your terrible ideas

million dollars bomb pops

every package of bombpops contains a card that says "YOU WIN ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Enter in your victory code at www.------.com for details" But when you go to the website, it's just a link to my noise band called "One Million Dollars" that accompanies the lead-in commercials to The Office reruns on TNT, and there's fine print that says something like "Bomb Pops(tm) assumes that the phrase 'you win one million dollars' means 'you listen to the demos of the band One Million Dollars'

the blank stares I get when trying to explain this to my beyonce reminds me of what the founders of google must have gotten when they explained their ideas

If it includes replacement heads to clean your grill, toilet, cat, and kitchen floor, I'd easily buy a dozen of those, xxpost.

a nudie pin-up calendar to sell as a fundraiser for Safe Streets based on the warning on the back of meterperson cars "Battery on a Parking Control Officer is a criminal offence"

the calendar would feature parking control officers naked with various batteries covering the porno bits

'Jim'll fsck It' - a TV show starring Sir Jimmy Saville OBE, where he goes to a different server farm every week and runs fsck on a server.

Similar to a terrible idea I had once for a black version of the show called Jamahl'll Fix It

Quo-O-Meter - a plank of wood marked off with a graduated scale. You stand on it with your feet apart and read off the scale how rockin' all over the world you are. Feet almost together would be "Marguerita Time", feet far apart would be "Caroline" or something.

lolin at Jim'll fsck it

I thought that after Saville runs fsck, he could go "ahahaurahuauharuaahah" while waving a cigar (unlit of course). Or "How's about that they, boys and girls!". Then they could play the theme song at the end, with the lyrics amended to "Now he's done it. Jim has fsck'ed it for you!" etc.
It was the best - meaning least terrible - out of a number of celebrity themed ideas which also included "Paul Daniels' root Password Reminder Show" and "Jimmy Tarbuck Goes To The Big Laser Printer At The End Of The Hall, Takes Out The Toner Cartridge, Shakes It About A Bit, And Then Puts It Back In Programme".

Pitchforke Reviewes Reviewes - a blog reviewing pitchfork reviews in Chaucerian english

could definitely work

i made a modern to middle english translator once -- it didn't work very well:

"not alle messages are displayed: show alle messages (138 of them)"

Pitchfork Reviews Revue - a troupe of Folies girls who review Pitchfork reviews via interpretive can-can routines

An edible model of the titanic -made of seitan- called : the seitanic

they should make boogle which is google but has ghosts and skeletons

xp - did i ever tell you about the spaghetti boats?

Last night I had this terrible idea while drunk having no patience at the microwave -

ME: I wish there was a microwave that would get something FIVE MINUTE hot but in just 50 seconds...
EMILY: What?!
ME: You know, like it still did the work of the time you wanted, but in a fraction of the time - 3 MINUTES in 30 seconds....
EMILY: You mean a higher powered microwave?
ME: Yeah, I guess so.

hahaha, that was like some kind of microwave version of the spinal tap "goes to 11" thing

lol totally!

also

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9mioHO4hoM

i made a modern to middle english translator once -- it didn't work very well:

"not alle messages are displayed: show alle messages (138 of them)"

― Philip Nunez, Wednesday, September 15, 2010 11:43 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

aloh

HOMER SIMPSON (watching meatloaf rotating in microwave oven): "Oooooh... Why isn't there anything faster than a microwave?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKzr42_0rEg

"prose and cons": a collection of short stories written by inmates (no poems, though)

wow, this is like the thread that i need to be on all the time.

I would read "Prose and Cons."

I'd at least crack it open, anyway.

ME: I wish there was a microwave that would get something FIVE MINUTE hot but in just 50 seconds...
EMILY: What?!
ME: You know, like it still did the work of the time you wanted, but in a fraction of the time - 3 MINUTES in 30 seconds....
EMILY: You mean a higher powered microwave?
ME: Yeah, I guess so.

<3 this, cos I have exactly these kind of conversations.

The only one I can think of right now is "Minute Made" which was gonna be an album of songs we were only gonna allow ourselves one minute to write. Or be one minute long. I forget which now.

Gave up on that idea pretty fast.

lol @ half these being "your terrible puns"

Telling my camp girlfriend "I only went out with you because girls at home don't like me"

big up camp girlfriends

Still want a microwave that gets things cold fast, like beer.

perhaps it would be a macrowave.

My brother has proposed such a thing so many times in life, and always follows it with an explanation of why it wouldn't work. He did it the other night on the phone. He really knows how to talk himself down from his own imagination.

Seems like if you can expand molecules without, you know, setting shit on fire or boiling it, you should also be able to contract molecules without freezing them.

http://ask.metafilter.com/162474/The-AntiKettle

To create a reverse microwave maybe you just have to cross some wires in the power cord so you can have the same effect as when you put your flashlight batteries the wrong way round (it shines darkness).

What about when they purposefully give accident victims hypothermia so their systems shut down and they don't get infections. How come I can't do that to my beer?

Don't they just ice 'em down?

"Doctors cool the body a few degrees by injecting icy saline into the patient. The goal is to limit swelling, inflammation, and other spinal cord damage."

you could probably put cold saltwater in your beer

"Hmmmm, Icy Cold Michelob Saline."

Might be an improvement.

maybe pre-freeze beer in a honeycomb lattice pucks, then drop those into a cup before pouring the rest of the beer in it -- it should colden up more quickly than ice cubes methinks?

http://www.wholesalebarsupplies.com/images/Chiller-Group.jpg

I've seen this in bars, but they're not handy at home.

Don't like them in bars either since you're no longer getting your money's worth.

"prose and cons": a collection of short stories written by inmates (no poems, though)

― tumlbrah (dayo), Sunday, September 26, 2010 10:48 PM (2 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Sorry, but I think Saturday Night Live beat you to it by a few decades (I can't watch this clip, but I think it's about Jack Abbott, the incarcerated writer Norman Mailer discovered)

take the principle of this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-heating_can and replace the exothermic reaction with an endothermic reaction. would probably cost too much though. endothermic reactions involve weird reagents and dangerous products.

Theres a bottle shop near me that has these holes in bench that it say are for "rapid chilling" bottles of wine. I dunno how it works or how effective it is. But having one built into ones kitchen bench would be awesome.

A stick of rock with 'BAD IDEA' written all the way through it. So when people suggest something that's a bad idea, I can say "That's such a bad idea, that if it were a stick of rock, it would have 'BAD IDEA' written all the way through it.". Then I would hand them the actual stick of rock with 'BAD IDEA' written all the way through it.

you can get 'em with 'Blackpool' written all the way through; pretty much the same thing