Chicago: Totally hands-free!!!

My source is the Encycl0pa3d1a Br1t@nn1ca Alm@n@c 2008, although since that's unpublished, you could say the 2006 edition, since the figures haven't changed. (We didn't publish an edition for 2007.)

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/51/David_Krumholtz_at_the_Serenity_Premiere.jpg/220px-David_Krumholtz_at_the_Serenity_Premiere.jpghttp://farm1.static.flickr.com/55/130487664_aabf7e7d5c_m.jpg

Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. Title your bulletin "My Bar Tab is$........" You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Smoked pot -- $10

Did acid -- $5

Ever had sex at church -- $25

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40

Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25

Had sex for money -- $100

Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20

Vandalized something -- $20

Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10

Beat up someone -- $20

Been jumped -- $10

Crossed dressed -- $10

Given money to stripper -- $25

Been in love with a stripper -- $20

Kissed someone who's name you didn't know --$10

Hit on someone of the same sex while at work-- $15

Ever drive drunk -- $20

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50

Used toys while having sex -- $30

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20

Went skinny dipping -- $5

Had sex in a pool -- $20

Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10

Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20

Cheated on your significant other -- $10

Masturbated -- $10

Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20

Done oral -- $5

Got oral -- $5

Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25

Stole something -- $10

Had sex with someone in jail -- $25

Made a nasty home video -- $15

Had a threesome -- $50

Had sex in the wild -- $20

Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25

Stole something worth more than a hundred dollars -- $20

Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20

Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25

Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50

Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25

Went streaking -- $5

Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15

Been arrested -- $5

Spent time in jail -- $15

Peed in the pool -- $0.50

Played spin the bottle -- $5

Done something you regret -- $20

Had sex with your best friend >-- $20

Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25

Had anal sex -- $80

Lied to your mate -- $5

Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $2 5

O. K , now tally up your answers, then, click forward to send to the all of the people you want to take the test...... In the subject of you forward put your "My Bar Tab Is... (your total)

You dudes get a hair cut and it'll be
http://www.citypaper.com/sb/67090/film_beyond.jpg

The extra fifty cents will get the pool-pee-ers out of the woodwork.

I know.

$755.50

That comes out to around $300 for me, depending on what they mean by "sex" and "nasty home video."

465

$330

Doing everything would be $1,120.50

I mean, if we're lenient on those terms, it's $350.

$520

$2000.

$1,000,000.

Shut up.

OK.

I kind of hate these things, because they always make me feel inadequate, but then I have to tell myself, "Do I really want to have had sex with someone in jail?"

the old good jesse/bad jesse routine

under $500 = you haven't lived

None of your business.

John, just do a little streaking in River North today and you can add $15 to the total.

Also wait wait, "had sex with someone on MySpace" = I'm taking that to mean "had sex with someone you MET on MySpace"? Because taken literally, yeah, I've had sex with someone who happens to be on MySpace, long before MySpace was a twinkle in Tom Anderson's eye.

Fuck a co-worker before the end of the day, and you're up another $25.

If it makes you feel better, John, my total is significantly below yours.

Eric, what makes you think those aren't already part of my total? ;-)

Naw, I don't actually feel bad, Nick. There was a time it probably would've bothered me, but not as much anymore.

The priorities of whoever wrote that are really weird, like why is doing acid worth less than smoking pot?

Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20

haha wtf

Masturbating > being arrested?

Where is shitting in the pool? That's got to be worth another .50

Not that I have.

Heh, good point, John. But taking the one variable I can parse from your total, I suggest using one of those free one-day membership coupons for the Lakeshore Athletic Club and peeing in their pool. After fucking your co-worker. And grab a laptop on the way out the door for another twenty.

That would be some day, huh?

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50

^^^^seems rather high

Yeah, I was just about to make that point. It's worth twice as much as fucking a prostitute. I mean, I get drunk at the office Christmas party every year, it's not that hard.

These are indications that this poll was clearly written by a 14-year-old.

Plus who else would bother?

14 American Apparel Models Freed In Daring Midnight Raid

what's up with being in love with 2 people at once being one of the 'worst' things on the list? when i was the age of whoever wrote that, i was in and out of love every 5 minutes, and there were totally overlaps.

hi jenny
chat
with me

I think that someone should write an article about MySpace surveys and racism similar to this one about Cragslist personal ads and racism. I could submit all the surveys my racist cousin posts as a starting point for data collection.

Go to hell. I'm busy.

"Before I knew it, I was squatting on the floor in this humid room with a camera pointed at my crotch," said model Gabrielle, whose image can be found on the back page of this newspaper.

Awesome.

Jenny has good links.

Surely hearing a roommate have sex because you're stuck in a college dorm room in a bunk bed is different than watching 2 people...

(Referring to this "Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25")

Those meth ads are particularly effective because they're in the same place as the AA ads in New City, Onion, etc.

Oh, Sarahpaws. Were you stuck on the top bunk or the bottom?

I am working on a paper with dozens of Chinese and Japanese authors, and one of them is named "Y. I. Ohta" and it's cracking me up.

I think about this sometimes- race in the personals. At what point is it a problem? Craigslist is not like Match.com where you have boxes to check which races you're interested in, so you have to write it out. Does this make Match.com (and every other dating site) racist?

And does "Vandalized something -- $20" include writing on a bathroom stall in elementary school? What if it was a diatribe about why people shouldn't use curse words because Jesus wouldn't approve and about how life is beautiful?

I assumed that "been in the same room" one meant exactly what you described: being stuck in a dorm room. I don't think they necessarily mean "watched," but I guess that would count, too.