Craigslist hilarity

he probably collects his cum in a box he keeps next to his mattress.

"Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are!"

Dealbreaker

as long as "WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT" can be "FUCKIN NEVER" deal's back on

lol i love how this guy just keeps getting posts about him. after reading it a second time, i was like, "okay, no fucking way, i hate this guy." but i still find his eagerness and some of his language choices to be hysterical.

http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/hnp/fuo/2505248081.html

that's pretty amazing.

http://newjersey.craigslist.org/roo/2549326673.html

Re AL dude moving to SF, the contrast between the "I'm respectful, quiet, clean" and all the "AWWWW HELL FUCKIN YEA!!" is kind of jarring.

Is he a noisy inconsiderate jerk who thinks he's too awesome for those words to apply, or is he going to shuffle out of his room occasionally to stare sullenly and silently at people before retreating back to his coffin, leaving them wondering where he keeps the persona who wrote the ad?

"i have a room, you have a room, and the alligator has a room"

http://bit.ly/raSiJg

http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/van/cas/2527117713.html

pair of fun gals etc.

:-)

Not all that hilarious I guess, but musician wanted ads like this always leave me wondering if they get ANY responses:

Greetings....acoustic guitar player looking to collab with a female singer that writes lyrics and melodies...

I only wish to collab on originals and not covers....I feel that what I have to offer as a musician is very unique and original....

My music is more Lydian, Ethereal and a little out of this world....I play with alternative tunings and tune to a different
frequency than A=440....this is a whole new musical world for the right person....

Cosmic Salutations....

Marissa? Is that you?

Auditions for Scifi webseries

Date: 2011-10-14, 3:01PM PDT
Reply to: gigs-hma2x-2650138✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Auditioning to fill out the cast of a new scifi webseries. Seeking:

Female - 20s - A raven-haired tomboy beauty as dangerous as she is intelligent. She has a good heart, but her problems with trust make her one lab accident away from being a super villain.
Female - 30s - Guarded, professional, cutthroat businesswoman
Male - any - A computer who knows way too much and may be a little insane. Given to impersonations and riddles.

Please submit Headshot, Resume, and Reel for consideration
SAG New Media
Auditions are the 20, 21, and 24 of October
Shooting slated for November 4-6 (Each role requires one short day of shooting)
No pay for the teasers but we plan on shooting the Pilot early next year and there will be some pay for that.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay
PostingID: 2650138745

need cleaning LADY at 10 am Thursday $30-2hrs (West la 405/10fwy)

-emphasis on LADY
-the fact that this person thinks cleaning professionals only get $15/hr.

Models wanted for Cosmopolitan photoshoot (Downtown)

Date: 2012-01-24, 9:52PM EST
Reply to: job-wvsby-2816747✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

First off, please check out my website. If my work doesn't appeal to you, don't waste my time by responding. I am interested in working with models who understand art.

http://www.modelmayhem.com/818422

I am a well known and respectful photographer with the opportunity to do an amazing shoot that will be featured in Playboy, as well as a possible follow- up installment with the Matthew Marks gallery (http://www.matthewmarks.com/).

I need three models/artists to photograph during the first weekend in February (Friday and Saturday). I need three woman. At this time, I am thinking of they should be of a variety. One should look like Eva Herzigova (but 30 lbs lighter), another like Amy Winehouse (not how should looks currently, obviously), and the last like Kirstie Alley (during her stint with Fat Actress.

The shoots will last approximately 16 hours on both Friday and Saturday (starting at 6 am). There are some things you should consider before responding to the ad:

- you will have to be naked (mostly PG-13)
- you will be covered in glue, and then glitter.
- the glitter is made from bismuth oxychloride and it WILL irritate your skin.
- you cannot wear contacts. if the bismuth oxychloride gets under them in the middle of a shoot, you will not have time to stop and remove it before the eye swelling starts.
- you need to be cleanly shaved. everything, including your head and eyebrows.

There are other additional considerations, but if you're still interested at this point - please respond no later than January 30. For me, this gig pays really well! And I realize there are some oddities and health risks involved. However, you will be very well payed for time participating in the shoot (50% up front). This is a really great way to build your portfolio. I mean, c'mon - an article in Playboy!

There is additional compensation available if we are able to do the art installment at Matthew Marks.

Please respond to this ad via email for phone contact information.

Compensation: $175 / hour

playboy and cosmopolitan are very different magazines

I really love the implied existence of some previous ad/shoot that resulted in the model getting ALL WHINY because glue was burning into her eyeballs and she wanted to like stop the shoot my god.

Easy Money for you? (vallejo / benicia)
Date: 2012-01-29, 2:13PM PST
Reply to: gigs-hy3jf-2824586✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Hubby and I are looking for someone we can call upon when we are too stoned to drive yet want food. We will pay for the food we want plus $10 or $20 to you for going and getting the food for us. We might want I n' Out or Carl's Jr or Mi Publo burritos but what we really want is to stay off of the roads while mellowing out. So if you think this might work for you to get some cash under the table hit us back and let's talk arrangements.

Namaste

Something about finding this when I'm looking for an actual job really pisses me off.

someone at my grad school offered a service like this. i never took them up on it.

lol @ namaste

I was about to text my friend about an ad seeking a male midget stripper but he's not very tall, he might take it personally.

Isn't phoning for delivery cheaper than paying someone to be your munchy dude?

Those places they name don't usually deliver.

brilliant business model imho

Bass player available for PAYING GIGS ONLY. I play G, C, D. If your songs are not in G, please transpose them into G. If your song has an Em or Bm or anything off the wall I will probably sit out that chord. Or I could learn those notes for $30 each. If you want me to do fancy stuff like go back and forth between G and D while you hold a G chord, forget it because I'm a "pocket" player. Minimum $100 per gig within a 5 mile radius of 39202. $5 per mile travel charge for other areas out of town. Please make sure your gigs are on a JATRAN bus route, or you can pick me up at my place. Must be home by 11pm due to previous legal hassles. No gigs within 500 yards of schools, parks, or playgrounds.

beautiful.

that can't be real

Not legally able to play Nick Gilder or Chuck Berry.

That ad="Hi, I'm a sucky guitar player but I still want you to pay me. In fact, I want you to pay me more for having to put up with my suckiness."

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m049wcbYcX1qa1avyo1_500.png

Sweaming

Date: 2012-03-16, 3:38PM PDT
Reply to: marnenew✧✧✧@ya✧✧✧.c✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Sweaming teacher

Compensation: 2500
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 2906142632

uhh

Swimming in sweat?

Hello Ladies and Only Ladies. I am posting this add not as some kind of freak,pimp nor am I into fetishes. I am a happily married man looking for new clients. I have an in home Gig....Cutting,Shaving, and Trimming hair where the sun shouldn't shine. I keep my wife up to par and with her approval thought it would be a great Gig. Call for appointment. First 10 ladies are free (only if you spread the word)! I will be accompanied by a female employee and you will be guaranteed great service, All For Only $3-$10. All sizes,lengths,and races welcome! --Note this : Not a scame---! Have A Bless Day.

would you let a stranger mow yr lawn

Female rapper looking for a GHOSTWRITER

Date: 2012-03-17, 2:27PM PDT
Reply to: pinkzeebr✧✧✧@gm✧✧✧.c✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Im a 19 yr old female rapper
who wants to find a writer to ghostwrite my songs for me I have the beats I just need someone to write to them

my influences are Uffie,MIA, AZELEA BANKS, ROXANNE SHANTE AND SALT N PEPA

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay
PostingID: 2907709064

would contact

Looking for a Hard-Headed Woman - 30 (Downtown)

I'm looking for a woman who can relate to a misanthropic man.. who is well-read, but doesn't wear her intellect like an accessory. A woman who is allergic to pretension, despises all 'isms', who is fiercely opinionated and objectively beautiful. A feminine tomboy and a lover of dancing and dark music. A woman who has a finely-tuned bullshit detector, and a devout aversion to the narcissistic, the phony, the loud and the banal. A woman who instinctively scoffs at the perversion of modern feminism, at its predictable effects on hapless men and women, and rises above it without effort. Sort of a modern incarnation of Salinger's Franny, without the prayer. I am a struggling musician and writer, and a lover of a very specific kind of woman which is increasingly difficult to find in a city that is hopelessly sedated by irony, vanity, and other vices of the vapid and hip.

Send me a photo and tell me about yourself.

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/m4w/2924228475.html

I am this dude's manic pixie dream girl, I think. Unfortunately I am married.

Poor lonely Gordon Lightfoot

Hahaha my husband is a HUGE Gordon Lightfoot fan, that's appropriate.

Dude's looking for his Franny, probably going to end up with Zooey... Deschanel

ya... unlucky... guy

*slow clap*nicely done, mh!

objectively beautiful

he just sounds so sad and despairing and lovely. like a single version of my hippy math teacher who had sweaters handsewn by his girlfriend with Neil Diamond and John Denver lyrics on them. He had one that said "You are the sun I am the moon You are the words I am the tune Play me' with an appliqued sun on it.