Artist-specific music jokes

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say after the marathon?
A: I'm totally tired!

Q: About doing his homework?
A: It's totally required!

Q: To Brix?
A: You're totally fired!

Really, anything that ends in 'ired.' Eh hem.

A: He has a slow hand.

A: Because he doesn't hit on anything over 16.

A: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.....

....and Michael Jackson fucks kids.

A: Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandy Duncan.

a: michael jackson

So anyway, at the height of his fame Adam Ant visits the set of top British soap opera Coronation Street. As luck would have it, his favourite character Stan Ogden invites to come for a drink in legendary pub the Rover's Return on set. There they proceed to sink a great many pints of fine English ale. More than a little the worse for wear, Adam Ant decides to get one more round in. But as he stands up, he suddenly grips his side and starts moaning terribly. "What is it, mate?" says his companion. Adam starts singing: "Stan, it's my liver..."

/coat

Karen Carpenter's dress-size.

Speaking of people i'd like to pie in the face . . .

How how many how many minimalists how many minimalists does how many minimalists does it how many minimalists does it take how many minimalists does it take to how many minimalists does it take to change how many minimalists does it take to change a how many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Yep," said the doctor, "he's bats, all right."

"You've got to do something!" exclaimed the other members of the band.
"Check him into the rubber room, innit?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," said the doctor with a sad look in his eye.

"But you must!" exclaimed the band, "Otherwise we'll never get sleep again!"

"I'm afraid a higher power has forbidden it, lads." The doctor grabbed his Bible and patted it. "It says explicitly, 'Thou shalt not commit a Daltrey'."

What's yellow and lives off dead Beatles? [worse; racist]

Haha drummers aren't proper musicians [worst of all]

...

cf: I contributed to a similar thread recently and asked the readers of The Friday Thing to join in. Only I'd been duped by the editor into thinking it had a readership greater than that of a tiny college magazine (i.e. over1000) and so couldn't understand why no-one added to it. I looked a real chumpo. Writers beware!

John Lennon.

Flick the lights on and off.

"that Sparks joke is total and utter genius. i'm laughing myself into a stupor right now.
-- ken taylrr (or...), September 30th, 2004."

Sorry to piss on your parade MP, but he got it off Viz magazine.

A: Militia Etheridge!

And a ladyshave for the other leg.

B'dum Tish.

Limp Bizkit

It's Christmas time, and U2 have lined up a series of enormous charity gigs. They get together on the day of the first gig to soundcheck and Bono notices that The Edge is looking a bit peaky.
"What's the matter The Edge?" he says.

"Ah look it's nothing Bono" says the guitarist, "It's just - you know that Japanese promotional tour we did last week, right? I think I picked up something, it might be some kind of flu, I'm feeling pretty bad."

"Well, The Edge," replies Bono, "if you want to pull out of the gigs you just say so."

Edge shakes his head. "No, no, no way Bono. These gigs are important to me - I've got to think of the children, not my aching guts."

"That's the spirit The Edge", says Bono, and so that night they take the stage. They play all the hits and the crowd are loving it. For a big climax, because it's for charity, they're going to perform "Do They Know It's Christmas?", but as they get going on the song Edge suddenly feels very ill indeed, and he turns, drops his guitar and sprints towards the back of the stage. But he doesn't quite make it and he throws up, all over Larry Mullen Jr. and his drumkit.

"Jaysis The Edge!" yells Larry, "Those are brand new drums! What the hell are you doing?"

Poor Edge is mortified. "Aw Larry, I - I - I couldn't help myself, I'm so sorry, it's this flu."

Bono calls a band meeting after the gig. "The Edge, that was disgusting, I don't think you should be playing tomorrow night, you know, you're not well."

"No, Bono, it won't happen again, honestly, I'm so sorry - and you know, the show must go on."

So Bono agrees and when the gig kicks off the next night Edge is up there on stage, riffing away. The gig's going really well, no problems, but then as "Do They Know It's Christmas" starts Edge begins to feel sick. He desperately tries to hold it down but it's no good, and makes a dash for the side of the stage, only getting as far as Adam Clayton, who he vomits over. Copiously.

"Me best leather waistcoat!" howls Adam Clayton, "The Edge you're more beast than man!"

Edge is white as a sheet. "Oh no, Adam, I'm sorry, I couldn't be more sorry."

Bono is furious after the gig. "The Edge you've gone too far this time, you've ruined another gig. I've just been on the phone to Sting, he can fill in tomorrow, you've got to rest up."

Edge is almost in tears, "Please Bono no, this gig means so much to me, I know I've got it all out my system now, I'll be great tomorrow I promise, you have to let me play."

"OK The Edge one last chance, but if there's any more antics like the last two nights then that's it, the end, you're out of U2."

The next day Edge takes lots of vitamins and he's feeling fine. The gig starts and it's amazing, the best U2 gig ever, even "Discotheque" sounds alright. Bono's really pleased, Edge is happy. They start "Do They Know It's Christmas" and Bono moves over to stand shoulder to shoulder with his buddy and realy belt the tune out. Suddenly Edge doesn't feel too good. His face is contorting, he's struggling like mad but it's no use - he turns to Bono with a look of desperation and suddenly hacks up an enormous greenie right in Bono's face.

The song stops. Edge is paralysed with horror - "Bono I can explain, I'm truly sorry, you can't believe how sorry I am."

Bono wipes the snot off, turns to Edge, and says

"Well, tonight thank God it's phlegm instead of spew."

I just remembered that from an old National Lampoon.

A: He just heard that Stevie Wonder is black.

James Hatfield them walks into a bar and Lars snarls "you PROMISED, James!"

Q: Why was Rick Rubin’s partner unimpressed with his style of lovemaking?
A: It involves him lying on a couch across the room and smoking a joint.

(You’re welcome for this very funny joke!!)

From my kids, at primary school, c. 10 yrs ago:

Q. What do you call a fat computer?
A. A Dell.

(Smarmy stand-up bit):

"Folks, I'm a schmuck. I've been a schmuck my whole life. Wanna know how big a schmuck I am? Listen to 1969: Velvet Underground Live... I'm the kid in the crowd yelling back at Lou Reed – 'No, play two short sets! I gotta get home for Johnny Carson!'"

What do you call a Mike and the Mechanics tribute band made up entirely of samurai?

Silent Ronin

Q: Why are Depeche Mode bad at Teams meetings?

A: Because they're on Mute.

I've heard that on his rider Dave Gahan demands his own personal cheeses.

why did Depeche Mode march into the offices of Delta Dental?

to get a Policy of Tooth

what do you call a group of prosperous post-rock lawyers?

I don't know, reggie, what DO you call a group of prosperous post-rock lawyers?

McEntire, Grubbs, O’Rourke & Pajo LLP(?)

Do Make Say Think & Waterhouse ?

Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk

Q: Why does Dave Gahan never watch slasher flicks?
A: He can't stand Gore.

McEntire, Grubbs, O’Rourke & Pajo LLP(?)

^

torteoisie

Why did Bob Marley take karate?
Because he got to have hi-yah now

3

Q: Why are Depeche Mode bad at Teams meetings?

A: Because they're on Mute.

Btw, this was so great that I've thought about it from time time since it was posted...

Thanks, that was one of mine, although I'd probably heard it before somewhere. And now I think it would be funnier with Zoom, not Teams.

Why did the chicken ignore side one of Aerosmith's Pump?

To get to "The Other Side"

(This also works with Pendulum's In Silico but I figure ilx is more likely to complete the punchline in their head if it's the BBfBs)

gen z mud be like that's yeet that's yeet that's yeet that's yeet

why did the bee gees walk out of the clive anderson interview?

he was clive talkin'!

oh, my child

what were george michael's favourite songs first released on albums from 29 september 1997?

"cowboys" and "angels"

A man walks the streets of a foreign country, looking for a place to eat. The owner of a restaurant sees him and calls, "hey you! come try my food!" The man shrugs and goes inside.

"Just bring me your specialty," the man says as he sits down. The owner gives a delighted look and says, "I'll bring you our TWO very best dishes."

Ten minutes later, the owner sets out two plates of food that the man can't even recognize. "This one is fried scarabs," the owner explains excitedly, "and this one is sheep testicles." The man is horrified. But the owner swells with pride in his dishes and stands there expecting the man to try them. So try them the man must. First, he picks up a scarab. It's fried, so how bad could it be? He crunches into a leg and struggles to keep it down, but ultimately swallows the horrid thing and gives a thumbs-up. The owner is very pleased and gestures to the sheep testicles. The man slowly cuts a piece, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, then puts it in his mouth. He gags but is barely able to get it down, and afterward he turns to the owner with a put-on grin. "Both dishes are, uh, great."

"C'mon, you must have a favorite," the owner says, wagging a finger. "So which is it: the beetles or the stones?"

What laidback early 70s rock albums do health food specialists unwind to?

'Holland' and 'Barrett'

https://www.threads.net/@orangeframpton/post/C4ENBlxJMXm/

lol “What is a Communique?”

Yeah that guy really just had one round in the chamber, lol

What is a surgical assistant's favorite punk band?

Operation I.V.