Chicago: Totally hands-free!!!

One of the partners left a message with a task for me. It's bizarre.

She wants me to find the number of casualties for the North and the South in the Civil War, and also the number of deaths at the Battle of Gettysburg.

Is she representing Gaybraham Lincoln?

I wish Amanda Lepore were here to talk to me. She would help me work through the, uh, problem I'm having.

I was a boozy floozy last night. Courtney and I smoked cigarettes.

She wants me to find the number of casualties for the North and the South in the Civil War, and also the number of deaths at the Battle of Gettysburg.

I can get you that first figure in a second...

I put an ad on craigslist trying to trade my Fender for a semihollowbody guitar.

Just in case any of you have a semihollowbody guitar you're looking to trade.

I have a trombone?

Union
Wounded: 281,881
Battle deaths: 140,415
Other deaths: 224,097
Total deaths: 364,512

Confederate
Wounded: 137,000
Battle deaths: 74,524
Other deaths: 124,000
Total deaths: 198,524

I copied that from the almanac I've been working on. Original sources were US Department of Defense and Coast Guard.

Awesome.

i emailed you, john.

xpost - oh. thanks.

How about Gettysburg?

Those numbers are more distancing than the fact that kevin killed Brett Somers.

Hmmmm. These are the numbers I found.

Federal

Killed in action 67,088

Confederate

Killed in action or mortally wounded 94,000

I'll see if I can find Gettysburg and e-mail it to you.

I wonder if there's an official wounded number for the current war. Must be, right?

Or just post it here, I don't care:

Losses were among the war's heaviest: of 88,000 Northern troops, casualties numbered about 23,000; out of 75,000 Southerners, more than 20,000.

This has some more specific numbers for Gettysburg.

EZ, as of March 2007, the number wounded in Iraq is 24,314, and the number of deaths is 3,228.

I'm sure there are more up-to-date figures; that was from the same table that the Civil War casualties were listed in.

Why the difference in figures?

Well, what are the sources?

Why the difference in figures?

Where, between the numbers I gave you and the numbers you found?

I mean why, besides the fact that it happened before counting was invented.

Yes.

I am sure I don't have to be too accurate. This is probably for an opening statement.

What are your sources, so I can cite them.

Are you using this site? Because you'll notice that the difference between Union wounded is not that great: 281,000 vs. 275,000. And total Union deaths is close, too: 364,000 vs. 389,000. Confederate figures are a little further off. For wounded: 137,000 vs. 194,000. Total deaths: 198,000 vs. 289,000.

But to answer your question, a lot of these figures are based on estimates, I think (like that "94,000" number you quoted above).

My source is the Encycl0pa3d1a Br1t@nn1ca Alm@n@c 2008, although since that's unpublished, you could say the 2006 edition, since the figures haven't changed. (We didn't publish an edition for 2007.)

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/51/David_Krumholtz_at_the_Serenity_Premiere.jpg/220px-David_Krumholtz_at_the_Serenity_Premiere.jpghttp://farm1.static.flickr.com/55/130487664_aabf7e7d5c_m.jpg

Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. Title your bulletin "My Bar Tab is$........" You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Smoked pot -- $10

Did acid -- $5

Ever had sex at church -- $25

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40

Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25

Had sex for money -- $100

Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20

Vandalized something -- $20

Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10

Beat up someone -- $20

Been jumped -- $10

Crossed dressed -- $10

Given money to stripper -- $25

Been in love with a stripper -- $20

Kissed someone who's name you didn't know --$10

Hit on someone of the same sex while at work-- $15

Ever drive drunk -- $20

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50

Used toys while having sex -- $30

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20

Went skinny dipping -- $5

Had sex in a pool -- $20

Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10

Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20

Cheated on your significant other -- $10

Masturbated -- $10

Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20

Done oral -- $5

Got oral -- $5

Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25

Stole something -- $10

Had sex with someone in jail -- $25

Made a nasty home video -- $15

Had a threesome -- $50

Had sex in the wild -- $20

Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25

Stole something worth more than a hundred dollars -- $20

Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20

Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25

Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50

Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25

Went streaking -- $5

Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15

Been arrested -- $5

Spent time in jail -- $15

Peed in the pool -- $0.50

Played spin the bottle -- $5

Done something you regret -- $20

Had sex with your best friend >-- $20

Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25

Had anal sex -- $80

Lied to your mate -- $5

Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $2 5

O. K , now tally up your answers, then, click forward to send to the all of the people you want to take the test...... In the subject of you forward put your "My Bar Tab Is... (your total)

You dudes get a hair cut and it'll be
http://www.citypaper.com/sb/67090/film_beyond.jpg

The extra fifty cents will get the pool-pee-ers out of the woodwork.

I know.

$755.50

That comes out to around $300 for me, depending on what they mean by "sex" and "nasty home video."

465

$330

Doing everything would be $1,120.50

I mean, if we're lenient on those terms, it's $350.

$520

$2000.

$1,000,000.

Shut up.

OK.

I kind of hate these things, because they always make me feel inadequate, but then I have to tell myself, "Do I really want to have had sex with someone in jail?"

the old good jesse/bad jesse routine

under $500 = you haven't lived

None of your business.

John, just do a little streaking in River North today and you can add $15 to the total.

Also wait wait, "had sex with someone on MySpace" = I'm taking that to mean "had sex with someone you MET on MySpace"? Because taken literally, yeah, I've had sex with someone who happens to be on MySpace, long before MySpace was a twinkle in Tom Anderson's eye.