thread to get over a breakup

thanks T! (sorry for the very slow reply - I have been keeping busy aka drinking)

sarahel, I have a great deal of empathy with that position.

I can vouch for keeping busy being good therapy, especially if one can be busy in good company. I spent the weekend at Eastercon and feel about a mile taller as a result of some good old fashioned booze and banter with friends. And a nice hotel pool!

Very sorry, lj. You are a marevelous lady and I know you will bounce back wonderfully!

Marvelous, even. Damn it is early. I got up to watch your royalty wed!

Ljubljana I meant to say: I agree that you're doing the right thing. I used to think unrequited love was the worst deal ever, but half-requited love is so much worse, because it traps you in the land of could-have-been-almost-happy. I hope the drinking is going well for you - or better yet, that you're finding more and more ways to move through the pain and enjoy life.

(quincie: still think u mad!)

thought for just a sec that surfing was LJ

Could-have-been-almost-happy is exactly right. At the moment it feels like it would be way more than enough and a million times better than the future, so trying not to think about the future.

Thinking about the 'friends' dilemma. I just don't think I'm prepared to *not* stay friends, it would be too much of a waste. But I'm overwhelmed by the thought of dragging this feeling out any longer than it has to last. In some ways I think it's good to see him regularly (like, once every week on a weekday for a drink) for say a month, then taper it off. That way you know they're there, you know you're still friends, but you can dial back the face time.

Pro tips?

Burn it down and salt the earth.

I don't think I can bring myself to.

From experience it is very hard to be friends with your ex. There's too much emotion involved and it can exacerbate the pain that heartbreak brings. Cliche, but time is a great healer, and you need to look after yourself and adapt to this new part of your life. Ask yourself, do you really think you can see him and be okay? What if he got a new girlfriend? Or started behaving differently from when you were together? Could you honestly be able to handle that?

I think that's why I want to see him just for a bit (maybe a month) a few times, and then taper it off. I guess during the next month or so he's unlikely to meet someone new and so now is the time to build that foundation for whatever we want later, if anything.

It's not so much that I want to see him all the time - I couldn't handle that at all - I certainly couldn't handle him getting a new girl if I was seeing a lot of him. It's more that I want to make sure we've seen each other a few times, we're ok with each other, we still *like* each other, and then everything is open to our own choices later on about how often we see each other - maybe not often at all, maybe never, maybe twice a year, maybe more.

If you can picture yourself being totally cool with it if he brings his new gf down to the pub, you are ready to be friends. Anything else and you're kidding yourself on, imho. But do whatever makes you feel least awful.

Me, I'm finding that contact with the ex just stirs up all the sorrow, and although I miss him fiercely and we still get along really well when we do talk, it kicks me in the gut when I hang up the phone. Overall, I'm happiest when he's farthest from my mind.

xpost, same sentiment as rosie!

Try seeing him once and play it by ear?

only spend time with him if/when you really need to or want to. there is generally an angry phase that you go through. it is best to avoid him during that time.

Yeah, once is probably the way to go and take it from there. I already spoke to him on the phone mid-week (to do that conversation where you ask all the questions you were too stunned to ask when you broke up). It was calm and ok for the most part. But yes, hanging up the phone is hell.

Alternative is to not see him for a few months, then go out for a drink. But what I'm afraid of then is that he'll have moved on and I won't have (enough). Get it over with, kind of thing. I feel like angry phase has already gone. May be kidding myself!

when you do see him, do not make it the high point/climax of the day. So early drinks or dinner on a weeknight or something in the afternoon on a weekend. Have something else planned afterward. Something enjoyable and something to look forward to, like drinks/hanging with friends, or going to a show or out dancing, or a delicious meal or drink on your own.

the concept behind this is that you don't want to feel that after you part ways, you will be going home to clean up cat poop, put away laundry, or finish a project you need to get done for work, and feel pathetic. Instead, you have other fulfilling things to do ... WITHOUT HIM!

everyone is different, and the following advice is only from my own experience but:

cut all contact now. NOW. email him or call him and let him know that you really look forward to a great friendship in the future, that you think he's great etc. but some time to yourself is what you need first. and then stick to it. no drunk-dialing. no but-what-if-i-changed-x-about-me pleading emails. the sooner you cut off contact, the sooner you can start moving on and the sooner you can reclaim a decent friendship.

when enough time has passed that you at least think you're over him, contact him for a short meet-up. if, at the end of that meet-up, you don't really feel much except a little sentimental/nostalgic, then you're ok. if you feel terrible and sad, cut him off again for another few months. rinse and repeat.

R, you seem like an awesome lady to me - there will be someone else out there.

counterpoint

I think that's why I want to see him just for a bit (maybe a month) a few times, and then taper it off.

this sounds entirely reasonable, rational and practical if it was an amicable breakup to me

It's not so much that I want to see him all the time - I couldn't handle that at all - I certainly couldn't handle him getting a new girl if I was seeing a lot of him.

and this sounds like you've got a v good perspective on this approach

like, people will say "but it will hurt when you have seen him and then you are home alone later on!" but fuck it, it will hurt when you DON'T see him and are thus alone THEN and ALSO later on. saying goodbye to things you liked about being with him is a good way to get used to not having those things anymore imo.

and if it does just hurt then you can decide to pull the band-aid off.

Just1n3, that's a timely reminder on the firmness. I met a friend for a drink last night and she texted me to tell me that my ex was in the bar where she was waiting for me. This is pretty funny as it is a standing joke that he doesn't get out much (although he does hang out occasionally in this particular bar) so people were all 'at least you won't bump into him'. We went elsewhere but I was very tempted to text him with 'lol were you in x bar tonight because the funny thing is...' Didn't.

saying goodbye to things you liked about being with him is a good way to get used to not having those things anymore

Yes, that's kind of the idea, so that feeling doesn't drag out till I see him again months later. And it might do the opposite, and drag it out. In which case it's the Just1n3 plan, which I am going to keep as a very active and ready to go Plan B. I like the 'just nostalgia' criterion.

And... if I don't see him soon I'll be sad because I know he'll be waiting and disappointed that I'm not in touch. I know this isn't my responsibility at all, but I just want to make everything less sad.

I know I'm more a lurker than a poster so I really appreciate everyone pitching in.

From personal experience I find not being friends till you get eveything out of your system. Let the other person know how much you are hurting and you really can't be a friend till you work it out. At that point be friends.

sic makes a great point - i just think that it's easier to be rational about these things in theory, but the reality usually ends up being different.

OTM

likely otm. I will give my/sic's way a go but remain very open to Plan B aka Plan Just1n3.

Just remember that you won't always be like this, heartbreak is so painful, it will get better, you won't always feel like this. Just do what's right for you, look after yourself and think about what amazing things the future holds for you.

Wish I was good at taking my own advice ;)

gonna otm some points made here, speaking from experience in the ongoing saga of my own recent breakup:

- if you can stand seeing him with someone else, you're ready to try and rebuild a friendship. my ex and i agreed to keep contact to a minimum. still great to see her, but remembering that she's been seeing someone else is too much
- there's logic, then there's emotion. the logic of 'breakup → friendship' is easy-peasy. any emotion in the way of that is something else entirely and can't be gotten around through rationalization. respect that. keep your distance if shit starts souring.
- patience and perseverance. rebuilding socially and emotionally requires juggling multiple things all at once, on one leg, using the other to balance it all. just do it and get through the day. little victories.

all otm.

I think it depends what kind of friendship you want, too - regular contact or occasional drink. We don't really share a group of friends so we can control that very easily as it'll be just us seeing one another, probably. Need to think about that, but probably later.

It's a good thing I'm away for a couple of weeks in June.

Its been 12 months but I'm now able to hang out with my most recent ex and not feel sad or weird at all. In fact it was *great* to see him last night and realise we still had a v close friendship that appears to have come out unscathed. Now we can both get back to whinging about our love lives to each other again like we used to before we dated haha.

But it did take a while - at first I'd feel sad and bummed out any time I saw him.

Trayce, is that partly to do with having a new bf or did it happen before that?

I am just starting to get along with my first boyfriend on a friends basis & it has been eight years since last we dated.

ljub - actually it is more to do with him no longer having that girlfriend, if I'm really honest, haha! Because she was (part of) the cause of our breakup I couldnt stand to be near her. If he sees someone else now I wont care less. Funny how that works.

It's more that I want to make sure we've seen each other a few times, we're ok with each other, we still *like* each other, and then everything is open to our own choices later on about how often we see each other - maybe not often at all, maybe never, maybe twice a year, maybe more.

i think there's a very good point here. i had a situation where we kept in contact briefly, but then it dissipated. months later, we finally reconnected and saw each other, and i was so terrified that i would fall apart afterwords, but i didn't. and that was promising. and what it really boiled down to was that i wanted to maintain the friendship that inspired our original connection, because i genuinely thought he was one of the greatest people i've known. but by the time we reconnected he wasn't really interested in having a friendship, and i'm still sad that i lost that. probably more so than the loss of the relationship. so maybe what i'm saying is, if you can salvage a great friendship, go for it, but make sure he's interested in having that friendship, too.

I think thats the worst thing too, losing a friend more than the relationship. I'm very glad that didnt happen with my last 2 partners, and the ones before that werent really friends before being bfs so it wasnt such a loss, really, after the dust settled. Sad when that happens tho. :(

Excerpted from thehairpin.com because it seemed to me to be basically, constitutionally true and this is exactly what I did even though at the time it seemed recklessly self-destructive but maybe I'm just like that:

You gotta hurt. This is the worst part, but do you really want to get over this thoroughly and move on with your life and not still be talking about this person many years from now? OK. Then you have to go to all of the places where the pain is and feel every single bit of it. You have to seek out the pain like you're playing a videogame where you get a point every time you find and deal with another aspect of your heartbreak. You have to tread and re-tread all the neural pathways and smoke it all out and give voice to all of your deepest fears about your loss and then conquer it by telling a new story about it. The story that's always worked for me is "I was lucky to experience this relationship and I've learned from it, and just because a relationship ends doesn't mean someone failed." Just kidding, that has never worked for anyone, but try it on anyway because hopefully that's how you will actually feel in a few months. Only time works, but it always works. You will get over this person. You are NOT the exception to the rule. Feel the pain until it bores you.

Feel the pain until it bores you OTM

http://i.imgur.com/m01u7.png

Excerpted from thehairpin.com because it seemed to me to be basically, constitutionally true and this is exactly what I did even though at the time it seemed recklessly self-destructive but maybe I'm just like that:

i went into full-on self-destructive mode after a breakup years ago. i don't recommend it.

i didn't mind the breakup per se, so much, i guess that was my fault. but it deeply bothered me that i lost her as a friend. i'm not a grudge-holder, so that confused me.

Self-destructive mode is such an easy answer because it's easy to feel devalued or down on yourself after a breakup. I mean, wallowing in self-pity or slumming it for a bit has its appeal, but you've got to bounce out of that or at least not do anything that you're going to regret in the long term.

I think that both the 'try and establish a friendship now so that you don't add regrets to your list of painful things' and 'feel the pain, all of it, now' can work together. All too easily, probably. I guess a lot depends on how patient the other party can be with you during the establishing-friendship phase. I will be testing all this out Thursday night.

I also think 'feel the pain until it bores you' is nicely put. I sort of remember that feeling and can't wait for that day. Currently alternating between feeling nothing and feeling in a blind panic that I did the wrong thing and cheated myself out of some great times and a deepening relationship. Sort of hoping this will be disproved Thursday night after some just-got-to-ask-you questioning.

make sure he's interested in having that friendship, too

Yes. As the drama wears off, that's the test.

xxxp no, the self-destructive part was the rooting out of all my insecurities and the places the haertbreak was living, like, "Of course he left you, you lack x quality and y quality, how could you have expected anything else? Don't be ridiculous -- learn your place, feel sorry for yourself for an afternoon, then pick up and resign yourself and let's find something else to do." That kind of talk.

It was sort of cutting out the parts that were throbbing and having a sharper, cleaner pain in their place, but it was pretty hard on me, doing it.

a toothache is always worse than the pain after a root canal because your tooth has a throbbing infected nerve. once you kill the nerve and remove it (ie have a root canal), the tooth may ache from being messed with so much, but it's not the same inside-your-head pain of an infected tooth.

finding something else to do is key

I have an inner Yankee spinster aunt who tells me I'm being boring and self-indulgent before I am actually bored w myself necessarily. She's not very nice but she does get the job done.

man, the 'friends' thing, i don't even know why people want that. Do women tend to want it more than men? Seems that way ime but i don't know if it's that way generally

It just strikes me as the uberchallenge, when getting out of serious relationship sane and able to hopefully try it all again someday with somebody else should be enough on your plate.

I don't get it either, d. So many of my exes have insisted that we'll be friends afterward and I'm like, ru insane? First of all if they are the ones breaking up with me, that's IT: they don't get to have just the parts of me that they want, THERE IS NO LAUREL BUFFET. They want to be free of their commitment to me? Be free. Be very free. Be so free that you never call me or email me again.

Second is the pain & healing part, I just can't do that while keeping in touch.