emotional tmi

* the square black patent leather handbag with a working silver clasp that I found at a Goodwill in 2000 that, when I opened it up and smelled it, revealed itself to be my best friend's purse from high school. Her mom had given it away when she cleaned her room. It still smells like her! This was a magical moment for me.

* the black crocheted dress I found on a trash heap in front of an old woman's dilapidated old house in NC when she was being forced to move out -- after I cleaned it up, I have worn this to so many things, to work, on vacation

* these beautiful shoes
http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5021/5682211186_6cce2d75be.jpg

oh, the bff's purse? she originally got that in like 1991 when we went to a different thrift store together, and i got one similar -- the only difference was that hers smelled a little, so she sprayed it with perfume. so it is like double extra significant.

I don't know anyone else who would fit into these dresses

Kenan?

When give away clothes, I love imagining some cab driving from Somalia finding some sweater I never wear and having it make his day. With records, same scenario but with some kids who've just moved here.

No, see, that's kind of horrifying to me on both counts

And I think maybe some of that lies in how one understands being a collector, having a collection - that it's not just about desire to acquire versus desire to own, but something else (possibly to do with my difficult relationship with imaginary-future-me).

First of all, this whole post was brilliant.

But second, when c# used the word "curate", it got me thinking. What if you could stand as a STEWARD of those precious things that needed rescuing, and facilitate them going to more appreciative places than they were in when u found them? You can use them to build relationships instead -- reach out to people who are the right size, have certain tastes, maybe people you barely know, and instead of having to have the saved item be part of YOUR story, maybe you become part of the other person's story because you gave them a thing? You are weaving yourself into the tapestry of lyfe, man. Does that sort of thinking find any traction w you?

I already do that, for the most part. I am giving the above-posted shoes to someone who I know will (1) love them and (2) wear them right. There's just a core bunch of things that I feel unable to give away, not to mention that I don't meet a lot of people who want to be given emotionally laden gifts of old things, like double-old. I like the idea, but doing it is REALLY HARD for me.

That's actually what prompted me to revive this thread. I have been giving some things away. And it has been not feeling good.

la lechera do you have an etsy account?

Nope

Well, maybe? I think I have bought things before. Never sold anything.

i'm friends w/ a couple of girls who are really into vintage clothes & they make p ok money selling the stuff they find & it allows them to 'curate' their collections a little more ruthlessly than they might otherwise? also they wld probably be p interested in buying some of yr stuff so

maybe the idea of taking money off these sentimental items seems tawdry or w/e but ime theres a kind of pride to be taken in making a profit its an affirmation of yr taste & yr ability to recognize value

Also presumably the buyer is more likely to value something they spent cash money on, you have raised the bar for acquisition somewhat.

I feel like I'm sort offering crutches that will separate you from the items but allow you to maintain a feeling of connection/responsibility toward them, when really the "right" answer is probably SEVER THE BOND SEVER THE BOND.

Sometimes a dress is just a dress -- the problem of course is that I don't rly believe that either.

theres a kind of pride to be taken in making a profit its an affirmation of yr taste & yr ability to recognize value

feelin this

I've thought about that. I've had a lot of different suggestions and ideas floating around out there, and I know that there are a lot of logical, reasonable ways to handle this. The whole idea of getting rid of things is the problem. As for the $$ issue, I don't like to reward people who simply have the $$; it pleases me to give things to people who would enjoy them and maybe do not have the money to get them otherwise or are not expecting to be given a gift. It's almost only ok if it's a gift. Then I get to be part of it too.

I realize that this is extremely selfish. I don't really want anyone to affirm my taste. I want them to remember me, and that feels kind of pathetic.

I guess that was serious emotional tmi :)

I feel better about this now. It just sort of comes and goes. I guess it's something I will live with.

There is no such thing as emotional TMI as far as i'm concerned. All of favorite people are those who will share anything. The more you share, the more others can know and appreciate you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjbie1O1jxc

I think I'm getting better at this!

I like that! What have you been doing that felt partic. triumphant?

Hmmm, it's kinda hard to say. I think part of it is being a little less stressed out than I have been over the last year? It's like, everyone has their breaking point, and I had mine. Now I have been through it, know what it feels like, and know how to identify/survive it. Also trying to just be as me as I can without annoying/scaring people.

meta: ^^writing this toooootally felt like emotional tmi, but i am going to post it anyway

Annoy me annoy me!! I'm glad for you, tho sorry about the circs of the last year that made it so stressful. But yeah, getting your boundaries re-set by hardship can be really powerful and make you feel really powerful in the longer view.

Hold onto that perspective power-up -- my problem is that it lasts for a while and then I lose it and get back to normal life/emotional upheaval/caring about dumb shit again.

this is way too much work

?

sorry
i've been experiencing rather extreme mood swings lately and it's exhausting
really i can't even blame work anymore -- it's just me

could be worse, i suppose

<3 to you, LL. I veer between being massively over-emotional in public and bottling everything up for periods of time, so adding mood swings into the mix is totally not fun for my brain.

Yeah that's it p much. Going up down up down just makes me feel tired and I just want to turn the feelings machine off.

This is why I drink!

I wish I had any emotions these days

laurel otm

That was lengua-in-cheek but still...feeling things is hard and that's what vices and vacations are for?

If it were only that easy. It is not that easy.

I'm sorry. Don't know what to tell ya. My daily life and the boredome of a desk job have p much numbed a lot of that, I think? But as yesterday reminded me, I do not deal well with emotional disruptions to that humdrum existence.

It's ok -- I don't expect you to be Fix-it Laurel :)

The other day I was talking with one of my coworkers and she described me as "approachable" and I realized two things:

1) wow, what a nice thing to say. it made me feel like i have a personal quality that goes beyond professional expertise to make me effective at what i do. that is to say that i felt like maybe i am not 100% broken in this regard.

2) still, this problem is not solved because i clearly still do not feel comfortable expressing my own emotions; i can comfortably and easily carry a lot of other people's emotional weight, but when coupled with my own WOW who ever thought I would grow up to be a carriage horse?!?

btw every time i post something to this thread that is more than one sentence long, i am rather deeply embarrassed. why am i even talking about this at all? shouldn't i have irl friends or a therapist or a blog or a fucking notebook or something inanimate to talk to about my stupid ridiculous worthless pointless feelings? <-- meta question: is this type of reaction typical under these circumstances?

btw every time i post something to this thread that is more than one sentence long, i am rather deeply embarrassed. why am i even talking about this at all? shouldn't i have irl friends or a therapist or a blog or a fucking notebook or something inanimate to talk to about my stupid ridiculous worthless pointless feelings? <-- meta question: is this type of reaction typical under these circumstances?

no I feel like this all the time which is why I rarely post on the what's happening thread or post too much about my personal life. I don't know if that's healthy or not.

are you embarrassed about posting that post

I don't feel that way at all, myself. I'd rather talk to you guys than anyone in RL. (You are the only people a know who offer sympathy, rather than coldly telling me how badly I fucked up.)

It strikes me that the embarrassment and anxiety you have about having/showing the feelings might be making them a lot more work?

xp to LL

some feelings are more embarrassing to have/show than others

my stupid ridiculous worthless pointless feelings

Ahem.

are you embarrassed about posting that post

a little bit, yes :-/

i knew it!

AMANDAAAAAA

come online

i clearly still do not feel comfortable expressing my own emotions

it's okay to not, you know! i mean if you're seething about something you should probably let it out, but you needn't be an open book.

if you are 'approachable' then ppl obviously do not perceive you as remote or emotionless.

i know!

I do not deal well with emotional disruptions to that humdrum existence.

this. which came in the form of a long email from my mom received yesterday after spending the weekend together that was this incredibly distorted picture she has of me from going through my phone/drawers when i wasn't looking. apparently i am a complete mess and failure and also badly need to hit the gym and nobody is ever going to love me "like this".

we had an awful fight about it, and she called me crying at 7 this morning apologizing, but gee, the holidays are going to be a treat.

your mother said that to you? that's horrible!

omg that is way ott

What could she POSSIBLY have found in your drawers that gives her any insight whatsoever? Don't answer that because there IS no answer. Also, THAT IS WHAT SHE GETS FOR GOING THROUGH YOUR PHONE/DRAWERS OMG why is she a spy???

she saw: condoms, vibrator, psych meds. all of which i had carefully tucked away in the back of a drawer before she visited so she wouldn't see them. never mind that I AM 32 AND ALLOWED TO HAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS.

in her distorted view of the world she thought she was being "helpful". i love her, but she is nuts, and i wish i could stop feeling smothered by her at 32. i am not even doing that badly, and i don't know why she is jumping to these conclusions about me! like for example, she said that i need to stop acting desperate because that scares men away which is like...i don't talk to her about my love life EVER and i don't know where she is getting that i act "desperate" as i am actually extremely laissez-faire in that department and "finding a man" is very low on my list of priorities in life!

i'm just really not looking forward to spending thanksgiving with her for thanksgiving. and also i have to tell my therapist today i can't see her until january because i've run out of visits on my insurance.