ASK KARL MALONE

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Tehresa, I felt as bad about fucking up Isiah Thomas' eye as he felt when he was a fucking asshole for his entire high school, college and pro career. He and Bill Laimbeer can go sit in the back of the short bus for all Karl Malone cares.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Karl Malone, Saturday, 13 December 2008 17:59 (nine years ago) Permalink

Hi Karl,

I've always denigrated your bball style as boring and mechanical. Would you say you're the Ivan Lendl of the hardwood? If not, how would you characterize your style, to use that word loosely?

negotiable, Saturday, 13 December 2008 18:00 (nine years ago) Permalink

Harbl,

RE: Twitter

Shaq's Twitter can't touch my own. Check this shit out:

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t214/ZachRScott/karlmalone.gif

Karl Malone, Saturday, 13 December 2008 18:03 (nine years ago) Permalink

Lingbert, Karl Malone doesn't get sad, he gets violently angry. The night after the Rodman/Hulkster debacle, I vandalized a village in northwestern Idaho. I went to rob their liquor store but it was closed, so I sat out front, waiting for someone to try to tell me what to do. Everyone was in bed so I lit a stink bomb by the Post Office and left tire marks all over their brand new rural route.

Karl Malone, Saturday, 13 December 2008 18:07 (nine years ago) Permalink

Negotiable, my style has changed quite a bit in recent years.

In the past, when Karl Malone arrivd at a social function, he was the portrait of sophistication: tip-top from head to toe, charming in tone and demeanor, confidently maneuvering his way from conversation to conversation. Until, that is, he came across one debating the merits of Swiss watches. Or the lasting effects of Fauvism. Or Shanghainese architecture. With nothing to say, Karl Malone retreated like a shrinking violet.

Now I just stay at home most of the time. So yeah, I'd say I'm the Ivan Lendl of the hardwood.

Karl Malone, Saturday, 13 December 2008 18:18 (nine years ago) Permalink

http://i35.tinypic.com/2mx1t02.jpg

craig sager (eman), Saturday, 13 December 2008 18:30 (nine years ago) Permalink

Eman, this is touchy territory. I want people to know that Karl Malone respects the religious beliefs of all people in the world. But let this be clear - Karl Malone would wipe the floor with any god, crush them up like cheap paper, glue them onto the wall as part of his dead god art installation, and then answer the former god's mail as if he were the god, fooling the followers into thinking that their god was still alive and paying attention when in fact Karl Malone is just playing basketball and goofing off.

Karl Malone, Saturday, 13 December 2008 18:38 (nine years ago) Permalink

Hey, Karl Malone, remember me and my family from Firth, Idaho, in like '91? REMEMBER?

Tell me everything you remember about that day.

Abbott of the Trapezoid Monks (Abbott), Saturday, 13 December 2008 22:04 (nine years ago) Permalink

Hey Karl Malone, why Utah?

Abbott of the Trapezoid Monks (Abbott), Saturday, 13 December 2008 22:05 (nine years ago) Permalink

karl malone,

is fatherhood really that important? i got a situation.

teenagers (tremendoid), Saturday, 13 December 2008 22:42 (nine years ago) Permalink

Abbott,

I remember that day like the back of my hand. There were buildings on the left and right, and I distinctly remember exiting a motor vehicle within a few hours of seeing you and your family. As I entered the town, I said to myself "Firth, what's it worth? ha ha. Sounds like a guy with a lisp named this city!" But what I remember the most about that day was your weird little girl eye contact. I don't know why little girls always have to make it weird like that.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Karl Malone, Saturday, 13 December 2008 22:54 (nine years ago) Permalink

Karl Malone,

Why does James Brown yell your name several times during "The Funky Drummer?"

B.L.A.M., Saturday, 13 December 2008 22:55 (nine years ago) Permalink

Tremendoid,

Do you know what the most effective way is to reduce your carbon footprint? Don't have any children. Fatherhood is important, in the same way that SARS is important. It's dangerous!

Karl Malone, Saturday, 13 December 2008 22:56 (nine years ago) Permalink

B.L.A.M., You've gotta be kidding me. I am going to sue his ass. Only basketball fans and people I am making hot can yell my names several during that song.

Karl Malone, Saturday, 13 December 2008 22:58 (nine years ago) Permalink

Why does it look like you have a slice of bologna on your head?

(*゚ー゚)θ L(。・_・)   °~ヾ(・ε・ *) (Steve Shasta), Saturday, 13 December 2008 23:01 (nine years ago) Permalink

Steve Shasta,

check this out

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t214/ZachRScott/karlmalone.gif

Karl Malone, Saturday, 13 December 2008 23:02 (nine years ago) Permalink

Why haven't UPS come with my delivery after almost 2 weeks?

― Girlfriend, you've been scooped like ice cream (mehlt), Saturday, December 13, 2008 12:34 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Nevermind, it came today (on a sunday, too!) Postal service: swish!

Girlfriend, you've been scooped like ice cream (mehlt), Sunday, 14 December 2008 16:15 (nine years ago) Permalink

Dear Karl from the Jazz,

Is it true what the hataz say that you ain't shit without John Stockton?

beggin-ass keith (The Reverend), Sunday, 14 December 2008 16:34 (nine years ago) Permalink

karl,

does it piss you off that barkley gets to do t-mobile commercials, while people sort of forget about you?

very quotatious (tehresa), Sunday, 14 December 2008 16:46 (nine years ago) Permalink

Reverend,

I present two pictures which will prove that I am shit without John Stockton.

http://i33.tinypic.com/2lbnqx2.jpg

I ask the hataz, in the above picture, where is John Stockton? That's right, he isn't in the frame because he wasn't there that day. He was at home hugging his dying grandma and doing charity work.

http://i38.tinypic.com/hukphz.jpg

Again, check out my high flying dunking action. You may ask, "But isn't it likely that John Stockton made an incredible pass to you in the seconds before this awesome posterworthy picture was taken?" No, he did not pass it to me just before. I was there and he did not.

Karl Malone, Sunday, 14 December 2008 17:07 (nine years ago) Permalink

Tehresa, you've gotta be kidding me. Charles Barkley "gets" to do T-Mobile commercials? Charles Barkley has to do T-Mobile commercials in order to stay out of prison. It's a long story that we don't need to go into here, but let's just say I'm really glad to be unaffiliated with T-Mobile and their weird prison blackmail scheme.

Karl Malone, Sunday, 14 December 2008 17:16 (nine years ago) Permalink

Dear Karl Malone,
Are you a fan of chronically underappreciated jazz/funk musician Edwin Birdsong?

forksclovetofu, Sunday, 14 December 2008 17:24 (nine years ago) Permalink

Forks, I only listen to 2 Unlimited, Tag Team, Black Box, 69 Boyz, K7, Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock, C&C Music Factory, Naughty by Nature, M/A/R/R/S, Snap!, EMF, Village People, Technotronic, and Gary Glitter.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Karl Malone, Sunday, 14 December 2008 17:30 (nine years ago) Permalink

karl,

would you care to include living colour in that group?

t

very quotatious (tehresa), Sunday, 14 December 2008 17:32 (nine years ago) Permalink

Tehresa, I don't see Living Colour in my CD collection, do you? Let me check. Nope, not on 1, not on 2. Not on 3, 4 or 5. And not on my homemade best of Jock Jams compilation, either. So no, I would not care include Living Colour in that group.

Karl Malone, Sunday, 14 December 2008 17:39 (nine years ago) Permalink

Dear Karl Malone,
Has Gary Glitter's history of sexually abusing young children made you more or less keen on his music?

Go Go Padgett Binoculars (The stickman from the hilarious 'xkcd' comics), Sunday, 14 December 2008 17:40 (nine years ago) Permalink

karl,

can you post to sendspace your jock jams comp?

thanks,

harbl, Sunday, 14 December 2008 17:41 (nine years ago) Permalink

The stickman from the hilarious 'xkcd' comics, when I was a little boy I used to sit out in the backyard with my great uncle Robert. He told me about the great leaders of the past - Nero, Pasha, Henry VIII, Merlin. One thing they all had in common was that they all gained popular support by sexually abusing young children, and lost it when they moved on to other endeavors. And that is why Gary Glitter is one of the best leaders this country ever had.

Karl Malone, Sunday, 14 December 2008 17:52 (nine years ago) Permalink

Harbl, here is a three track sampler:

Track one:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/kob7x8

Track two:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/8j378t

Track three:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/jls2o4

Karl Malone, Sunday, 14 December 2008 18:03 (nine years ago) Permalink

karl,

you say "Gary Glitter is one of the best leaders this country ever had." this leads me to believe (1) you don't know what country you're in, or (2) you don't know what country gary glitter is from. which is it? prove you are the real karl malone based on how much you know about gary glitter.

harbl, Sunday, 14 December 2008 20:45 (nine years ago) Permalink

Harbl, you have neglected to consider (3) I have amnesia! Whoa, what happened?

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Karl Malone, Sunday, 14 December 2008 21:10 (nine years ago) Permalink

Karl Malone, what kind of lifting regimen should a beginner use in the gym?

Viceroy, Sunday, 14 December 2008 21:14 (nine years ago) Permalink

Viceroy, your first task is always to find out where the ladies are in the gym. Their location determines your workout. If they are running around a track, I recommend running backward alongside them. This way, you can work out your calves and also make offers to race. If they accept your offer to race, try to beat them while hopping backwards on one leg only. They love that. No matter where the ladies are, make sure you take your shirt off, or if you must wear a shirt, wear a U-shaped shirt like in the picture above. One more thing - when you lift, you should lie about how heavy the weights are. For example, if you are lifting 150-pound weights, announce that they weigh 300 pounds, and keep reminding all the ladies around you. Keep a running tally after every lift: "That's 300 pounds I've lifted...that's 600 pounds I've lifted, 900 pounds..." When you can switch the unit to tons, do so, but weight until you've lifted at least 3 tons cumulatively. If you can make it to 12 tons, that's good for announcing. "A dozen tons, that's how much I've lifted ladies".

Karl Malone, Sunday, 14 December 2008 21:26 (nine years ago) Permalink

karl malone, my girlfriend wants to know "who you are"

negotiable, Sunday, 14 December 2008 21:30 (nine years ago) Permalink

Negotiable, I commissioned the following professional video to answer that very question:

I am also working on a screenplay.

Karl Malone, Sunday, 14 December 2008 21:34 (nine years ago) Permalink

thx mailman! she's suitably impressed.

negotiable, Sunday, 14 December 2008 21:45 (nine years ago) Permalink

Karl Malone,

Why do cats like to get into boxes but dogs do not?

mumps (iiiijjjj), Monday, 15 December 2008 04:56 (nine years ago) Permalink

Dear Karl Mo,

What is your screenplay about?

beggin-ass keith (The Reverend), Monday, 15 December 2008 05:02 (nine years ago) Permalink

iiiijjjj, why do those birds that I keep in the jar on my back porch smell so bad? That's just their nature.

Karl Malone, Monday, 15 December 2008 05:49 (nine years ago) Permalink

Reverend,

Dawn, February, 1973
A runway, New York City, United States, Earth, Milky Way

(Dog in expensive makeup enters from left. Her name is Chanel. The crackling radio plays Debussy.)

CHANEL: Where are my boots? Where are my expensive boots that I wear on Wednesdays?

(Assistant walks in from right. He has a blackeye. His name is Franz.)

FRANZ: I am so sorry, Chanel! They were here last night when we retired, I-

CHANEL: -You've disappointed me for the last time, Franz.

(Chanel pulls out a laser gun, aims at Franz's head. Franz begins to weep.)

FRANZ: I am so sorry, Chanel! I am so sorry!

(Chanel fires a laser beam two inches above Franz's head. It rebounds off of a mirror and disappears offscreen.)

FRANZ: Wha..? Wha..?

CHANEL: Your wardrobe is destroyed. Good day.

Karl Malone, Monday, 15 December 2008 05:57 (nine years ago) Permalink

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Karl Malone, Monday, 15 December 2008 06:01 (nine years ago) Permalink

karl malone,
do you really believe that hardees fried chicken is better than KFC's?

6335, Monday, 15 December 2008 06:29 (nine years ago) Permalink

Karl, I have two questions:

1) Would John Stockton have been greater than Jordan if he wore longer shorts?
2) What would you do if Sir Charles got up in your area and told you to "SHUT UP AND JAM!"?

A bright pair of newcomers called BROS (King Boy Pato), Monday, 15 December 2008 06:32 (nine years ago) Permalink

Karl, Karl, karl..............get over it. Your friend, Sissy.

http://www.horrorstew.com/images/Carrie.jpg

csa, Monday, 15 December 2008 07:26 (nine years ago) Permalink

dear karl malone, a friend is coming into town. how many games would you recommend that we bowl?

kamerad, Monday, 15 December 2008 14:50 (nine years ago) Permalink

6335, to be perfectly honest with you, the Mailman is a big dude now, so I can do some damage to some fried chicken. That's why I'm in Hardee's fried chicken now. Do you know how big their pieces are? Look at them! Big, crispy and juicy - now that's what I call a piece of chicken. KFC's little ol' breast pieces can't touch this!

Karl Malone, Monday, 15 December 2008 23:26 (nine years ago) Permalink

King Boy Pato,

1) Are you kidding? John Stockton was and still is greater than Michael Jordan. I'm pretty sure no one would disagree with that.

2) As I mentioned earlier, Barkley's round mound draws away all the attention when we tango. I don't even remember me and him talking about anything except for that.

Karl Malone, Monday, 15 December 2008 23:32 (nine years ago) Permalink

csa, I am sick of you bringing up dark chapters of my life. Besides, I thought Sissy was dead. Wait, Sissy was dead! Shit, Karl Malone has serious problems with the undead now, and he's all out of healing items.

Karl Malone, Monday, 15 December 2008 23:34 (nine years ago) Permalink

Kamerad, whenever someone asks me how many games they should bowl when their friend gets into town, I always recommend bowling continuously until everyone gets cranky and starts to argue with each other. Only when your friendship is in severe jeopardy will you truly learn how good of a bowler you can be.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Karl Malone, Monday, 15 December 2008 23:36 (nine years ago) Permalink

six months pass...

Hey Karl,

Do you do any outdoor training in the hot summer months?

Yours,

Abbott

baleen, the krill queen (Abbott), Friday, 26 June 2009 17:26 (eight years ago) Permalink

karl malone, have you ever been home alone?

skahchivan (dayo), Sunday, 10 April 2011 03:06 (six years ago) Permalink

two months pass...

dear karl malone,

did lebron choke? is the fix in? what happened?

reggie (qualmsley), Monday, 13 June 2011 11:42 (six years ago) Permalink

man,if karl malone could remember his login information, or even what bogus email account he used to register the account, i bet he would know exactly what to say

Z S, Tuesday, 14 June 2011 00:53 (six years ago) Permalink

didn't he get deleted from the database? u might be able to re-register iirc

markers, Tuesday, 14 June 2011 01:06 (six years ago) Permalink

Karl Malone,

Why do cats like to get into boxes but dogs do not?

― mumps (iiiijjjj), Monday, December 15, 2008 4:56 AM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

iiiijjjj, why do those birds that I keep in the jar on my back porch smell so bad? That's just their nature.

― Karl Malone, Monday, December 15, 2008 5:49 AM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Dying at this.

boxall, Tuesday, 14 June 2011 01:09 (six years ago) Permalink

This is one of the best & funniest threads! I think it helps that Mr. Malone is the only sports figure I know anything about.

free inappropriate education (Abbbottt), Tuesday, 14 June 2011 02:02 (six years ago) Permalink

five months pass...

courtesy of dayo:

Trail Blazers history: Karl Malone, with help from Dave Checketts, reveals psychic powers to David Kahn

“You guys might laugh and say I’m crazy, but I do believe I have psychic powers,” Malone told the two reporters. “I don’t have the power to just sit here and move stuff, but I do have the power to look into the future.”

According to a story Kahn wrote for The Oregonian, Malone said he inherited his psychic ability from his mother, Shirley Turner, who also was psychic. Although she had nine children, Malone was the only one to gain his mother’s “special talent,” Kahn wrote.

your pain is probably equal (Z S), Thursday, 17 November 2011 22:08 (six years ago) Permalink

karl malone magic 8-ball, will another game ever be played in the NBA?

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3434/3305177015_bff5ddefaf_o.jpg

Daniel, Esq., Thursday, 17 November 2011 22:12 (six years ago) Permalink

two months pass...
one year passes...

should kobe keep tweeting the spurs series?

reggie (qualmsley), Thursday, 25 April 2013 22:41 (four years ago) Permalink

six months pass...

how do ouija board work??

rip van wanko, Monday, 18 November 2013 22:50 (four years ago) Permalink

nine months pass...

Dear Karl,
Is there a freeware animated gif program that would let me easily overlay text in multiple frames?

Hakeem Olajuwon Howard (Leee), Friday, 5 September 2014 22:07 (three years ago) Permalink

https://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3w6bcQznJ1r10tndo1_1280.jpg

i can't say i have a ton of experience with it, but GIMP is a free photoshop...imitator. i hesitate to call it a "clone" because i just tried using it for 20 minutes and it made me want to throw my computer out the window. but it's free. it's animation capabilities are extremely limited and it is the opposite of user-friendly. i managed to use a terrible guide (http://www.wikihow.com/Make-an-Animation-in-Gimp) to make this:

http://i.imgur.com/9hB01pC.gif

even just doing that was a struggle. where photoshop has an animation timeline where you can pick the number of frames and choose which layer(s) to display in each frame, GIMP requires you to create a single layer for each frame. so if you want a 10-frame GIF, you have to create 10 separate layers. then, to preview it, you click Filters>Animation>Playback, which lets you adjust the framerate and that's about it. It doesn't let you adjust the order of the frames, blend multiple layers in a single frame, or anything like that (at least not that i could figure out). then you can export the image as a GIF.

Karl Malone, Friday, 5 September 2014 23:02 (three years ago) Permalink

(i think GIMP also has a separate animation package called GAP that you can add that gives you more options, but in looking at screenshots and descriptions of it it looked like it was also pretty clunky)

Karl Malone, Friday, 5 September 2014 23:04 (three years ago) Permalink

one year passes...

I'm not sure that this is working correctly but I'm playing marble madness here: http://www.twitch.tv/weinventyou

Karl Malone, Friday, 6 November 2015 22:39 (two years ago) Permalink

if it's actually working please type a message here or on twitch (if you have an account). the setup was ultra-confusing for streaming mac games with voice in a separate channel (too convoluted to explain)

Karl Malone, Friday, 6 November 2015 22:40 (two years ago) Permalink

if i can figure this out i will attempt to do a marble madness marathon later, i just want to confirm that the audio isn't completely fucked up first

Karl Malone, Friday, 6 November 2015 22:47 (two years ago) Permalink

karl malone, i see u

INTOXICATING LIQUORS (art), Friday, 6 November 2015 22:53 (two years ago) Permalink

oh nice! i see you! i feel weird.

Karl Malone, Friday, 6 November 2015 22:55 (two years ago) Permalink

brb putting hall and Oates on loop gotta get the mood right

INTOXICATING LIQUORS (art), Friday, 6 November 2015 22:57 (two years ago) Permalink

It's working well! Audio/visual

Evan, Friday, 6 November 2015 22:59 (two years ago) Permalink

Did you JUST shut it off?

Evan, Friday, 6 November 2015 22:59 (two years ago) Permalink

sweet, it appears to work. yeah, i'm going to be back at 7pm EST (an hour from now) to play for real. gotta walk the dog and get a bite to eat.

my plan is to play marble madness over and over and gradually get my mad skillz back. i used to be good, but that with a real NES and a real controller. now i'm using an emulator and my cheap mac controller is really laggy - makes it difficult to play twitchy (pun intended) games like marble madness, but whatever.

Karl Malone, Friday, 6 November 2015 23:00 (two years ago) Permalink

might be back earlier if i can run my errands more quickly! brb

Karl Malone, Friday, 6 November 2015 23:00 (two years ago) Permalink

Is that your one game of expertise or is that just how... you're getting the ball rolling (with streaming on twitch)?

Evan, Friday, 6 November 2015 23:03 (two years ago) Permalink

I have all the NES and snes games, so I can do any of those. I should do SMB3 instead when I get back!

Karl Malone, Friday, 6 November 2015 23:11 (two years ago) Permalink

Plus I can still play SMB3 relatively well, even with controller lag

Karl Malone, Friday, 6 November 2015 23:11 (two years ago) Permalink

ive considered twitch before it seems like it wld be fun but i spend a lot of time yelling expletives at the screen and that prob doesnt make compelling watching

INTOXICATING LIQUORS (art), Friday, 6 November 2015 23:14 (two years ago) Permalink


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