Depression and what it's really like

the same shit just continues forever

life, in my experience.

(not even meant to be sarcastic. in the belly of the beast myself at the moment.)

i've spent a ridic amount of time on ilx today because i've been down; when i feel okay i just check in on a few threads and go about my business. abnormal ilx use is a cry for help. :-(

so there are things that i *know* help

like especially exercise
and not drinking
and reading
and trying to keep regular hours

some are more difficult than others

but i struggle to do any of them

reading does help. anything escapist that won't destroy your liver does help. i say that while i finish a strong manhattan.

<3

good vibes, homies

for me, i'm indulging in reading, tv, movies, music. the reading's going a little slower because i have trouble concentrating on books at home -- it's only while commuting or killing time somewhere.

re-read this today and it was a to-the-bone gutting:

The almost 35-year-old Terry Schmidt had very nearly nothing left of the delusion that he differed from the great herd of common men, not even in his despair at not making a difference, or in the great hunger to have an impact that in his late twenties he'd clung to as evidence that even though he was emerging as a sort of a failure the grand ambitions which he'd judged himself a failure were somehow exceptional and superior to the common run's--not anymore.

that seems like inappropriate reading material tbh

and yet you have started threads and been tall and beloved (perhaps misleadingly) by randy music critic fans for quite some time now

how have you done it

pigheadedness tbh.

also life has a weird way of bouncing back at the most unexpected moments so far. and so.

^^^optimism! bless

people who follow me on facebook have had to deal with my recent spate of posts about the hallmark channel reruns of the waltons and little house on the prairie. so. fucking. epic. i think being a pre-1940 hardy rural farmgirl would be a nice restorative for me and kick my ass a bit.

in my dream i get to be a pioneer chick in 1880s minnesota AND a tummler in the catskills AND glenn branca's girlfriend

all at the same time

read that as glenn beck's girlfriend and got pretty nervous tbh

also "tummler" <3

my people

i keep catching my user name in this thread and its v disconcerting

get out of my vagina then

and the boys usually have such a hard time getting into jessica's vagina!!!

okay, okay. i relent.

there we go.

get out of my memes (etc)

oh no its ok its just that im feeling ~kinda down~ today and kept thinking that id posted itt (which i try not to do) and blah blah blah

yeah i was trying to not be bummer dude today and instead be internet asshole strongo hulkington

http://www.scottsdalecards.com/catalog/images/617WELKOTTER.jpg

your dreams were your ticket out

no dreams, no ticket

sorry for being the internet asshole who posted the ginormous image; swear it wasn't that big when i clicked on it.

i think being a pre-1940 hardy rural farmgirl would be a nice restorative for me and kick my ass a bit.

Almost a tie-in to that "guarantee your children will need therapy" article, or maybe I just read it like that. Now I'm sorry, but you'll have to be depressed after the cows are milked and the bread's rising.

get out of my memes (etc)

moderate to heavy tuesday lol

buy some succulents and take very good care of them. move on to green plants and small animals. frogs are nice. go outside more, walk, hike in nature. even 20 minutes outside helps. collect shells an driftwood, flowers, pinecones, etc. go camping.

you can still reconnect with nature daily without going back in time to the 1940s

isn't there an antidepressant thread

i can't find it

antidepressants - s&d, CoD, evil bitches, cash cows and saviours of sanity

i'm gonna see about getting a guy to give me something. i've done your lexapro and your paxil and i forget the last thing they gave me that i never refilled the prescription for, a couple of years back.

i just hate taking pills so, so much. it feels like an admission of deficiency. like i need to download a patch to work as advertised.

and it doesn't just shallow the depths, it erodes my best moments too. like straightening a sine wave. i just wind up flatlined.

i used to say that i was willing to suffer the lows if it meant i could live the highs, my best and most ecstatic moments.

now i'm not so sure.

This, I think, is going to be the worst and most lasting legacy of the 100-year-plus war on drugs: the idea of any and all mind-altering meds as being equivalent to a personal failing.

Man. Take care of yourself. I'm wearing myself out just this moment, but if a time with some pills will help you full on live for years to come, allow it. Meanwhile, sleep, cut back on drinking, exercise your body and brain. Read up on some deep psychology like Jon G. Allen's (from Menninger) book .

It took rejecting life, rejecting meds, accepting some shit, therapy, all sorts of stuff to get where I wanted to be alive. You're one of the most alive dudes I've read from on the internet.

good thoughts to you.

http://www.menningerclinic.com/resources/J_word.htm

I'm only linking that because I kind of just violated the spirit of it. This doctor's writing and research (I read his book "Coping With Trauma" at the right time) was one of the steps toward me getting out of my head enough to put a cause and effect and possible solution in place. That led to some hope and away from despair.

I don't know. It may not be relevant to your specifics. I'm sharing because it mattered to me.

thanks for that link Zach, i needed to read that today.

This, I think, is going to be the worst and most lasting legacy of the 100-year-plus war on drugs: the idea of any and all mind-altering meds as being equivalent to a personal failing.

― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Friday, September 16, 2011 2:17 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lol worse than our out of control prison population??

poll

like i need to download a patch to work as advertised.

greatest analogy.

GOOD POINT DEEJ!!! +1

Thanks, guys, for the kind words.

anyway zach and christine OTM

you don't need to beat yourself up about it HOOS ... don't forget, the "up by your bootstraps" extreme-self reliance attitude is basically just hangover from the "social media assholes" of the 1940s

as much as we need to worry about "the medicalization of the human condition" - BTW if this guy thinks this is a 20th century phenom he needs to read some foucault or something, i dunno - we also need to worry as much or more about people not getting the help they need because they're afraid of not living up to some societal archetype of what "the human condition" is

felt like blowin up some hyperbole sry

xpost feelin that zach

YO MY BOY HOOS

sucks you feel this way. dunno what i can do but if you want to chat or something, shout me out.

Ok, it is better to get these things out, right?

My biggest problem, I think, is just a general anxiety issue. Its got to the point where I am turning down seeing friends, and close friends, the type that have seen me have drunken panic attacks in my own vomit and still happily enjoy my presence, for no real reason. Just an odd sense of dread.

But this past week, I've gone for a job interview. Shitty cold calling job, I made it past the interview to an 'evaluation' stage. omg talking to people on the phone, having to be nice to them, having to sell them shit they dont want - if it wasnt charity cold calling i think i would have just thrown up on my desk. I think I got a lot better over the two days but they didnt want me back and considering I burst into tears on the train home after my second day yesterday, I am kinda glad. But I also need a fucking London based job so I can stop fucking living with my dad and working at Tesco part time.

Anyway, need to think of it as a learning experience. I actually did improve, made it over 1 hurdle. Take a deep breath, start looking for jobs again. Maybe not cold calling ones. Ok, cool. May read the football thread first. And look at some porn. Maybe take a run. Breathe.

most of your advice to yourself seems good? steady with the booze, enjoy fresh air. i kinda think no matter how badly one needs a job, the kind of job that will crush you from the inside just isn't worth it ever.

otm.

barely drink tho, but also good advice