thread to get over a breakup

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grown adults that you need to tell off are very rarely worth bothering to tell off.

all i gotta do is akh nachivly (darraghmac), Wednesday, 22 December 2010 21:51 (thirteen years ago) link

he's young enough that there's hope he'll learn, but anything harsh coming from an ex is too easy to write off as bitterness, it's not going to have any effect other than making me look like "crazy ex", and I don't want to give him that satisfaction

mostly I don't want to care at all

but I totally do

the tune is space, Wednesday, 22 December 2010 22:53 (thirteen years ago) link

tbh i think probably all you "need" to do is get some distance from the situation! for better or worse time heals most wounds. & until then u get to feel however u want, mad, sad, weird, whatever. its ok to care even if u think u "shouldnt"!

max, Wednesday, 22 December 2010 22:54 (thirteen years ago) link

i mean i am projecting here and probably misreading you but 99% of my bullshit is about me trying to force myself to feel a way that i dont actually feel, its nice to remind yourself that you actually get to feel whatever you want

max, Wednesday, 22 December 2010 22:55 (thirteen years ago) link

so my newest girl and I didn't even last two months. it was a relationship almost too good to be true at first, all of the things I had hated about my prior relationship, this girl didn't do at all. we talked, were really open, and didn't spend too much time together but not too little either. it was going really really well, so I shoulda figured...

Then one night I had made a date with her, and I had forgotten my football game was on that night. stupidly, I attempted to keep our date night while watching football, and of course it backfired. She had a lot of self-consciousness that night and said she wasn't sure I was attracted to her and all this, then I found out she had been raped less than a year earlier, which made sense as to her vulnerability. All in all, It turned out to just be an off-night and nothing major, we were getting along great again when all of a sudden she just drops the bombshell on me the following Monday that she doesn't think I'm over my ex and that it bothers her.

Which was bizarre because I almost never talked about her. In fact, my ex didn't even show up to my birthday, and I really didn't even care -- so many other friends showed, that I didn't really notice until the end of the night. Yet according to my newest g/f, I was 'walking around looking for her' all night (when in actuality I was talking to the many other friends who showed up). Despite me (very truthfully) telling her how much better a g/f she was than my ex ever was, it didn't matter. It was like I was being penalized for ever having gone out with her.

Thought it would be a simple problem to fix, but nope, a week later, she said she didn't think she could do this right now and it ended. I sure know how to pick 'em.

being single's not so bad tho.

Bitch, it cold outside!!! BURR (San Te), Wednesday, 22 December 2010 23:04 (thirteen years ago) link

being single is pretty fucking awesome

sarahel, Thursday, 23 December 2010 01:55 (thirteen years ago) link

:-/

kanellos (gbx), Thursday, 23 December 2010 02:02 (thirteen years ago) link

also DD this dude sounds like an idiot child, lash him at yr pleasure imo

kanellos (gbx), Thursday, 23 December 2010 02:03 (thirteen years ago) link

grown adults that you need to tell off are very rarely worth bothering to tell off.

^^^

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Thursday, 23 December 2010 02:07 (thirteen years ago) link

i disagree

sarahel, Thursday, 23 December 2010 02:08 (thirteen years ago) link

yeah some of my best friends are adults that need telling off every now and then (and vicey versy)

kanellos (gbx), Thursday, 23 December 2010 02:10 (thirteen years ago) link

I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've been told off that wasn't just a power trip, bullying, or someone unloading their bad moods onto me. If I've been behaving badly, I'd rather be talked calmly to like an adult, not lectured to like a child.

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Thursday, 23 December 2010 02:25 (thirteen years ago) link

^^^^^^^^^^^^

forksclovetofu, Thursday, 23 December 2010 03:57 (thirteen years ago) link

Yeah, but you want to be talked to that way because you want constructive feedback, and you see this as a growth opportunity

some of gbx's friends are adults that just need to be told to knock that shit off

mh, Thursday, 23 December 2010 05:36 (thirteen years ago) link

it depends. i've punched friends of mine, and i've had nice long, calm talks with people (friends and lovers) who are just fucking everything up.

a no-fault dick to suck. (the table is the table), Thursday, 23 December 2010 06:29 (thirteen years ago) link

i mean, i punched this dude i was sleeping with because he made such a condescending statement that i just did it. he had a black eye, forgave me the next day. but still.

a no-fault dick to suck. (the table is the table), Thursday, 23 December 2010 06:30 (thirteen years ago) link

That's strange. I've never had to commit assault and battery on anyone that I know. I'd be calling the cops first thing if someone did that to me. But I seem to live in a different world than a lot of people here.

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Thursday, 23 December 2010 16:20 (thirteen years ago) link

the only reason I would punch someone is if they had just punched me.

o tannenbaum, o judge (crüt), Thursday, 23 December 2010 16:38 (thirteen years ago) link

the tune is space, you seem to be suffering the painful confusion that follows dealings with the personality disordered, with whom there no honest conversation you could have that would not be turned against you, no action you could take that would not be used against you, no resolution for you. every further dealing with someone like this will only make things worse for you. the only thing you can do is write him off and not blame yourself for getting involved in the first place. people like this are often good at disguising their disorderedness. then they strike.

estela, Thursday, 23 December 2010 20:34 (thirteen years ago) link

is there like a blinders_from_eyes.gif and can i post it 20 times in response to ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

aka the pope (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Thursday, 23 December 2010 21:16 (thirteen years ago) link

thanks estela, I've been feeling really relieved that I didn't explode and cause some hardcore scene, and your advice kind of chimes with that choice- I've got to stop thinking that there is still some "us" that needs renovation or fixing up. it's too late and I have to just walk away.

the *psychic surgery* part where I somehow detach and stop caring inside is trickier, but I think that bringing irl encounters to an absolute halt is step one. I don't want to sit around wishing someone else ill, it's not healthy for me and it's irrelevant and limited/limiting anyway. if (however unlikely) someday he turns out okay, that's better for the world at large anyway.

the tune is space, Thursday, 23 December 2010 21:53 (thirteen years ago) link

i mean, i punched this dude i was sleeping with because he made such a condescending statement that i just did it. he had a black eye, forgave me the next day. but still.

― a no-fault dick to suck. (the table is the table), Thursday, December 23, 2010 12:30 AM (15 hours ago) Bookmark

i've been punched in the face twice in my adult life, both times for saying something stupid and offensive. and both times by women (that i was not sleeping with). who are also twin sisters.

kanellos (gbx), Thursday, 23 December 2010 22:03 (thirteen years ago) link

That's strange. I've never had to commit assault and battery on anyone that I know. I'd be calling the cops first thing if someone did that to me. But I seem to live in a different world than a lot of people here.

― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Thursday, December 23, 2010 10:20 AM (5 hours ago) Bookmark

yeah but what if you deserved it? when i got decked by my friends (they're two of my closest, dearest friends) it was because i was being a total asshole. i sustained no damage. would i have preferred that they speak to me calmly and rationally about my behavior? well yeah, cuz then i wouldn't have gotten a punch in the face. but did it occur to me to call the cops?? wtf.

kanellos (gbx), Thursday, 23 December 2010 22:07 (thirteen years ago) link

The only time I can think of that I'd deserve a punching is if I was beating the snot out of someone. I probably wouldn't call the cops on a friend for hitting me unless I was in serious danger. I'd settle for cutting off all ties with that person. I would call the cops on a relative, though.

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Friday, 24 December 2010 16:21 (thirteen years ago) link

If your relatives aren't friends, sure.

mh, Friday, 24 December 2010 21:06 (thirteen years ago) link

If they abuse me, they aren't my friend.

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Friday, 24 December 2010 21:13 (thirteen years ago) link

idk imo abuse is a pattern and a punch in the face is a punch in the face

aka the pope (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Friday, 24 December 2010 21:18 (thirteen years ago) link

am i saying 'stick around after your man hits you in the face cause it only counts if he does it twice' no i am not

aka the pope (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Friday, 24 December 2010 21:18 (thirteen years ago) link

i'm just saying

aka the pope (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Friday, 24 December 2010 21:19 (thirteen years ago) link

I get you there, hoos

mh, Friday, 24 December 2010 21:58 (thirteen years ago) link

it's not an unforgiveable for all time offence, but in the short term i think i'd try to kill anyone that punched me in the face, i think. hasn't happened since early teens i think tho.

all i gotta do is akh nachivly (darraghmac), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:02 (thirteen years ago) link

idk imo abuse is a pattern and a punch in the face is a punch in the face

― aka the pope (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Friday, December 24, 2010 3:18 PM (42 minutes ago) Bookmark

this, basically. while i understand that violence is unacceptable and all, the punches i received were the equivalent of getting slapped "how rude!" kinda ish. except that my friends are tuff chicks who can throw a punch. immediately after it was like "yeah i guess i earned that, huh," not "your violence was totally unacceptable. never speak to me again, best friend i've ever had."

kanellos (gbx), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:03 (thirteen years ago) link

tuff chicks that think they can throw a punch and it not be a big deal can fuck right off tho

all i gotta do is akh nachivly (darraghmac), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:04 (thirteen years ago) link

and to be clear, i am speaking personally and about a specific situation that i think y'all are ignoring. this could not under any reasonable circumstances be considered "abusive."

kanellos (gbx), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:05 (thirteen years ago) link

continue talking about my friends that way dmac and i'll show you who can throw a punch >:(

kanellos (gbx), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:05 (thirteen years ago) link

tuff chicks that think they can throw a punch and it not be a big deal can fuck right off tho

― all i gotta do is akh nachivly (darraghmac), Friday, December 24, 2010 4:04 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark

honestly dont know if yr kidding, but would you feel the same way if a petite chick slapped you in the face for being a cad?

kanellos (gbx), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:06 (thirteen years ago) link

not trolling here, am genuinely interested: would you be ok with (you or a male friend) punching a female friend if she said something totally offensive/out of line?

just1n3, Friday, 24 December 2010 22:08 (thirteen years ago) link

nope, never. which is why i've got a problem with someone assuming and taking advantage of that

or are you asking gbx?

all i gotta do is akh nachivly (darraghmac), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:15 (thirteen years ago) link

gbx, i was also talking bout the general and not the specific btw, i mean power to the lot of ye if the odd box is a thing for ye imo

all i gotta do is akh nachivly (darraghmac), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:16 (thirteen years ago) link

would you feel the same way if a petite chick slapped you in the face for being a cad?

well i'm sure it would never arise, but no, i'm talking full on punch type stuff to be specific

all i gotta do is akh nachivly (darraghmac), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:17 (thirteen years ago) link

no. i am not okay with face punching at all, as a general rule. my main point was that i've been punched in the face twice, it didn't hurt, and my friends each time had a right to be angry, so i shrugged it off. and i think that under the circumstances, that's totally reasonable---cutting off contact, getting wildly angry, calling the cops, etc., would have been grossly disproportionate to the offense. and i think it's a little strange that anyone would a) think that that means that i am advocating/okay with violence and b) assume that all instances of friend-on-friend violence is this totally unacceptable thing that we should have hard and fast rules about. obv ppl from different backgrounds/circumstances will have different feelings on the matter of violence/abuse, but getting decked for saying something boorish just doesn't register to me as something worth getting upset about. we were laughing about it fifteen minutes later, we laugh about it now.

kanellos (gbx), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:17 (thirteen years ago) link

tl;dr: you had to be there

kanellos (gbx), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:18 (thirteen years ago) link

how did this even come up again? tabes punched a dude or something?

kanellos (gbx), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:18 (thirteen years ago) link

i am broadly agreeing with you with not breaking friendships, calling cops, etc, i think- but i'd have a hard time not losing it in the moment

ps i say plenty boorish shit, but i dunno, maybe i'm just naturally fuckin charmin in person or somethin

all i gotta do is akh nachivly (darraghmac), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:22 (thirteen years ago) link

oh i was angry for a split second like "wtf was that for? you can't jsut punch ppl!" but then we both cooled down and agreed that the whole situation was ridiculous, bff

anyway the funniest thing to me has always been that it was twin sisters on two separate occasions

kanellos (gbx), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:24 (thirteen years ago) link

not trolling here, am genuinely interested: would you be ok with (you or a male friend) punching a female friend if she said something totally offensive/out of line?

I know someone who has this as her stance, with her being the punched one. What with gender equality, the relative OK-ness of a one-off punch being a not-insane thing in some circumstances, etc.

I was taken aback, but it's one of those "it'd have to be a fucking awful offense to compensate for the physical disparity" things. Thinking about it, it still seems very, very wrong. Frankly, ever resorting to violence seems really wrong.

mh, Friday, 24 December 2010 22:25 (thirteen years ago) link

had a girl kick my fkn ass once, tho tbf she was a green belt in kyokushinkai karate. we are, indeed, bff so there you are. and we were like 14.

all i gotta do is akh nachivly (darraghmac), Friday, 24 December 2010 22:29 (thirteen years ago) link

Thread to get over a punchup

Strange Crüt (Trayce), Friday, 24 December 2010 23:14 (thirteen years ago) link

the friend/lover i punched is a notorious sociopath. he's the sort of guy who once snuck up behind me with cocaine-covered hands and rubbed that shit in my eyes.

a no-fault dick to suck. (the table is the table), Sunday, 26 December 2010 22:19 (thirteen years ago) link

haven't seen or talked to him in more than a year, tbh.

a no-fault dick to suck. (the table is the table), Sunday, 26 December 2010 22:20 (thirteen years ago) link


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