how do i get mormons to leave me alone

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how do I get ------ to leave me alone
(morons)
(gorgons)
(marmots)
(mummers)

(momus)

My parents lived Salt Lake City in the 70s. Here are two ideas, courtesy of a friend of theirs who since moved away as well. Although, these aren't so much to get rid of the Mormons but rather for your own personal entertainment:

1) The Mormons believe that the President of the Mormon Church is in constant contact with God. So, when the Mormons came a-knocking he would invite them into their house. Then he'd say something like:

"You know, we used to live in Salt Lake City. (this would rouse their attention). Yes, we lived next door to the President of the Church. (yet more rapturous attention). But, the thing was, the messages from God wouldn't come down in a cylinder shape. They would come down more like a cone shape, and some of it would land on our house."

At this point, the missionaries' jaws were wide open (no one said they weren't believers) and his wife would come out and tell him to knock it off.

2) During the late 70s and 80s, a lot of missionaries came from non-English-speaking countries. So, they would have memorize their entire schpiel. If one of the foreign-born Mormons would come a-knockin, about 2/3 of the way thru the schpiel the husband would interrupt and ask a bunch of questions. This would totally fluster the missionary, at which point all he or she could do is start from the beginning.

Granted, I think this person had a lot of free time on his hands, but still, these are pretty funny.

The pictures on teh Marmot thread are better.

haha

I must emit some heavy fuckoff vibes, cuz whenever they come to the door they ask about my wife but don't try to engage me. maybe she warned them about me.

I find silence & unbroken staring is often a good approach to personal relations in general.

in my neighborhood they only go after you if you speak Spanish or tagalog.

^ The J's Witnesses were like this at Flushing JMZ stop.

I used to have these Mormon missionaries come by the apartment. They helped explain the prophet flow chart by stacking dixie cups with cut-out's of the prophets on them into a pyramid.

anyway, in response to thread question:

- ask them if that premarital anal sex is really all its cracked up to be
- after noting that their nametags indicate they are "Elders", proceed to refer to them as "Junior"
- ask them if they've ever been shot at while trying to flee the educational compound
- ask to compare their magical underwear with yours

possible copycat threads:
how do I get ------ to leave me alone
(morons)
(gorgons)
(marmots)
(mummers)


gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra) on Monday, March 14, 2005 8:53 AM (2 years ago)
(momus)

gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra) on Monday, March 14, 2005 8:54 AM (2 years ago)

(island momus)

YOU KNOW WHAT actually, they have a scripture in Doctrine & Covenants that says if you offer you hand to an evil spirit, they won't shake it. Missionarios always start out with the handshake, so once I kept my hand by my side and said, "I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand." They got THE FEAR and immediately left. Exmos know all the tricks!

Alternately you could just send the very clear message, "I am not interested. Please leave and never come back."

"ask to compare their magical underwear with yours "

Seriously, this would just lead to an epic discussion about beliefs, followed by a big lecture. That shit doesn't work. It just annoys them. I hate thje Mormon church & their tactics but these poor boys are working 14-hour days, underfed for the most part,a nd treated to insane brainwashing techniques. So they don't need any more shit from random wiseasses who learned a snippet or two hear and there about their totally fuxored dogma lol.

"join and then quit?"

And this will get them to stalk you endlessly, way more than a potential convert. Jeez louise, you have to take the three-month process of getting your names removed from the records w/big threats of a media stink to get them to leave you alone.

It just annoys them.

I think that was his point.

As for me, I'd just mutter something about the Adam-God doctrine.

but these poor boys are working 14-hour days, underfed for the most part,a nd treated to insane brainwashing techniques

That can't be true (except 14 hr days)

YOU KNOW WHAT actually, they have a scripture in Doctrine & Covenants that says if you offer you hand to an evil spirit, they won't shake it. Missionarios always start out with the handshake, so once I kept my hand by my side and said, "I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand." They got THE FEAR and immediately left.

This is awesome and good to know, thanks.

Offer them gin?

I wish I had a mormon problem. Instead we get door-to-door hippie peace groups around these parts. I'm great at getting rid of religious wackos but not so good with the hippies.