Homemade Jokes

Where do middle-aged couples go to enjoy their second honeymoon?

Viagra Falls

Why was Mary so uncomfortable riding a donkey?

Because it gave her bethlehemorrhoids.

Yay! One for the christmas cracker!

That, a hat and a fortune-telling fish - what more could you not want?

The lord is my shepherd I shall not want.

Yep, novelty sheep-farming deities, do not want.

Not mine, a friend's:

What do you call a psychic who can smell the future?

Nostrildamus

How do you vacuum an elephant?
Put peanuts in the airlock and then fire him into space.

What is the sound of an elephant being fired into space?
"Hrrmmmphhh......... ....... ..... ... .. ."

why was o afraid of i?

because iatee

Q: What's the opposite of drunken noodle?

A: Soba noodle.

why does julian casablancas drink fluorine?

to lower his life expectancy

i don't get that sunny d one

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunn_O%29%29%29

q. how does emile zola relax?
a. in a j'accuse-i

Q: What is it called when a lightbulb commits a criminal offense?
A: A watt-collar crime.

Said in the accent of a southern judge, obv.

How many years in prison does it take to change a lightbulb?

?

oh I get it

I've put 2011 aside to work on the punchline.

It's sort of along the lines of that "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?" joke (A: One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.)

i just heard one of these bazooka joe level jokes from a 4-year-old acquaintance of mine.

q: what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a: a CARROT!!

for best effect, shout the punchline while simultaneously eating something and rolling onto your back, exposing your underwear

^ how I usually deliver jokes

the other day in the pub...

why can't brian lenihan get the irish economy moving?

cos he can't budget!

Joke headline:

Monkey House of Representatives Votes to Repeel Banana

lool

This twitter has the best bad homemade jokes I've seen:

www.twitter.com/ratedgjokes

http://twitter.com/ratedgjokes

I made up a lot of Christmas jokes when I was putting up Christmas lights a week ago.

anyways

Why did Jesus have a bad Christmas?
because he found out that Santa doesn't exist

Why was Jesus sad on Christmas?
because he didn't get a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine

Why didn't Jesus get any presents on Christmas?
because he's a Jew

def stealing that last one

joke to do with new year's resolution, punchline including 1280×720

What is Sam the Sham's favorite carnival ride?
The pharaohs wheel.

abbbottt, often i will see yr name and be reminded of a scene from 'the thick of it' (uk political sitcom) in which the press are calling for the prime minister to sack underperforming minister hugh abbott, and the headline says PM CAN'T KICK THE ABBOTT

i guess that joke was homemade to somebody, so it counts itt

Thanks for the Sunnn D)))) joke, I just made good use of it.

So I told that to my g/f and she countered with one of her very own...

Which is the loudest lovesong in the world?

You are the Sunn O)))shine of My Life!

I am a lucky, lucky man.

whats a rastafarians favourite middle eastern country?
Yemen

straight giggles

Saudi Jah-rabia

Jah-pan

United Ar-Herb Emirates

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting giraffe.

Interrupting giraffe who?

...

Who's the greatest Scottish smooth jazz player?

Kenny MacG

(find it especially funny to say in an exaggerated accent and really elongating the "GEEEEEEEEE")

going to try it now

response: 'are you feeling all right?'

Song to teach children about not leaving food out/open: "If you liked it then you shoulda put a lid on it"

don't quit your day job unless this is your day job

I'm starting a modernist furniture store for the average American: Remote Within Reach

My g/f made me go to one of her pilates classes the other day and when we got there, the instructor had an eye-patch. He taught us all sorts of things including techniques such as "walking the plank". Then I realised I'd got the wrong lesson...

Ha, I like that DL. Reminds me of this one that my bro's mate says he made up:

I had a really hard time growing up. All we ever had to eat was glace cherries, dark chocolate and cream. Life's tough in the gateau.