Classic or Dud: Chuck Klosterman

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To say one thing in his defense, I was flipping through Esquire and came across this little ditty he wrote called "Five Things No Bar Should Have," - I chuckled at it. I think his writing style is good for this sort of thing.

Five Things No Bar Should Have

By Chuck Klosterman

1. Natural light. Bars are supposed to be womblike sanctuaries, separate from the blinding bleakness of mainstream society. They should always be poorly lit, and they should not have windows. If I'm drinking at 3:00 P.M., the sun should not remind me what time it is.

2. Patrons who are reading. Darkness also discourages all the bozos who think people will be impressed if they're seen reading in a bar, which is as cool as being drunk at Barnes & Noble.

3. Loud music. There is a belief among many bar owners that loud music creates intimacy (which theoretically increases the possibility of romantic interplay, thereby prompting people to return) by forcing patrons to sit closer together and scream directly into one another's ears. Everybody hates this. I have never been in a bar where people complained about the music being too soft.

4. Dogs. Never bring your dog into a bar. Ever. They're not clean, and they make the place feel like a veterinarian's office. How is it that you can't have a lit cigarette in any bar in New York or L.A., but you can have a pit bull? I understand that cigarettes cause cancer; they do not, however, rip the faces off small children.

5. Twenty-two-year-old female bartenders who "just wanna party." I already have enough problems. That's why I came to the bar.

― A-ron Hubbard (Hurting), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 12:44 (seventeen years ago) link

1. He's ugly

2. He's can't be out pretensed

3. He's old

4. He's got no dawgs yo

5. all of the above

― PappaWheelie demands you to ''only pick any'' (PappaWheelie 2), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 15:03 (seventeen years ago) link

Maybe Klosterman should hit some leatherbars.

― Zwan (miccio), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 15:07 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear bar owner,

I've arrived early today, well before sunset, to make some demands that you help me get laid tonight. As you can see, I'm not naturally attractive, and I'm getting quite old. Can you tailor this entire evening to my needs in this quest? They are great indeed. I've written articles, books, and even been interviewed on TV. I understand the power of networking. This is why I've come to you.

Love,
I don't need to tell you my name, I was on TV once

― PappaWheelie demands you to ''only pick any'' (PappaWheelie 2), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 15:12 (seventeen years ago) link

ive definitely been in bars where the music was too soft

klosterman otm on all other counts

― and what (ooo), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 21:57 (seventeen years ago) link

As you can see, I'm not naturally attractive, and I'm getting quite old. (...) I've written articles, books, and even been interviewed on TV.

^^ lol @ pappawheelie in "character"

― and what (ooo), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 21:58 (seventeen years ago) link

I would heavily dispute the book one. People in bars are not trying to look cool. Some of us were just reading and wanted to get out of the house and drink. Alternately, we are waiting for someone.

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 22:11 (seventeen years ago) link

yeah, waiting ; (

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 22:15 (seventeen years ago) link

I strongly dispute the dogs one. My favorite bar has dogs in it all the time. They beg for peanuts, that's about it.

― Rick Massimo (Rick Massimo), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 22:23 (seventeen years ago) link

by dogs, do we mean bitches?

― PappaWheelie has no answers to any question that requires actual thought (PappaW, Tuesday, 26 September 2006 22:24 (seventeen years ago) link

what about babies riding dogs?

― scott seward (scott seward), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 22:29 (seventeen years ago) link

surely there is room for them.

― scott seward (scott seward), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 22:29 (seventeen years ago) link

kids drink free from 8-10!

― M@tt He1geson: Real Name, No Gimmicks (Matt Helgeson), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 22:31 (seventeen years ago) link

http://www.humorbug.com/fpics/x_humorbug_a754047df9.jpg

― PappaWheelie has no answers to any question that requires actual thought (PappaW, Tuesday, 26 September 2006 22:37 (seventeen years ago) link

http://www.theplacetostay.com/marc/images/fun/drunk%20kids.jpg

― PappaWheelie has no answers to any question that requires actual thought (PappaW, Tuesday, 26 September 2006 22:37 (seventeen years ago) link

Klusterf#@k is a typical hipster wannabe...30 something year old men who still cling desperately to their high school standards are annoying...

― Paul Edward Wagemann (PaulEdwardWagemann), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 23:44 (seventeen years ago) link

hmmm.
i wouldn't have thought there be such 'harsh' critque on the guy here, but i guess if there's anywhere there would be, it'd be here.
i actually think he's pretty damned entertaining, i relate to a lot of his stuff. not all (as i'm totally against his worship of all things radiheady), but most. i'd say, that above and beyond everything else, it's entertainment. nothing really earth-shattering, nothing revealing on human condition, but some semi-valid point, well put together, with a ton of pop culture pointers thrown in to illustrate. 'voice of a generation' is really not a deserved (or sought after, i'd think) mantle to throw on the guy. he seems more with it than some, but far too tuned into media to be removed from it.
all that tripe aside, i'll still read his next book, and more than liekly, enjoy it.

― edde (edde), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 23:56 (seventeen years ago) link

um...radioheady...

― edde (edde), Tuesday, 26 September 2006 23:56 (seventeen years ago) link

Yeah, but Klosterman has never been banned from here, so he's got one on you there...

― PappaWheelie has no answers to any question that requires actual thought (PappaW, Wednesday, 27 September 2006 00:55 (seventeen years ago) link

Dogs and reading in bars are good things. Klosterman in a bar is a very bad thing.

― adam (adam), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 01:02 (seventeen years ago) link

Does his reading thing extend to homework? Is homework pretentious? Bars have wifi for a reason.

― adam (adam), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 01:03 (seventeen years ago) link

i read this at my mom's book store.

in a small footnote in his new book he calls Killdozer a "shitty Communist grindcore band". i don't even like Killdozer much and that pissed me off.

i don't hate everything he's written, but any charm his writing schtick might've originally had is non-existent now.

― how much, latebloomer? (latebloomer), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 01:03 (seventeen years ago) link

Klosterman in German actually MEANS men who cluster nervously. in the dark. with no dogs around.

― scott seward (scott seward), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 01:17 (seventeen years ago) link

I knew I could depend on ILM to find 18 ways to shred even a frivolous little FOB piece like that : )

― A-ron Hubbard (Hurting), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 01:22 (seventeen years ago) link

YOU KNEW WE WOULD LEAVE A TREAT FOR YOU!

― scott seward (scott seward), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 01:25 (seventeen years ago) link

"Yeah, but Klosterman has never been banned from here, so he's got one on you there..."

touche, mister wheelie, touche...

― edde (edde), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 02:08 (seventeen years ago) link

which is as cool as being drunk at Barnes & Noble.

Totally underrated.

― milo z (mlp), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 02:11 (seventeen years ago) link

Klusterf#$k things RadioHead is great? Then I really do think he's a wank...

― Paul Edward Wagemann (PaulEdwardWagemann), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 14:05 (seventeen years ago) link

I'll defer to your expertise in the field.

― M@tt He1geson: Real Name, No Gimmicks (Matt Helgeson), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 14:09 (seventeen years ago) link

xpost

SPEAKING OF WANK IT"S YOU AGAIN PEW PEW

Also--WTF with reading in bars? who cares?

― Mr. Que (Mr.Que), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 14:13 (seventeen years ago) link

http://www.angelfire.com/wi2/animepics/images/kings/zoi07.jpg

― PappaWheelie has no answers to any question that requires actual thought (PappaW, Wednesday, 27 September 2006 15:36 (seventeen years ago) link

Paul Edward Wagemann: where do you live (and why do they let you)?

― nabisco (nabisco), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 15:48 (seventeen years ago) link

Someone should start a thread w/that title but then maybe it'd encourage him.

― Mr. Que (Mr.Que), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 16:05 (seventeen years ago) link

he'd just give a link to his "blog" (i.e. myspace page)

― PappaWheelie has no answers to any question that requires actual thought (PappaW, Wednesday, 27 September 2006 16:08 (seventeen years ago) link

I still haven't seen that.

― Mr. Que (Mr.Que), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 16:10 (seventeen years ago) link

I guess he's not been working hard enough with promo then

― PappaWheelie has no answers to any question that requires actual thought (PappaW, Wednesday, 27 September 2006 16:16 (seventeen years ago) link

Wherever I lay my hat is my home...and no one 'lets Wagemann live' Wagemann lets them live...

Mr. Que, you are welcome to read my blog and post any comments there. I'm always interested in feedback.

― Paul Edward Wagemann (PaulEdwardWagemann), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 19:17 (seventeen years ago) link

I think my favorite bars each violate at least a couple of those rules.

And, from someone who has walked across a parking lot from a brew pub to a Barnes and Noble many times, I would have to say that drunken magazine browsing and bookbuying is seriously underrated.

― mike h. (mike h.), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 19:22 (seventeen years ago) link

Mr. Que, you are welcome to read my blog

Oh fuck it, PappaWheelie OTM

― PappaWheelie has no answers to any question that requires actual thought (PappaW, Wednesday, 27 September 2006 19:24 (seventeen years ago) link

And, from someone who has walked across a parking lot from a brew pub to a Barnes and Noble many times, I would have to say that drunken magazine browsing and bookbuying is seriously underrated.

you got that right, Amigo...eating tacos when you are drunk is pretty underrated too...IMO.

― Paul Edward Wagemann (PaulEdwardWagemann), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 19:31 (seventeen years ago) link

― Mr. Que (Mr.Que), Wednesday, 27 September 2006 19:33 (seventeen years ago) link

Here's Bill Maher interviewing Klosterman on his show. Maher is a typical douchebag.

http://www.amazon.com/Fargo-Rock-City-Odyssey-Dakota/dp/0743406567/sr=8-1/qid=1159547518/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-1444821-4239222?ie=UTF8&s=books

― darin (darin), Friday, 29 September 2006 16:03 (seventeen years ago) link

http://69.93.254.120/G/storage/site1/files/24/66/59/246659_410329b8e9d154xunst206.jpg

uh, and he and ultragrrl got 3 of the same results. Terrifying.

he looks like elton john after a horrifying car wreck

― gear (gear), Friday, 29 September 2006 21:35 (seventeen years ago) link

can't see why corey feldman didn't come up as a result, that's like 97% right there

― gear (gear), Friday, 29 September 2006 21:35 (seventeen years ago) link

Quick, someone run Wagemann's pic through that thing.

― Marmot (marmotwolof), Friday, 29 September 2006 21:37 (seventeen years ago) link

i'm on it

― gear (gear), Friday, 29 September 2006 21:45 (seventeen years ago) link

Is it just me, or does Chuck Klosterman look kinda like a toasted teacake?

http://www.uga.edu/union/Pics/I&I%20pics/klosterman.jpg
Toasted teacake

http://www.mrsomalleys.co.uk/images/large/110056l_LRG.jpg
Chuck Klosterman

― Sadly, he will be the next Alexis Petridish. (Dom Passantino), Friday, 29 September 2006 21:45 (seventeen years ago) link

http://69.93.254.120/G/storage/site1/files/24/70/69/247069_105418a32ad154rkhaf804.jpg

― gear (gear), Friday, 29 September 2006 21:47 (seventeen years ago) link

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