bill simmons IS bill simmons IN the book of BASKETBALL

i think about that moment a lot, the moment when bill walton let the human race down

Walton also apparently has never read The Breaks of the Game, even though he's tried dozens of times, because it's too painful to read about his own injuries. Why doesn't he just skip those parts? If he wants to read the book so badly?

a broadcaster walking into the court to fight sheed would have been a pretty great moment in human history, you have to admit

thats what im saying, he let all of us down at that moment, by not doing something hilarious

xp have you read breaks of the game? it isn't really structured in a way where you can skip parts imo

simmons' podcast with david stern is the most boring thing ever.

― Mr. Snrub, Friday, August 12, 2011 11:49 PM (6 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

no way! this is pretty good.

i love when walton gets into some epic ineffable shit, he's the best

http://i.imgur.com/itbbL.png

pwn

lol I came here to post my own version of that too, but to comment on the righteous screencap

http://i.imgur.com/bwYEy.png

http://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.png

http://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.png
http://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.png
http://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.pnghttp://i.imgur.com/hnrkT.png

can't... stop... staring...

worst episode of hollywood squares

it's impressive how simmons can't write about anything without referring to the nba -- it's reminiscent of wilbon's propensity for mentioning jordan in any possible (or impossible) context

good podcasts this week w/blake griffin and the ticketmaster guy

simmons article going in on the players for the lockout was nagl

im shocked you guys haven't pointed out the whole "there are more likeable players in the NHL" thing most likely meant "there are more white guys in hockey"

not to mention the whole "NBA players have limited intellectual capacity" thing

i know this is easy pickins but if you want to see him get ripped apart click here
http://www.sbnation.com/nba/2011/10/20/2502297/nba-lockout-2011-bill-simmons-hook

that was enjoyable tbh

feel cleansed now

the problem for Bill is he's really not knowledgable about anything outside the NBA and I'm pretty sure he going to write like a dozen LeBron articles this winter

ill read every single one tbh

frogbs do u like stats come have fun in the player game finder thread

the problem for Bill is he's really not knowledgable about anything outside the NBA

bostonhoopsguy

xp I'd read them too! he's so much better editorializing about hoops than anything else. i read his NFL picks columns but he knows pretty much nothing about football (or baseball for that matter), but his stuff on Lebron is always good

sportsguy33
Could anyone else who twists my "limited intellectual capital" comment around from yesterday's column please note that...

...I'd have the same concerns for NHL/NFL/MLB players? Athletes are trained/conditioned to play sports, not save their sports economically.
1 hour ago

I always thought that baseball was his bread and butter, you know his whole I'M FROM BAWSTON RED SOX RED SOX RED SOX thing

Really enjoyed this article:

http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/7538/rediscovering-rock-n-jock

I always thought that baseball was his bread and butter, you know his whole I'M FROM BAWSTON RED SOX RED SOX RED SOX thing

― dayo, Friday, October 21, 2011 6:08 AM (6 days ago) Bookmark

this angle has had rapidly diminishing returns for everyone who worked it since 2004

http://deadspin.com/5878436/tennis-players-bill-simmons-would-do-another-classic-from-the-secret-sports-guy-vault?tag=bill-simmons

^^kinda imagine nu-bill simmons gritting his teeth every time he's writing about female athletes and holding himself back from saying things this extreme

ugh @ the "hey i'm just doing what the ppl asked for!"

SYLVIA PLISCHKE — C-minus
Probably the most attractive tall woman on the tour, which isn't saying much... short-haired blonde, painfully skinny... she's about six-foot-three, but she doesn't have that stiff-legged, "women's hoop coach" walk like most other tall tennis players ... on the bright side, I'm convinced she wasn't wearing a bra during her matches last year.

MARY PIERCE — B-minus
Captain of the "Beauty is just a lightswitch away" club ... in other words, she's got a Butter Face (everything looks great but her face) ... supposedly better-looking in person ... then again, they said the same thing about Rocky Dennis ... one of the few female tennis players with a legit cleavage... as Frank Drebin said in the first "Naked Gun" movie, "She's got the kinda breasts that say 'Hey, look at these!'"

Two drawbacks here: 1) Pierce dates Robbie Alomar, which speaks for itself, and 2) she had that weird restraining order thing against her domineering father, which means she possesses an inordinate amount of emotional baggage ... there's just a lot to work with here, both positive and negative.

**** Caveman #1: "She's searching for a father figure, which means she's probably extremely attentive to her man's needs. Extremely attentive."

**** Caveman #2: "Remember when Kenny Mayne was doing tennis highlights and said, 'Mary Pierce down a set, although it doesn't appear that way'? Now THAT's comedy!"

ARANXTA SANCHEZ-VICARIO — D-plus
Built like a fire hydrant ... not a lot to work with here ... her face finally cleared up, so she actually looks the best she's ever looked.

(Note: That last statement reminds me of something my buddy Worm said in college when we were talking about a chunky girl on our hall — one of her friends had said how this girl had lost 15 pounds and the Worm quickly responded, "Oh good, only 40 more to go." High comedy. You had to be there. By the way, I'm babbling...

**** Caveman #1: "The WTA doesn't let Aranxta raise trophies after she wins tournaments due to her McHale-like armpit-hair."

JENNIFER CAPRIATI — C-plus
She should have a tattoo of a suitcase on her right arm, because this gal's got baggage! ... not only did she have a serious drug problem, but you just KNOW she did some bizarre things when she was in her "Sidney from Melrose Place" stage a few years back (I'm still waiting for the secret Capriati porn tape to show up at Tower Records, ala Tonya Harding) ... one of my buddies in the know swears that Capriati had a breast reduction, so we're going to have to dock her grade just on rumor alone ... basically, she's starting off with a C before we even evaluate her ... and I think her features are a little rough ... on the other hand, she's probably the most fun girl on the tour to go out drinking with, so that brings her up to a C-plus.

**** Caveman #2: "Like every drug girl in college, slightly overweight but still cute enough to take advantage of for a one-nighter. Thighs show the effect of many nights with the munchies, but return to the game could work in her favor, as long as she doesn't start sniffing the lines or smoking the grass at Wimbledon."

THE WILLIAMS SISTERS — B-minus
Call me crazy, but I think they're cute in an Amazon kinda way ... any man who hasn't thought about being in the middle of a Williams sister sandwich is lying, plain and simple ... then again, I also think Chamique Holdsclaw is cute ...then again, I think almost everyone is cute ... one of those cases were the sum is much greater than the parts... and let's be honest, the beads thing is pretty kinky ... Serena's body is right out of a porno movie (she's on the Frank Drebin team) ... they're also a tad surly, which can always be fun after a few drinks ... one drawback: a domineering father.

**** Caveman #1: "Venus is just scary. Anyone that confident, big and strong would reduce any man to a quivering mass of blubbering flesh. Serena's better looking, and since she has the second child thing going on, she'd probably go the extra mile to get the job done for her man

**** Caveman #2: "Both of them make a lotta noise, if you get my drift. Hey now."

AMELIA MURESMA — F-minus
As Austin Powers once said, "She's a man, baby!" ... in fact, Martina Hingis remarked that the French-born Muresma was "half-man" during the 1998 U.S. Open, which infuriated French fans and caused Hingis to get booed all through last year's French Open ... Amelia's just terrifying ... every time she makes the semifinals of a major, she has a "Latrell Sprewell in the NBA Finals" effect on the ratings ... a "Saturday Night Live" skit waiting to happen, ala Janet Reno.

**** Caveman #1: "AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH!"

**** Caveman #2: "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH!"

MONICA SELES — D
Always looks like she hasn't showered in about five days ... used to be much cuter a few years ago, before she was stabbed in the back ... lately she looks like she's been hanging around the buffet table with Billie Jean King ... she might want to consider looser clothing (nothing worse than a top-ranked tennis player with a front-butt) ... on the bright side, she makes an astounding amount of noise ... there isn't a man alive who hasn't mulled her over after one of her yelping forehands.

**** Caveman #1: "You get the feeling her breasts hang down like fire hoses when she doesn't have a bra on.

**** Caveman #2: "Not a good potential date because she would probably eat so much you'd go broke."

you know, there was a link to the article upthread...

(nothing worse than a top-ranked tennis player with a front-butt)

I agree that this is the worst thing

btw bill was a notably worse writer back then huh

any man who hasn't thought about being in the middle of a Williams sister sandwich is lying, plain and simple

I don't often fantasize about being crushed to death but I guess this wouldn't be a bad way to go

didn't see that link, oh well...

btw bill was a notably worse writer back then huh

uhhh not really, no

yah totally, blatantly

yeah he was

is the "caveman 1" and "caveman 2" thing like anonymous reader submissions or like the pure id of bill simmons presented in a way that makes him feel better

i think by merely toning down his misogyny from tucker max levels to beer commercial levels he's become a better writer. i mean i think he's mostly tedious now but better without a doubt.

stuff like this aside, the only time in which Bill was really tolerable was before the Red Sox won in 2004; haven't you read any of his recent stuff? like his 20 page opus on why there can only be 15 movie stars at one time, how none of them can be women, and how Ryan Reynolds is definitely not one of them?