thread to get over a breakup

clearly dude had personal issues rox

rox dodging bullets

dodge this, douchebag

I mean...

you talked down to me
you talked down to me
you talked down to me
you talked down to me

That is not reflective of you.

well, this guy is what happens when an ex-neocon/southern baptist minister goes to school and studies philosophy

what the hell else is he going to do

good thing you're out.

thanks

(all this aside^^^, this is tough. i've hung out with this guy almost every day for a year. :( it's a tough, tough transition. the stuff in this thread is what i need to remind myself of, cause it's not what's on my mind right now, really)

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1410/641350866_417d21b2c7.jpg?v=0

when i told you i was feeling depressed and wanted to start going to therapy you said "oh god, im so glad youre not pregnant. i thought something was really wrong"

lol

stay strong, rox!!!!

it was news to you that "women are sluts if they sleep around but men are to be celebrated for it" is a fucked up idea

(thanking u tza)

you hate opeth

you would never come to my house! why

wait, didn't you live with some weird dude who just disappeared one day???

haha, my old roommate. he came back. i meant my other house!

you made many hilarious jokes about how you were manipulating me

your pants are too short

i thought that was cute though, tbh

^^^does not belong on this thread, lol

kia kaha, roxy, you are a grand girl imo.

thanks estela!

when you did something fucked up and hurtful to me and i called you out on it your response was essentially "i am sorry you're crazy"

i was incredibly poor on your birthday and i busted my ass to get us underworld tickets which is what you said you wanted (and you invited your friends to come with us, <3 them but srsly dude), i made you a cd of underworld joints, and i bought you a present on top of that and wrapped it in a picture of gaahl from gorgoroth with a speech bubble reading "for you, matt" and a thought bubble with a cartoon cow inside

why did you complain that your birthday sucked, i really did my best

i am going ot punch this dude

this guy seems like a true asshole

u did right to get out rox

oh, that makes it sound like i paid for his friends too, i didn't. they got tickets when he invited them. i guess i just wanted it to be just us :(

you never really took to my cats!!!!

you would always loan me the worst of your shirts when i needed one, like shirts that were XXL and had a restaurants name on them

this is why i stole your enslaved shirt that you bought on our first date and i am not returning it, maybe

you have some seriously dumb male friends, but i guess you only consider women airheads or idiots so its not a thing

^this is a little disingenuous actually

ah fuck it

you would never get up and turn off the light!!!

at my house, i would turn off the light.

why would you never TURN OFF THE LIGHT!!!

RUDE

making a face like you have a bomb to drop and then when questioned abuot it "we have talked about enough serious things today" and go write a secret blog entry or something about it. yes, you are the admin of the relationship and you have successfully /banned me, thankig u

feeling better, thanks all

why was i feeling bad for dumping ^^^this man?

hugz

lou has the right attitude about this kinda thing

thanks

(cant see youtube at work, is that sebadoh?!!?!?)

you act like michael amott is a second class citizen!

you never made me coffee even once <<<<<<<<<WTF

when i was puking my guts out you jauntily strolled into the bathroom eating a bowl of cereal

ok that was pretty hilarious actually

you watched family guy, but to be fair you were pretty noncommittal about it

http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&safe=active&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&rlz=1I7ADBF_en&resnum=0&q=noncommittal&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi

you thought i was having an affair with (lol) CORNY PROG FUCK

ever since i came back from new york you acted like you could give a fuck if i lived or died, why

every time i did a project of any type with other people you complimented the other people's contribs and not mine, not even in private

wow sic that's impressive! seems you're a pretty dedicated cinephile too...

The secret is you need a good repertory cinema nearby. But I think with Øst for Paradis collaborating with Cinemateket, it should be very doable in both Aarhus and Copenhagen.

there's never such a thing as a clean break eh?
a big problem right now is that I currently work with the person I broke up with upthread. turns out, from a text message exchange I had over the weekend, she's still holding out on the possibility of getting back together. She blames her history of anxiety issues on ruining our relationship and thinks that with counselling she can work to fix our relationship. I've tried to be clear that it's more than this, and that my decision is clear.
One of the big issues we had when we were together was a dismissal of my emotional needs (I was always 'being sensitive' or made to feel like I was 'making it all up' if I tried to address problem areas), and once again it feels like my own wishes are not being taken seriously - I don't really mean it when I say I don't want to get back together.
when we broke up, I wasn't quite ready to block her from my Facebook but I did try putting her on my acquaintances list. sure enough, I got asked why I did this and felt a bit silly and put her back on my regular list.
Then, if ever I post anything that might sound positive on FB I get a text saying something like 'glad to see you're having a nice time with your friends while I'm here feeling miserable' or somesuch, naturally not realising that I don't post about the time I nearly sobbed into my breakfast in front of my own dad this weekend etc..
Anyway the moral of the story is: if you break up with someone, even if you think you're able to remain friends in the future, just block them from social media, write down each others numbers, put them in a safe place and delete the number off your phones. Then work out how you're going to share the same piece of office carpet for 40 hours a week.

on the plus side, I've taken this as an opportunity to deactivate my Facebook account* despite really needing social interaction at the moment. I've spent way too much time in the last few weeks moronically scrolling through feeds and posting up every little brainfart I ever had. it's bad for me and it's time to start living life in a more productive way.

*by the way, has anyone tried this? FFS they really don't make it easy do they? I wanted to deactivate my account and it says CATEGORICALLY that you can deactivate Facebook while keeping Messenger going. But after going through the quite rigorous deactivation process and deleting the app, lo and behold after two hours it's magically reappeared on my phone and I've received an email saying that because I logged into Messenger, my Facebook account has been reactivated. What in the fucking fuckety fuck is going on?

once again it feels like my own wishes are not being taken seriously - I don't really mean it when I say I don't want to get back together.

this reads strangely. I should clarify that it's she who doesn't believe I don't want to get back together

While my own experience (see 77) has been remarkably different from yours, I've a friend who's going through something like what you describe DL. Her man just does not accept it's over. She's told him over and over and over and he thinks it's either: a) a power game, b) she's "not in her right mind", c) she has a fear of commitment, d) all of the above etc etc. It's just not getting through! He even said she needs therapy.. Yeah, no.
Her complication being they are living together. He's made no attempt whatsoever at leaving, because he really does not seem to believe she means what she says. He just thinks it's a "phase". Good lord. She's set an ultimatum for him to get out of her house, he's just not doing it. Afraid that can get really ugly.

also facebook screws with you and is the devil and complicates *everything*, break-ups are no exception. I feel you there.

jesus that's a lawyers/big friends/strychnine in the coffee situation

that sounds horrible LBI. jeez I guess I can relate on both sides. when my previous, longer term relationship broke down, it took me a long time to get out of the denial stage. we lived together in a limbonic cohabiting separation for three months before finally moving apart. really hope your friend can get the message through and that her ex sees sense

i stumbled on a podcast today (gotta do something now I'm off FB eh?) which is currently focusing on break ups. A big part of the message for 'dumpers' is their responsibility to be clear as possible without committing a character assassination.
one bit of advice was for them to begin with the things they've enjoyed about the relationship before explaining why their needs are not being fulfilled, which is good advice I guess. Then there was a whole bit about wanting to protect people's feelings and therefore coming off as ambiguous about the break up. it's fine and good advice but all people are different and take these things in completely different ways.

another story in that podcast was about a guy who knocked on his ex girlfriend's door a year after their break up. they'd both been using an app that let's you pay for transactions for other people (so you can pay someone back for a coffee they bought you or something), and unless you mark them as so, these transactions are public. they can also include little comments, emojis etc.
So this guy was like 'I'm still able to see your transactions and it's eating me up because I can see you've bought this Joe guy a breakfast sandwich. I can see you've moved on with your life while I'm here a year later unable to move on with mine'.
Joe was a colleague. There was nothing to this transaction beyond friendship. But this guy had seen the transaction and created a whole narrative in his mind. And then he was bitter at his ex for getting over the breakup before him.
In turn, she felt angry because not only had this guy invented a whole scenario based on a social media transaction, but he had failed to consider the weeks and months where she had cried and felt terrible and sorry for herself post-breakup. She felt as though she'd done the necessary healing and mending work to get back on her feet, while he was blaming her for his inability to do the same.

that sounds horrible LBI. jeez I guess I can relate on both sides. when my previous, longer term relationship broke down, it took me a long time to get out of the denial stage. we lived together in a limbonic cohabiting separation for three months before finally moving apart. really hope your friend can get the message through and that her ex sees sense

Yeah, same here. And I understand it's a tough break after 8 years, but... It's her house, he moved in with her. She's been very strong and adamant about not wanting to leave her home, but is staying with friends this week, just because the toxic atmosphere became too much to bear (and he actually believes she went away this week to "think about things", ie. sees it as a chance she'll come back and say she made a mistake or whatever. Which is def not the case, she explicitly told him she can't stand his ignorance and refusal to LISTEN to her. It's just not getting through. Or he's playing a game himself. If his behaviour doesn't change I too fear lawyers will have to be involved. She tried to avoid it also because he'll be out on the street, and has little to no money, but there's no other way. This has been dragging on for a month now, and he's getting very pass-agg. No joke: yesterday he 'gifted' her a first aid kit, for her to use to 'fix' the relationship. That's when she knew she had to get the hell out of there... o_O)

Strychnine in his cuppa sounds about right. Will see if LJ can hook me up with the Russians.

oh.. God.. Love. If there's one thing that drives people mad huh?

Anyway the moral of the story is: if you break up with someone, even if you think you're able to remain friends in the future, just block them from social media, write down each others numbers, put them in a safe place and delete the number off your phones.

this advice is timely since i woke up this morning to a notification on my fone saying "X has joined Signal!". the only reason she would have installed an encrypted messenger for dorks is that she must be seeing some dork who made her install it. on top of that instagram constantly recommending that i follow her etc etc. our breakup was more or less amicable, she's still a good person and i cherish the years we had, so i feel weird deleting her off my fone. but jesus fuck these social media apps and their notifications just will not stfu

we use it as a communication tool especially re: the children but tbh yeah it's not that i'm jealous or wish her anything but joy it's just painful sometimes to see her life with me not in it

and i guess a question for the folks in the thread: how long is too long iyo for the memory to still get you choked up? it's been a year since my breakup and i'd say i'm doing well but whenever i remember my old life, her family, the places we visited, our home, the failed relationship, i still get teary eyed. surely i should be past that at this point?

i'll tell you if it wears off. it's been 6 years.

how long is too long iyo for the memory to still get you choked up?

There's no "too long". It's ok. xp

well good to know that it's normal, thanks all

the gaps get wider and the quality of the sadness/remorse changes over time tbf

'these things heal with time'... well yes and no. it ebbs and flows. you might find that three days out of a relationship the feeling of catharsis and relief has you feeling invincible. Eight months later you find an old t-shirt in a drawer...

yeah, definitely. during my last big breakup i almost felt guilty about how happy i felt 2 weeks later. i felt like i had a new lease on life, i wanted to go out every night, i started making plans for camping trips and took up duolingo and devoured books in coffeeshops. my ex even got mad at me about how happy i seemed to be, like "why weren't you were like this before? it's all i wanted!" but then a few months later, just unending waves of sadness and regret, no hope at all. but as NV says, the gaps get wider. the euphoria of the near-aftermath dissipates but so do the unexpected crying incidents.

otm to all of that. no euphoria here tho, mostly feeling v sad for the other half. which won't do her any good, i know.

feeling sad for the other person is a big thing. knowing that someone's in pain because of you, well... maybe it doesn't concern some people as much, but for me it's a nightmare.

i'm back at work today after a bit of a break away, and as expected it's a very tense and unnatural atmosphere to be in.

you didn't like herzog. or tarkovsky. or free jazz. and you made me turn off king krule and forced me to listen to ray lamontagne. other than that you were a spectacular person. but ... look, i don't even care about the free jazz. but ray lamontagne was a total deal breaker. peace b with u.

<3

hahaha

the man is a troubadour!

lol

coming to good consensus music picks is difficult, best to have shared tastes that neither of you are that into for a trial period so you don't come to associate anything you truly love with an ex

Cheers to Noodle Vague, diamdonddave85, and others in the long-term breakup-sadness crew. It's coming up on six years since my big breakup, and it's true, the sadness comes and goes unpredictably.

Tonight I've been reflecting, for about the millionth time, on the fact that there are things she could tell me--about what our relationship was really like for her, especially at the end, and how she perceives it now--that could change the way I feel about myself and my life profoundly. But we'll never talk about these things. I doubt she thinks about them at all now, and I certainly don't want to reveal that I do. For better or for worse, I'll never know. Usually I'm alright with that, given that the truth could devastate me. But sometimes the frustration of not knowing is just too much.

where is the bottom

God you think you're alright, you think you're through it, you feel independent and actually find yourself enjoying the mild thrill of all that. Then you decide to take yourself off somewhere one mildly-hungover afternoon when your senses are a bit all over the place and instantly realise that the only time you went there before was 10 years ago when romance was still blossoming and it was with her and suddenly the emotion it's ambushing...

Hugs dude.

I dunno, those feelings are testament to something that was worthwhile and at least that's something. It beats not feeling anything.

<3

Heard a new word the other day 'tabanca', a West Indian term that Google describes as 'a painful feeling of unrequited love, typically for a former lover and causing unbalanced or violent behaviour'.

Discovered the opposite of a seven year itch. In the last couple of weeks I've dreamt about my ex 4 or 5 times - dreams of still being together or of breaking apart. You're not helping, subconscious.

I wonder if it's a "thing" -- i remember going through it around that time. Realized yesterday that I have no logical reason to have a kitchen table, because I drink coffee in bed and eat in front of the tv, though my ex would have his morning coffee at that table, but he hasn't lived with me for 9 years, so I might as well move that table into the room I use as my office, where it would be useful, and then I can have more room for storage where the kitchen table is now.

I'm sure it is a thing. I'm under the weather and depressive atm and I'm dealing with that consciously as best as I know how so this is Probly some escape valve for my brain. The recurrence is unsettling and annoying tho

also winter

Yeah, especially the darkness

when you find things you hate/have no use for/think are ugly but somehow kept hanging around because your ex liked them and they literally became part of the furniture. Getting rid of those things can be very liberating

i haven't directly read or watched marie kondo, but as i understand, you should ask yourself if those items bring you joy, and then say thank you to them before discarding

i definitely did not follow that advice the last time i was getting over a breakup. i believe i just held the items in my hand for a while, crying, before throwing them in the garbage and drinking heavily

i moved the table into my office, moved my music gear around to take advantage of the space left by the table and actually played/practiced. I am accepting that I won't have that romantic domesticity anymore, and I'm just gonna be a single person with space to play percussion and electronics and have a bunch of books and that is fine.

Drifting towards a similar realisation but not quite at the "it's fine" stage most days

heh - it's only been "fine" for 3 days so ... and it's been 9 years since we split. I feel like I suck at getting over breakups considering how long it's been. The other posters in this thread seem way better at it than me.

I'm mostly over the breakup, despite the last couple of weird weeks. I think part of the process of getting over it was recognising how much it was my fault, and waking up to my bad behaviour. I think that's also partly why I'm resigning myself to a single future - it's hard to meet people looking for a relationship as you get older, and I really don't feel like I'm a catch, or trust myself to do the work to become one, :/

you proposed to plax yesterday!

I know but they never replied ;_;

He likes oatmeal iirc

anyway <3 to all obv