Best snippet of overheard conversation

The speaker - My ex.

Overheard by - the entire pub.

"Dammit, would you stop being so PC? It's not stereotyping to say that gay men aren't attracted to women, it's a fact..."
--A girl having a heated conversation at an early hour outside my window

"you're newly single? wow, i'm newly single too"

She: I used to think I quite liked Rembrandt, but then I decided there was too much brown.
He: I quite like the Impressionists.

I wondered by what means they had found themselves together at a Rembrandt show.

Similarly, when I went to see the movie The Elephant Man:

He: Oh, Anthony Hopkins. He's very good. He was in Psycho, you know.
She: Ooh, you don't half know a lot about films.

(I *hope* she meant 'pelmets')

actually though, now i think about it, kinda cheating, but in alan bennet's book 'writing home' he quotes one man in a donkey jacket shouting at another likewise dressed in the street saying
"look, there's NOTHING you can teach ME about road-sweeping..."

"Armed robbery's a very serious offence, you know!"

"Yeah so i got the money, got all me mates round to celebrate... Fish and chips all round, strawberries and champagne, you know, the works!"

He's my favourite person of the day.

Mother: "If we wanted to see tigers we would've visited daddy at work"

Me : Hey darlin' we got a lot in common...I'm not wearing a bra either.

My friend turned around knowing it was me, while the lady next to her turned around and said "You Pig!!!" and slapped me...I guess she thought I was talking to her, because she really wasn't wearing a bra...

One sloppy drunk guy noticing the arrival of a packed police van, Central London, New Year's Eve, 1999.

"Martin, why are you being so defensive?"
"Yeah, yeah...well why are you being so OFFENSIVE?"

"today i feel like an indispensible cog in the machine"

1: hey
2: what?
1: you know who really needs a haircut?
2: who?
1: Michael Bolton.
2: yeah, you're right.

I slid under the table I was laughing so hard (and I was in a different booth)! Wish I could recall whether she took him home that night.

Woman behind bar:"You should try Gingko Bilboa, it's fantastic!"

Incredibly drunk guy covered in paint: "Will it give me a huge rectum?"

Man 1: You listen here. If they made me a decent looking woman, you know what I'm saying, it'd be perfect. I already understand guys.
Man 2: Fuck you are so right.

??!

"Cubs... cubs... cubs... CUBS?"
"Cubs."

I didn't realize it was that serious. Of course he was always making jokes about how she had "water", but...

Male State Department Guard (loudly): ... buy a lot of alcohol and then drink Gatorade on the beach all day!
Female State Department Guard (disinterested, staring at her shoes): Oh yeah?
Male State Department Guard: Yeah, that's how you do it. You gotta forget your troubles, forget your problems!
Female State Department Guard: Forget about this place?

Reading that I was hoping FSDG would say "And go downtown?"

Walking out of ballet tonight, I won't do the accent:

"In Russia, is something similar. Is called Wampyrs ball. Is totally music only by Bonnie Tyler, is exact like this we have seen tonight but with wampyrs."

Not gonna lie to you I would totally rather have seen the Russian bonnie tyler wampyre wersion, and that statement us never not gonna be true whether I'm talking ballet or breakfast cereal.

a few weeks ago i passed two people standing outside a bar who were in the middle of what looked like a fairly intense debate. they quieted down as i walked by; a minute later, i heard one of them say, "it's only because the OTHER animals don't know how to milk the cow!"

(At Mcdonalds)

"Hi Chris, can you ask someone to please sanitize that table over there. We were just at mass and we're wearing our mass clothes. Yeah, could you please ask someone to sanatize that"

Two businessmen today walking by us

"Nipple cream"
"Nipple cream?"
"Yeah they all have it"

Had to confirm with herself but yep that was the exchange

guy at service canada employment next to me

how do you sign in
i dont even know how to sign in
ugh
sigh
rinse cycle repeat

i used to be able to put a time to things, but now i cannot
like i try to think of when my surgery was and i cannot even remember
like what are time lines, i mean i remember when you kids were born because there was a date
and a reference point, but now i dunno

you dont have to pay so much rent at your age you can just have sex

i have a website about myself

middle-aged couple ahead of me in line at the grocery store: "are we getting enough toilet paper for this food?"

They need to realise I'm an ARTIST not a researcher

killing is her art

she was about to paint her masterpiece but was obliged to research it first so there may be a knock on effect in terms of delivery

Nina has a very unique, very grounding energy in a group of people.

"I've enjoyed the last 19 years"

We're always in Birmingham for Ocean Colour Scene. It's the only reason we come to Birmingham.

The person in front of me in the bus queue this evening was talking on their phone in a language that I don't speak. Except for one sentence in English: "Trust me, I hate every inch of this godforsaken place.". It took a lot of self control for me to not burst out laughing. Because England is a godforsaken place.

To be perfectly honest I'm not sure who was the bride and who was the groom.

Overheard on the bus.

"How's your leg these days?"

"Up and down."

Sometimes side to side

"I'm straight. I play 3lv3n C0nqu35t." (don't Google the un-Googleproofed version of that - it's some dodgy hentai game)
On the bus, said by an 18 year old Andr3w T4t3 worshipping idiot. It took all the physical self control I had not to burst out laughing.

we decided that as well as the skiing in winter we had to do tennis in the summer so now we're looking for a tennis club for the boys near barcelona. nice and warm.

in a bathroom:

"It's ok, I'm not offended that you're doing drugs in there"

We're always in Birmingham for Ocean Colour Scene. It's the only reason we come to Birmingham.

― dear confusion the catastrophe waitress (ledge), Wednesday, 3 August 2022 14:09 (seven months ago)

Poor Birmingham. It doesnt deserve such slander.

Two girls behind me in high school math class: "Does it make me a slut if I'm only easy with one guy?"

middle-aged couple ahead of me in line at the grocery store: "are we getting enough toilet paper for this food?"

― Simon H., Monday, March 11, 2019 4:22 PM (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

this is amazing

my favorite one of these was at a show once in college, i think at irving plaza, armchair critic gives his verdict on the band to his buddy: "too much mumbo, not enough jumbo"

He was in one of those Soviet places, not quite Soviet, like Turkey or Turkmenistan or one of those. We can’t get you home they said, but we can get you to Germany

They took him to Kazakhstan overnight, and everyone gave him a weird look. There was only one car.

Then they flew him to East Germany and from there to West Germany

ah i missed a bit out

He was in one of those Soviet places, not quite Soviet, like Turkey or Turkmenistan or one of those. It was Hungary, thats it

We can’t get you home they said, but we can get you to Germany

They took him to Kazakhstan overnight, and everyone gave him a weird look. There was only one car.

Then they flew him to East Germany and from there to West Germany

I was having to type so fast into textddit to try capture what I could, there was more but i couldnt get it fast enough