ASK KARL MALONE

iiiijjjj, why do those birds that I keep in the jar on my back porch smell so bad? That's just their nature.

Reverend,

Dawn, February, 1973
A runway, New York City, United States, Earth, Milky Way

(Dog in expensive makeup enters from left. Her name is Chanel. The crackling radio plays Debussy.)

CHANEL: Where are my boots? Where are my expensive boots that I wear on Wednesdays?

(Assistant walks in from right. He has a blackeye. His name is Franz.)

FRANZ: I am so sorry, Chanel! They were here last night when we retired, I-

CHANEL: -You've disappointed me for the last time, Franz.

(Chanel pulls out a laser gun, aims at Franz's head. Franz begins to weep.)

FRANZ: I am so sorry, Chanel! I am so sorry!

(Chanel fires a laser beam two inches above Franz's head. It rebounds off of a mirror and disappears offscreen.)

FRANZ: Wha..? Wha..?

CHANEL: Your wardrobe is destroyed. Good day.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

karl malone,
do you really believe that hardees fried chicken is better than KFC's?

Karl, I have two questions:

1) Would John Stockton have been greater than Jordan if he wore longer shorts?
2) What would you do if Sir Charles got up in your area and told you to "SHUT UP AND JAM!"?

Karl, Karl, karl..............get over it. Your friend, Sissy.

http://www.horrorstew.com/images/Carrie.jpg

dear karl malone, a friend is coming into town. how many games would you recommend that we bowl?

6335, to be perfectly honest with you, the Mailman is a big dude now, so I can do some damage to some fried chicken. That's why I'm in Hardee's fried chicken now. Do you know how big their pieces are? Look at them! Big, crispy and juicy - now that's what I call a piece of chicken. KFC's little ol' breast pieces can't touch this!

King Boy Pato,

1) Are you kidding? John Stockton was and still is greater than Michael Jordan. I'm pretty sure no one would disagree with that.

2) As I mentioned earlier, Barkley's round mound draws away all the attention when we tango. I don't even remember me and him talking about anything except for that.

csa, I am sick of you bringing up dark chapters of my life. Besides, I thought Sissy was dead. Wait, Sissy was dead! Shit, Karl Malone has serious problems with the undead now, and he's all out of healing items.

Kamerad, whenever someone asks me how many games they should bowl when their friend gets into town, I always recommend bowling continuously until everyone gets cranky and starts to argue with each other. Only when your friendship is in severe jeopardy will you truly learn how good of a bowler you can be.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Hey Karl,

Do you do any outdoor training in the hot summer months?

Yours,

Abbott

http://www.barrylutz.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/kmalone.gif

Abbott,

Start by doing 300 reps of this exercise every morning. I'll give you more deets later.

NNMPH!

Z S,

Who told you to answer Karl Malone's question? 300 reps of the one-armed-pancake dance? In your dreams. That's ridiculous.

Abbott,

Here is the best advice in the world on physical fitness: "Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity."

You know who said that? I DID. Karl Malone invented that thought. Let me break it down for you: if you don't work out everyday, outside, you're a dumbass. I have never met a creative person who did not work out earlier that day, outside. Here are some more of my quotes:

"I just realized that not only early in my career but, if I was going to play longer, guys foul you when they get tired.

I just think we want to stay healthy, and I don't think we think about a sense of urgency. We realize how old we are, we realize we've been playing this game for a long time, but you know what? We're not done yet.

I think we're a deeper team, a better team, we still have work to do... nothing is guaranteed, but hopefully we got the mentality to play on the road, and we're starting to get our home thing back in order now-if we can do that we'll be just fine."

Now, how could I say these things without training outside? That's right, it would be impossible. Now get your ass outside and start lifting.

Check out this awesome Amazon review of the book 101 Little Known Facts About...Karl Malone:

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Highlights of a Superstar, February 12, 2001
By Imoh Umoh (Salt Lake City, Utah, USA) - See all my reviews
Many people probably would think this book dosen't make sense because of the name. I mean think about it 101 Little known facts about Karl Malone. This book is probably one of the best book about a Star ever. 101 Little known facts about Karl Malone is one of the best little known facts books ever written, it covers facts about a superstar who is becoming one of the greatest basketball player. One of the best books about a star ever written. Covers things you will definitely want to read

Karl,

What is your favorite city in Utah?

– Abbott, Former Utahan

Abbott,

That would have to be the town of Enterprise.

Know why? Because it's located close to the point of lowest elevation in Utah: Beaver Dam Wash. That's right - BEAVER! DAM! wash. Also, "Enterprise - we'll pick you up!" I bet they just rent cars all the time and laugh and laugh in Enterprise. ahahaha

Karl Malone,

Do you have any cool fashion advice for a lady in her mid-20s?

Abbott,

I do. Let's go from top to bottom.

You're gonna need a cool hat.
http://www.mmawarehouse.com/v/vspfiles/photos/nof-1036-2T.jpg

Don't forget a shirt!
http://www.mmawarehouse.com/v/vspfiles/photos/nof-1035-2T.jpg

It's cool to just pick a brand and stick with it, head to toe.
http://www.dirtbikebitz.com/images/products/pants/09NF/2009_No_Fear_Rogue_SE_Pants_Energy.jpg

I really like these socks, especially for ladies
http://store.nofear.com/Images/AllEcomm/M/7050I_BK_0.jpg

Can't go wrong with furry boots. Especially in summer!
http://images.smarter.com/blogs/guests/winterbootfur.jpg

Thanks Karl! :D

One more thing. I love this look:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v215/abeni/thongs1.jpg

Seriously, turn on the AC because it is getting hot in here!

http://www.barrylutz.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/nofear.gif

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jelH89nG-2M

karl, i have a question 4 u.
you should post to I Love Hoops. it's a place for ppl who love hoops. also it is a place for ppl who love ppl who love hoops. it goes no further than that, however.

i just realized that's not a question. but you should still do it anyway.

KARL,

wtf were you doing with this ram?

http://www.outdoorlife.com/files/imagecache/photo-single-upscale/photo/7/KarlMalone_0.jpg

if only Karl knew the login information to answer this question

hey karl malone you ever fuck with a crock pot dude what kinda crock pot style dishes do u like to whip up if so, press y/n

if only karl malone knew the login information! i bet he'd have a boisterous response! man he's crazy

guy can't not be boisterous if i'm not wrong

hey also man you know where i can get me some snails for a documentary film i'm doin' about how my dog reacts to various other types of animal species

doin snails (or slugs too) right now and i just can't find one, thought maybe you might know, i dunno, thought i might ask anyway

hope it's cool i asked and i hope to hear from you again real soon karl malone my friend

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/tfr/2296632021.html

http://thafeedback.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/karlmalone.jpg

karl malone, have you ever been home alone?

dear karl malone,

did lebron choke? is the fix in? what happened?

man,if karl malone could remember his login information, or even what bogus email account he used to register the account, i bet he would know exactly what to say

didn't he get deleted from the database? u might be able to re-register iirc

Karl Malone,

Why do cats like to get into boxes but dogs do not?

― mumps (iiiijjjj), Monday, December 15, 2008 4:56 AM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

iiiijjjj, why do those birds that I keep in the jar on my back porch smell so bad? That's just their nature.

― Karl Malone, Monday, December 15, 2008 5:49 AM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Dying at this.

This is one of the best & funniest threads! I think it helps that Mr. Malone is the only sports figure I know anything about.

courtesy of dayo:

Trail Blazers history: Karl Malone, with help from Dave Checketts, reveals psychic powers to David Kahn

“You guys might laugh and say I’m crazy, but I do believe I have psychic powers,” Malone told the two reporters. “I don’t have the power to just sit here and move stuff, but I do have the power to look into the future.”

According to a story Kahn wrote for The Oregonian, Malone said he inherited his psychic ability from his mother, Shirley Turner, who also was psychic. Although she had nine children, Malone was the only one to gain his mother’s “special talent,” Kahn wrote.

karl malone magic 8-ball, will another game ever be played in the NBA?

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3434/3305177015_bff5ddefaf_o.jpg

http://i.cdn.turner.com/si/multimedia/photo_gallery/1106/posters.salon94.exhibit/images/karl-malone.jpg

should kobe keep tweeting the spurs series?

how do ouija board work??

Dear Karl,
Is there a freeware animated gif program that would let me easily overlay text in multiple frames?

https://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3w6bcQznJ1r10tndo1_1280.jpg

i can't say i have a ton of experience with it, but GIMP is a free photoshop...imitator. i hesitate to call it a "clone" because i just tried using it for 20 minutes and it made me want to throw my computer out the window. but it's free. it's animation capabilities are extremely limited and it is the opposite of user-friendly. i managed to use a terrible guide (http://www.wikihow.com/Make-an-Animation-in-Gimp) to make this:

http://i.imgur.com/9hB01pC.gif

even just doing that was a struggle. where photoshop has an animation timeline where you can pick the number of frames and choose which layer(s) to display in each frame, GIMP requires you to create a single layer for each frame. so if you want a 10-frame GIF, you have to create 10 separate layers. then, to preview it, you click Filters>Animation>Playback, which lets you adjust the framerate and that's about it. It doesn't let you adjust the order of the frames, blend multiple layers in a single frame, or anything like that (at least not that i could figure out). then you can export the image as a GIF.

(i think GIMP also has a separate animation package called GAP that you can add that gives you more options, but in looking at screenshots and descriptions of it it looked like it was also pretty clunky)

I'm not sure that this is working correctly but I'm playing marble madness here: http://www.twitch.tv/weinventyou

if it's actually working please type a message here or on twitch (if you have an account). the setup was ultra-confusing for streaming mac games with voice in a separate channel (too convoluted to explain)

if i can figure this out i will attempt to do a marble madness marathon later, i just want to confirm that the audio isn't completely fucked up first

karl malone, i see u