OK, is this the worst piece of music writing ever?

lolling that the current household names out of that list are Pink, Xtina, Britney and Shakira

ppl still know Jewel and Alanis but they are not really musical vanguards anymore

JSimp still being around but not as a musician is also lol

had Jewel released "Fat Boy" by the time he wrote this?

also did he not know Pink was white?

Unless I missed a huge part of Willa Ford's marketing, this guy is a huge douchebag and doesn't deserve one iota of attention. I mean, jesus christ, coming straight out and calling a female singer a "dumb slut"?

had Jewel released "Fat Boy" by the time he wrote this?

yup. but this guy must've had a small stroke when she released "Intuition" about a year after he wrote that essay.

one of his favorite hobbies (besides clunky music criticism) is 'improving' critically acclaimed poems by rewriting chunks of them in his far more tasteful, far superior writing style. I don't have a problem with questioning the received wisdom w/r/t canonical texts, but this dude truly has an ego that won't quit.

I haven't paid much attention to him since I was like 16, but he's still good for the occasional lol nowadays.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyC59VuGbMs

this should be linked everywhere so that people stop thinking Jewel can write songs

DJP it's 2011 and I'm pretty sure even Jewel no longer thinks she can write good songs.

"Fat Boy" sounds like a Belly song from a fantasy universe (circa 1992) in which Tanya Donnelly is an absolute fucking moron.

wow, "fat boy" is pretty hilarious.

Hush, sleep
Don't think, just eat

Top Comments

I'm Fat.
Gorthakk 2 years ago

lol @ that jewel song, its basically a in irl version of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv6mEv_rDdE

DJP it's 2011 and I'm pretty sure even Jewel no longer thinks she can write good songs.

She is the host and judge of a competitive songwriting show!

http://www.nbcumv.com/mediavillage/networks/bravo/platinumhit

Not gonna add this to one of the zillion Loutallica threads because it really belongs in a thread about bad music writing. This review of Lulu really irritates me:

http://www.volcanictongue.com/columns/show/17

And this is what Lou Reed and Metallica are becoming: Rock'n'roll animals in the perverted zoo of the internet. Yes, Lulu is about sex. It is a 69 between Lou Reed and Metallica. Lou's tongue is a chainsaw with rusted links (for infection and maximum durability). Metallica gets cut in two and will never recover.

Yes, Lulu is about sex. It is a 69 between Lou Reed and Metallica. Lou's tongue is a chainsaw with rusted links (for infection and maximum durability)

This is like conservatives with totalitarian envy.

idk I kinda liked that, it prolly helps if you have a working idea of Mattin's sense of humour

stand back, gary giddins...

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/music/2012/11/ten_jazz_albums_to_hear_before_you_die.php

cool i'll add those to my bucket list thx village voice

they paved pazz & jop and put in about.com

hard to even pick an excerpt, but man

Probably one of the hippest figures in jazz, Thelonious Monk was a genius who was able to see notes on the piano that didn't even exist in Western music. When he would sit down on the piano, he would strike two half notes (notes next to each other that sound awful when played together) to simulate the imaginary notes between the two piano keys.

okay, so that piece isn't great. but it's not exactly terrible either.

Oh, dude, it is so terrible.

In fact, I knew this thread revival was going to be about this list.

okay, so that piece isn't great. but it's not exactly terrible either.

― Chuck_Norris_on_the_topic_of_obesity (stevie), Tuesday, November 13, 2012 3:07 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

how is it not exactly terrible? It is exactly terrible.

If you think about the course of hip-hop, then can you really imagine groups like Tribe Called Quest or even someone like Tupac without a cultural and musical prophet like Coltrane?

6. Miles Davis
Bitches Brew
I'm not saying that you have to like this album. But it's one you just have to listen to before you die; it's kind of like looking at Abstract Expressionism or listening to Morton Feldman -- it just might not jive with you. Bitches Brew was released in 1970. The first time I heard this album, I thought it was a joke. In fact, I was kind of pissed. Where was the melody? Where was the catchy rhythm? Well, it's so shocking the first time you hear it that it forces you to question what jazz and music can be. It makes you think about structure and limitations of our current music. The prison of the human ear. Ah, enough of that. Just listen to the album. Chaos and cacophony defined.

Charles Mingus is the godfather of the upright bass

This is a hilarious article. Serious laughs.

"it just might not jive with you" <-- wtf

that's not even getting to the fact that he's making Bitches Brew sound like a Naked City release

The first time I heard this album, I thought it was a joke. In fact, I was kind of pissed. Where was the melody? Where was the catchy rhythm?

thanks, i cdn't think of a suitable vehicle for laughing at that BB piece

for some reason my favourite detail is his assertion that there are multiple decades of jazz.

brb gonna go play some half notes on my piano -- they're not even known to western music and basically imaginary

village voice sneaking geir hongro into its freelance rolodex under another name

the vicious atonal skronk of Bitches Brew was so mind-blowing in its redefinition of what music cd be that only 10 years earlier were dudes like Coleman and Ayler able to catch up

for some reason my favourite detail is his assertion that there are multiple decades of jazz.

― Yorkshire lass born and bred, that's me, said Katriona's hologram. (thomp), Tuesday, November 13, 2012 3:21 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I loved this too

it's kind of like looking at Abstract Expressionism or listening to Morton Feldman -- it just might not jive with you.

yes of course what idiot would do these things for pleasure

http://blogs.ocweekly.com/heardmentality/2012/11/10_albums_while_studying.php?page=4

3. Simon Trpceski -- Debussy: Images

Claude Debussy is one of the best French composers and probably artists, and that says a hell of lot. His compositions were analogous to the paintings of the impressionists, and he hoped when you listened to his music, you saw, literally, similar visualizations of Monet. That's why he called his work Images. You can find an album by Simon Trpceski on Spotify. Take for instance Debussy's, "Clair De Lune." It's probably one of the most famous works in music -- played in everything from lullabies to film scores. And really, it's not just a song. It's a painting that will set all 100,000,000,000 neurons in the average human brain on fire.

village voice sneaking geir hongro into its freelance rolodex under another name

Geir would NEVER have made that half note gaffe

brb gonna go play some half notes on my piano -- they're not even known to western music and basically imaginary

― drunk 'n' white's elements of style (Hurting 2), Tuesday, November 13, 2012 3:21 PM (4 minutes ago)

Can't you read they're in between those

In a way, studying or being creative is kind of like sex. Yes, you can probably have it any time you want (some of us, anyway), but sometimes, it's really about being in the right mood.

Joseph Lapin, ladies and gentlemen.

i like the idea that this guy was pissed at miles davis for the way a 43 yr old undisputed masterpiece sounded.

named after the Williamsburg Bridge, which connects Manhattan to Brooklyn.

lmao @ this bit of trivia being in the village voice

At one point, Head Hunters was the best selling jazz album of all time. Be warned though, there is experimentation happening here.

If you're about to go sky diving, and you're not sure if you're going to survive, play this album on the car ride over.

Why is it so great? Let's not try to put it into words. It might be something unsayable.

Kind of Blue is about abortion?

If you're about to go sky diving, and you're not sure if you're going to survive, play this album on the car ride over. turn the car around imo

Herbie Hancock helped bring the synthesizer and the Fender Rhodes Electric Piano to mass appeal.

once the domain only of enthusiasts like The Beatles and The Doors

In a way, studying or being creative is kind of like sex. Yes, you can probably have it any time you want (some of us, anyway)

I can study and sex all day whenever wherever

also (kind of exhausting this piece, I know, but)

Ornette Coleman went from playing the sax to the trumpet

um, not on Shape of Jazz to Come, and not really that often in general.

I don't want to give this terrible thing clickthroughs but I kind of want to see if it's being savaged in the comments

"I can still remember the first time I heard this album. I was 17, and I was driving my Subaru Legacy Wagon in the rain."