thread to get over a breakup

friend of mine is going thru a similar sitch, and just can't bring himself to get angry at his gf despite the fact that she clearly wronged him, and in a way that a partner/best friend just shouldn't.

anyway tabes, i know yr obv a pro at casual sex and all, but i think you should probably just decide that yr ex is a) not your best friend, at least not right now and b) someone you should never sleep with again (unless, you know, its in a professional capacity).

the hardest thing for me was the avoiding/distance part, because i felt like that was weak, and i was "not a weak person" - like, i felt that i should be able to take it, and that was the "strong" way to deal with it.

xp I am really tempted to say it sucks worse when they are NOT stupid, but I think it must suck the same.

it sucks differently, i think, but in the same quantity. i made what i think was the wise decision not to investigate this girl in order to prove/disprove her stupidity -- though i did read her artist's statement, and it was clunky and workmanlike and made assertions about her work that didn't really follow, but it wasn't horrible. Still, mine was way better.

the hardest thing for me was the avoiding/distance part, because i felt like that was weak, and i was "not a weak person" - like, i felt that i should be able to take it, and that was the "strong" way to deal with it.

― sarahel, Thursday, December 30, 2010 2:13 PM (5 minutes ago) Bookmark

right. my bud is trying, explicitly, to be "dispassionate" about it and just try to focus on enjoying his now ex-gf's company for the remainder of their time together (similar situation to yrs, actually---he's decided to move, but not until march), and i'm like dude yr fortitude is admirable but ffs its perfectly reasonable to be angry/hurt/resentful right now, the less time you guys spend together the better

my fortitude went out the window one night after 4-5 shots of Jameson's and a dumb argument with some entitled motherfucker over a parking space.

hahaha. It is easy for me to think I am a worthless vomitous mass next to almost anyone my ex would date. If I wasn't, he'd be dating me, amirite? No.

xp. I always thought I was weak for not being able to pull off a clean break.

oh, well i figured anyone he would get with would be more "fun" than me, because they were new and not the person he'd been practically married to for over a decade, and his business partner to boot, and thus well-aware of all his flaws and mistakes.

plus i would win practically ever argument, which i'm sure wasn't fun for him -- not that it was my goal to win

yeah, that is easy to understand. But the same goes for any new people you date. They'll be different most likely in some very refreshing ways.

exactly - so i stopped beating myself up over the fact he rejected me for her ... though it was a bit more complicated than that

it's good that you at least were able to stop beating yourself up despite the complications.

oh, there are so many different things you can beat yourself up about in regards to a break-up, though. in reality, i think i just moved on to a different thing.

here's the thing: he hasn't really wronged me, at least in my opinion. if anything, he's been very kind to me, and realized how hard the breakup has been for me, and tried to help me move on from the 'boyfriends' part of our lives so that we're at where we are now— really close, really caring about each other, but not in a way that spells out 'romantic relationship.'

and tbh, i've been really good for the past two months or so. i've been seeing other people both casually and in a 'getting-close' way, and i've also been spending a lot of time with him. i don't really want for him to not be my best friend. i think that part of it for me is that i can't stand the idea of losing him as a best friend, so i get super-jealouse of possible replacements...in the end, we're both in sex work, and i don't mind too much who he has sex with or how, but i'm still having trouble with the idea that there's another person in his life that he feels as strongly about as he does about me.

also, i don't think there's any way he'd move down to santacruz— he's spent so much time and money working on his house that it would be a total waste if he did so. plus, his work and his future work (commercial diving) are all up here. so.

the thing is -- it's not really about whether you're a victim, or it's his fault -- if you're feeling hurt and jealous, then it probably would be better if you put more distance between the two of you, at least for the time being.

here's the thing: he hasn't really wronged me, at least in my opinion. if anything, he's been very kind to me, and realized how hard the breakup has been for me, and tried to help me move on from the 'boyfriends' part of our lives so that we're at where we are now— really close, really caring about each other, but not in a way that spells out 'romantic relationship.'

i dont know the situation but when you say stuff like this it sounds like youre just putting him on a pedestal--hes been "very kind to" you? great! bully for him! but that doesnt seem to be helping you, in the end

xp
yeah, that is difficult. I think with time it will get better, especially since he is helping you with it and you can be open about your feelings. It's damn frustrating how thin the line between "relationship" and "romantic relationship" can seem but there is one and it is significant. It also might be difficult to talk to others about it because most people want to put it in a him against you perspective. Anyway, I'm sure you'll eventually meet someone who fulfills all the aspects of your "romantic relationship" with your bff that didn't work out and I hope that you will be able to remain close friends.

i mean, i tell him when he's pissing me off or has hurt me. and he tells me when i'm pissing him off or have hurt him. i do sort of put him on a little pedestal, but that's what i do with all of my close friends.

i think a lot of it for me is coming to the point where i don't think of our past as boyfriends, but live in the present as friends.

also, tbh, and sarahel you know this: if i were to keep distance from him, i'd have to keep distance from pretty much 90% of my friends, and i'm not going to do that.

It's damn frustrating how thin the line between "relationship" and "romantic relationship" can seem but there is one and it is significant.

and it's even more frustrating if you're still hooking up afterwards and/or the physical attraction is still there and acknowledged.

i mean, we bought $180 scissor sisters tickets together for march. we're planning a trip to tijuana, loosely, since he lived there for a bit and wants to show me around.

it's not like shit is really bad. it's just that last night was really bad.

table, your experience is so completely beyond anything i've ever gotten involved in that i'm utterly unable to really even begin to think of a reasonable approach
but if you're able to keep your wits about you where you are, it sounds like you're pretty goddamn resilient

also, tbh, and sarahel you know this: if i were to keep distance from him, i'd have to keep distance from pretty much 90% of my friends, and i'm not going to do that.

i thought that would be impossible in my situation, which you know, but it actually worked out pretty well, though it involved uncomfortable conversations at times, "Are you planning on going to this? Oh. Well, i think it would be better if you didn't."

we're planning a trip to tijuana, loosely, since he lived there for a bit and wants to show me around.

Me & D loosely planned a road trip, because we both like road trips and had fun when we took them. This did not happen, and it was definitely for the best.

forks and peacocks, thanks.

sarahel, i would literally have to shut out some of the people that i care about most. i won't do that.

also, the him versus me thing is really kind of moot- we're not fighting, and we're not in some sort of competition.

you couldn't just spend time with them without m@tt? that isn't possible? i dunno - i think you're a lot more resilient than i am about these things, so if normally things are cool and you don't feel like shit about it, then disregard my advice. I spent a bunch of time feeling like, "well, everyone i know has an ex or two in 'the scene' and they seem to be fine around them, why shouldn't i?"

normally things are totally cool, and we work really well together one-on-one and in groups. i don't feel like shit about it at all. it's just that seeing him with this person in such an intimate set of circumstances set me off. ffs i've been in a hot tub, naked, with him and this person, and i didn't feel like shit. it was more the 'he's met my parents, he's staying in this hotel with me' thing.

yeah, i mean those momentary things are totally natural and normal -- like i was sobby and miserable on Christmas, after months of feeling like i was pretty much over D. because this was the first Christmas we wouldn't be getting each other presents, and he had probably gotten presents for the new stupid girl. But then Christmas was over, and i felt better.

yeah. i mean, the last person i was with for a long haul, before m4tt...it took six months for me to not get upset seeing him with another guy, but now, we're totally amazing friends who have tons of fun together when we're in the same place (he is here enough because he tours in a somewhat famous band).

but i've grown a lot since then (i was 23 then, 26 now), and i think things will be okay— usually a day or two is good in terms of just forgetting anything ever happened, and just returning to our rhythm.

seriously dude, if you want we can hang out and i'll buy you drinks -- it's the least i can do after making you listen to/read my countless rants about our favorite member of the Se3ger family.

yeah, let's do that sometime. i have a thing tonight, but in the new year!!

god - that che guevara get-up he was wearing at that party was just really lol-worthy

ahaha. yeah.

he'd have provided so much fodder for this thread roxy-style if he'd actually been my bf as opposed to a friend w/benefits

totally. he'd probably deserve his own thread after a bit.

now it's just the occasional schadenfreude and head-scratching at his fb posts

this man had a ponytail, che shirts, and sandals?!?!?!?

it wasn't a che shirt -- it was a che-style hat and a che-like military sweater, a che shirt would be too "rmde" cliche - and he is a champion eye-roller at stuff like that

he needs to become a champion eye roller about a lot of other stuff it seems

yeah, dude's retardo montalban imo

he definitely lives on a fantasy island in his mind

first: a fantasy island in the mind = san francisco. just saying, he is a totally awkz dude who is awful to people and deserves mostly happy scorn, but i definitely also like in a fantasy island at least 50% of the time.

second: things are cool with the ex. no extended talk but enough to know.

last night drunkenly admitted to an ex that I have fantasized about her while masturbating

What is an ex for if not for that, though?

the whole 'breaking up properly' thing discussed upthread is very otm and can't be said enough. last year after we broke up the second time (for good), she wanted to stay uber-best friends and close and I was still too hurt to let go. we were only really together nine months, but I was very much in love w/ her.

the not properly breaking up led us to fighting and arguing a few months later, and now we're still 'friends', but barely talk. but does she leave my mind? no.

well she did for about 3 months actually. even before I started dating the new girl, I'd made peace. but I guess new girl breaking up with me somehow managed to open the old wound, perhaps by her 'suggesting' it to me. i dunno.

It's not horrible now, I'm not waking up weeping or anything, I just more think of her now and then, sigh, and then hope for a nice one night stand to distract me.

it's like that Brian McKnight song "Anytime" if it were a year later and Brian was like "ehh it's aiiight but it's only aiiight"

so, i'm trying to play it cool, and we've hung out in the past couple days for brief periods, but i'm starting to think that maybe my friend's advice to 'get mad' is right.

so, i shot this solo scene with this company. i was like, 'you should do it too' and he was like 'yeah, i'll do it, then maybe we can do a scene together some time.'

and today i found out he's doing a scene. with the same lover he did a scene with for a different company a few days ago. and i am fucking pissed.

i understand that it's a professional thing, and it is, but he's like, 'the only reason i get these things is because i know people.' and all i wanted to say was 'well i know you, can you help me?' but also 'you're a lying scumbag.'

It may have been out of his hands--the director and/or producer may have vetoed a scene between you two for some reason or another. Or it may not have. He still had no reason to act that way towards you after you found out about it.

xp - devil's advocate here - him doing a scene with the new dude does not negate the statement '...then maybe we can do a scene together some time.' Like "some time" does not equal "next available opportunity"

:/

you have to apply for this particular site, and if you apply as a duo/couple, you have to apply jointly. thus, while he was paying lip service to me about doing a scene with me sometime, he was simultaneously applying with this person. essentially, he was lying about his intentions.