Depression and what it's really like

Last day was today. Feeling kinda okay. Landlady understood when I told her about it and how i'd only be able to pay 1/2 the rent on time. It helped that I fixed her & her husband's wireless printer. They then invited me back down for dinner tonight.

Already have an appt with a recruiter tomorrow morn. Since what you think determines what you feel, I really did do the repeated affirmation/mantra thing for a little while, and it helps.

ENBB, note that if I had a pug, I be fuckin' wandering around town with him peaking out of my backpack like he was guiding my Jedi training or some shit.

But that's just me.

OMG gonna see if he'll go in a backpack right now. Will report back.
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ENBB, note that if I had a pug, I be fuckin' wandering around town with him peaking out of my backpack like he was guiding my Jedi training or some shit.

This might be possible with some practice but I think he was a little freaked out first time in:

http://i38.tinypic.com/28a599g.jpg

Hahah aw.

You should have brought him like that to the Boston FAP.

Aw man. If he starts to like it I'm probably just gonna take him everywhere like that tbh.

benson definitely more terrestrial than marsupial imo

transfixed by pugs whenever i see them

they're just not into being like any other dogs

YES! STRONG IS THE DARK SIDE, CONTROL YOU IT WILL!

I WOULD be wandering around town, rather

LOL, he looks like he's thinking "this is so freaking HUMILIATING, ruff >:| "

<3

:D I like how he looks like he's hanging on by the straps. TBH when I first got him in there he was so shocked looking that it was adorable but started wriggling around soon and it was hard to get a good pic.

<3, he's got a 'price of love' look on his face.

Do you tell your partner how deep your depression is? I want to but can't. He knows I am depressed but not to what extent. The drugs are not effective enough (if at all). Anxiety and very dark cloud still persist. Shld get appoint in september. Tempted to see psychoanalyst tbh. Ooooh the irony.

Tbh I even feel guilt, as there is noreason to be depressed.

why can't you?

Like I said, guilt. But also, I don't think I want him to know. It would just freak him out. (-> see how having a partner doesn't save you from depression. Used to hope that but realized I was wrong.)

That guilt you're feeling is a symptom of the depression. The wonderful thing about the drugs I'm on is not that they get rid of my depression--I still go into bad phases, like the very bad one that I was in for the last few days--but I don't feel like the scum of the earth anymore when I'm depressed.

yeah that. and I feel less caught up in/distracted by my emotions (in most cases).

I wanted to say that the guilt is part of me. But that isn't right. Guess you're right.

Also, man, I have really fucked up sleeping patterns. Awake at 4:30. Then again had a two day migraine attack.

Do you know what triggered it?

Oh yes. No way I can solve it, other than reprogramming myself. Lol. Second time this hit me for the exact same reason.

my doctor's advice for insomnia is just not to fight it and roll with it. if you wake up at 4:30, go walk up a hill and watch the sunrise. or make a really luxurious breakfast. and if you can't sleep at 2 am read some long, distracting NYT articles or get some tedious work done, like balance yr checkbook. seems to work for me, it gives me a huge mental energy boost the next day when i do stuff like this so i can deal with the fucked up sleep pattern. i just went back to work (as a high school teacher) after a long summer of daily beach / tennis / cycling / camping / etc. now i am suddenly up until 2 am every night, getting up at 7:30 every day, not doing anything fun / physical / outdoorsy except taking care of new dog. it's tough to stay positive with this type of thing going on - even a "typical" brain would have issues coping - but i think just staying aware of what's going on and reasoning it out helps a lot.

also here's an anecdote

my roommate is a 24 year old teacher who just finished his first year. he's been working at my school for a while as a coach so we're pretty tight. his mom had a stroke at the beginning of his first year which she recovered from but which also left her acutely depressed. his father has a gambling problem. the bank foreclosed on one of their two houses and is threatening the second because their mortgage. his sister is in her 9th year of an endless communications major which mom keeps shelling out for (including rent) and his brother and father just lost their jobs. so he's moving back home tomorrow because he figures that's close to $1000 he can give back to his parents, but he's real upset about the whole thing - it's been brewing all year since the stroke, and he also had to deal with some crazy shit where his teaching partner had a manic depressive episode that resulted in getting fired midyear (that was tough for the entire staff - as a charter school we're a bit of a high-pressure environment)

so anyway, i urged him at the midpoint of last year to use our medical benefits to see a therapist weekly. and lo and behold, it's been working for him, and now he's planning to bring his parents in with him because weekly family therapy is also covered under our plan. and he has a plan for including his mom in his training routine (he's a triathlete) to get her outside and doing stuff instead of watching TV and crying, and he's going to try to figure out something for dad too.

in short, he's a superhero, because he's doing everything humanly possible to get help and support (emotional and material) for himself and his family.

and last night, he was really unhappy, and i asked him what was wrong, and he said "well, i had to admit to my mom i was seeing a therapist when i asked her to come with me".

so yeah, guilt runs deep, even in the best people, but feeling guilty about telling your partner about your problems makes about as much sense.

also, i understand your fear. my marriage imploded because my ex-wife and i weren't able to talk through our mutual problems with depression. and her interpretation of events is still "that i couldn't deal with her depression". but the truth is that she refused to get help, and i had to leave, because it wasn't healthy for me to be taking sole responsibility for our relationship. one person can't be doing all the work. so sharing the problem is OK, but only if you do it with a plan to get help, and you include your partner in that plan, and show respect for their efforts. if they don't want to help, then you have to wonder what kind of "loved one" they really are ...

and yeah, now i've been seeing a really amazing girl for a year, and i've done all sorts of crazy stuff i've wanted to do my whole life but i've always been scared to, and we started things out by communicating really clearly and frankly about my problems, and what i'm doing to address them and how she can support me in that effort, and how i can respect her support by in turn supporting her.

so i say go ahead and tell your partner.

sorry to get all soapbox-y on you, just try to stay positive, remember that if someone you knew wanted to tell their partner something but felt like they couldn't they'd feel pretty depressed, remember that you **can** reprogram your brain but that you should also accept your own differences, and good luck sorting it out

Fucked up sleeping patterns can become the egg to depression's chicken, if that makes sense. Try to get regular sleep, it's really essential. Back in January, I got on a vicious cycle of insomnia due to bad dreams (night time flashbacks) leading to daytime exhaustion which led to more flashbacks and a fear of sleeping due to nightmares, etc. I know that was just me, but I imagine I'm not completely alone in that.

Oh, exercise is what dragged me out of the pattern -- combination yoga and cardio.

(xposts w/ moonship)

moonship otm, tho

Depression fucking terrifies me, quite honestly. And I deal with PTSD symptoms pretty much daily.

pretty sure this section of my biography will be titled "in which: rent money becomes booze"

"so the rent became whiskey / and then my life became risky" - silver jews

moonship, you're so otm. thanks for all the advice. :-)

there is noreason to be depressed

I wish there was a way that it could be made clearer that this absolutely doesn't matter. Depression isn't necessarily circumstantial (though circumstances can exacerbate or prolong it, obviously). It's the self-reflexive version of "pull yourself together", that it shouldn't be there and you can just look at your shit and say "there's no reason for this". It's there in and of itself, regardless of circumstances.

Nath, I should qualify this as a general observation and absolutely not a criticism of your feelings - I've beaten myself up about it often enough to know that it's a perfectly normal reaction, to try and justify stuff to yourself, and self-blame is the easiest trap in the world to fall into when you aren't seeing straight.

Right. A good percentage of depression is caused by bad brain chemistry.

The thing is, I look from the outside and see the depression. I also realize, even from an outside view, I am really not seeing straight. I see all the symptoms and feel like a walking cliche (half-jokingly): tiredness, disinterest, guilt, playing with suicidal thoughts,... Most of all I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I feel like I am trapped somehow. The crux is that this can't be completely helped, it is in my nature. But of course not to this degree. I realize this is not healthy at all.

I literally walk into a room and am convinced I am the stupidest person.

Ailsa, thank you. I agree but then I look at my life and still think I shouldn't be feeling this way. I perfectly nderstand when it's someone else, just not for me. I need a psychoanalyst cause I know where it comes from (in part). lol

Also, after rereading this thread I realize I've been walking around with this "baggage" for a VERY long time. Urgh.

The crux is that this can't be completely helped

But it can be dealt with. Please do (I think you know this).

I will. Promise.

Nathalie, psychoanalysis takes a long time and can be very expensive. There's also the danger of running into someone with quack theories and/or someone on a power trip, so be very careful. (If they start talking about repressed memories, RUN.)

(And when I say run, I mean run--walk out in the middle of the session if you have to. It is trivially easy to make people believe false memories. )

Oh, and please keep us in touch with your progress.

love you, nath! see someone. get help. talk to people. there are people who can help.

Argh, Nath, I tried to webmail you earlier but it didn't work as I was on the bus and my iPhone didn't want to play ball.

You know that I've had a mixed experience with drugs and with therapy. If drugs work for you, that's great. But if they don't - or if they initially help, and then stop working, it's a really bad idea to just stay on them and not try something else. If, six months down the line, you feel as bad as you did before (or worse - because some drugs, especially SSRIs can make people feel worse, long term) then try something else.

I do kind of have a suggestion, based on my own recent experiences, though! I was recently put on beta blockers for my migraines - it is early days, but I have noticed a side effect of massive reductions of anxiety - especially social anxiety.

I mean, I went to a FAP (without drinking) for the first time in a couple of years and stayed for a few hours and it was fine! Under normal circumstances, I would be convinced everyone HAAAATES me, or convinced that no one wants me around, or just feel awkward (your description of feeling "the stupidest person in the room" really chimes with me - though, with me, it was more like "I'm the ugliest person in the room, the the most useless person in the room, the least likeable person in this room" and either have to leave, or more likely just not have got there in the first place without drinking huge amounts first. But it sounds like the same voice.) This, I think is anxiety as much as it is depression.

(At least, I suspect it may be, in mine own circumstances. I'm fine if I have something to do in the situation, but if I'm just there to be social, I feel incapable. This makes me feel isolated. Feeling isolated makes me feel depressed and suicidal and want to sleep all the time.)

Like I said, I was put on beta blockers for migraines (which I know you get as well) but so far they have mainly helped with the anxiety, and because the anxiety has lifted, I'm less depressed. I don't know if this is permanent, or if it's a temporary side effect that will wear off, but it's really helped. It might be something worth mentioning to your doctor, to see if you can switch because I know that you have mentioned both migraines and panic attacks/anxiety before - and this stuff does seem to help with both of those things.

Hope that things improve for you.

Reading this thread as a lurker has been really helping me in the "u r not alone" sweepstakes. I just went off SSRIs for the first time in about 7 years, for no other reason than I'm taking other medications right now, for blood pressure and other things, and wanted to reduce my pharmacopeia by one. It's been a hell of an adjustment and I've been having a really tough time coping. Seems the only things I feel strongly right now are anxiety and anger. :(

OMG, coming off SSRIs was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Reduction and spacing them out is urgent and key. But yeah. Even after the withdrawal wears off, there's this "OMG, EMOTIONS!!! and they're not very nice ones!" like you've been sitting in one position too long and the pins and needles are almost unbearable. But that's what it is. Your brain readjusting. Really hope that things go OK for you, Phil.

Ugh. I did step down, but my last week, and the first full week without them, were fucking miserable. It felt like the worst hangover ever x1,000, 24 hours a day.

Yeah, it's possible to get too used to feeling normal.

No, no, that way lies PAIN. Seriously! I tried about 3 or 4 times to get off them that way, and within a week or two I'd have stabbed my grandmother to go back on them. Reduce, reduce, reduce. Go down 10 mg at a time and spend at least a week or two at each lower level. Once you're on 10mg, start spacing them out longer and longer, like take 2 pills every 3 days, then space them longer and longer. It took me two months to get off them, you have to train your brain to function without them, and to let your brain adjust and make serotonin for itself. It made a lot more sense to me after I read the brain chemistry of the stuff, why it's so hard to come off. Cold turkey is so not a good idea!

x-post

Or just tell your doctor that you want to get off of them (which you should be doing anyway) and have him/her develop a taper-off plan. (Incidently, I took Paxil for a year in the early Nineties, stopped cold turkey, and had none of the symptoms that you are mentioning.)

Brains & drugs: one size does not fit all. Your mileage may vary.