Rate the people sitting across or next to you on public transport

Guy with dyed black hair in a ponytail and Devil's goatee who obviously fancied himself as some kinda sinister-yet-charismatic leader but had his powers somewhat diminished by the box of donuts he was carrying: 5/10

Four-year-old kid in old England away shirt who smelled strongly of shit and spilled some Volvic over me: 3/10

talking of which, girl who tried to give me head on back seat of bus 7/10 (i already knew her)

Score for blowjob or girl?

Girl who spent the whole journey from Bank to Tottenham Court Road applying Mabeline Great Lash mascara at the kind of speed normally associated with sloths, continental drift etc. Your precision technique and self-absorbed narcissism made me feel really ill for some reason and it didn't make any difference to your appearence after the first coat. 2/10 (Points for having a cool dress.)

no one specific, but why do people think physical contact is acceptable on public transport? i know the bus is crowded, but it only takes a minimum of effort to keep some air space between our arms. do not want your smelly, sweaty flesh pressed against mine.

I fucking loathe temporarily not having a car.

Loud Aboriginal bloke shouting at his wife: 2/10
Twenty-something girl looking for all the world like a 12-year-old going to her friend's for a sleepover: 6/10
Fourty-something dickhead in denim shirt trying to read The Australian: 0/10

Score for blowjob or girl?

girl. as there was no blowjob on the bus ('tried'). anyway, after the last couple i'd kill for a 7

Every idiot that wants to get off the 721 before Flinders University and complains loudly when the bus driver won't let them off: 10/10 (for comedy value)

woman who got on bus at tower bridge, and asked driver could he drive down this cobbled street with the rest of her coach party on board, because their coach was too big 7.7/10

I've mentioned this before but as it was the last time I went on a bus in London (except one of those tourist buses) I'll say it again.

Man, who when he got on the top deck of the bus, everybody (except me) went downstairs (which struck me as odd), and who then started shouting that he was gonna stab everybody on the bus and seemed to be screaming "what the fuck are looking at" at the back of my head. minus 10/10.

(luckily - as I am a coward and was rooted to the spot in fear - the bus driver stopped the bus came running up the stairs and shouted "i've told you before, if you keep abusing the passengers you're going to have to get off the bus" and led me downstairs. So he get's 11 out of 10.

no one specific, but why do people think physical contact is acceptable on public transport? i know the bus is crowded, but it only takes a minimum of effort to keep some air space between our arms. do not want your smelly, sweaty flesh pressed against mine.

-- lex pretend, Monday, July 9, 2007 9:54 AM (53 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

Sorry Lex, this is probably me, I cannot keep my balance.

Black kids jumps on chasing his friends who hare it upstairs without paying. He then addresses the downstairs with a quick comedy routine on how all black people can not be trusted apart from one dude in a suit he notices. Basically like the best skits off the Sway mixtapes but real. 9/10

Lex: Man of the People

Guy spending entire journey making that teeth-sucking noise: 3/10

Woman in front of me on train who smelt like she'd been airing her clothes in a room full of half-smoked Marlboro Lights for a hundred years: 0/10
(Gained points for not joining in communal moaning about smoking ban, but lost them again because I had a hangover.)

Skinny girl with baggy jeans, Timberlands, chunky, bad weave and plastic TMNT backpack: 8/10

I agree with The Lex. I could not think of anything worse than coming into physical contact on public transport with someone like this guy:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v424/runmdc/ilovethearcticmonkeys.jpg

Ugh!

Gay dude with presumably ironic Housemartins haircut putting his fucking feet across two seats despite it being rush hour on the 1718 from Slough to London Paddington, going "OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD" into his mobile repeatedly while talking about how "outrageous" he and his friends were: 0/10

nobody is coming out of that with any credit tbh

Dear bored-looking student solving a neon-colored Rubik's Cube at lightning speed, then dropping it back into her neon-colored purse, you are a 9.5/10.

Dear gang of Belgians chatting to the guy with the super-English accent who looks and sounds kind of like someone I vaguely know (hope it wasn't),

I appreciate that you don't want to carry your wheely suitcases upstairs, but the downstairs of the bus is full and the upstairs of the bus is 99% empty and you're sitting on the stairs goddammit do you not see a problem here

0/10, or if I feel generous 2/10 and everyone with a seat and no infirmities on the ground floor docked 2 points for not moving upstairs for you, but it's the hottest day of the year so I don't feel very generous

Dear blonde guy called Lars with a Richard Spencer haircut, a mauve lurex blazer, a designer jute bag, and Laura Ashley patterned shorts, drunkenly chatting up every Arab-looking man on a late night commuter train, you get eight points for chutzpah and minus nine for style.

Daerest fattey chewing out three public servants on behalf of your unemployed boyfriend, then breaking up with said boyfriend over a minor quibble, over the phone, in a matter of twenty minutes, while munching down a bag of chips, you live your life to the fullest and I respect that. 8/10

Sitting in a railway waiting room in Crewe right now. A man comes over, "Is it Kevin Price, a rock band, Amen Corner?". Me, "Sorry?. Man, "Like Liverpool, like battle fort". Me, "Sorry, I've got no idea what you're talking about'. Then he goes to the bar to buy a pint of Caffrey's, from a very doubtful barman,, having demolished a pint of cider already, leaves it on a table, goes to the door, turns round and points to a man who just come in and says to me, "He's Amen Corner drummer eleven". Then leaves, no sign of him returning as yet.

... so I'm back in Crewe and he's here again, I've been here 20 minutes and he's on his third pint of Caffreys - fiver a pint in a railway bar, they must love this guy. No Amen Corner related outbursts as yet.

... third pint finished, up for his fourth, all of them paid with by ten pound notes. I've got a train to catch.

you are yet to assign this gentleman a score

Old lady punching my arm and shouting at me for holding a tram door open for a straggler: you are mentally disturbed and I understand your plight. Also, you’re an asshole. 4/10

Teenager casually informing me, weeks later, at a similar occasion, that it’s enough to step on the tram’s footboard to hold the door open, no actual door-wrangling required, before laughing maniacally and running off across a rush-hour lane: just as crazy, not an asshole. 8/10

(None of those actually sat across or next to me tbh)

Haven't seen Caffrey's for years, perhaps he travels a long way for it.

aviator shades / pink linen blazer / chinos / jazzy socks / boat shoes-sporting tory-lookin dude in his 30s in first class carriage, downing one large bottle of doom bar and then spilling a second over the table / floor, staggering to the loo, coming back with blazer off and soaking wet, laying back in his seat, occasionally twitching, then after many hours of this, getting off at motherwell: 2/10, one point given for keeping the shades on well into the gloaming

Person playing reggae on the top deck of the bus, 8/10 cause I'm in a good mood even though I've just carried a screaming toddler for a mile and a half. Dropping to 4/10 when red red wine by ub40 started.

Woman spraying multiple perfume samples and eating multiple boiled eggs: minus infinity/10

i love them murder things though

yeaaah love them

dyou know who could murder me though that aaron hernandez fucking gorgeous

yeah hes really big

he could shoot me fuckin da id still climb him

Good to see the Welsh lads intimidated you out of yr pub

respect knuckles to the guy who brought a box of cereal, a bowl, a spoon, and a gallon of milk on the bus and proceeded to pour and eat a bowl of cereal, as well as offering some to his fellow passengers

yeah id go for that

xp sadly im off home ;_;

Sitting near someone with some of these stickers on his laptop

am I going to die lads

is that not some sort of steampunk thing

nope

a very US style "workout gear for troops, veterans, and the people who wish they were troops" brand but from the UK

like I said jim

anyway I’m off the train now, he’s free to sign his soldier F petitions in peace

'Hey, man, you spread any wider, something's liable to fall out of there.'

^ words I literally had to refrain from saying just now because I don't really need a black eye atm

But seriously. I think he's at risk of displagia. I'm concerned.

why can't people on trains just shut up

Had a good one the other day. Two guys - I think from Albania or somewhere in the Balkans - randomly punching each other in the chest, and when I say punching I mean with real violent force and then going back to looking at their mobile phones.

... on the bus home.