Homemade Jokes

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gnomon

Q: What did Hemingway call his blog-turned-smash-hit-comedy-book?

A: Hills White Elephants Like

"Baby Jesus
Sizzling in a pan
one went pop and the other went Bang!"

!

Also lol!

what do you get when you cross nick drake with a cow
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pink moo

A giraffe goes into a bookstore and starts eating all the books on the top shelf. A shop assistant goes running over to him and says agitatedly 'excuse me sir - can I help you?'. And the giraffe replies 'no thanks, I'm only browsing'

Q. What happens when a yolk gives off heat?

A. An eggsothermic reaction.

wow, you just took egg puns to another level

You thought they'd been eggshausted, but no....

Today I came up with a joke lit theory paper title: "Id. at 10: Sexual Desire in Legal Citation Style"

i've been straining over a Limp Bizkit: 'Rollin' + myth of Sisyphus joke for a few days now. Topical, I know.

I tried to think of some fake conservative jokes:

Q: What is the greatest aphrodisiac in the world?
A: 50 years of marriage.

Q: What causes the pharoah to weep, and the peasant to build kingdoms in his mind?
A: Love, sire.

Q: did you hear about the gang that broke an onion out of jail?
A: iirc they sprung a leek

What beverage only comes in one flavor and takes 45 minutes to drink?

Sunny D)))

What did the confident but slightly grubby bicycle wheelbuilder say?

"Dust me, I know what I'm truing"

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, October 12, 2009 2:53 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

when I was three, the funniest joke in the world to me was:

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Green."
"Green who?"
"Green apple!"

I think this sense of humor still shines through in my choice of display names

Funny, I was just reciting the poen to myself the other week...

"You're NOT Robin Hood, and you're NOT Gunga Din"...

What do you call a folk singer wearing cheap underwear?

Mary Chafin' Carpenter.

LOLOL

Also awesome name for a Garbage Pail Kid imo. Twin could be Joni ITCHELL

haha!

Where do middle-aged couples go to enjoy their second honeymoon?

Viagra Falls

Why was Mary so uncomfortable riding a donkey?

Because it gave her bethlehemorrhoids.

Yay! One for the christmas cracker!

That, a hat and a fortune-telling fish - what more could you not want?

The lord is my shepherd I shall not want.

Yep, novelty sheep-farming deities, do not want.

Not mine, a friend's:

What do you call a psychic who can smell the future?

Nostrildamus

How do you vacuum an elephant?
Put peanuts in the airlock and then fire him into space.

What is the sound of an elephant being fired into space?
"Hrrmmmphhh......... ....... ..... ... .. ."

why was o afraid of i?

because iatee

Q: What's the opposite of drunken noodle?

A: Soba noodle.

why does julian casablancas drink fluorine?

to lower his life expectancy

i don't get that sunny d one

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunn_O%29%29%29

q. how does emile zola relax?
a. in a j'accuse-i

Q: What is it called when a lightbulb commits a criminal offense?
A: A watt-collar crime.

Said in the accent of a southern judge, obv.

How many years in prison does it take to change a lightbulb?

?

oh I get it

I've put 2011 aside to work on the punchline.

It's sort of along the lines of that "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?" joke (A: One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.)

i just heard one of these bazooka joe level jokes from a 4-year-old acquaintance of mine.

q: what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a: a CARROT!!

for best effect, shout the punchline while simultaneously eating something and rolling onto your back, exposing your underwear

^ how I usually deliver jokes

the other day in the pub...

why can't brian lenihan get the irish economy moving?

cos he can't budget!

Joke headline:

Monkey House of Representatives Votes to Repeel Banana

lool

This twitter has the best bad homemade jokes I've seen:

www.twitter.com/ratedgjokes

http://twitter.com/ratedgjokes