- people who block escalators
- people who queue up for autographs
- people who don't go out EVER because they've got kids
- people who push into queues
- canvassers who won't take no for an answer
- canvassers
- wrong numbers who insist on hassling you for the right number [like I'm supposed to fucking know]
- people who talk all the way through films
- people who start conversations in public toilets
- companies that are too tightarse to retrench people, and just make life hell until everyone resigns
- hair product that doesn't work
- people who put a hyphen in 'The X Files'
- having to redo an assignment the week it's due because you got it all wrong
- people who put company slogans in quotation marks
- every single country town prefixing its name with 'Historic'
- overkill
- advertising jingles designed to bore into your head and keep you awake for months
- work colleagues who whistle 'Jingle Bells' in JUNE
- Australian yobs putting 'O' on the end of words
- arrogant fuck cyclists
- people who combine two unrelated phrases to make a new one [e.g. 'make no doubt about it']
- when you stare at someone you know trying to place them, before realising it's just some actor
- the kid on the Lube Mobile ad
- advertising IN TABLES in shopping centre food courts
- women who screech
- people who email you 'important' shit 500 times a day, then six months later when you've forgotten and ask them, they go 'didn't you read the email?'
- people who move next to an airport,
then campaign to have it closed down because of the noise
- people who have a headache and call it a migraine
- people who talk entirely in clichés
- people who say things like 'you can't have your cake and eat it too' when you fucking can
- people who put my tomato sauce in the fridge because 'look, it says on the label, "refrigerate after opening"'
- customer can't understand something simple and condescendingly take it out on me
- people who can see you're reading in your lunch break but talk to you anyway, then go 'oh sorry, are you at lunch', then keep talking
- your wife seeing your ex and wanting to go back for another look
- people who won't learn how to set a VCR
- sitting next to the door at work and having to answer the doorbell all the time
- peers who boss you around like they're your boss, even though they're fucking not
- guys in cinemas who persistently try to pash the girl in the next seat, who clearly doesn't want a pash and keeps pulling away
- people who can't spell 'arse' correctly
- people who keep trying to talk me into buying a house
- neighbours with a big fucking dog that won't ever shut up
- when you put youe hand out for change, and they put it on the counter anyway, and you can't get your fingers round it to pick it up
- clocks that gain/lose an hour a year
- a particular piece of shit colleague who's thick as pig shit and can't mind his own fucking business
- ever
- when you've only got one thing to eat for lunch and it's off
- people who use the words 'gay' and 'faggot' derogatorily
- Java-based thin clients that max out resources on a high-spec PC, and fucking shouldn't
- sentences you can't construct so they make sense or don't look awkward [i.e. this one]
- customers who get the information wrong, resulting in you spending all day researching the wrong problem
- monthly pay
- people who say 'hhhhhhhaitch'
- people who know 'hhhhhhhaitch' is wrong but say it anyway
- IT lecturers who say 'hhhhhhhaitch' and conduct an entire subject saying HTML and HTTP and PHP all the time
- customer who go 'any update?' every five seconds
- people who keep changing the radio station to 'good time oldies'
- when you order fast food in the drive-through bit, and they take your money BEFORE telling you it's a five minute wait
- when people say 'literally', but don't actually mean literally [e.g. 'there were literally millions of people in the pub']
- when it's raining and you haven't got an umbrella, and all the sheltered bits are hogged by people WITH UMBRELLAS
- going out of your way to buy an item that isn't in stock
- when you can't get the vitamins out of the jar because the bit of sponge is stuck
- people who go URGENT URGENT URGENT all the time, thereby making the word 'urgent' completely redundant
- people who go URGENT URGENT URGENT all the time, then take a week to get back to you, then go URGENT URGENT URGENT again
- when you've got the sniffles and someone goes 'probably SARS'
- people who think they know how to eradicate diseases like SARS [usually IT people]
- the outer suburbs
- when you say something simple to a customer, and they completely ignore you, so you have to say it another six times
- customers
- when you've got two massive fuck-off assignments due the week three AAA video games are released
- when banks &c. send you a letter saying YOU HAVE SEVEN DAYS TO COMPLY, and the letter was sent eight days ago
- when work makes me do a late shift on the only weeknight I have something to do
- when people install software and say 'I loaded it'
- when people say 'I'm surfing the internet' and they're clearly not fucking surfing at all, and there's not a fucking surfboard in sight
- when people use the word 'download' to mean anything [e.g. 'I downloaded the document to my printer']
- people who call me 'sir'
- schools that make you sing the same shit songs over and over and over for 13 years
- people who are Jewish and expect you to join in singing a Jewish hymn, even though you're not Jewish
- people who say 'come down the pub' at the last minute, and you can't because you haven't enough time to get ready
- being burgled
- stupid people
- AFL
- the new Melbourne trams
- companies that put wanky bloody seminars about wank ahead of actual work
- Americans who assume the entire world knows what the fuck 'Cleveland OH' means
- Americans who assume the entire world knows what country dialling code the US is
- Americans who don't know their own country dialling code [IT'S FUCKING 1, HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT TO REMEMBER]
- group assignments
- when your hands are full of shopping bags and someone says 'been shopping?'
- when one person who works in a shop is being unjustly patronised/chastised by another people who works in the shop
- when you say something in ICQ just after the person logs off, then the next day they answer it and you can't remember what you said
- women who take a vacant seat on a train/tram/bus because they think it's their fucking birthright as a woman
- women who grease me off because I'm in a seat and a perfectly healthy woman is standing
- books covered in superlative quotes from critics I've never heard of [usually foreign] and couldn't give a shit about
- shirts that put a press stud right where your nipple goes, and at the end of the day your nipple's too sore to touch
- developers who put the
OK button right next to the
Cancel button
- friends who get a girlfriend and immediately cut everyone off
- the way gedit keeps fucking up all the time
- 98% of all video games being called
Something: Something Something- one of my favourite songwriters wrote a song for Mariah Carey
- when your water bottle overflows slightly, and some busybody fuckhead leaves a sticky note lecturing you about water shortages
- when you talk about football and someone goes 'you mean soccer?'
- saying goodbye to people at airports
- people who are so tightarsed they'd rather end an STD call mid-sentence when the 20c runs out, than say 'goodbye' like a civilised person
- complicated web sites
- websites with Flash
- people who call US English 'English', and actual proper English 'UK English'
- the woman who last year left me 34287562394875 voicemails, thinking I was a babysitter called Alan
- UML
- people who say 'I'm a vegetarian, but I eat chicken'
- people who think all vegetarians are weak and vague
- the fact that pulling out a whisker makes me sneeze
every single time- links that open a new window
- discovering my sideburns are radically different lengths, and have been for days
- how you can't buy a pack of playing cards in a toy shop anymore
- how nobody ever wants to play cards with me
- how everyone's born in September/October, and poor sods like me have to buy 238794623874368 presents with one pay
- being too busy to go out
- being too depressed to go out
- being too poor to go out
- the smell of the toilets at work, since the tightarse company stopped paying for air freshener
- business types who say shit like 'heads-up' and 'going forward' all the time
- people who email an entire company of 50,000 some shit that matters to about six people
- cheques
- eating so much chocolates that you get the shakes
- this job
- how people smell after they've eaten an orange
- breathing in Corn Flake dust by accident
- people who expect you to pose like a dickhead for photos, so they can forever remember how you looked smiling cheesily at a fucking camera BECAUSE I ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THAT DON'T I
- people shoving brochures in my face while I'm trying to walk somewhere
- Bush
- people at work who whinge because there are no tissue boxes left in the facilities room, and they're too cheap to pay $1 for one at the local shops
- when I'm rostered to finish at 6pm and some prick calls me at 5:59pm
- when people say 'BBQ' instead of 'barbecue'
- JBuilder 6
- people who go 'I don't hate stuff, you're all beneath me'
- people who MUST be the centre of attention
- hypocrites who insist they're not hypocrites
- finishing a book and not having another one to start
- people who keep calling me at work to sell me shares
- sod that, ANYONE who interrupts me to sell me shit
- seeing something you wrote on an internet forum 12 months ago and having no idea what you were talking about
- people who think moving to Hollywood will automatically make them famous
- people who suddenly fall upon loads of money and immediately go to Disneyland AND NOWHERE ELSE
- people who say they've 'been around the world,' when in actual fact they've only been to America
- catching a Chapel St tram on a Saturday night
- people who release a song, that has the name of the song awkwardly sung right at the beginning
- taping an album too high, and not noticing until the next day when you're away from home and listening to it
- customers who can't do something simple and blame me for it
- having to wait until next year for the new Doctor Who
- how women pick up mobile 'phones BY THE SCREEN
- searching for something innocent with Google's image search, and getting graphic porn instead
- neighbours who complain about the noise you make WALKING on a Sunday afternoon, then sit up until 4am screaming
- people who message you in AIM/ICQ/MSN with 'hi,' then wait until you respond before telling you what they fucking want
- people who call and bark a number at you, expecting you to know what the fuck they're talking about
- Indians who assume we're beneath them in some imaginary hierarachy, and consequently treat us like dirt
- customers who call five times in immediate succession, hoping they'll eventually get someone who'll give them the impossible thing they want
- giving me work in French, knowing I don't speak French, even though there are French people in France ready to do said work
- when Americans talk in local time zones [e.g. 8pm central time], and expect the entire world to magically know what they fuck that means
- the smell of someone else's shit in the next toilet cubicle
- working at one place for so long that you know what shit smell belongs to whom
- schoolgirls who repeatedly say OH MY GOD very very loudly into their mobiles on public transport
- Safeway proclaiming itself as 'The Fresh Food People,' when all its food is always stale and bruised and fucking disgusting
- the steady decline in literacy, thanks to the burgeoning popularity of the internet with young people
- Big Macs
- the fear that you'll never get a job doing what you want to do
- when 15 of your mates find jobs and you still can't
- Mondo Rock
- people who say 'vunnerable'
- AM radio
- people who won't spell 'analogue' correctly
- people who keep asking me when we're going to have kids
- people who abbreviate text messages like the incompetent wankers they are, but STILL use excessive punctuation [e.g. 'i m gr8!!!!!!!!! will meet u @ 6 nr mcdnals. k!!!!!']
- customers who, rather than email you a two-word error, take a screen capture of the error, paste it into a Word document, and email you the 200k Word document
- concerts that sell out in the first five minutes
- horse races that 'stop a nation'
- horse racing
- Billy Joel
- flying sections in platform games
- how you ask someone in Singapore a question, and they completely ignore the question and start their response with 'because,' which in Singapore means 'I'm completely ignoring the question'
- people who spoil the ending to books/films
- people who pronounce 'route' as 'rAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAwt'
- instant coffee
- coffee
- working on the morning of an afternoon exam
- things that rattle in cars
- walkthroughs written by 12-year-olds
- The Cider House Rules
- companies who expect us to sit through 28 hours of shit web presentations, rather than train us properly
- moths
- those emails that go 'avoid the curse!! send this email to six friends!!' FUCK OFF.
- the new Coke cans that aren't stackable
- paying $1,000+ in rent three weeks early by mistake
- people who insist on dragging you into small talk ['so how are you then?' ... 'and how's work?' ... 'oh really, that's good']
- eating to alleviate boredom
- when I'm in a shitty mood and EVERYONE says 'hello, how are you?'
- glass
- nosy fucks who insist on having a full and complete itinerary of your private holiday
- christmas carols
- having nothing to do on new year's eve
- soft drink bottles that spray everywhere when you open them
- working when everyone else is on leave
- when you tell someone a URL that has no leading www, and they go 'so it's www...'
- pokies venues
- staying up until 1am to watch the cricket, and the test ends in the first over
- sports commentators who refuse to pronounce people's names correctly
- whoever broke my mug
- people who are bored at parties, so they hijack it and make everyone stop what they're doing and do something else
- homie kids who pull their jeans down BELOW their arse
- wankers who call me, then put me on hold
- people who leave the cublcle door open while they're having a number 1
- urinals
- doilies
- people who quote a 923876238974293-line post and respond with 'I agree'
- looking up my name on Google, and seeing loads of people who share my name and have a better job
- buying a game the week before the price drops by 75%
- working on a public holiday
- people who stand behind me and stare at my monitor while I'm in the middle of doing something
- complacent people
- sultanas in cereal
- pineapple on pizza
- confusing my shifts and turning up to work three hours early
- when I say I can't reach someone and they go 'when will they call me back?' like I have fucking mind-reading powers
- people who think I have too many Big Audio Dynamite albums
- when you say something, and some smartarse goes 'uh, no' or 'uh, wrong' and corrects you
- bogan nightclubs full of slappers
- fighting games
- homophobes
- US television shows that have someone talking perfect British/Australian/Kiwi
with subtitles- people who fill your box with massive 'joke' emails that aren't funny
- people who leave me a voicemail message going 'are you there? ... hello? ... hello? ... are you there?'
- humidity
- Nobby's nuts
- Mac Help
- all the selfish fucks who double-park in my street
- people who install so much pointless spyware-laden shit on their PC that it grinds to a halt and you can't use it
- the stupid fucking falsetto noise Christopher Cross calls 'singing'
- having a penis so enormous I have to strap it to my ankle
- all the business shows on Sunday mornings
- cheap suits
- Naomi Robson
- giant pictures in signatures
- people turning words like 'lunch' into present participles
- people who take your private job application and hand it directly to some cunt telemarketer
- all the welts in my mouth from accidentally biting it all the time
- idiots who are so stupid that they'll keep me on the 'phone for an hour while they follow an incredibly simple set of instructions
- mullets
- assignment partners who initially look fantastic, but turn out to be the most hideous fucking trolls ever
- the build quality of domestic printers
- Australians who say 'zee'
- protests that block all the public transport
- losing sunglasses
- people who take a shallow internet argument so seriously that they hate you for two years
- Gravox
- wanker fucks who drive 30km/h under the speed limit
- aforementioned wanker fucks who suddenly speed up when there's an overtaking lane, then drop back to 30km/h below the limit again
- a stomach grumble that you initially think is a fart
- Amazon's shipping cost for books
- when I take my car in to be serviced and they fuck up the appointment time and blame me for it, then when I pick it up I discover they forgot to do two thirds of the things I paid them to do
- computer monitors that wobble, and you don't notice until you have a raging headache
- people who push their way into a train/tram before the people on the train/tram can get out
- slow fucks who take 20 minutes to withdraw money from an ATM, and hold up people like me who take a whole 12 seconds
- namedroppers
- Windows
- blocked sinks
- people who go 'I want to watch this big long film,' then watch 10 minutes and bugger off to do something else, leaving me alone and having missed the start of what *I* was already watching
- denting my brand new 'phone
- having a public holiday for some dumb Queen's fucking birthday, but nothing at all for ANZAC Day
- people who don't say 'thank you' [or equivalent]
- the smell that comes from Subway
- my fucked-up jaw, and how it prevents me eating lovely lovely steak
- motorbikes that push through traffic
- how women expect you to remember everything they've ever said, but they forget most of the shit you tell them
- thread titles that are just 'Is anyone........' or 'Does anyone........' and expect people to care enough about the rest of the sentence that they'll read the thread
- CDs where all the track markers are 2-3 seconds off where they should be
- the 'team leader' concept
- being dizzy in a place where I can't enjoy the experience