A: He has a slow hand.
― Gooey Lewis, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:07 (nineteen years ago) link
A: Because he doesn't hit on anything over 16.
― Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:07 (nineteen years ago) link
A: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.....
....and Michael Jackson fucks kids.
― djdee2005 (djdee2005), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:21 (nineteen years ago) link
― ken taylrr (ken taylrr), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:26 (nineteen years ago) link
― Bruce S. Urquhart (BanjoMania), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:27 (nineteen years ago) link
― dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:38 (nineteen years ago) link
A: Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandy Duncan.
― Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:40 (nineteen years ago) link
― 6335, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:44 (nineteen years ago) link
a: michael jackson
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:21 (nineteen years ago) link
― Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:22 (nineteen years ago) link
― Duder Supreme, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:25 (nineteen years ago) link
So anyway, at the height of his fame Adam Ant visits the set of top British soap opera Coronation Street. As luck would have it, his favourite character Stan Ogden invites to come for a drink in legendary pub the Rover's Return on set. There they proceed to sink a great many pints of fine English ale. More than a little the worse for wear, Adam Ant decides to get one more round in. But as he stands up, he suddenly grips his side and starts moaning terribly. "What is it, mate?" says his companion. Adam starts singing: "Stan, it's my liver..."
/coat
― marco (marco), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:36 (nineteen years ago) link
― Colin Meeder (Mert), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:37 (nineteen years ago) link
― Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:43 (nineteen years ago) link
Karen Carpenter's dress-size.
― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:48 (nineteen years ago) link
― Michael Philip Philip Philip Annoyman (Ferg), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:51 (nineteen years ago) link
― udu wudu (udu wudu), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:14 (nineteen years ago) link
Speaking of people i'd like to pie in the face . . .
― Hurting (Hurting), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:30 (nineteen years ago) link
How how many how many minimalists how many minimalists does how many minimalists does it how many minimalists does it take how many minimalists does it take to how many minimalists does it take to change how many minimalists does it take to change a how many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
― sundar subramanian (sundar), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:43 (nineteen years ago) link
― roger adultery (roger adultery), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:25 (nineteen years ago) link
"Yep," said the doctor, "he's bats, all right."
"You've got to do something!" exclaimed the other members of the band. "Check him into the rubber room, innit?"
"I'm afraid I can't do that," said the doctor with a sad look in his eye.
"But you must!" exclaimed the band, "Otherwise we'll never get sleep again!"
"I'm afraid a higher power has forbidden it, lads." The doctor grabbed his Bible and patted it. "It says explicitly, 'Thou shalt not commit a Daltrey'."
― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:34 (nineteen years ago) link
― erik pearson (statemusic), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:44 (nineteen years ago) link
― sundar subramanian (sundar), Thursday, 30 September 2004 00:13 (nineteen years ago) link
What's yellow and lives off dead Beatles? [worse; racist]
Haha drummers aren't proper musicians [worst of all]
...
cf: I contributed to a similar thread recently and asked the readers of The Friday Thing to join in. Only I'd been duped by the editor into thinking it had a readership greater than that of a tiny college magazine (i.e. over1000) and so couldn't understand why no-one added to it. I looked a real chumpo. Writers beware!
― Acme (acme), Thursday, 30 September 2004 01:46 (nineteen years ago) link
John Lennon.
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Thursday, 30 September 2004 02:10 (nineteen years ago) link
Flick the lights on and off.
― bbc6 personality (bbc6 personality), Thursday, 30 September 2004 02:20 (nineteen years ago) link
― ken taylrr (ken taylrr), Thursday, 30 September 2004 02:49 (nineteen years ago) link
"that Sparks joke is total and utter genius. i'm laughing myself into a stupor right now. -- ken taylrr (or...), September 30th, 2004."
Sorry to piss on your parade MP, but he got it off Viz magazine.
― Sasha (sgh), Thursday, 30 September 2004 03:02 (nineteen years ago) link
― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Thursday, 30 September 2004 04:41 (nineteen years ago) link
― ken taylrr (ken taylrr), Thursday, 30 September 2004 04:56 (nineteen years ago) link
A: Militia Etheridge!
― ng, Thursday, 30 September 2004 12:14 (nineteen years ago) link
And a ladyshave for the other leg.
B'dum Tish.
― noodle vague (noodle vague), Thursday, 30 September 2004 12:25 (nineteen years ago) link
Limp Bizkit
― j c (j c), Thursday, 30 September 2004 12:35 (nineteen years ago) link
It's Christmas time, and U2 have lined up a series of enormous charity gigs. They get together on the day of the first gig to soundcheck and Bono notices that The Edge is looking a bit peaky."What's the matter The Edge?" he says.
"Ah look it's nothing Bono" says the guitarist, "It's just - you know that Japanese promotional tour we did last week, right? I think I picked up something, it might be some kind of flu, I'm feeling pretty bad."
"Well, The Edge," replies Bono, "if you want to pull out of the gigs you just say so."
Edge shakes his head. "No, no, no way Bono. These gigs are important to me - I've got to think of the children, not my aching guts."
"That's the spirit The Edge", says Bono, and so that night they take the stage. They play all the hits and the crowd are loving it. For a big climax, because it's for charity, they're going to perform "Do They Know It's Christmas?", but as they get going on the song Edge suddenly feels very ill indeed, and he turns, drops his guitar and sprints towards the back of the stage. But he doesn't quite make it and he throws up, all over Larry Mullen Jr. and his drumkit.
"Jaysis The Edge!" yells Larry, "Those are brand new drums! What the hell are you doing?"
Poor Edge is mortified. "Aw Larry, I - I - I couldn't help myself, I'm so sorry, it's this flu."
Bono calls a band meeting after the gig. "The Edge, that was disgusting, I don't think you should be playing tomorrow night, you know, you're not well."
"No, Bono, it won't happen again, honestly, I'm so sorry - and you know, the show must go on."
So Bono agrees and when the gig kicks off the next night Edge is up there on stage, riffing away. The gig's going really well, no problems, but then as "Do They Know It's Christmas" starts Edge begins to feel sick. He desperately tries to hold it down but it's no good, and makes a dash for the side of the stage, only getting as far as Adam Clayton, who he vomits over. Copiously.
"Me best leather waistcoat!" howls Adam Clayton, "The Edge you're more beast than man!"
Edge is white as a sheet. "Oh no, Adam, I'm sorry, I couldn't be more sorry."
Bono is furious after the gig. "The Edge you've gone too far this time, you've ruined another gig. I've just been on the phone to Sting, he can fill in tomorrow, you've got to rest up."
Edge is almost in tears, "Please Bono no, this gig means so much to me, I know I've got it all out my system now, I'll be great tomorrow I promise, you have to let me play."
"OK The Edge one last chance, but if there's any more antics like the last two nights then that's it, the end, you're out of U2."
The next day Edge takes lots of vitamins and he's feeling fine. The gig starts and it's amazing, the best U2 gig ever, even "Discotheque" sounds alright. Bono's really pleased, Edge is happy. They start "Do They Know It's Christmas" and Bono moves over to stand shoulder to shoulder with his buddy and realy belt the tune out. Suddenly Edge doesn't feel too good. His face is contorting, he's struggling like mad but it's no use - he turns to Bono with a look of desperation and suddenly hacks up an enormous greenie right in Bono's face.
The song stops. Edge is paralysed with horror - "Bono I can explain, I'm truly sorry, you can't believe how sorry I am."
Bono wipes the snot off, turns to Edge, and says
"Well, tonight thank God it's phlegm instead of spew."
― Michael Philip Philip Philip Annoyman (Ferg), Thursday, 30 September 2004 14:51 (nineteen years ago) link
― The Good Dr. Bill (Andrew Unterberger), Thursday, 30 September 2004 14:55 (nineteen years ago) link
I just remembered that from an old National Lampoon.
― Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 30 September 2004 16:02 (nineteen years ago) link
― mei (mei), Thursday, 30 September 2004 16:12 (nineteen years ago) link
― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Thursday, 30 September 2004 16:42 (nineteen years ago) link
― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Thursday, 30 September 2004 16:43 (nineteen years ago) link
― ken taylrr (ken taylrr), Thursday, 30 September 2004 17:05 (nineteen years ago) link
A: He just heard that Stevie Wonder is black.
― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 30 September 2004 17:44 (nineteen years ago) link
Man : Doc, I can't stop singing Tom Jones songs! It's taking over my life! What can I do?Doctor : Well, it sounds like you've got a dose of Tom Jones-itis.Man : Is it serious?Doctor : It's not unusual.
― udu wudu (udu wudu), Friday, 1 October 2004 18:38 (nineteen years ago) link
A friend of mine had this variant back in the day: Paul McCartney went down on one knee this week. Or, as the rest of us know her, ...
― Acme (acme), Wednesday, 13 October 2004 13:38 (nineteen years ago) link
Gee, you knit?
― StanM (StanM), Tuesday, 5 July 2005 16:56 (eighteen years ago) link
― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Tuesday, 5 July 2005 17:08 (eighteen years ago) link
Haha, that's great. We need more of this fake U2 dialogue.
I love how Bono actually does refer to The Edge as "The Edge" instead of just "Edge" in conversation, as in, "What are ye doing over there with that guitar, The Edge?"
― PB, Tuesday, 5 July 2005 17:21 (eighteen years ago) link
both suck without cream.
― matlewis, Tuesday, 5 July 2005 17:28 (eighteen years ago) link
Jerry smiles serenely and says "Give me a guitar, so I can play 'Truckin'' one last time!"
The elder nods his agreement and then turns to Eric. "And you, what is your request?"
Eric grimaces and says "Kill me before he plays that f#*&ing song!"
― Nackles (Nackles), Tuesday, 5 July 2005 18:27 (eighteen years ago) link
Cause there are twenty of them.
― Viz (Viz), Tuesday, 5 July 2005 19:00 (eighteen years ago) link
what do you call a group of prosperous post-rock lawyers?
― reggie (qualmsley), Friday, 4 August 2023 02:52 (eight months ago) link
I don't know, reggie, what DO you call a group of prosperous post-rock lawyers?
― m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Friday, 4 August 2023 03:17 (eight months ago) link
McEntire, Grubbs, O’Rourke & Pajo LLP(?)
― Nonhuman biologics enthusiast (morrisp), Friday, 4 August 2023 03:33 (eight months ago) link
Do Make Say Think & Waterhouse ?
― m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Friday, 4 August 2023 04:19 (eight months ago) link
Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk
― assert (matttkkkk), Friday, 4 August 2023 07:32 (eight months ago) link
Q: Why does Dave Gahan never watch slasher flicks?A: He can't stand Gore.
― Supposed Former ILM Lurker (WeWantMiles), Friday, 4 August 2023 10:44 (eight months ago) link
― Grandall Flange (wins), Friday, 4 August 2023 10:52 (eight months ago) link
^
torteoisie
― reggie (qualmsley), Friday, 4 August 2023 12:01 (eight months ago) link
Why did Bob Marley take karate? Because he got to have hi-yah now
3
― peace, man, Thursday, 14 September 2023 23:55 (seven months ago) link
Q: Why are Depeche Mode bad at Teams meetings?A: Because they're on Mute.
A: Because they're on Mute.
Btw, this was so great that I've thought about it from time time since it was posted...
― my brain goes aahhhh (morrisp), Thursday, 14 September 2023 23:59 (seven months ago) link
Thanks, that was one of mine, although I'd probably heard it before somewhere. And now I think it would be funnier with Zoom, not Teams.
― lord of the rongs (anagram), Friday, 15 September 2023 08:22 (seven months ago) link
Why did the chicken ignore side one of Aerosmith's Pump?
To get to "The Other Side"
(This also works with Pendulum's In Silico but I figure ilx is more likely to complete the punchline in their head if it's the BBfBs)
― you can see me from westbury white horse, Sunday, 1 October 2023 02:25 (six months ago) link
gen z mud be like that's yeet that's yeet that's yeet that's yeet
― you can see me from westbury white horse, Sunday, 7 January 2024 14:17 (three months ago) link
why did the bee gees walk out of the clive anderson interview?
he was clive talkin'!
― you can see me from westbury white horse, Tuesday, 23 January 2024 06:04 (two months ago) link
oh, my child
― never trust a big book and a simile (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 23 January 2024 06:22 (two months ago) link
what were george michael's favourite songs first released on albums from 29 september 1997?
"cowboys" and "angels"
― you can see me from westbury white horse, Thursday, 25 January 2024 18:57 (two months ago) link
A man walks the streets of a foreign country, looking for a place to eat. The owner of a restaurant sees him and calls, "hey you! come try my food!" The man shrugs and goes inside.
"Just bring me your specialty," the man says as he sits down. The owner gives a delighted look and says, "I'll bring you our TWO very best dishes."
Ten minutes later, the owner sets out two plates of food that the man can't even recognize. "This one is fried scarabs," the owner explains excitedly, "and this one is sheep testicles." The man is horrified. But the owner swells with pride in his dishes and stands there expecting the man to try them. So try them the man must. First, he picks up a scarab. It's fried, so how bad could it be? He crunches into a leg and struggles to keep it down, but ultimately swallows the horrid thing and gives a thumbs-up. The owner is very pleased and gestures to the sheep testicles. The man slowly cuts a piece, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, then puts it in his mouth. He gags but is barely able to get it down, and afterward he turns to the owner with a put-on grin. "Both dishes are, uh, great."
"C'mon, you must have a favorite," the owner says, wagging a finger. "So which is it: the beetles or the stones?"
― Vinnie, Friday, 26 January 2024 01:59 (two months ago) link
What laidback early 70s rock albums do health food specialists unwind to?
'Holland' and 'Barrett'
― you can see me from westbury white horse, Friday, 26 January 2024 05:09 (two months ago) link
https://www.threads.net/@orangeframpton/post/C4ENBlxJMXm/
― Hippie Ernie (morrisp), Monday, 4 March 2024 00:22 (one month ago) link
lol “What is a Communique?”
― President Keyes, Monday, 4 March 2024 00:55 (one month ago) link
Yeah that guy really just had one round in the chamber, lol
― Hippie Ernie (morrisp), Monday, 4 March 2024 00:59 (one month ago) link
What is a surgical assistant's favorite punk band?
Operation I.V.
― peace, man, Thursday, 14 March 2024 11:08 (one month ago) link