Let's bitch about our stupid, annoying co-workers

yes, i've moved desks. we've all moved desks, remember?

so "is this your new desk, then?" is a particularly asinine comment.

Ugh I hate pointless small talk like that. One of the girls I work with, she's a lovely lass, but she has to ask everyone what they are eating at lunch while they are eating it. "whats in it? did you make it?" etc.

That particular woman GF is talking about could fill a whole thread by herself. My latest favourite:

[After filing a story about Lewis Hamilton winning]
"... so, this Massa, his first name's really Ferrari then?"
"No, it's Felipe. Did you mean Ferarri's Felipe Massa?"
"Oh, does he drive a Ferrari car then?"
"... er, on the track, yes"
"oh."

Thing was, this was all perfect in the story.

Haha! Oh dear.

Seriously, she is ... well, as I suggested to a colleague the other day who had stopped by my desk purely to rant about the woman in question, if she turns out to be some reality-TV-style plant, designed to make us snap and hurl ourselves (or her) out of the window, I won't be too surprised.

Argh stupid fucking network admins keep rebooting extremely important server without telling anyone :(

What do you do when you work in a small, public place and a co-worker may have a crush on you and stares at you and wants to talk to you all the time, even though you in no way reciprocate the attentions? When I catch him staring at me I either look up and glare at which point he smiles, or studiously ignore him, at which point he continues looking. When I walk around I feel his eyes on me and it makes me uncomfortable. When he tried to talk to me I basically nod give monosyllabic non replies, but he somehow thinks that we are friends. There are many other ladies at my POV, and I don't notice him fixing on them in the same way. He also used to want to leave work together every day, but I put the kibosh on that.

you probably have no choice but to scar yourself in the most horrific manner possible.
as a bonus you'll get a few days off too!

serious answer: talk to your friggin boss already.

pick the biggest dude in the office and start dating him

^ otfm

am i the only person that thinks clipping your fingernails in your cubicle is inappropriate?

No. Occasionally I file my nails but feel bad about this as it seems kind of gross.

Dear woman three desks along who spends all fucking day (except when she's getting psychic readings off the Internet) on the phone running her buy-to-let business while doing fuck all in the way of paid work: I hate you.

The woman in my office spent all last week gasping in horror every time anyone so much as cleared their throat about how if one person in the office got a cold then everyone would get it and she didn't want one. When a guy sneezed (just once, not repeatedly) she started telling him he should go home.

So this week she has a filthy cold (which nobody else has had yet; it turns out her kids had it last week anyway), streaming and hacking, and has of course come in. Both days. Arrrr.

And if we do all get it, are we obliged to drag ourselves in too, so we don't look like we aren't working as hard as she is? Cz really I'm almost looking forward to an excuse not to be in the office. Sigh.

(Have performed emergency one-snip surgery on nails which have torn and are threatening to rip pink fleshy bits open, but someone on my bus seems to spend the whole bus journey clipping away noisily and then filing about once a week and it drives me crazy. Ugh. Especially if I'm right behind her and I feel like the air supply has become 40% nail-dust and manicure spray)

I was just in the ladies, and one of the girls I work with - she's a lovely lass but terribly nosey and asks personal questions of everyone all the time - came into the stalls and said "hello!" while I was in there doing my thing. Like I want to have a conversation while I am peeing!?

we think the receptionist may have pinched the office manager's ticket to m3r3d!th

^^ I told the coworker referenced above to stop looking at me. I then talked to another woman at my work and she told me he is doing the same thing to her. I then talked to my assistant manager. If he keeps acting like a creep I'm going to go to my boss.

definitely go to your boss.

i work at a pretty easy retail job. there's this dude who sometimes works the same shift as me. he mostly just stands around looking pissed off to be there and complaining about having to work for 7 hours and how much he wants to go home (often quite loudly in front of the customers.) the job's not exciting but it isn't in any way hard, either. it's really irritating.

this guy is a new dad, too. yay.

lol nobody respects me around here

motherfuckers take hourlong jaunts around the building chattin w/bros in other departments cause "oh hoos can handle it he's got it locked down" which yeah whatever i do but goddamn do some fuckin work and let ME sit on my ass and gossip with somebody for a minute

Still tempted to put up sign that says shut yr pie-hole and git to work not because I give a shit about them working but good god can't you dildos gossip about SOMETHING slightly more interesting than the time you found a bug in the MPEG4 spec or some stupid component in yr fantastic home theater that's nevertheless in a room that smells of pee?

"i can't remember the last time somebody threw something at a U.S. PRESIDENT. You know that guys' gonna disappear. They dragged him off and I heard there was a trail of blood behind him."

Dear Enraged Colleague,

The reason I put the sheets of cardboard and the drawing on that table is because your colleague told me to. If I had known there was a SPECIAL TABLE on which to put stuff that we needed photocopying then of course I would have put everything there. There was no need to shout at me and froth at the mouth for having put the cardboard and drawing on an EMPTY and UNUSED table TWO METRES away from the special photocopy request table in a place where you were ACTUALLY MORE LIKELY TO SEE IT.

Further points:

- I can actually use a photocopier myself, so if you just give me the BLOODY PASSWORD for it then I will stay out of your hair and not put things on the wrong tables.

- Please be horrible to the teachers who are horrible to you. NOT to the ones who have gone out of their way to be nice to you in the knowledge that not everyone is always very nice to you. Get me?

- Thank you for all the photocopies.

The bosses sent the matter straight to HR, so now I have to go speak formally to them, and I suppose this will go in my file. GRR

"You know what, I don't think bush understands symbolism so he doesn't get why it's important. Yeah, he's original; I'll tell you that."

'What's a Reverend? Is it something to do with religions?'
UGH

"You know how you can usually tell Democrats? They hate the Second Amendment. They want to get rid of the Second Amendment. You know Obama wants to get rid of guns."

What's a Reverend? Is it something to do with religions?

Actually one of the clergymen at the church where I work went off on this to a group of new members recently. "Reverend is an ADJECTIVE! It is not a TITLE! Technically, my title is the Reverend Doctor William -----. You should not call me Reverend. Or Doctor. You can call me Bill." (It was news to me.)

i have heard this girl recount the story of her new year's eve hookup to about 15 people today. getting really old.

Argh.

I have to load some data.

What I need is someone to tell me which branches in supplied data map to which agents in our system, as they use different codes.

I sent lists of each to the account manager asking them to link them up for me.

2 weeks later he sends me the original lists back to me just copied into a spreadsheet "hope this helps". Uh NO you fucking moron. This isn't even my job, grumble moan stupid understaffed department.

I am also a stupid, annoying co-worker cos I was just bitching about someone's incredibly stupid code, thinking it was written by someone who'd left the company, when the person I was sitting with said "before you go any further, it was me". Oops. It was really stupid code though.

They're just sitting around, calling out famous Arkansans for a list they're putting together.

And not everyone has been in the office at the same time, so people keep saying "what about Mary Steenberg----- WE ALREADY HAVE HER ON THE LIST."

Did you get Bill Clinton?

an old phillipino man in my office has been playing the sleeping in seattle [sic] soundtrack, on repeat, for over two months. just that one album on a loop. it's okay as i can't really hear it unless i'm over by his desk, but there's one harry connick jr song on the album where there's this big flourish of horns that's like 10x louder than anything else. BOM BA DA BA DA BOM - ba - ba - ba - BAAAAAH. now i hear it everywhere. it should be coming again shortly. i'll just wait for it. not long now.

It sounds like you're polishing your gun during the wait!

BOM BA DA BA DA BOM - ba - ba - ba - BAAAAAH.

ahh

This woman comes to my office everyday 2 or 3 times to visit, for like 15+ minutes at a time. She talks about things like her whimsical decision to switch up her commute route, her sinuses, her phlegm, her scar tissue, her father's carpal tunnel, her husband's fear of dentists. She lobs gossipy, utterly tiresome criticisms at others in our department. She rambles incessantly about World of Warcraft (fuck me this really makes me want to die. My eyes literally went cross at one point). All of this while slurping her hot chocolate and slightly gasping for air throughout her rapid-fire monologue.

I would pretend to be busy, but since we are in the same department, she is well aware of the fact that I/we haven't had a single thing to do since the holidays. *Sigh* Also, she was very helpful and patient during my first couple of weeks of cross-training. And I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to being brusque with annoying people : /

I need some way to alert me when she's making her way to my door. Perhaps an elaborate set of strategically placed mirrors. Then I could just pretend to be on the phone.

Put up a "TALK THERAPY - $50/hr" sign

"are you busy?"

"no i'm a gigantic slob who does nothing all day and gets paid for it"

"yes, too much to listen to whatever it is you have to say, ta ta! oh, you're my boss"

"whatever i say, i know i'm going to have to do whatever it is you're about to dump on me so why don't you SKIP this question - though i know it will be hard for you as it appears to constitute the ENTIRETY of your ideas about managing people's time and workload"

i've been told i need to come in to the office to cover the phones from 6pm tonight to 9am tomorrow morning, because the magic work-from-home thingie is down.

that's a 15-hr shift. overnight. in an office with no beds. during the biggest snowstorm in two decades.

when i suggested possibly sharing this shift with someone else i was told that it's my responsibility cause i'm the one on call, and it is my "duty" to do it.

^ fuck *that* noise. I assume you've made suitable complaining noises in the right direction?

Also: did you actually do it, then?

will:

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/funny-pictures-cat-talk-to-the-hand.jpg

A co-worker, who is typically not stupid nor annoying, has been working on a huge interior finishes project for the last couple of weeks. She has decided that the best place to store all the sample boards and carpet samples is on the floor adjacent to her desk and the entire floor surrounding it. So every time I have to get up from my desk, I have to watch my step and constantly step over or around shit on the floor. Very annoying.

what is the protocol for retrieving print jobs? whenever i print something out, i always go over to the printer to grab it, pretty much right away. this new co-worker always leaves print jobs on the printer, sometimes for a day or two. every time i grab a print job of mine, i have to flip through this person's stuff--and it's not always work related stuff she's printing out, either. i feel like i'm being an ass for complaining but at the same time i don't eat doritos for breakfast do i?

Write "SEE ME @ 4:30" on them in red Sharpie in the boss's handwriting.