make sure he's interested in having that friendship, too
Yes. As the drama wears off, that's the test.
― ljubljana, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 02:44 (twelve years ago) link
xxxp no, the self-destructive part was the rooting out of all my insecurities and the places the haertbreak was living, like, "Of course he left you, you lack x quality and y quality, how could you have expected anything else? Don't be ridiculous -- learn your place, feel sorry for yourself for an afternoon, then pick up and resign yourself and let's find something else to do." That kind of talk.
It was sort of cutting out the parts that were throbbing and having a sharper, cleaner pain in their place, but it was pretty hard on me, doing it.
― Back up the lesbian canoe (Laurel), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:11 (twelve years ago) link
a toothache is always worse than the pain after a root canal because your tooth has a throbbing infected nerve. once you kill the nerve and remove it (ie have a root canal), the tooth may ache from being messed with so much, but it's not the same inside-your-head pain of an infected tooth.
― deez m'uts (La Lechera), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:15 (twelve years ago) link
finding something else to do is key
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:15 (twelve years ago) link
I have an inner Yankee spinster aunt who tells me I'm being boring and self-indulgent before I am actually bored w myself necessarily. She's not very nice but she does get the job done.
― Back up the lesbian canoe (Laurel), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:31 (twelve years ago) link
man, the 'friends' thing, i don't even know why people want that. Do women tend to want it more than men? Seems that way ime but i don't know if it's that way generally
It just strikes me as the uberchallenge, when getting out of serious relationship sane and able to hopefully try it all again someday with somebody else should be enough on your plate.
― socks & pwns may break my bwns (darraghmac), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:36 (twelve years ago) link
I don't get it either, d. So many of my exes have insisted that we'll be friends afterward and I'm like, ru insane? First of all if they are the ones breaking up with me, that's IT: they don't get to have just the parts of me that they want, THERE IS NO LAUREL BUFFET. They want to be free of their commitment to me? Be free. Be very free. Be so free that you never call me or email me again.
Second is the pain & healing part, I just can't do that while keeping in touch.
― Back up the lesbian canoe (Laurel), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:48 (twelve years ago) link
First of all if they are the ones breaking up with me, that's IT: they don't get to have just the parts of me that they want, THERE IS NO LAUREL BUFFET
truth buffet imo
― socks & pwns may break my bwns (darraghmac), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:49 (twelve years ago) link
First of all if they are the ones breaking up with me, that's IT: they don't get to have just the parts of me that they want,
Yeah, I pretty much told my ex-bf that verbatim, though I broke up with him after I found out he was cheating and he didn't want to stop seeing the other girl. He's still seeing her. I told him that I couldn't completely forgive him and be close friends with him until he stopped getting with this chick.
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:54 (twelve years ago) link
THERE IS NO LAUREL BUFFET
hahaha, I'd like to imagine you actually saying this at significant break-up moments
― Virginia Plain, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:54 (twelve years ago) link
but it's hard to just jettison that history of intimacy, especially if you were with that person for a significant amount of time.
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:56 (twelve years ago) link
not as hard as trying to integrate it into your new roles as people who don't date, again just ime/o
― socks & pwns may break my bwns (darraghmac), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 16:59 (twelve years ago) link
VP, it is my goal to be a person who says that next time!! I'm glad you like it.
― Back up the lesbian canoe (Laurel), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:00 (twelve years ago) link
xp - it depends on the relationship -- really, the percentage of time spent doing things together specific to couples might be a major factor vs. percentage of time spent together doing things that friends do.
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:03 (twelve years ago) link
like we probably spent more time together at hardware stores than having sex.
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:04 (twelve years ago) link
oh i am trying so hard to think of more than y'know that one thing that fits that category
― socks & pwns may break my bwns (darraghmac), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:04 (twelve years ago) link
we really spent a lot of time at hardware stores!
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:05 (twelve years ago) link
well i spent a lot of time at hardware stores with tony o toole from inishturk in the summer of 96 but y'know he never asked to meet my dad or nothing
― socks & pwns may break my bwns (darraghmac), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:06 (twelve years ago) link
his name fits into this really well now i look again
― socks & pwns may break my bwns (darraghmac), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:07 (twelve years ago) link
I do not miss the way he insisted on carrying the 50lb bags of drywall mix rather than putting them in a cart like a normal person.
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:08 (twelve years ago) link
oh you want the 'things men do' thread imo?
― socks & pwns may break my bwns (darraghmac), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:11 (twelve years ago) link
I do not miss the way he was significantly oblivious to the organizing principles of hardware stores (considering how much time we spent in them), and would take forever to find where the thing we were looking for was kept in the store.
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:11 (twelve years ago) link
Why would you think Walgreen's would carry buss fuses?!!!
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:14 (twelve years ago) link
were with that person for a significant amount of time
I think that's totally otm at least ime but what kind of friends you want to be sort of makes a difference too, I think.
I am still friends with both my boyfriend from HS (dated 3 years) and the guy I dated off and on all through college over ten years later. I think that's been made possible mainly by the fact that we're friends on FB with every couple of months email updates type friends and not the hang out all the time type friends. I don't know if it would have been possible then.
Of course, being in touch can also lead to some fucked up and tricky situations years later. Like, oh I don't know, when one of the aforementioned visits the foreign country in which you now live with a partner and asks you out for friendly drinks during which he decides to propose to you. The evening then sets off a chain of events that result in your life spinning out of control for a while but, hey, at least it'll make for a somewhat interesting story years later and help you realize that he was always sort of an asshole and that you were always better off without him and don't really even care that much about being friends with him in the end.
― \(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:20 (twelve years ago) link
if 'Friends' ever did the movie huh
― socks & pwns may break my bwns (darraghmac), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:28 (twelve years ago) link
Yeah but with one of the male leads being a much much bigger jerk.
― \(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:31 (twelve years ago) link
what, then even ross? get out
― socks & pwns may break my bwns (darraghmac), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:37 (twelve years ago) link
ha
― \(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:37 (twelve years ago) link
d - "things men do" and "things my ex-bf does because he has a huge martyr complex" overlap, but are not exactly the same.
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:41 (twelve years ago) link
I tried playing the martyr at the end of a relationship once, but even at the time it felt cheap and wrong and I've never done it again.
― Johnny Fever, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 17:44 (twelve years ago) link
xp Walgreens does sell Buss fuses, actually.
― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 23:29 (twelve years ago) link
^best post
― jeff, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 23:47 (twelve years ago) link
For me, not talking, not 'normalising', the suddenness of someone disappearing, cause more pain than weaning myself off someone gradually and changing my relationship with them. For others, it's vice versa. Both totally valid responses. My own issue is making sure I handle it ok and don't go too far too quickly with expecting a friendship.
Mind you, I'm only talking about people I really cared about. If I've lost all respect for them by the time of the breakup, then I won't want to stay friends (although would much prefer everything to be at least amicable).
Laurel, I also welcome the inner aunt. Usually, better her than people who try to tell you how they can't believe this has happened to you yet again because you are so fabulous, when you feel your lest fabulous ever and just can't help but feel they are lying.
― ljubljana, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 23:49 (twelve years ago) link
Clearly my ex-bf needs to move to Florida, because the Walgreen's here do not sell buss fuses.
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 23:50 (twelve years ago) link
wth is a buss fuse?
― \(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Wednesday, 4 May 2011 23:51 (twelve years ago) link
http://lighting-electrical.org/_cache/Fuses/img/Buss_Fuse_0.jpg
― sarahel, Wednesday, 4 May 2011 23:54 (twelve years ago) link
Are those the old-style screw-in fuses that someone might have instead of circuit breakers?
― mh, Thursday, 5 May 2011 04:34 (twelve years ago) link
Burn it down and salt the earth.
― Back up the lesbian canoe (Laurel), Friday, April 29, 2011 10:26 AM (2 weeks ago) Bookmark
this is the best advice imo
― Serial Chiller (sunny successor), Friday, 13 May 2011 16:45 (twelve years ago) link
I want an answer to the fuse question.
― Confused Turtle (Zora), Friday, 13 May 2011 18:54 (twelve years ago) link
it was re friends after iirc also otm
― Rev'erendoors (darraghmac), Friday, 13 May 2011 19:55 (twelve years ago) link
so. broke up with the girl 7 or so months ago. currently very much single and miserable - now i see on facebook the ex is seeing some dude. i feel like i lost. wtf. i shouldn't care but i do.
― got electrolytes (The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall), Saturday, 14 May 2011 00:56 (twelve years ago) link
That feeling goes away
― it is sad but their is so much beauty (forksclovetofu), Saturday, 14 May 2011 00:57 (twelve years ago) link
but it's ok to feel shitty over it for the time being too iirc
― Rev'erendoors (darraghmac), Saturday, 14 May 2011 01:00 (twelve years ago) link
it's not like i want her back either. i think i feel like i failed because i'm still single maybe.
― got electrolytes (The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall), Saturday, 14 May 2011 01:02 (twelve years ago) link
but... you broke up with her?
― tehresa, Saturday, 14 May 2011 01:02 (twelve years ago) link
yup. i know.
do you want to be in another relationship right now?
― sarahel, Saturday, 14 May 2011 01:03 (twelve years ago) link
i'd like to be at this point.
― got electrolytes (The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall), Saturday, 14 May 2011 01:03 (twelve years ago) link
of some kind.
seriously, when they're with someone else for the first time after, logic doesn't come into it, you're gonna take a hit
― Rev'erendoors (darraghmac), Saturday, 14 May 2011 01:04 (twelve years ago) link