchivan), Monday, September 19, 2011 8:56 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

https://twitter.com/Grantholt31/status/423567603689611264

lol

:D

Grant holt ‏@Grantholt31

Good morning people last game of the season for villa today so hopefully take all 3 points and finish on a high.

twinyavb ‏@BTwiny May 11

@Grantholt31 please don't return bk to villa your dog shit your not fit to wear the claret and blue

a properly progressive banter

Bruno Martins Indigo Girl - not really thought this through tbh.

https://twitter.com/BeyondTLM/status/546338679342776320

^^ new board description - seemingly automated catastrophe that initially occurs on ILF and then posts "^^ new board description" in response to every single new post on ilxor.com for eight continuous weeks, somehow withstanding all attempts to ban the account; after the turnover of new posts has decreased to a feeble, traumatised trickle, the entity ultimately disappears without fanfare, nearly every board description having been inexplicably changed to say "^^ new board description" on its final night of activity

the board description for I LOVE CRICKET: THE CHINATOWN OF ILX still just says DUMPLINGS!

its like the g ceara of message board posting

^^ new board description

abu akbar al-turikani -- volatile expatriate poster who joins ilf hoping to a find a supplier who can ship a carlos edwards 2007-08 player issue shirt to mosul. traditionalist views on apostasy and the doctrinal legitimacy of polygamous marriages with war orphans divide ilx, some expressing strong dissent while others defending it as a legitimate expression of the suppressed culture of north-east england. sudden sabbatical related by some posters to an f-15 strike in anbar province that reportedly destroyed seventeen armoured vehicles and a rare collection of wings memorabilia.

The Shawcross Redemption - shadowy poster who hints that they may be a former professional whilst posting increasingly threatening demands for Ryan Shawcross to be picked for England

Marcelo Carlino -- volatile south american poster who delights ilx with photos of his pugs and capybaras playing together in his private lake. migrates to ILF, posting broken english dismissals of every post in 'the nascent appeal of managerial competency' accompanied with grainy photos of his desk covered in hundreds of tactical diagrams. leaves abruptly and without explanation; references to marseille, the basque country and a trip to south wales in late 2015 are later pieced together by darraghmac to indicate a role in a global jesuitical conspiracy.

daddy's little girl -- embittered liverpool fan who registers and posts predominantly on the subject of jamie vardy's move to arsenal using a repeating cycle of JME lyrics and pictures of soiled wedding dresses. defended from accusations of triteness and creepiness by ilxor imago on the grounds that ILF 'could use some female presence tbh' until found to be a prototype chatbot from vardy's luxembourg based ChatShitGetBanged AG natural language processing lab.

Emmanuel Frimpong - actually Emmanuel Frimpong.

grey mad professor pierre van hooijdonk and Roy poly ' I bought a pub' rafael van de vaart on my stream for the dutch

― Swanswans, Sunday, 13 June 2021 18:36 (fifteen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Roy Poly - publican and record-collector who pretends to be Rafael Van De Vaart for an entire half-season. Fond of posting about his alternative lifestyle choices to the Champions League thread. Rumbled when the real Van De Vaart is revealed to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship with a princess

this and wisdom of gaffers are my favourite ilf, well ilx tbh, threads. had forgotten about nakh's 'hate to say I told let saux'

le seux