Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

(xpost)

this just sounds worse than trying to meet people irl

joined this over the weekend. One of the profiles that popped up:

My Self-Summary
Only simple things and simple people are able 2 be summarized - a.k.a. - condensed - EASY 2 understand. Call it what U like - im not the one:)

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FYI - i DON't discriminate - but I am NOT - nor have i EVER been - Mentally, Physically, or Spiritually attracted 2 White MEN. - JUST like a gay person, i was BORN the way i am - it WASN'T a choice I made along the way (like MOST)

i LIKE what i LIKE - it IS what it IS - & thats the ONLY explanation i have 2 offer.

So, Please do the math & lets NOT waste each others time AND key strokes in vain

(Really tho, i'm starting 2 cramp up on here)

I am AMAZING!, 2 GOOD 2 B true, and oh' so Lonely:(
What I’m doing with my life
Right now? . . . Wishin i was somebodies Baby :(
I’m really good at
whatEVER i want 2 B.

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Reading people.....

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Making people laugh! see ---> :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

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Creating Beauty . . . .

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* Sizing chumps up - thats what!!!

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~hop-scotch~
The first things people usually notice about me
You'd have 2 ask the people.
My favorite books, movies, music, and food
ANY of the above that: Educate - Stimulate - Entertain - Inspire - Amuse - Soothe . . . . .. . ME:)

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*** POOTIE TANG (Love u Pootie:)
The six things I could never do without
List my top 6 WEAKNESSES - for the world to read?!?

( - INSERT KNIFE HERE - ) *i'm good - NO THANK YOU*
I spend a lot of time thinking about
....thangz....
...the craziness of the world & its inhabitants. . . . . .
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LOVE, TRUE LOVE. . . . EVIL . . .
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Why & WHEN "good" men suddenly became extinct - My "BIG BANG THEORY" on the topic (Id share a bit of it with you except id hate to blow your mind - thats all)
On a typical Friday night I am
...Imagining ALL the happiness & good times that await me on Friday nights of the future.
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Ive been resting up for them . . . - REALLY WELL!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
. . . . i -

- i . . .

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. . . . i forgot what a MAN feels like.
I’m looking for
Straight guys only
Ages 28-38
Near me
Who are single
For long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
You should message me if
i make U feel "fuNNy" - if i bring an unexpected smile to your face:) - if the thought of you & i makes you think, "Damn - WE look GOOD together!!!"

don't fucking do that kingfish

1) Think that perhaps she's met someone else on the site she's hit it off with better
2) Look back through your last email and realise that you dropped a clanger of a sexist joke at someone who not only self identifies as a feminist, but specifically states she is not interested in people who have that kind of sense of humour

Both of these plus several others, mostly involving raking one's personality over the hot coals of regret and self doubt.

OK, my "I am annoyed by OKC communications..." gripe is, when you write a detailed email with quite a bit of discussion in it, hoping that it will trigger discussion from the other person, and you get 2 lines in reply. Especially if they only answer the one or two direct questions you asked, and do not even ask you any in return. That's one of those "OK, I don't have any *way* of replying to this, so I'm not going to now" things that I take as, the other person is just ending the conversation for you.

― cymose corymb (Karen D. Tregaskin), Monday, September 13, 2010 1:04 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

only move here is to try and meet them at that level. short response with maybe one good question to prompt their response.

x-post Yeah, fair enough, all of these things. But what you don't do, is email them over and over until you have completely fucked them off.

Anyway, I dunno, it's like... the first email, sure, keep it short and simple because you can fire off three of them for every response you get. But if someone asks you questions, ask questions back? Some guys, honestly, it feels like you're interviewing them, like you keep having to come up with questions to ask them, but there's never any give and take.

(OK, I don't want to feel the opposite - like *I'm* being interviewed. To that, I'm just like "OK, stop, please tell me something about yourself?")

yeah that's happened to me, I take it as them not being interested...sort of, or not being interesting, sort of. but if i am still finding myself interested i would do what bnw says, reply with short emails too...see if you can coax out a more interesting discussion.

its one of those things that will find its own level. its kind of the price you pay for having a way to meet people so easily, that the connection can be dropped just as easily.

I guess with the guy it just happened with, it shows I wasn't that interested to start with, that I can't be bothered to ask him more questions.

The person I'm saddest that conversation petered out with was actually Pye Guy but I guess the lesson learned there is "don't be a facetious dick yourself" :-(

this just sounds worse than trying to meet people irl

god, yeah. i paid attention to this for a few months - which is to say, i downloaded the iphone app and sent a few messages - but was exhausted by the experience very very quickly.

as LJ says, in order to be in any way worth responding to you have to really go to quite a lot of effort to demonstrate that you are interested in them based on what you have read in their profile. then, in the same breath, you have to justify why you are worth their while and should not be casually discarded like the rest. the first contact is a sales pitch, essentially, so you're somewhat screwed if you're not a salesman.

even then, if they do respond receptively, before you've actually met in person, every email is an oppportunity for them to kick the communication to curb.

that all this can be drawn out over weeks, if not longer - and even then there are absolutely no guarantees that you will fancy each other if anything ever does materialise irl - just makes the process even more arduous and who these days really does have the time?

I agree that it's kind of exhausting, but you really don't have to do it all the time. And try to keep the exhausting bits to a minimum. Like first email, send something really short, one or two lines, just to see if the account is active, really. All you want is to show some flicker of interest and show them you have read their profile and invite them to read yours.

Even if your first email isn't brilliant, having a good profile will generally do the trick. If she writes back, then send a longer email and share something about yourself and ask her something about her.

Don't let conversations go longer than 3 exchanges (from each of you) without suggesting meeting up. Any longer than that, you've moved into penpals and you risk having too much expectation when you meet.

Kate completely OTM, that last paragraph especially. Boy can I not emphasise that enough.

N1ck, I'd say you're overdoing the cynicism a little there. You don't have to be a salesman and you shouldn't live in fear of the conversation ending - if it ends then there was never going to be much of a connection! Just be courteous and intelligent about it and let life wind as it will. But yeah, if it's got positive vibes, take it OFF OKC asap.

I think I sound more cynical and, reading back, despairing than I actually am/was. To tell teh truth I just got bored very very quickly and really couldn't be bothered to invest the time or energy (as little as that arguably might be) the experience seemed to demand.

Maybe if I hadn't met someone irl - who has now taken temporary custody of my sofa so I guess it's going well - I'd have persisted with this but as it goes...

It needn't take up much time and energy if you find someone you can quickly prioritise and then meet + get to know naturally - if you're constantly testing the waters with three or four 'hopefuls' THEN you're in the bad place that I may have been in for much of last year :/

Anyway, well done finding someone who prefers your sofa to your bed ;)

disagree about the 3 messages thing, lots of people are not that familiar with meeting people from online, could easily weird out somebody who is nice but feeling a bit cautious by that...i met someone at xmas after about 3 months of long messages. had 2/3 good dates then it fizzled, but the length of contact was a good thing imo.

Three months of long messages to get to two or three dates? Christ, that, I do *not* have the patience for.

I just don't understand the idea of living in a world where meeting someone off the internet is a weird thing. (But then again, I have spent over 15 years meeting people off the internet.)

I guess I just don't have the time for long email correspondences any more. Or rather, if I want long email correspondences, I can get them from lots of different types of places. The only reason I can see to join a dating site is to meet people in the flesh. I spend enough of my damn life online, I don't want to "date" there as well.

i didn't even know if i would meet her......felt it was better to just chat as felt normal, in other cases i agree it is good to arrange a date quickly.

Amen to that last point Karen.

I.e. "The only reason I can see to join a dating site is to meet people in the flesh. I spend enough of my damn life online, I don't want to "date" there as well."

Above, my proto-rant was not about not replying to initial messages (which I see as totally valid), but rather at suddenly stopping replying in a conversation.

If you've been actually scared or threatened etc. then that's a different matter, but I think that's rare.

I know that OKC is not the same as real life, so maybe my comparison to walking away from a face-to-face conversation doesn't hold that much water, but I still maintain that it is rude to just stop replying to someone when you've been properly messaging back and forth without giving some kind of goodbye or other closure, and perhaps even a reason.

Sometimes even the mere act of suggesting a meet up will give an indication of how keen they (or indeed, you) are.

Like, there's a big difference (to me at least) between someone going "yeah, I guess depending on where you work we could maybe meet up at lunchtime or something..." and "yeah, great. I can do tomorrow night or Saturday if you prefer?"

And also if you're vacillating yourself on whether it's a conversation you want to continue or not, asking yourself "do I want to meet this person?" is a good way of getting a gut reaction.

I suppose it is, really, an endless case of whittling down because, like, there's thousands of people on that site, and you can't possibly date them all. I kinda have to go on gut reactions with romance-related things because whenever I've overthunk it, I end up talking myself out of what I really want and into something bad.

What's the difference to you between those two sentences? I don't see one.

I just don't understand the idea of living in a world where meeting someone off the internet is a weird thing.

It isn't any weirder than replying to old-fashioned personals ads, but I dunno - it feels contrived? It feels more blatantly transactional?

Don't let conversations go longer than 3 exchanges (from each of you) without suggesting meeting up. Any longer than that, you've moved into penpals and you risk having too much expectation when you meet.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster, possibly even a recipe for personal danger.

There's a big difference! x-post to Krakow.

The first is vague, non-committal, implies that it does not really matter to the person if you meet or not, it's a maybe at best.

The second is a definite yes, followed by concrete suggestions, this person not only wants to meet you, but has actually suggested that they have thought through a variety of options with meeting you in mind. In addition, suggesting meeting "tomorrow" shows that they are keen, excited, but an alternate suggestion in the future suggests that they do not presume to monopolise your time, but rather suggests two equally prioritised options.

Option 1 puts all of the organising and deciding and even worse, arranging on the person you are asking, which kind of negates the point of asking at all. Don't be vague. Be specific, but offer a choice, especially if you want the person to agree to go out with you, because "would you like to do option A, or option B" provides a clear-cut way of accepting or refusing politely. The former, they pick an option, the latter, they politely say that neither is convenient. On the rare occasion that the person is actually busy on both dates, it provides them with the clear way of expressing a definite interest, which would be to say "I can't do A or B, but would you be able to do C?" Also, psychologically, people are much more likely to pick one of two clearly presented options than have to invent their own option. It's just easier.

Clear options, clear answers, less confusion.

Granted, this is the sort of thing that works for me. Other women on this thread may offer differing opinions? I'd be interested to hear if other women hate the faff and like the clearness as much as I do.

I took 'suggest meeting up' to be a slightly non-committal statement BUT a sincere one that you'd be prepared to meet, not an actual organisation of date time location etc - that should come naturally (but there's never harm in asking, and you should do so pretty much as soon as you're both agreed to meet! Say, within five or six emails)

So basically a bit from both of Kate's camps. When it comes to suggesting a date, you have GOT to be decisive, and precise.

As I say, I prefer to meet sooner, but not necessarily in a datey way, more in a pleasant lunch-or-walk way

This sounds like a recipe for disaster, possibly even a recipe for personal danger.

Oh yes, of course, you're right, I forgot. THE INTERNET IS FULL OF CREEPY DANGEROUS PEOPLE.

Unlike bars, or anywhere else you're likely to meet single people.

You always do Safety First and exchange phone numbers, and leave the phone number, and a description of where you are going, with someone who agrees to check in on you post-date. It's actually much safer than meeting some dude from a bar because they have left huge chunks of their personal information across the web during the course of their setting up a profile and corresponding with you.

I have only ever really met one serious psycho through the internet, and trust me, that wasn't on a dating site.

The asking for date comes after you have agreed to meet up.

Person 1: Shall we meet up?
Person 2: Yes
Person 1: Option A or Option B?

Or even

Person 1: Shall we meet up?
Person 2: Option A or Option B?
Person 1: I prefer this option

xpost once more thunderously OTM - meeting people from the internet hasn't quite lost its stigma, which is a shame - obviously you can't guarantee animal attraction online, which sometimes happens IRL within one glance, but you can guarantee a helluva lot else

Yeah, meet ASAP if you think you might have some interest, imo, but in a public place and pref not somewhere that is your "usual", so if there's any kind of bad-date embarrassment etc or the opposite, you have sex in the bathroom and get caught, you don't have to live it down. Also, DO NOT PRE-LOAD THE MEETING WITH ALL THAT OMG I RLY LIKE YOU DO U LIKE ME? stuff. Just a suggestion. You can both say "no" as soon as you walk in the door, if you want.

it's all pretty random...i had a date a few weeks ago from guardian's dating site and it went really well, like really well by any possible standard you could have. then no reply when i mailed her after...i think even when you go on a date there's always the chance you're just one item on the conveyor belt. i'm sure i've done this as well...

one of my friends who did OKC dating for awhile would often have the first date be playing chess at a cafe or park.

ahhhhhhh but that's 'dating' qua dating - the american-style merry-go-round where you have 5 on the go at once and it's all very casual and whoops you accidentally slept with one does that mean you're a thing now no it means you have another date

cannae be fucked with that rigmarole

btw when has a first date ever led to bathroom sex in a public establishment

that is an awesome first date idea sarahel!!

Oh yes, of course, you're right, I forgot. THE INTERNET IS FULL OF CREEPY DANGEROUS PEOPLE.

Which is not what I meant at all. Actually, the idea of dating someone that I hadn't known in RL for a while worries me, but like I said, I have almost no experience with this and my life situation is almost diametrically opposed to yours. (My first date was a college classmate; we'd been in the same class for a few weeks. I met my husband in massage school; we were about halfway through a six-month class.)

it made me wish i knew how to play chess.

also - the friend in question ended up getting together with a friend she's known for a while, and now they are married

xxp Oh, is that an American thing? I thought it was a "smart adults who realize they don't have to fall in 'love' with every person, every time" thing. Not that I've ever actually done it, mind you.

And I'm pretty sure you don't sleep with "one", I'm pretty sure you sleep with all of them until it either clearly isn't working out or someone becomes interesting enough to be worth not sleeping with anyone else.

love???

Over here it's regarded as a very American way to date, to have several people on a dating roster at once. Yeah, it's smart to not commit to anything until you're sure about someone, but I don't want to have to juggle several people at once, and I don't really want to do conventional dinner-dating

and no I do not fall in 'love' with everyone I sleep with, my 2009 would have been even worse if I had

like I say I am extremely tolerant and I approve of sexual freedom but personally sleeping with various people at once is a mental hurdle I find it hard to leap - maybe this will change, maybe it won't

you need a large bed for that to be really comfortable, i would guess?

I am being purposefully flippant b/c I get the whole "that is so American" thing all the freaking time and you know, I was never trying to be on Sex and the City or anything, fucking A I was just trying to get a date in this damn city and be happy with another person, and after a while you see that there are rules for not ending up in pieces every. time. and one of those rules is It Would Be Better If You Didn't Like Anyone Too Much, Especially Right at the Start.

having options like that IS a good way to avoid being hurt, definitely.

do British people only have one friend that they hang out with?

no I have several friends but we do not explore the carnal mysteries together iirc

you need a large bed for that to be really comfortable, i would guess?

Three or four people can be perfectly comfortable on a queen-sized bed, and three people can do OK on a couch.

you don't remember?

or was it so much of a mystery you're not sure if you "did it" or not?

Yeah, I was going to bring that up. (I was nowhere near the area at the time, I swear.)