thread to get over a breakup

i've been bestowed with amazing powers of not-getting-things-done

salmon of etc

strong decisions Zora. I'm exploring the have-a-kid-someday possibilities with my girl for the next several years and we're at odds and i dunno where we're headed either so i'm feeling you.

I wish you both all the best with it forks.

If only I had some wisdom to offer, but as you see, I suck royally at this.

Good luck Zora (and forks)...much love, support,, hugs

I wish I had some wisdom to offer you, Zora, but I can at least offer my sympathy.

Zora, I've been in the position where both parties realised breaking up was the best option, and even when you know that it still hurts, you have all my empathy.

oh Zora, my sympathy and the best of luck to you, esp with the stress of moving on top of everything.

Thanks guys. I'm feeling surprisingly robust and capable, considering I just found out my foot is perma crippled and my work contract ends in 8 weeks. This can only be relief, ergo I was a lot more anxious than I knew, ergo this has to be the right thing to do... right? lulz.

Ofc the Tramadol helps.

Been thinking abt you since our exchange the oth day. I'm sorry this is stressful and uncertain but I wish you the perspective of an exciting future with decisions between "good" and "better" waiting for you to make them, rather than being afraid of the unknown.

I felt powerless as long as I stayed with a bad thing, but when I took steps and firmed my resolve, I was surprised how driven I felt and how good it felt to take my powers of decision-making and agency back. I hope for the same for you!

hey zora, i don't know you at all but i would like to say that i'm super proud of you for doing this - it's not easy breaking up with someone who is really cruel and horrible, let alone someone who you essentially get along with and feel at least superficially safe with. and laurel totally otm about how suddenly this sense of agency returns to your life.

i also think one of the most important things to remember is that it's really hard to meet some who is right for you while you're in a relationship with someone who is totally wrong for you.

That last sentence is so OTM it makes me want to cry.

it's really hard to meet some who is right for you while you're in a relationship with someone who is totally wrong for you.

true, but it can happen

I like to think that if he was *totally* wrong for me, I'd have gone before this. We are good together. We've had really crappy luck and now we want irreconcilable things from life, but we love each other, and we make each other laugh.

I'm not looking for another man. I can't mix someone else up in this baby thing.

If anyone has any tips for moving on that don't involve booze or casual sexxing, drop 'em on me.

stay busy, but really you'll have that covered if baby is a go.

the best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

sorry for inane advice

XP!

Oh, Kate78paws.

I think that's Mae West. Or Dorothy Parker?

That line is precisely what I was thinking of when I said 'no casual sex' 'cause it's the go-to line for all my girl type friends, and uh, so not going to happen.

Dear fish-god of not-getting-things-done, busy is good advices and you are quite right. If the baby thing happends I will have enough to occupy my mind for the next few years I should think.

of all the things i've been called on ilx, i think that's my fave

yeah if i leave, there is no way in hell i would want another woman right now. F-THAT.

I do hope you work things out with your wife, Chris.

trying...but who knows. im hoping that spring time and nice weather might help.

my parents were pretty unhappy together when I was growing up, and as a teenager in particular I just didn't understand why mum was so determined to stay together for us kids, when we knew full well that things were pretty shit between them.

a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then, and now that all of us kids have moved out of home Mum & Dad have found a friendship now, which is pretty cool to see. They're not in love, but they actually go places together, and laugh.

anyway, Chris...I don't really know where I'm going with this except to say that if you make it work with your wife for the sake of your little boy, that is something.

But if for whatever reason it doesn't work, the fact that you tried matters an awful lot.

I know you can't force these things...I guess bottom line I'm thinking of you and I really hate seeing how sad this has made you. <3

Thanks!

i hope someone can help with this

broke up with gf of 2.5 yrs three weeks ago. less than a week goes by before she's fingerbanged by another dude. pure fluke presented this info to me and i confronted her about. she explained it away, saying that after our breakup she "lost it" (reasonable, she's super emotional). they are now seeing each other/dating/idk; regular sex for sure.

my thinking is that 2.5 years of serious commitment obliges a more-than-modest get-shit-together period, yes? this is my first serious relationship so i'm open to counter arguments. now, it had stagnated and we hadn't had sex for a few weeks prior to the breakup. nonetheless, i can't wrap my head around how the fact that she "lost it" okays what has transpired. maybe MAYBE a one-off thing, but this is A thing now. she thinks i'm missing something important and i'd like someone to tell me what.

you guys broke up, she can hook up with over people, so can you.

2.5 years of serious commitment obliges a more-than-modest get-shit-together period, yes?

no. especially for the dumpee. they deserve to be banging like a dunny door in the wind mere seconds after getting the chop

that's kinda what breaking up implies, right? You are no longer a couple. You are not entitled to monogamous sexual relations with the other person.

yeah i mean at one point me and this girl were actively pursuing other people while we were still living together

kind of lol in retrospect

'hey can i have the bed tonight'
'oh look at you....text me when its safe to come back'

this is all disheartening and cynical. you're right tho. i gotta take advantage of the womens-to-me ratio. wednesday is hump day.

still tho :(

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcCFdD1Fa9k

feelin u bro, after my last big breakup i had a minor lonely rageout upon discovering --months later-- that she was seeing someone else, so i can't front like i don't know where you're coming from. still though, my lesson there and i think the lesson others might try to impart is that when it's done it's done, no fair holding one another to a standard that no longer applies--its raw now, and might be for a bit, but sometime soon it won't be raw no more and you'll feel fine again.

did you dump her, did she dump you, or was it mutual?

totally, and thanks much for the realness. realized tonight that time apart is necessary as we'd been working on trying to be friends, which will have to wait. honestly, soso glad it's over anyway and thank god it's spring.

not that that really matters -- it sucks and it hurts, and sometimes its easier to deal with the pain by presenting yourself as the victim of someone else's wrongdoing. And because it's so painful, you sometimes feel like it deserves mourning or its own special week of grief, because it's significant, and you've devoted a lot of emotional energy to the other person and the relationship, and thus they should strictly observe your mourning period or special week of grief. But in reality, that seems as stupid as giving yourself a medal for some trivial accomplishment only you care about.

mutual. the love was def there, which is why im so confused about how shit has gone, but i have no time for a serious relationship. mostly bummed it came down to wrong time/place sorta sitch.

time heals all wounds w/ this shit. until then, take walks, drink beer with friends, put your weird energy toward creative projects.

truth. i had preconceived notions about how a good relationship is supposed to end well. right on about the selfish aspect. I must find a new world to revolve around me, surely.

dude that was succinct as shit.

never gainsay a fingerbang

giddy up.

imo actual good relationships are only good either while you're in them, or in retrospect from a long time in the future. if you just broke up, then it wasn't that great, right?

yeah, there's absolutely no other way to get past this but to continue living and finding new things that make you happy so, even while it won't help, be aware that feeling shitty is the natural outcome
like if you cut your finger while slicing lemons it's going to hurt way more than it seems like it needs to but that's not your fault and there's a limited number of options to make it feel better. Bandage, meditate, wait.

Hit something with your other hand so you don't notice the first one as much.

That's actually really good advice! My last devastating breakup was the impetus that got me into the gym for like two to three hours a day and i lost a ton of weight and got strong as I've ever been. Working out was the only thing that kept me from going fetal; like the old saying goes, it's tough to complain about heartbreak when you've just been punched in the stomach.